Left on my own Christmas Day

[Lastrolos]

My partner of nearly 20 years (not married) share a DD who is 5. He works full time and I have been the sole carer of her until she started school in September. We both adore her, he is a devoted father. However, since she was born he hasn’t been a great partner. He is openly hostile towards me, is no longer at all loving, doesn’t attend any family engagements on my side of the family, however he expects me to play the part of his partner without having to make any effort for me at all.

This December I have done everything for Christmas, bought and wrapped every single present for DD, his family and mine, decorated the house (he doesn’t even help get the boxes down) attended all the children’s parties, organised everything. This is quite typical. The last two years my parents have come for a quick breakfast before they go visit my siblings houses (they stay about 1.5-2 hours) and then we’ve gone to his sisters, and the following year we went to his parents which is for many more hours obviously (both with all his siblings and their children). I have a good relationship with them as we see them so much. This year however, nobody had made any plans, and I was glad as I felt I’d been fair spending most of Christmas with his family the two years previous so we ordered our turkey and planned for a quiet Christmas at home. I was actually quite poorly most of December and was really struggling but I absolutely still put in all the effort. I made a lovely dinner Christmas Eve and we had a nice family time. I put all the presents etc out once DD was asleep, he didn’t help at all. In the morning after present opening my parents came as normal, I did a little breakfast, and then I cooked the Christmas lunch. I finished washing up and was looking forward to settling down and playing with DD when he announces everybody is going to his parents and I could get ready and come too or he was going to take DD anyway. He complained breakfast was rubbish and so was dinner, and that i was boring and just left without me (in hindsight feel he was trying to start an argument in order to try and say it was my fault he left). Usually I probably would have got ready to go so I wouldn’t miss out on time with DD but I just felt so hurt and it was obvious I had been crying so I stayed at home on my own. DD said she didn’t want to go but he basically persuaded her explaining she’d have more presents at nanny’s (really the message of Christmas hey). I felt totally heartbroken to have basically been treated like a maid and then cast aside once the hard work was done. I’ve had to really just get on with Christmas since then as I didn’t want to spoil the rest of it for DD, she had been so tired with first term of school and really needed a rest. I spent lots of time with her and made up for it but I still can’t get past the fact that he did that to me and didn’t even apologise after I basically worked and planned all of Christmas and then didn’t get to enjoy it. I am still really angry and sad, it’s obvious he doesn’t love me anymore and I feel quite heartbroken. I make every effort for him and just feel I really didn’t deserve to spend Christmas afternoon and evening on my own without my DD.

You have spoken to him about how you feel?

Yes, he’s a nasty prick who doesn’t care about you and yes you should be making plans to leave.

Being devil’s advocate - have you ever asked him or expected him to do anything domestic? It sounds to me like you like to dominate the household and the childcare arrangements and leave no room for him other than to take the ‘nice and easy bits’ of the family time.

I’m not defending his behaviour - I too advocate for LTB - but it’s strange that he called you boring and told you you looked a stepford wife - he’s obviously aware you seem to do everything and is clearly being snide about it.

Sometimes women are their own worst enemies when it comes to wanting to be the perfect homemaker and yummy mummies instead of insisting on teamwork. It leaves dads disenfranchised and then the bitterness and resentment sets in. Years down the line you’ve got this situation where you’re the domestic drudge and he’s the lazy arse and neither are happy.

His mother text to say everybody had missed me and she hoped I was OK.
Could you open up to his mum about what's going on and how you are being treated and what actually happened on Christmas Day? Sounds like they are supportive overall and may also have noticed the change of their son's behaviour in the last 5 years.

I think you need to have an honest talk with him @Lastrolos . Does he never want his own family? Does he not want what his parents have?

I see so many men around me making this mistake; investing all their eggs in their parents' basket and finding their parents elderly and then no longer around and they are left alone.

Your daughter is likely to drift away from him in her teens if this pattern continues. He will need your support to retain a relationship as she ages. If he casts you aside, he will not have that.

He needs to invest in his own family and tgat means investing in you. He is currently on a pathway to loneliness and bitterness

Horrible man.

I hope you can make plans to leave him this year. 💐

He didn’t call me a stepford wife, I said you want a stepford wife and he said, have you looked at yourself (meaning I don’t look perfect enough). I don’t dominate the domestic responsibilities, I have no choice but to do it because he doesn’t pitch in. For a time he was working and I was a stay at home mom so I guess he got used to being taken care of. But that’s not really my main gripe, as I explained we are building a house and we are very busy. He works really hard and we have a lot of life admin because of the house so I guess I have excused a lot of the nastiness because of stress etc and, knowing what he’s juggling, I try my best to support him by doing more and more to help clear his plate. I guess I saw that as my role within our family at that time. But I now see that he’s just using me and doesn’t value or respect what I’m doing. I’m just a maid/servant and he doesn’t care about me, probably took being so selfish on Christmas Day for me to realise things CAN get even worse and he really doesn’t have any empathy for me anymore. And yes he can’t even like me as a person.

