1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry! I'm just very dull at the moment, but I'm lurking to be entertained.

I did go and see Karate Kid last night, though. And it was lovely. Seriously, I assumed it was just going to be a naff, huge nostalgia fest, but I think it might be better than the first one. And tiny Will Smith! He am so bendy! And Jackie Chan, who I just love!

I thought we'd been thrown over for those glamorous PESHes.

Oh hey I dreamt last night that Zoe Williams had written an article about MumsNet using the BESH/PESH/FESH model as model of all that's wrong with women today. I woke up SO proud!

I heart Jackie Chan. Whass that film where he fights between two giant vases??

Nah, obviously not.

Apart from when gin seduces me with pictures of beach huts in the Maldives. Seriously, I lost an hour daydreaming about a holiday like that yesterday.

Zoe Williams would clearly think that we are all that's right with women today.

You're all farking hilarious! Whether you mean to be or not.

Oh, cass I'm not laffing at your image crisis though. I too am loving the leggings / skinny jeans with floaty tops look. Have also been reading that big pants are back thanks to Christine wotsit from Mad Men, who I have to say is my new lady crush. So much so am thinking of going back to my gingerish origins so that I'll look just like her.

Anyhoo, thanks for the GPS talk to help find cervix. The boyf is out for some leaving drink after work tonight & I did wonder how I was going to entertain myself. So, I'm packing a picnic, getting a torch & a distress flare & going in search of Teh Cervix.

Temp has dropped a bit this morning, so hopefully I haven't ov'd yet & the rise was due to sore throat.

Fishslaps & jammy donuts all round.

Cooeee?I just wanted to say that this is the best thing I have read on MN:
?1. Bottled out of finding cervix. Convinced I'd get my hand stuck up there and I'd spend the rest of my days balanced on my own elbow, rotating gently in a circle.?

You are all very funny, thank you for cheering me up. Not coming out of the pit today as it?s Estimated Due Date today and I?m sulking as I?m still not cunting pregnant. Pliz to bulldoze large piles of rotting fish intestines on my head to bury me. Carry on with the hilarious/disgusting FFJ chat ? and no, I don?t want any of your funny looking jam SaltySeaDog. Is it gooseberry?

Morning troops!

So glad nobody got lost last night whilst cervix-hunting, it's awfully expensive when they have to call out the air-sea rescue chaps, you know.

Just a brief hello really as I need to Do Work Or Else.

I have a day off! I have a day off! I have a day off! I would go to the hair dressers but couldn't lean back on the sink for fear of howling. I need to sort my hair out! HB, you give me house martins, I raise you a family of herring gulls, no greater black backed gulls. Very messy birds.

Am eagerly checking the post and waiting for a delivery of jam jars from salty. I trust you sent them overnight delivery?

What else shall I do? Apart from trying to scrape the orange E number Thai food off the formerly beige carpet? Shagging is off - neck. Doctors?

Hello to Stinker and saffy in T'Pit.

Not going to give you violence StinkyPooPooPants, so there. However I am prepared to funnel the rotting fish guts into nam pla and use it as seasoning for this here enormous Thai curry rich with coconut milk and positively stuffed to the brim with prawns as big as yer 'ead.

I did actually buy you some of those wee jammy donuts but they now put my forcibly in mind of a nice plump cervix settling into the droid, so there's something I'll never enjoy again .

my me

FAT FINGERED TWAT

Aw Stinky , chin up my luverrrr. Here, have some of my gin. No rotting fish guts for you, only the best Tanqueray with lime slices, ice and soda without any of those crappy sweeteners in it.

HB Your mind is a dark and horrible place and you have just ruined doughnuts forever along with various types of jam, damnit.

Aries Hoorah for the day off! Bummer your neck is dodgy. Gin might sort that out too. Or swimming? Floating around might be quite pleasant.

Thai

Do you live near Billingsgate? Plenty of ammo available if so.

I'm fucking crap. I crossed with Stinky and misread her EDD as being droid due on. Sorry :(. I retract all that nasty fish and give you a nice glass of your choice and some cake of your choice.

