Would you surrender Christmas to your DH?

[Vaster]

This year, as always, DH has moaned that the children have too many gifts and has spent most of the day eating the food that I planned and bought and cooked and cleaned up as if it was all provided for by a magic fairy.

When I asked him to help me clean up he said I am always looking for a fight and I don’t get what Christmas is about (love, peace, family).

He doesn’t seem to realise that I am Christmas. Without everything I‘ve done over the past weeks, today would have been just another day.

I am sorely tempted to surrender Christmas to DH and see where that gets us next year. But I value my DC‘s happiness too much.

So, just for fun- what would Christmas look like if your DH took over? If it would be the same, or just as great, then lucky you- hold on to him tight. Because after sitting in silence for the past 2 hours, I‘m regretting my life choices tonight.

I am no longer with my ex, but ds always spends Christmas with me. His dad's idea of Christmas is to buy him a book.
This year I had to email ex with a list of things ds wanted. He took ds shopping a week ago and bought him a pair of walking boots. He didn't wrap them, buy a card, buy anything else.

I've shopped, cooked, cleaned & decorated the house, bought a tree, made mince pies and cake, wrapped a dozen presents for ds, played chess & scrabble, shared the GCHQ Christmas quiz with him, we've visited rellies, invited friends over, hosted, shared a bracing Christmas walk, cleaned and lit the log burner, dressed the table. Cleared the kitchen, dismantled the dishwasher and cleared a blockage.🙄

We've had a good time. I think it is worth the effort. Much easier without a grumpy man in tow. Ds will remember his Christmases as happy, relaxed, well-fed and with an excess of chocolate. 🙂

The house would start and end filthy, but we’d have loads and loads of presents, wrapped nicely but he’d get to bed about 6am. Presents wouldn’t be even, although less likely to notice with so many.

I think we’d have lots of cookies and chips, nice drinks. Chocolate and nuts. Probably cheese because he knows I like it. Lovely fruit.

I cannot imagine what Christmas dinner would be. Would he realize ten minutes before that he can’t get takeout? At 11pm the night before that groceries are closed? Buy groceries and then realize he has no clue how to cook?

I was annoyed with him not being able to help cook/serve/set the table. But then after eating I just did nothing for a few hours. He does parts/most of the labour of cleaning up but also misses big parts. It’s fine.

The food would be better (excellent cook), but he only starts thinking about presents a few days before. He would also be about clueless about what DD would like from her list as she only ever tells me (on that aspect we have good friends where the dad is the default present buyer for Xmas). Gifts would, however, be beautifully wrapped (something I can't master, and he is amazing at it).

He would probably go and get the food on Xmas eve, as he doesn't seem to understand that booking a delivery slot is very much 'you snooze, you lose'... He's also a slow cook, so dinner would end up being at 10pm if he wasn't nagged...Actually, we would probably end up eating at his parents', as it would be simpler (and they only live around the corner. Both great cooks).

It wouldn't be a bad at all if we didn't have kids- just not really suitable for kids who can't wait to eat or open gifts! Just as well we play to our strengths!

Why do you tolerate the nonsense of a grown adult not contributing… letting you do all the basic functions of living and parenting?

On the other hand, if you are keen to engage in a load of unnecessary, expensive, time consuming performative waffle then who could blame them for sitting back and letting you rock on? You need to negotiate expectations of their idea of Christmas is different to yours

I think DH would have a good go at it, he knows how much i love christmas. There would be a tree and decorations, probably not the way id do them but im sure he would get creative. He would do a full house clean too. The meal no id bet he would book us all to go out for that, And gifts would be cash, transferred on the morning as he thinks its less wasteful and would forget to draw it out. No DC at home and this idea is kind of appealling. Oh, he probably would forget some of the pickybits but id be fine with that.

I did that this year. I didn't make Christmas happen. So there is no tree, no decorations, no presents, no special Christmas food, no treats, no snacks, no nothing. He hasn't even NOTICED.

Honestly my DH does as much as me - except the cooking but that’s cause he’s a vegetarian.

so the only real difference is we’d all end up eating butternut squash wellington instead of turkey

Sounds ideal!