Im so sorry you’ve been treated so horribly by someone who is meant to be your partner OP, at least his behaviour at Christmas has been a catalyst to start leaving him. You deserve so much more.

It sounds like hes completely checked out of the relationship and didnt want you there to be honest. Are you in a position to leave him?

Oh my goodness he sounds awful. He’s treating you like an unpaid servant. Please gather up the strength to leave him. Are you married?

Yes thats exactly what I said, we’re his family but he absolutely prioritises his parents. I think he’s just trying to make me so miserable that I’m the one who leaves, he’s got nothing to lose except the approval of his parents so that’s likely a very valid point. And his family and sisters, nieces and nephews do genuinely love me, I love them, so he’s likely trying to save face by not being the one who breaks up our family.

"He's a devoted father" really? Is he? It's not what I'm getting from what you've written. I don't throw this about like others do on here but I'd honestly consider leaving, your relationship sounds dead, he's a terrible father - what does he actually do with your daughter? He doesn't pull his weight around the house, I honestly can't see 1 reason to stay with him. Even if your finances are dire and tied to this prick, I think I'd rather be poor than tied to someone like this. You can do so so much better. Put the wheels in motion, there is support out there with housing etc if you need it, don't waste your life with this waste of space.

What a horrible man, I'm so glad that you have plans to leave. Sometimes on this site I see women complain and others back them up and say LTB for things that aren't all that bad. This is categorically not one of those times. What an absolute prick. Are his family aware of how poorly he treats you? If a son of mine was treating the mother of his child that way I'd be reading him the riot act.

You are not married but are building a house together? How does this work?

I think you need competent legal advice about your joint assets and finances so you’ll know where you stand.

OP, point out in your OP where hes a "devoted father" because he didnt but or wrap his DDs gifts, he didnt go to her Christmas festivities, he isn't showing her how good men love their partners and what she should expect of a partner one day... and Christmas is important for little kids.

So its all a big deal for her and a small one for him and he didnt bother.. the only thing he did do was bribe her to be away from her mother all day.

Hes awful. Hes showing her what "love" looks like and you dont want her growing up to pick a man like this

Well we jointly bought the land, got planning permission and he’s financing the build so far. When we bought it we’d been together 14 years (I sold my business at the time and put my money in to it) no not married, but we were committed to one another and that’s the life we were building when we had DD.

So he is financing the project - but what is YOUR actual stake in it? What would/will happen to this and all other assets if/when you split? Have you had competent legal advice - what legal safeguards are in place?

Can you stay with your parents is that an option?

Get legal advice in the background and make your exit. He's awful and you deserve better.

Once again , first response nails it .
LTB

That sounds utterly heartless especially on Christmas Day. Good to hear you have a job and NI contributions at least. I second having a chat with whoever you are closest to in his family “he’s changed” “he snapped about my breakfast at Xmas” “ I’m worried about him, has he said anything to you?” I would start claiming Child Benefit too - so what if it creates a tax issue for him. Unfortunately you are in a very vulnerable financial position and need some good legal advice.

Loosing your cool with him is pointless. He doesn't care and you'll end up just winding yourself up and giving him ammunition or a way to make himself the victim. He is using you, I'm sorry. It won't get better. Better to leave sooner rather than later. He's probably one of those pathetic men who are pissed off with the fact that he's no longer your baby and that you have to give up your time attention and effort for your child. He's probably also struggling with lack of sex because you are probably exhausted. He's should be understanding. If you get a chance, check his texts and emails, and anythjng deleted or hidden. Check where he is going. He might be having an affair. I don't know, but this may help you in a divorce.

I agree with this. You need to be sure of an income. If you could move in with your parents it would be ideal.
I agree with others that you should leave him, but do it so that you can pay bills etc.

Thank you. He isn’t openly nasty in front of DD and no he didn’t put in a lot of effort for Christmas, granted, but he knew I would take care of it so in this instance I think it’s more to do with his feelings for me than her. He does care for her. He reads to her / with her every single night, he drops her to school every morning and he is there for her. He calls us after pick up every day and checks how her day has been. He goes to all her concerts and he is invested in all her hobbies and school life, he buys books and goes to the library if she shoes an interest in certain topics and they have a lovely relationship. Yes I am doing all the background work but it would be unfair of me to say he isn’t a devoted father, he loves her very much. He might not be modelling a loving relationship for her which I accept is terrible but he tries his best for her in most other things. I have tried having many conversations about how he’s treating me and how he’s making me feel, but nothing ever improves. I’ve also probably excused a lot of his behaviour because of stress and I’ve stayed because I didn’t want to disrupt DD life and I hoped things would improve. I’ve spent 20 years with him and I did love him very much and I wanted us to have a future together. But I realise now I need to get my act together and start building my own life with DD. She needs to see me happy and not putting up with whatever this has become.

Christmas does appear to put a true light on relationships.
Im sorry you have been so let down.