Left on my own Christmas Day

[Lastrolos]

My partner of nearly 20 years (not married) share a DD who is 5. He works full time and I have been the sole carer of her until she started school in September. We both adore her, he is a devoted father. However, since she was born he hasn’t been a great partner. He is openly hostile towards me, is no longer at all loving, doesn’t attend any family engagements on my side of the family, however he expects me to play the part of his partner without having to make any effort for me at all.

This December I have done everything for Christmas, bought and wrapped every single present for DD, his family and mine, decorated the house (he doesn’t even help get the boxes down) attended all the children’s parties, organised everything. This is quite typical. The last two years my parents have come for a quick breakfast before they go visit my siblings houses (they stay about 1.5-2 hours) and then we’ve gone to his sisters, and the following year we went to his parents which is for many more hours obviously (both with all his siblings and their children). I have a good relationship with them as we see them so much. This year however, nobody had made any plans, and I was glad as I felt I’d been fair spending most of Christmas with his family the two years previous so we ordered our turkey and planned for a quiet Christmas at home. I was actually quite poorly most of December and was really struggling but I absolutely still put in all the effort. I made a lovely dinner Christmas Eve and we had a nice family time. I put all the presents etc out once DD was asleep, he didn’t help at all. In the morning after present opening my parents came as normal, I did a little breakfast, and then I cooked the Christmas lunch. I finished washing up and was looking forward to settling down and playing with DD when he announces everybody is going to his parents and I could get ready and come too or he was going to take DD anyway. He complained breakfast was rubbish and so was dinner, and that i was boring and just left without me (in hindsight feel he was trying to start an argument in order to try and say it was my fault he left). Usually I probably would have got ready to go so I wouldn’t miss out on time with DD but I just felt so hurt and it was obvious I had been crying so I stayed at home on my own. DD said she didn’t want to go but he basically persuaded her explaining she’d have more presents at nanny’s (really the message of Christmas hey). I felt totally heartbroken to have basically been treated like a maid and then cast aside once the hard work was done. I’ve had to really just get on with Christmas since then as I didn’t want to spoil the rest of it for DD, she had been so tired with first term of school and really needed a rest. I spent lots of time with her and made up for it but I still can’t get past the fact that he did that to me and didn’t even apologise after I basically worked and planned all of Christmas and then didn’t get to enjoy it. I am still really angry and sad, it’s obvious he doesn’t love me anymore and I feel quite heartbroken. I make every effort for him and just feel I really didn’t deserve to spend Christmas afternoon and evening on my own without my DD.

He’s not a devoted father. He’s a fucking prick. Leave him, he’s bringing nothing to your life.

What she said x

Start thinking about how you can leave this relationship and coparent amicably with him. This isn't a healthy relationship and your DD needs to see her mum being treated much better than this.

I get why you didn’t give him both barrels on 25/12. Have you completely lost your rag since though? He would fully fully deserve it.

Please stand up for yourself, don’t be put upon in this way.

LTB

Leave him. Yes it will be hard but he is not a good person, does not love you and this nasty attitude will poison your daughter's life if you stay, so you have to end it for her sake. The damage that will be done to her, if she grows up seeing you treated like this and accepting it, is huge. Your first duty is to protect her from that.

He’s a cunt

You’re practically single parenting anyway, don’t have another Christmas like this.
Make plans, and leave.
This isn’t behaviour you want to allow or to continue- at least if it’s just you and your little girl you can be happy.

If you’re already single parenting you might as well do it without having to baby a full grown man.

This happened to my friend - together for 15 years, then they had a very desired (or so she thought) child and he changed overnight. It took a while for her to get rid but she’s much happier now.

Like Cat1504 says. How awful.

What does this man bring to your life?

Your relationship is dead, and you know it.

So practicalities, what is the housing situation? Do you own or rent? Whose name is the house in etc.? Do you have any income? Have you been claiming Child Benefit to keep your state pension stamp whilst not working?

I'd be quietly making plans to leave, as soon as financials are all planned and you're ready with somewhere to go (depending on home ownership situation).

@ReadingSoManyThreads we live in a house he owns, but we also own a building plot and land which we co-own. I don’t claim child benefit but I have kept up with NIC and have a small income. I am actively looking to get back in to full time work to become financially independent from him. Leaving him will be extremely difficult but I am going to work on a plan to make it possible. Yes he doesn’t respect me, let alone love me, and at this point he is just using me, I do realise that. I’ve just been so focussed on DD I think I’ve been burying my head. But I won’t continue to model this kind of relationship for DD, you’re all right. Thank you for replying.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Painful. He’s the real loser here though. Start decoupling now. If even in your head you decide until you get your ducks in a row it’s over you’ll have less expectation which means less hurt and disappointment. It’s a shame you aren’t married as after giving him a DD and 20 years you do imho deserve to walk away with something more than child maintenance. Be just the thing once you get your head and heart round it being over that he suddenly decides you’re the love of his life… seen that happen too but there’s nothing more ridiculous than the emotions of somebody we have learned to cease to love.
On plus side, sounds like you are a great Mum to DD, sure single handedly nailed Christmas, when not well too and did an Emma Thomson on the day for her sake. If you can, separate bedrooms, mealtimes etc all good. If he thinks your food is rubbish let him do his own. Own laundry, admin etc too. Do run some benefit calculator scenarios to work out short term if you be better off working X or Y hours. Good luck. Would be lovely to get an update in Christmas 2026 to say how you and DD enjoying a fab one the two of you.

