Left on my own Christmas Day

[Lastrolos]

My partner of nearly 20 years (not married) share a DD who is 5. He works full time and I have been the sole carer of her until she started school in September. We both adore her, he is a devoted father. However, since she was born he hasn’t been a great partner. He is openly hostile towards me, is no longer at all loving, doesn’t attend any family engagements on my side of the family, however he expects me to play the part of his partner without having to make any effort for me at all.

This December I have done everything for Christmas, bought and wrapped every single present for DD, his family and mine, decorated the house (he doesn’t even help get the boxes down) attended all the children’s parties, organised everything. This is quite typical. The last two years my parents have come for a quick breakfast before they go visit my siblings houses (they stay about 1.5-2 hours) and then we’ve gone to his sisters, and the following year we went to his parents which is for many more hours obviously (both with all his siblings and their children). I have a good relationship with them as we see them so much. This year however, nobody had made any plans, and I was glad as I felt I’d been fair spending most of Christmas with his family the two years previous so we ordered our turkey and planned for a quiet Christmas at home. I was actually quite poorly most of December and was really struggling but I absolutely still put in all the effort. I made a lovely dinner Christmas Eve and we had a nice family time. I put all the presents etc out once DD was asleep, he didn’t help at all. In the morning after present opening my parents came as normal, I did a little breakfast, and then I cooked the Christmas lunch. I finished washing up and was looking forward to settling down and playing with DD when he announces everybody is going to his parents and I could get ready and come too or he was going to take DD anyway. He complained breakfast was rubbish and so was dinner, and that i was boring and just left without me (in hindsight feel he was trying to start an argument in order to try and say it was my fault he left). Usually I probably would have got ready to go so I wouldn’t miss out on time with DD but I just felt so hurt and it was obvious I had been crying so I stayed at home on my own. DD said she didn’t want to go but he basically persuaded her explaining she’d have more presents at nanny’s (really the message of Christmas hey). I felt totally heartbroken to have basically been treated like a maid and then cast aside once the hard work was done. I’ve had to really just get on with Christmas since then as I didn’t want to spoil the rest of it for DD, she had been so tired with first term of school and really needed a rest. I spent lots of time with her and made up for it but I still can’t get past the fact that he did that to me and didn’t even apologise after I basically worked and planned all of Christmas and then didn’t get to enjoy it. I am still really angry and sad, it’s obvious he doesn’t love me anymore and I feel quite heartbroken. I make every effort for him and just feel I really didn’t deserve to spend Christmas afternoon and evening on my own without my DD.

He sounds like a twat.

But it’s been the tradition for your parents to come around and then go to his family’s.

Was there a discussion that this definitely wouldn’t be happening?
When was DD planning on seeing them and getting her presents?

He didn’t leave you on your own - you chose to stay at home.
I think it’s unfair to claim he left you on your own, also that you were ok seeing your Jen family but not his.
So YABU for this.

But this relationship seems very unequal.
Of course when you were a SAHM it was your job to do the majority of the housework etc but if you are working now then the amount you both do should reflect the hours you work.

How come you’re not married?
You’re in a very vulnerable position.

He was 26 when he started a relationship with a 19 year old?

That tells me all I need to know about him.

You havent understood properly ........ This christmas no plans were made. Her parents didnt come to breakfast. Her husband deliberately insulted her efforts her cooking etc, knowing she would be very upset at this injustice (she did all the work to make it happen). He knew she would be upset, he was deliberately cruel. The op felt she couldnt go along with the sudden plan to visit his parents, as it was obvious she had been crying...

Its extremely hard to reason with someone who is so openly contemptuous like this, and remember likely all of this happening in front of dd. Mum will not have wanted to exacerbate any argument. He had it all planned clearly, or just knows how to hit the right buttons (abusers often do).

It’s not been tradition to see his family in the afternoon. we have agreed each time (last two years) to different plans. Once at his sisters and once at his parents for lunch. And it had been planned we would have a quiet Christmas at home. You don’t suddenly change the plans to go get more presents. Clearly he had agreed to it behind my back assuming I’d just be compliant and go with the flow I also have 2 sisters who would like to see their niece at Christmas but this never happens because he kicks up such a fuss and is extremely difficult about it.

Had I put a brave face on it and went to his parents again, i would be letting him walk all over me and use emotional black mail to get what he wants. It was quite obvious he didn’t want me there, hence all the personal insults. So no I didn’t choose to be on my own, to go wasn’t really a viable option any sane person would make.

