Would you surrender Christmas to your DH?

[Vaster]

This year, as always, DH has moaned that the children have too many gifts and has spent most of the day eating the food that I planned and bought and cooked and cleaned up as if it was all provided for by a magic fairy.

When I asked him to help me clean up he said I am always looking for a fight and I don’t get what Christmas is about (love, peace, family).

He doesn’t seem to realise that I am Christmas. Without everything I‘ve done over the past weeks, today would have been just another day.

I am sorely tempted to surrender Christmas to DH and see where that gets us next year. But I value my DC‘s happiness too much.

So, just for fun- what would Christmas look like if your DH took over? If it would be the same, or just as great, then lucky you- hold on to him tight. Because after sitting in silence for the past 2 hours, I‘m regretting my life choices tonight.

Enormous piles of presents, loads of cheap processed food, random decorations. And board games.

It’s me that brings the ‘special’ bit- the quality food, house looking beautiful, the pacing of what we do and any meaningful bits- church, advent candle etc.

He would just do a lot more of what he already does. I try and find something a bit different or special.

I would have no hesitation handing Christmas over to my DH. I haven't cooked for the last 35 years as he prefers to do it, so he does the shopping as well. He will also clean the house without being asked, if he see's that it needs doing. The years I was at university 2016 to 2020 he would collect me when I finished for Christmas and I walked into a beautifully decorated home (which has always been my role), so was able to just sit down and enjoy it. Present buying wouldn't be a problem either as our adult dd's over the years have got into the habit of providing a list, with links of things they would like and it is shared with the family, so they will get things they wanted, but won't necessarily know who from until Christmas Day.

You could always keep doing bits for your children, but drop the stuff for him? But tell him, so he has the opportunity to step up.

So presents for the kids, but bare minimum for him. Buy the drinks and food the kids like, but his favourite beer? Nah. Don't pick up the wrapping paper from his presents. Let him plate his own dinner. Plan Christmassy events for you and the kids without concern for his availability.

But tbh, I don't think I could stay with someone for a while year if I disliked him that much to wait a year to "show him".

It would look pretty similar I think. There would be fewer presents, but they would be thoughtful, good quality things. They’d be wrapped badly though 🤣. Dinner would be just as good but probably less waste. There would be no snacks/chocolate and probably no Christmas crackers. Cheese would be from the supermarket rather than the cheese monger - perish the thought!

Regretting my life choices even more now. You are very lucky

I'm sure my DH would put some effort in but no it wouldn't be great. He'd need direction.. he's always asking me as though im the lead on anything domestic.. without there being any discussion on whether I wanted that role. But ridiculous questions like 'should I put the tree up?' When the tree is there in the box in the living room and its December. Like he just doesn't take the initiative with anything that you'd think would be obvious.
But he IS well meaning. He get a few gifts for the kids and they were based on the kids interests so he does pay attention to that. 90% of the gifts were bought by me. The timings of when to shop, when to decorate, what events to go to, when all the school stuff was.. that was all organised and thought through by me.
He does do things like he drove to pick up my mum and will drive her home. He puts together the kids gifts like my sons laptop and bike. I'd not be able to do that.
I think if I did nothing and left him to it it would go OK on some level it just wouldn't be great. It wouldn't be up to my standards. I think he'd make an adequate christmas dinner bu himself.
There was one year when he did that as my dad had dropped dead suddenly in late November, so I was grieving and just lost the plot after the present opening and had to go to bed. He was left alone and he did roast the turkey and did some frozen roast potatoes. It wasn't as good as what I had planned but to give him credit he did just do it and it was fine. And I was grateful for that. I think I do just have higher standards than him about christmas and yes there's some gender dynamics that have fed into that, and no it isn't fair or ideal. But I do know iys not malicious and he does care

Let him.

Get some back up pressies to stash for the kids and just let him do it all OP.

You spent today doing all the cooking and also the cleaning up? Is he always such a lazy unpleasant dickhead, happy to watch you run around while he eats what you make?

Ha - we’d have amazing roasties & fuck all else

The food would be much the same as he cooks every year. I buy al the presents though so there would be fewer of them and not as well thought out. I do think it will still be Christmas though, just a bit different

It’s the cooking that would worry me. He could do everything else, but the man, god love him, cannot cook for shit. He would manage everything else with ease and it would still be as special as when I do it all, but we’d be having takeaway curry.

I realise just how lucky I am. I won't say that we haven't had our ups and downs over the years, we have. But generally, we are very happy together and I hope that my dd's get to feel the same in their relationships.

