1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

hee hee lettuceexplosion and stewie both were - ahem - pale green (no smell, no smell!!).

DPO - very difficult to know cos cycles vary a lot; so far this year have only had 6 weeks and one 7 week, but last one of last year was 3 weeks. So just count roughly 3 weeks after first day of droid and then try (if I can bear it) to have SWI every other day for 2 weeks.

Am I getting it wrong (not the SWI, think that's pretty right!)?

springonionbang he's the only one in the house who drinks coffee, so am inclined not only to not give a toss if we've run out, but akshually to go into kitchen and tip it all in bin with nappies and cat fud!

Ooh, cat fud, need that!

I am having full on "I look shite" crisis. This is mainly because I do, but I just feel like I have totally lost any sense of style I once had, since giving up proper work really. Now I just wander round in wellies, hoodies and trakkies (and other things ending in -ies). I don't understand my hair, I'm like a cross between Subo and Michael McIntyre.

And of course now I am destined to feel even shitter for the next few months as I just look fat until a decent bump appears.

Pliz BESHies to give me style tips. I am 1-2 sizes bigger on my top than my bottom, about a 14 on bottom and 16-18 on top. I carry my weight on my tummy and I have BROOOOOAAAAAD shoulders.

Should I shoot self now??? Or just buy a kaftan?

The green doesn't sound good Squash, smell or no smell. Have you had that before? If not I think we may have to bully you into going to the GP like we did poor old Head a few weeks ago...

in the nicest possible way and being cruel to be kind

I laughed at the hair (I like Michael McIntyre's but can see why you wouldn't want it) - have you big boobs?

What about legs - length? Chunky?

Pliz, don't worry too much, feel far to much of a fattie to be TTC as am around 20 top and bottom (and a short arse to boot) but really empathise with no sense of style (and also total CBA with regard to clothes - work is easy, black trousers and range of tops, but I no longer respect anyone I work with so really don't give a fuck what they think!)

I do indeed have big boobs. 40DD to be precise.

My legs are a leetle bit longer than average - I'm 5'8". Regular jeans are too short for me, long jeans often just an inch too long. But my legs and hips are pretty slim compared to the rest of me

I have just figured out tis partly because on Sat I start a whole week away at uni - almost all the other girls on the course are size 10 and below, with a couple of exceptions out of about 20 of us. So a day here or there I can just about put an outfit together for, but I just don't HAVE 7 days worth of stylish clothes.

Fuckit.

I think mebbe I need to (a) ring hairdresser in morning and see if she's got an appt free, I think that's half the problem, and (b) get myself down to New Look or somewhere cheap and buy some floaty tops to go over my jeans, to get me through the next few months without spending too much.

That sounds like a plan. I have no sense of style so can offer no useful advice, but floaty tops sound great for growing bumps.

Hairdressers are places I avoid where possible but probably ought to brave some time soon. Or I could just get Head to cut my hair for me

Right, then I'd be wearing something v-necked and make sure your bra fits well to make 'em stand proud (I bought a swim dress last week on ebay and it makes boobs look amazing, plus there is small control panel around stomach and skirt hides short stumpy legs) and longish top to go over hips - then, black leggings/tighter trousers (slim fitting) which can be cropped or full length.

BUT before you take advice from me, (especially with above advisory message about own style, but this is worse as have nothing slim on my body) check out GokWan if you can - repeats on E4 I think (during the day at weekends!) - don't much like him other than his delight at the larger female form.

Am sure I've had this pale green pant snot before, but will see GP after my holiday if it hasn't gone, is that acceptable (mind you, don't go on hol until week tmw and don't return until 29th Aug)

oooh Cassiopeia bigger on top? seriously tho, i am a bit like that, all in the belly and boobs, although it seems to be gathering round my arse more as i get older. i wear a lot of those sheered gathered boob tube sun dresses and leggings cos they are comfy and cover a multitude of sins. and i have ok legs from the knee down so its nice to show them off. then i lash a cardi over the top to disguise the bingo wings. plus they will grow with the belly (in fact one of mine is preggie wear from H&M that i bought AGES ago cos i liked it and was feeling hopeful)

plus straight across works for broad shoulders i think. :s

shishy love, pale green does not sounds ideal does it? plenty of time to go to the doc next week

sorry squish no idea how that qu turned into an h. ffs.

You're all luvverly, what are you?

Will go into town tomorrow and hit the cheapie shops, see what I can find. BESH fashion parade tomorrow night?

Going to turn in now. Night lovely BESHelles.

Cass does have mahoosive boobs - I am very envious of them. Oh and while you're on the subject, can you stop canoodling with Head. I mean come on

My cervix, if anyone is interested, is dead easy to find. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. Or any thing at all. No one's ever mentioned it so that's one thing I can cross off.

Aaaah, my Thai is here. Mmmmmmm.

I remember the last style-conversation I had in the Palais - it was the first time I'd ever howled with laughter at a computer. Does anyone remember the conversation? It ended up discussing ganger manges with the lovely sadly now absent Cockdodger and Bessie. It was when I found out just how many BESHes were gingernuts. Are there any more out there come to swell our ranks? Any more?

night cass sweet dreams

ay up aries i am gingerish, its brownish red with ginger temples but i henna it so forgotten what my natural colour is really. got the ginger pasty freckle skin tho. And I cant wear pink or yellow which is almost more conclusive that the actual hair colour. Who else it apart from your good self then?

Oh God, like LOADS of people . Like Muser, and...um...Muser. Hang on, there were loads. Weren't there? Oh yes, Casper. Come on, who were the rest?

ah like troll counting then? 1, 2, LOADS.

right I'm off too, no fun for me tomorrow as back in work so catch you all over the weekend.

There were more than that! There were!

You know I mentioned we were having Thai? Well MrA just dropped his entire plateful of brightly coloured food on the carpet. I couldn't be cross as he looked so crestfallen, but honestly!

aries am gingernut!!

stewie, will look forward to fashion parade, good luck with shopping (I end up having small tantrums when I go shopping about how fat etc etc - not very productive!)

tuna salad, I inspected said pant snot more closely and it seemed (when squished rather than all bunched up together from wiping - SORRY TMI ) more darkish cream colour, but will cower under your fierce glowering and, if necessary, see GP next week

I have auburn pubes. Can I be in your gang Aries ?

Squashy, my view, despite having avoided having a smear for four years, is that you pay your taxes so that you can ask a GP to investigate your pant-snot, and to that extent, I'd hop on over there sharpish. Why not. It's prolly a bout of thrush or similar.

If I can get an appointment with a reasonable GP, I will do. But def not thrush (I know when I have that, if you know what I mean !)

You are all hilair.

Apart from that, I have nothing useful to contribute.

Except to say to stewie that I have found Oasis to be my friend. And ASOS. And empire line and leggings.

DROMMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I was wondering where you were!