Sending you the required strength you need OP.
You cannot continue to live like this.
You deserve so much more.

I'm not sure if this is true but yes, definitely get some legal advice before walking away

OPs parents did come as normal and so I wondered why that part was done as normal but not seeing his family.

I do think it’s unfair on DD to see OPs family but not her other grandparents.

But I think the DP sounds awful.

Ahh I see yes that makes more sense.

Obviously you did choose to not go and chose to stay home alone but I understand why you chose to do that.

I think Christmas is a bit of a red herring though and even without it happening, it’s obvious this relationship is not working and DH does not like you or see you as his equal.

Realistically are you planning to leave asap or wait a year or 2?

If you are not planning on leaving asap, I am wondering whether getting married (in a small registry office) would be in your best interests.

Because they made no plans to come and see us, they would have been very welcome. In hindsight this had already been agreed without me being told. I have no problem with his family at all and we spend all of our time with them throughout the year. I go to every single event, birthday etc but the same isn’t reciprocated with my family. I see his sister and her family a few times a month, we are very close and get on very well. I enjoy their company and we’d already shared two evenings before Christmas with them. (I am under no illusion though that things will change when we break up). In contrast, OH barely sees my family, never sees my sisters from one to the next and nieces nephews, he opts out of everything. I attend all family functions on my own and he will moan about the time I’ve spent “sat around drinking tea”. So yes it is a very unbalanced relationship, because he can’t bring himself to make any effort for me.

He would never marry me, he would have everything to lose and nothing to gain so no motivation to marry me. Never been on the cards in all this time. He has constructed our lives to his advantage, every decision that’s been made is to serve him and to make life more difficult for me. Yes I agree Christmas is a red herring, or more the final straw.

Gently, if you know he’d never marry you then why have a child with him or be with him for 20 years??

If he left for another woman, you’d be screwed.

I am so glad you’ve finally seen the light because you deserve better and after 20 years this will never improve.

Just to clarify, my parents make the effort to come Christmas morning because otherwise they wouldn’t see DD. They don’t stay long as they also have to be elsewhere for Christmas lunch. My family also get together in the afternoon but we have never been there and he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. If I had said later on to my parents, oh we spent another Christmas with OH parents and family they would be hurt and wonder why we don’t take it in turns etc. So I also felt quite conflicted in that respect.

Because it wasn’t always like this, things took a massive down turn once we had DD. And then I focused on her and I guess papered over the cracks. Previous to that I wasn’t financially dependent on him and I didn’t foresee the vulnerable position I would be in. Totally naive I know.

I honestly wouldn’t want to live like this, nor show daughter this is a healthy relationship. Your husband is creating a toxic relationship where he undermines and under values you. It’s horrible and you know you deserve better. I’d speak to a solicitor to see how to sell your half of the land to your husband, if he agrees. I’d rather live in a flat with my daughter than live in a dream house with an abusive partner.

It was far from great before you had DD
And ever since born, plummeted.
This has been for her entire childhood
Make the change now. At least you seem to trust him with her

My family also get together in the afternoon but we have never been there and he wouldn’t even entertain the idea

do you drive @Lastrolos ?

Yes I drive. I take DD to see my family independently, so she does see them, just OH that doesn’t.

Totally agree, will be working on making this our new future. Thank you for your response.

So you could take your DD to see family over Christmas?

what is the atmosphere like day to day? Do you eat together? What happens after DD goes to bed? Share a bed together?

are you parents aware of what’s going on? Any friends?

You probably don't think it right now, but 39 is sooo young in the grand scheme. If you make the change soon you have loads of happy decades ahead.

Yes and your own life is valuable too. Twenty years of it invested in this to end up here. Don't lose much more of your time being treated badly you don't deserve it.
At least it sounds like you may be able to co parent.

This is just how my husband behaved leading up to us splitting up, sounds like he wants out but hasn't got the balls to do it cos he feels guilty about his daughter, start making plans and bide your time for when the moments right, try not to act impulsively for the sake of your daughter, then just up and leave, he doesn't even deserve an explaination, and anyway he would only turn it back on you. Remain dignified and calm.

I totally agree with this!

It isn't naive. You trusted him, which is completely rational.

Life is too short for this. Forget what financially is better to wait for etc. Call and make an appointment to see a family solicitor tomorrow. Get advice on how best to leave now, without delay. Then follow that advice and leave. Go and live a life.