I am so sorry OP. As you have said, this man doesn’t love you, doesn’t respect you and doesn’t even like you.

he wants you to leave him so he can play the victim.

speak to a solicitor now about how to protect and access your share of the site. Follow their advice. Start thinking about what life will look like on your own, what income you will need and how you want to co-parent.

This isn’t the type of relationship you want your daughter to think is normal.

This is really sad to hear.

It does sound as though he didn’t want you to go so he insulted your food to upset you to make sure you didn’t.

20 years together though - that’s a long time! Could you sit down and chat about what’s going on with him, find out for sure how he feels about you and the relationship. He called you boring - ask him what does he want you to do that you are not doing? And decide whether that suits you and go from there.

Good luck OP!

What??

There is nothing to be gained by sitting down and talking with an abusive man.

This!! He's an abusive arse.

He’s a narcissist. Mummy issues - I had this too - very similar situation. Sack him off.

Going out on a limb here to say don’t leave yet. Get the job first, build up savings for some months - it will make leaving easier. Talk to your parents -if they are local, could you and dd move in with them until you’re back on your feet? I’d be aiming to leave within about 6 months and I’d also be starting to warn dp that if things don’t change the relationship will fail.

It sounds like your dd doesn’t have much of a relationship with her father but he is, nevertheless, part of her life and she deserves the opportunity to know him and spend time with him. So it’s likely he will want some kind of shared custody.

She does have a relationship with him. I do all the background graft, and he’s there for the nice bits. I’m not getting my violin out here, that’s the reality. He is very invested in her life. He’s a good provider as a father but whilst I’m there to do the unseen donkey work, he’ll let me.

On family days out, he’s always taking her by the hand and walking ahead etc. And similar Christmas Day, thought he was fully in his rights to exclude me after I’d done all the hard work. It’s all become quite toxic I suppose. Reading somebody else’s comment, I do wonder if he is perhaps trying to make my position at home untenable to get me to leave him. Either way, it can’t continue.

I will need to get myself together, I won’t be able to leave straight away but I will work towards becoming independent and “uncouple” myself as I work towards it. I will also speak to a solicitor and get advice on our shared ownership etc.

I’m not boring, I’m just unhappy in the situation I’m living in I suppose and it’s wearing me down. I face endless criticism and he’s totally ungrateful of everything I do to make his life easier. I recently joked he wanted a Stepford wife and his response was, have you seen yourself. But sadly I think he has benefitted from my subservience up until now.

Thank you for all the advice and kindness, it’s exactly what I needed to hear.

OP he sounds awful. He is chipping away at your self confidence and treating you like a servant. I do think he is deliberately trying to make you as unhappy as he can. He can’t like you at all - most of us wouldn’t be that awful to an acquaintance never mind our partner.

I also understand leaving can be scary - and he will want everyone to think it was you who broke up the family. But anyone with any sense will understand life isn’t always what it seems. I wonder how he explained your absence on Christmas Day - and what your daughter told her grandparents.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy - and for whatever reason he just wants to make you miserable.

He's dehumanising you, for what purpose only he will know but I wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him.

Do you still have sex, that would have to stop immediately, do nothing more for this man, grey rock him and distance yourself from his life.
Treat him with contempt, he deserves nothing more.

Absolute cunt, wouldn't surprise me if he's been slagging about, the abuse he's been dishing out won't just be restricted to the home, he's nasty and does not have your back.

I think conveniently for him I’d been poorly for a few weeks so it was an easy excuse to say I wasn’t well. His mother text to say everybody had missed me and she hoped I was OK. I’ve not asked DD anything about it because I didn’t want to highlight the situation any further.

Since then I’ve slept separately and stopped doing his laundry etc. Other things such as cooking, I’ve just carried on as I don’t want DD to pick up on further hostility as we have always eaten together.

I’ll have to do some research about how to explain it to her when the time comes.

However, since she was born he hasn’t been a great partner. He is openly hostile towards me, is no longer at all loving, doesn’t attend any family engagements on my side of the family, however he expects me to play the part of his partner without having to make any effort for me at all.

So leave him then. It's really not a difficult decision to make. He's a dickhead. Kick him out and get a job. Claim UC until you find a job that pays enough not to be eligible for it.

If you can't sort out child access arrangements amicably, he'll have to go to court for access then, won't he. Put in a child maintenance claim ASAP, like the same day he moves out.

I am assuming you're renting. Contact the landlord if it's in your sole name, explain you've split up and ask permission to change the locks (at your expense). If he's on the tenancy tell the landlord you've split and want to continue living there (if you can afford it). If you can't afford to keep living there then give notice and get looking for something you can afford.

Contact the council If you're going to be homeless. With a child you'll be priority. You won't be if she goes to live primarily with her father, because he'd then become the resident parent. In that circumstance you'd just be a single homeless person eligible for a one bedroom flat (as permanent) and a room in a b&b or hostel (as temporary).

If you own the home jointly he'll be allowed to live there, so get the property valued and get it up for sale ASAP. Separate from him properly even while in the same house. No sharing a bed, no doing his laundry or cooking, no giving him lifts in your car or letting him drive it, no doing joint food shops with him or for him, no shared bank accounts, no tidying away his stuff or washing up his dishes, no doing him favours or asking him for favours. Put in a UC claim as a single mother, claim child benefit too if you're not already doing that and claim child maintenance from him.

If you own the home you can just kick him out without any notice. Or just change the locks while he's out and refuse to let him back in, if you think he'll be aggressive in any way at being asked to leave. "Asked" is polite, you're not actually asking him, you're telling him and he has no choice in the matter if it's your home and not jointly owned. You wouldn't have to give him time to find somewhere else, where he goes is not your problem.