Left on my own Christmas Day

[Lastrolos]

My partner of nearly 20 years (not married) share a DD who is 5. He works full time and I have been the sole carer of her until she started school in September. We both adore her, he is a devoted father. However, since she was born he hasn’t been a great partner. He is openly hostile towards me, is no longer at all loving, doesn’t attend any family engagements on my side of the family, however he expects me to play the part of his partner without having to make any effort for me at all.

This December I have done everything for Christmas, bought and wrapped every single present for DD, his family and mine, decorated the house (he doesn’t even help get the boxes down) attended all the children’s parties, organised everything. This is quite typical. The last two years my parents have come for a quick breakfast before they go visit my siblings houses (they stay about 1.5-2 hours) and then we’ve gone to his sisters, and the following year we went to his parents which is for many more hours obviously (both with all his siblings and their children). I have a good relationship with them as we see them so much. This year however, nobody had made any plans, and I was glad as I felt I’d been fair spending most of Christmas with his family the two years previous so we ordered our turkey and planned for a quiet Christmas at home. I was actually quite poorly most of December and was really struggling but I absolutely still put in all the effort. I made a lovely dinner Christmas Eve and we had a nice family time. I put all the presents etc out once DD was asleep, he didn’t help at all. In the morning after present opening my parents came as normal, I did a little breakfast, and then I cooked the Christmas lunch. I finished washing up and was looking forward to settling down and playing with DD when he announces everybody is going to his parents and I could get ready and come too or he was going to take DD anyway. He complained breakfast was rubbish and so was dinner, and that i was boring and just left without me (in hindsight feel he was trying to start an argument in order to try and say it was my fault he left). Usually I probably would have got ready to go so I wouldn’t miss out on time with DD but I just felt so hurt and it was obvious I had been crying so I stayed at home on my own. DD said she didn’t want to go but he basically persuaded her explaining she’d have more presents at nanny’s (really the message of Christmas hey). I felt totally heartbroken to have basically been treated like a maid and then cast aside once the hard work was done. I’ve had to really just get on with Christmas since then as I didn’t want to spoil the rest of it for DD, she had been so tired with first term of school and really needed a rest. I spent lots of time with her and made up for it but I still can’t get past the fact that he did that to me and didn’t even apologise after I basically worked and planned all of Christmas and then didn’t get to enjoy it. I am still really angry and sad, it’s obvious he doesn’t love me anymore and I feel quite heartbroken. I make every effort for him and just feel I really didn’t deserve to spend Christmas afternoon and evening on my own without my DD.

I’m going through a bad patch with my oh, 25 years together. It’s changed, well he’s changed, the last year and I don’t know this person. I’m not sure what to do as we jointly open the house, my half paid for, I’ve asked for one of the other to leave or tried to and I’m just yelled and sworn at and told to get out I’m not having my share, the pets or my belongings. So i no longer broach the subject. And yes MN no one should stay with a person like that but for 24 years he wasn’t like that he was my best friend.

in your case don’t do anything hasty. Start by trying to find a pt job when your daughter is at school or retrain. Then go from there.

I an actively looking for full time work, I initially took a part time job so I could still support the project. That was really at his request. I won’t earn anywhere near what he does so it’ll be an adjustment but I totally accept it’s not a healthy environment for anybody and a happy home is priceless.

good luck

Yes me too, not the home environment I would have wished to bring her up in.

Good luck in moving forwards.
I doubt he will fight to save the relationship
and your DD will be so much happier

This is really helpful constructive advice, thank you very much.

His behavior has evolved to open contempt, the only thing that will change that is if you start standing up for yourself. In short term don’t have to be the butt of his behavior, at very least he’ll respect that. Hope you do not feel threatened.

Yes I do too, not the happy home I hoped to bring her up in.

This

Sending hugs Op. It can't be nice to realise he's just using you.

Its well known that Christmas and New Year brings lots of issues in relationships to a head.

Do you have lots of family support?
Can you turn to them?

Its definitely time to ditch and move on. For both you and DD.

Oh OP, what a twat he is.

I think what others have said is good advice. Even if you can't physically leave him right now, and it sounds like you can't. Then quietly deciding for yourself right now that the relationship is finished, will make everything to come feel much easier.

Just something I thought of while reading about how much of a Disney Dad he is (only interested in the fun stuff), just make quite sure you know exactly where things like your DDs birth certificate and passport (if she has one) are. Even if you are 100% certain he wouldn't try and take her off somewhere without permission, it's better to be safe than sorry. Better yet, remove them from the house. Do you have a trusted friend or family member who would hold them for you?