I had a bit of a hissy fit yesterday because I drive EVERYTHING in the house. I’ve taken a step back over the last few months but the things I’m not driving are simply not getting done. I pointed it out and listed them and dh just had no response.

I will continue to take a step back and allow their world to go to shit. I’m not a project manager and I’m definitely not theirs.

There would be 1 present each, not wrapped. Some food but missing essential components to make a meal. House would be a shit tip. Some vague idea that we are going to MIL’s but no idea when. An urgent need to wash the car on Christmas Day meaning nothing else got done. Would you like me to go on?

I'm afraid if Christmas was left to me the house would be beautiful, the presents chosen and wrapped, the shopping done but I would be ordering a meal from the Chinese restaurant for us. I also believe that the food does make Christmas day special, but it is being with friends and family that is more important.

DH did all the cooking and tidying today. I did all the presents for DD but I love doing it so no issues there. We both are involved in decorating though he does most of the outside I do most of the inside. I never have and never will be a wife who buys him his gifts to give his family. He does that. We did a secret Santa with my family. What else is there to do really

Hmm. There would be a tree with some kind of decorations on it, and maybe some other lights or decor in the hoUse during December. There would probably be a couple of small gifts for the kids on Christmas Day, and watching some Xmas movies and cartoons. That would literally be it.

He is from another culture, religion and country and didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas at all :)

He helps me out with some things and tolerates everything I want to do. I’m very graTeful for that.

DH would make a lovely dinner. He’s a great cook. But there would be zero decorations, the presents would be poor or non existent and there wouldn’t be much fun involved as in general he loathes Christmas.

My Daughter would probably have a few less gifts as I think he thinks I probably buy more than needed and I put a bit more thought into her gifts, whereas he would be more last minute.

But the rest would be the same, he did the bulk of the cooking today and will do the same tomorrow and he also cleaned the kitchen after.

He is the one more fussed about decorations so again would be much the same. It would literally be Daughter having a few less gifts I think.

Everything would be the same. I'd rather be single than run around after a man, DH or not.

Surely equality is taking turns each year to ‘run’ Christmas? I wouldn’t hesitate (and I’d turn it into a bit of a competition- as that would hopefully motivate him to raise his game 😆).

I really feel for you OP, and I love your comment “I AM Christmas!” This made me smile, you sound so capable and great!

What about if you made a list of all the things you do at Xmas, present it to him when you feel neutral and not angry anymore, and say “Here’s everything I do at Xmas and I’m exhausted doing it all, I’m going to need you to take over next year, it’s your turn.”

Then stand back and see what happens. Tell the DC that DH is doing Xmas too, so they will know who the gifts have been bought by and what’s going on.

You might want to get them back up ones just in case but do not tell anyone about these!

Thankfully I have one of the good DHs that wud do a brilliant job of Xmas day without me, but the presents would defo be more last minute! It’s easier to share it as a team tho.

Maybe if you hand Xmas over to him he will realise he needs to start pulling his weight.

Fingers crossed for you OP! 🥰

The kids would have loads of presents, but some would be second-hand bargains from Ebay which show signs of wear and tear or have one piece missing (why is there usually one piece missing? 🙁) Rather than wrap them in paper, he'd leave them in the plastic parcel bags or put them in gift bags.

Christmas dinner would either be heated up out of tins, a ready meal or a takeaway. Afterwards, he'd do the washing up without being reminded, but not very well and I'd be tempted to give them another rinse to get rid of all food remnants.

The decorations would be bright, cheerful and rather uneven. He's never given a hoot about symmetry.

He would hand me a G&T early on and encourage me to drink it, then he'd give me another one and I'd be merry for a while, but need a nap after lunch.

Actually, I think the kids would enjoy it!

ExDP and I used to share cooking Christmas dinner. I used to do as much as possible on Christmas Eve while he was relaxing, watching the TV. On Christmas Day, he therefore had a lot to do than me and he used to tell me I was lazy because I wasn't helping him. We always had a row about whether I was lazy or not.

He did but presents but I had to wrap them.

He did zero cleaning, tidying or washing up.

If I'd left him to do everything for Christmas, he probably would have wrapped presents on Xmas morning- he would have made the DCs wait while he very slowly wrapped them (that's what he used to do on my birthday).

Lunch would have been at 5pm at the earliest. Every item would be swimming in cream.

The whole house would be a filthy mess and the kitchen would be full of incredibly greasy pans for days on end.