The house would still be decorated, the kids would still have presents, we'd still go on Christmassy outings, we'd still have delicious food. But the timings of everything would be off and everything done last minute

Given the palaver yesterday when all he had to do was roast potatoes and parsnips and steam carrots and broccoli, I think the meal would get him in a panic but he'd be fine otherwise. It did make me laugh everyone congratulating him when I'd made braised red cabbage and roasted cauliflower cheese from scratch so more work but no one said a word.
Oh and dinner was an hour late as he cant manage timings on a roast

Instead of stewing in silent resentment and plotting your revenge, make this the year you and your husband start talking to each other and working together to make it as you'd both like it, with the tasks and decisions fairly made.

How have you allowed this to happen?

I have absolutely no interest in being in charge of Christmas and that’s how it has always been in our marriage. My husband happily does far, far more than me. I’m better at making the house and table look lovely, but that’s my only area of expertise.

Any household I see where the wife is a run ragged servant just makes no sense to me. My mum used to run herself into the ground doing it all while my dad looked on. She’d end up knackered and resentful. But she created the situation in the first place. 🤷‍♀️

That's incredible. And rather sad. Heaven help your dcs if you weren't around.

I do all the cooking, my wife stired the gravy, I did most of the shopping and a lot of the decorating, Things wouldn’t change much…

It would look and feel the same. I had a good think about who does what in our Christmas and the split of thinking, shopping, decorating, cooking and cleaning up happens organically without much discussion as we’ve done it so many times. He’d like a more curated tree while I have treasured homemade stuff showing much love and wear that’s decades old. He’s more aesthetic and less sentimental than I am. On the gifts he sorted his older kids, stockings for ours and about half of the other gifts for ours. We shared the cooking. He bought special vegan food for some of my relatives. He loves Christmas and would make it just as special if I didn’t do it and vice versa.

No children. Just me and him. I think this year will be our last together. I'm done.

DH would leave Christmas shopping all
last minute and then panic buy random
things for the kids and would generally just stress the whole time lol. He does actually appreciate what I do and there are things in general he takes care of that I don’t enjoy so it’s pretty even and I’m happy with the share of responsibilities.

DH does all the food (shopping, prep, cooking), wraps everything apart from what I’ve bought him, although I’m sure he’d do that if I asked. I do the cleaning as I want it done a certain way, although he makes a game effort at cleaning up the kitchen as he’s cooking.

I think it would be fine, pretty similar to how it is maybe with less stocking presents because he wouldn’t know about the dds makeup likes and dislikes or think to pick up the little bits that they’ve indicated to me they like. They’d have proper tree presents though, wrapped not to my standards but they would exist!
The tree would be too big but fun, he does the outside lights anyway and the dc decorate the tree every year already,
not us.
He does all the cooking and most of the shopping and prep for the meal and evening buffet stuff so that would be the same.
We both clean up after the big meal.
He’s pretty handy and hands on so I think it would all run pretty efficiently.

Yes, I would too. He was a ‘second hand model’ and clearly very well trained previously!😂

Not just Christmas, but household tasks, packing for holidays, food shopping, gifts for his family.

Saying that all of my sons do the same and certainly manage Christmas now, even as young men.

It is about expectation. My dad did NOTHING. My mum panders to him, he thinks it is funny if we challenge him.

My boys were brought up, from being tiny, to be independent in a household where I was a full time working, single parent. Not unusual for them to iron their own secondary school shirts or call at the supermarket so that they could prepare a meal for me coming home.
We had a ‘tidy’ evening every Thursday, where all of us were given jobs to carry out.
Made for a much more relaxed and fun weekend.

When we cook for the masses DH is in the kitchen with me if I ask ( as per instructions he keeps clear otherwise so he listens )
he is chief dishwasher and entertainer and host
he does his own Christmas shopping , writes cards , loves the decorating , shares the cleaning

he’s not available for sale or rent

I hope you have expectations of your son, ( age appropriate) and his role in Christmas (and life) otherwise he will grow up just like his dad!

I do think-to broaden this discussion a bit- the big mistake we make is thinking women who don’t have crap men are lucky. It’s the very least we should expect. And we shouldn’t be modelling this stuff to our children-particularly our daughters.

Oh I’d happily hand Christmas over to dp because he likes Christmas and does all the components well. It would look a bit different but not radically. Actually I can’t think what would be different! Maybe less Bach, more McCartney, and he’d send fewer Christmas cards.

My previous main partners both loathed Christmas and would probably have ignored it if they could, they’d certainly not have done a fun Christmas for ds. Handing over Christmas to either of them would have been awful. And I was very happy with one of them at least.

I suppose if he has a vestige of a point, if you do get exhausted and cross at Christmas, it’s worth working out if any of it can be simplified. Like worrying about a present for him?