Older daughter

[Ilovechristmasfalalalalalala]

My dd will be 19 at Christmas and her younger sibling will be 12.

Am I being harsh in thinking that the 19 year old gets substantially less than her sister?

So older daughter works part time and has had a hard year in terms of friendships and boys but she is quite lazy and won't help out unless asked.

Im torn as I will feel bad come christmas morning so just wondering what else people would/have done on this situation please.

Similar age gap here and we have always kept it equal. One might get less presents because their main one was more expensive but we always have had the same budget for both.

I can’t imagine treating my children differently. Why would she get substantially less? If she’s lazy and doesn’t help out around the house then that’s a different issue and needs addressing properly.

Mainly because of age. Me and her dad were brought up to when you hit working age you will get less presents.

I don’t understand. Why would you give her less? Because you prefer the other one?

Equal in my house with a similar age gap. My eldest has had a tough year too, more reason to spoil her a bit

I think it would be really weird to give one sibling much more than the other.

Definitely not! I also have a younger child so 3 in total and she will be getting less than the middle child as she is younger and doesn't need as much.
I mean money wise not present wise
But I did ask in here as I was second guessing myself, she also has a birthday 6 days before christmas too.

Of course she gets less. Otherwise your youngest will get less at a younger age than the sibling eventually, assuming you plan to cut down at some point.

E.G say your budged is £250 per DC then, unless you plan to keep that up until youre elderly and they are grown with kids if their own, then at some point you'd cut both down. So your youngest would be, say, 18 and suddenly only getting £50 worth, while your oldest is 25 and has benefitted longer.

That's the nature of being the eldest, you get a few years before the sibling comes along, then a few years where you get less. Because you are now an adult with a job, not a child still in high school, who is being provided for accordingly.

Obviously there are nuances for things like disability, or being 18 and still in basic education. With an over 18 with a job VS a school child it's fair enough to spend £200 on the child and £100 on the adult or similar.

TL/DR - Essentially, you aren't treating them equally if you give them the same every year unless you spend the same amount their whole lives, because one gets more for longer.

Tell eldest beforehand she'll get less now shes a working adult so it's not a nasty shock.

Similar amounts here, especially given still at home and in education.

Similar age gap here too. Mine will be getting roughly the same. Unless they are still living at home in their 30s, that won't change any time soon. Eldest likely won't need as big of a pile but will likely need help towards things like a car & new phone (maybe saving towards a house) in next couple of years so we'll switch to helping towards those things and wrap a few bits like clothes & books, but budget will stay the same.

If you are going to reduce the presents to treat her as an ‘adult’ instead, I don’t think that is entirely unreasonable. I would definitely have the talk beforehand though so she understands this is an age thing and will happen to her siblings too and is simply an aspect of growing up.
Tying it to her behaviour thought is unreasonable. You need to deal with the behaviour issues totally separately and if she even gets a sniff that she gets less presents because she is on some kind of ‘naughty list’ you will damage your relationship with her for good.

I would keep it equal.

Agree with keeping behaviour separate, I will definitely do that.
Iv already spoke to her and she said its fine she understands as like someone said she had a good 7 years of being spoilt before my middle dd came along.
When my middle dd gets older she will also get less than my youngest dd.
She will get what she has asked for which in fairness isnt a lot.

Keep it equal. She has a part time job, she’s hardly Imelda Marcos.

The 3yo is not comparable as she doesn’t know what things cost.

I don’t think they get less but with older teens the individual gifts tend to cost considerably more so they might have less to open but you’ve spent similar amounts iykwim.

I’ve just spent £600 on one gift for my 20yo dd this Christmas!

I don't know why you wouldn't spend the same amount of money on your 19 year old she still lives at home, i think that is quite cruel, lots of teenagers/young people don't have initive at home to pick up a hoover or whatever, you do sometimes need to nudge them. Anyway spend the same on her, until she leaves home and is working full time,

This is what we did.

Agreed but surely not at 19? They are barely out of college and some are still at university at that age. My eldest knows that once she starts working she'll contribute a little towards keep (I'll put it away in savings for her but she doesn't know that), so she'll already be treated different that her younger sibling. I figure it's something that will happen naturally as they start to find their feet financially and need less help towards things. Perhaps I see my young adult as more dependent due to ND but I see her living at home for a long time and it's going to take support to work towards a decent pay, so we'll contribute to things that help towards financial independence, a car/bus pass to get to work, phone, etc. And some treats so that she can still have those and save her own money for bigger things.

I should add she is not in any form of education as she took too much time off school therefore messed her A levels up. She plans to start college in September.
She can work full time but chooses not to.

But as we are now keeping her behaviour separate I guess that doesn't matter.

Im also going to add that her Dad lost his job last week so money is tight atm.

Yes keep the things you’re doing to help motivate her to get back on track separate from the Christmas presents.

If DD understands your reasoning and only wants a modest present, there doesn't seem to be a problem. Other families may do things differently but that's OK.

What an odd question. Of course you don't treat her differently when she's only 19 and still living at home.

And what has her having her birthday 6 days before Christmas (that you told us in a later post) got to do with anything? Please don't tell me you're one of those people who says 'this will do as a joint birthday/Christmas present...!'

You would not be saying anything like this if her birthday was in July would you? So what has her having her birthday 6 days before Christmas got to do with what she gets for Christmas?

Yes. You are being harsh!

.

I know, I just feel bad as she is still my baby but her dad thinks she should be treated like an adult and I kind of agree as like I said its the way we were brought up.
I have always brought the magic at Christmas and I still involve her in the elves, she gets a Christmas eve box, Christmas pj's, bedding, advent calendar and she will always get a stocking even when she has left home.

Mine do get a similar amount of presents but we spend more on the youngest now. They all understand that they had 18 years of expensive presents. I’m more likely to buy the older ones things they wouldn’t necessarily spend on for themselves. For example, a treat basket with more expensive foods than they’d be likely to buy or nicer shampoo etc. It bulks up their presents without it being tat.

Yes same, she will get the nice shampoo and perfume etc but no big ticket item

We Have a 5.5 year age gap between our children and one is a young adult. They get the same amount.