Now is also the time to start quietly making sure you've got up-to-date information on any joint finances.

This.
Please try and get out, you deserve better

This horrible man clearly has no love left for you and goes out of his way to make your life harder. Your life would actually be easier as a single parent. Go to see a solicitor and find out what you'd be entitled to if you left him. Apart from anything else he is modelling shit Dad behaviour to your DD who will be taking it all in. You sound like a lovely Mum to your DD. I hope next Xmas you are without him and have a lovely Xmas.

Well, I think for the people in this situation it is important to make the decision in your head, get it straight that leaving the relationship is what you want to do, then start to plan the practicalities and logistics of it.

If you can't have an honest conversation with your partner about this, about how you are both obviously unhappy and there isn't any point in carrying on as it will affect your daughter, then a lot of this will obviously have to go on behind the scenes.

From what you are saying it sounds like he wants you around for the boring childcare bits and for appearances sake. If you're not having sex he will probably be open for an affair or sleeping with someone else if the opportunity presents itself, which will be dangerous for your health.

So for me it's starting with decision that you definitely want to end this relationship, tell a friend so it becomes ' real', then go and see a solicitor and start researching advice on the whole process.

This happens so often that there is a multitude of help and resources out there to help untangle the most complicated of financial situations, which, let's face it, is the main reason that people DON'T leave toxic relationships.

He dosent do anything because you let him and pick up his slack. Why do you?

Very, very best of luck with getting your ducks in a row, @Lastrolos! Remember: A woman’s plan CAN beat a man’s cruelty. You have it within you to do this, for you and DD.

No one has focused on the fact that you're not having sex any more. In my opinion, this is the beginning of the end for most relationships. When did this happen and why? Can you remember?

My DH and I have had periods where we aren't having sex, and periods when we are. Our relationship differs hugely in these times. It is infinitely better when we are close and intimate. And we are much happier people.

I'm just wondering, if you wanted to save the relationship, whether you could address this element? It may be too hard to peddle things back now, but maybe not? But my DH and I have been at breaking point, and managed to get back on track.

I also wanted to say, please don't rely on his siblings and Mum to stand by you if you do split up. I was married for 20 years to my first H. I left him as he constantly cheated, and his parents and sisters (who I was very close to), never spoke to me again. Blood is thicker than water.

You’re suggesting she has sex with her abusive partner who shows so much contempt for her to save their relationship? Right.

OP - you are an amazing mum and you have a plan to leave. I have every belief you can build a better life for yourself and your daughter. I’m in the same boat and I know it’s scary, I feel like I’m gripping the sides right now but there’s a lovely island to sail to - it’s just there in the distance. ❤

Is there something wrong with your understanding? Or do you just enjoy being as nasty as her husband?

OP this man openly hates you; it's common for abusers to let their mask slip once a child comes along. I wouldn't be surprised that he's making conditions so awful for you so that you'll be the one to walk to that he looks like the 'good guy'. Men like this do everything to protect image and appearances, and he'll leverage that with your child - he's already undermining your relationship with the promises of nice presents at nannas etc, it's all calculated.

You really need to start thinking about real life support and who will be on your team when the nastiness ramps up - and be prepared for it to ramp up. It's perverse logic - he's treating you beneath contempt while you are with him, it won't get better once you're separated.

Don't make the mistake on relying on the love of his family as part of your 'team'. I've seen it time and time again where women who think they are an extra daughter are dropped like a hot potato. His attitudes towards women and his behaviour weren't created in a vacuum, these are the people who raised him, there may be some dysfunction at the heart of that system, please lower (or remove) any expectations that you will have their love and support once it's over.

Thank you for replying and sorry you’re going through this also, that’s a great analogy - wishing you lots of love and light for a happier future xxx

Honestly he is awful to you. Consider taking legal advice how to proceed. You deserve so much more from a loving relationship. If you stay it will affect your daughter long term .

It will show her how little you value yourself and also that this is an acceptable relationship. It will be confusing to her as she gets older, as you are doing everything to make her family life happy comfortable loving and stable with absolutely no input from her father.

So sorry OP. You sound like a good mum. He's not a good dad and as you know he's not a good partner. He's pointless.

Keep on planning and saving and keeping it together for your child’s sake. It sounds like he’s checked out already and you’re probably right that he wants you to leave which is why he’s trying to stir up arguments. Good luck

Her dh is clearly abusive and it is most definitely not recommended by any of the emotional abuse advice bodies, to have joint marriage counselling. Separately yes.