Soda? Christ what an abomination. I mean Tonic water.

Morning all.
I was wondering if I'd done the right thing to join you ladies when access to t'internet isn't quite so easy for me.
Reading the last few pages has made me cry with laughter - how could I ever have doubted the power of the BESH to make life better.
We should sell bottled BESH power as a tonic to go along side your jam jars Salty.
Or may I suggest a bottle of my home produced rhubarb schnapps. ?Tis very tasty, if slightly hallucinogenic.

Stinky hugs for you today, even if you do smell of fish.

GoingDownOnAFarmer hello, I was hoping you'd stick around!

Rhubarb schnapps?!?!?!?

Thank you ladies, I really am feeling a fragile little flower today. Normal service will be resumed later I promise.

I'm interested in any hair advice - my hair also resembles that of a simpering schoolgirl, complete with flicked out waffy bits on the ends. I think I should get it all hacked off again into something cool, but my hairdresser tried to forcibly give me a fringe and a perm last time I went there and I'm a bit scared to go back now.

Now let me have a gushing cervix small doughnut. I hope that is custard in the middle and you haven't been getting supplies from Salty again. Oh you have haven't you?

It's made with vodka instead of gin. Hope that's acceptable?

You may resume normal service as and when the mood takes you, and not one fraction of a mili-second sooner. Are we clear? .

Hm. Tell me more (re. follicular fashions). What sort of face have you got? Are you tall, small, curvy or petite? I ask because I would like an elfin haircut but alas, alas, I resemble nothing so strongly as a bloom-cheeked dairymaid that cannot keep her face out of the cream-bucket, and as such need as much hair as I can muster.

You deffo need a new hairdresser though. Are you in That London? Vidal Sassoon does ones for a tenner if you submit to a student...

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.grilling24x7.com/donut8_small.jpg&imgrefurl=www.grilling24x7.com/donuts.shtml&usg=__w_LWKAYdnKIZ2Qtf5cZlY3sqA9M=&h=181&w=225&sz=34&hl=en&start=30&sig2=Y7Q7xce7JK56UqjKVo2LEw&tbnid=QNOk4y5481c4HM:&tbnh=128&tbnw=175&ei=vN1bTOOTLcyTjAe1qITxAw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsmall%2Bdonut%2Bjam%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1024%26bih%3D573%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C1140&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=530&vpy=194&dur=911&hovh=144&hovw=180&tx=127&ty=75&oei=tN1bTKDcG9aSjAfYnrDxAw&esq=3&page=3&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:12,s:30&biw=1024&bih=573" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">OM NOM NOM

No I'm in the West Country. Am about 5 foot 4 with black, poker straight hair, size 12. Hair styling = Nil. I don't even possess a hair dryer, and my hair has to be cut into a style as it will reform into straightness with stupid waffy out bits where I tuck it behind my ears.

Am I right in thinking you are blonde Bangers? I always imagined you with long flowing black hair and bright red vampish lipstick. Maybe a flower tucked behind one ear too?

Perhaps that's what is all about? It's depicting a cervix?

Oooh ooooh Stink you could totally get away with a shorter sharper cut. Glossy straight black hair looks AMAZE in those sort of shaped cuts... I am so bloody out of date I can't think of current example - my mind immediately went to Sharleen Spiteri .

I have sort of wheat-coloured hair. I do possess bright red lippie and use it when I'm feeling shy. I don't put flowers in my hair but I do have some hair-clips that resemble sparrows' wings...

Here I brought you a present. You can wear them on special occasions. Or you can have seagull if you prefer?

Do you watch Project Runway? I think I have an addiction.

No I've never seen it but erm, I have bought a dress pattern from the show ... is that lame? That's quite lame isn't it.

I'd love to have an elfin cut with razor sharp hair How West are you, Stinkers? There's a good hairdressers in Truro. They sorted out my haystack a few times before I descended into penury. I haven't had a chop for 8 months

What a lovely thought by the way. The road kill hair clips I mean. There's a dead badger on the road outside our house - any ideas on what I can do with that?