Would you surrender Christmas to your DH?

[Vaster]

This year, as always, DH has moaned that the children have too many gifts and has spent most of the day eating the food that I planned and bought and cooked and cleaned up as if it was all provided for by a magic fairy.

When I asked him to help me clean up he said I am always looking for a fight and I don’t get what Christmas is about (love, peace, family).

He doesn’t seem to realise that I am Christmas. Without everything I‘ve done over the past weeks, today would have been just another day.

I am sorely tempted to surrender Christmas to DH and see where that gets us next year. But I value my DC‘s happiness too much.

So, just for fun- what would Christmas look like if your DH took over? If it would be the same, or just as great, then lucky you- hold on to him tight. Because after sitting in silence for the past 2 hours, I‘m regretting my life choices tonight.

If I left it to DP we would have the Christmas he could be bothered to do, there would be no thought about what others like/want. I do Christmas for me and our children, he’s very lucky to be part of that.

Fuck no. Everything would be last minute. He would have to fight round the supermarket on Christmas Eve, coming back with whatever they had. Alcohol would feature heavily, as would crisps. Presents would all be from Amazon or Tesco (I make him do his family every year, I know this).

He would cook a reasonable meal but would make a huge mess and use (and spill) far too much oil. There would be more leeks than anything else. Everything would be cut in massive pieces and most things would be ever so slightly undercooked. (The packet said x time, he put it in a deep sided dish and didn't add any extra time/look at it to check, just took it out at x time.)

We would see family but it wouldn't be remotely planned, so our elderly mothers would be in a tizz from September onwards and not have a clue when they were seeing us, so not feel able to make other plans. But in spite of this it would all work out just fine and I'd be told I just needed to chill out about it. I, dds and our mothers would all be well aware of how much had been let slide. Stocking gifts would be shit if they existed at all. No cards would be written until well after the last posting date.

Because everything was last minute he would also spend far more than I do, because I start early and am v savvy with spending. But he'd be quite willing to do it, and there may come a time when I need to just give him the reins and zip it. For now, I'll carry on doing 90% and enjoy the results!

I would love to do this, just to see!

If I handed to my partner, my predictions are:

Presents would be brilliantly thoughtful and lovely. He is an amazing, generous gift buyer. however that wouldn’t be properly wrapped, they’d be in gift bags that he found in our christmas storage box.

Food would be delicious. He does all the cooking anyway, the dinner this year was delicious. However we might not have everything we want, as he’d probably do the food shop the day before Christmas Eve!

There would be zero aesthetic touches. I love dressing the table for Christmas with festive mats, runners, candles etc. No crackers or nice napkins. I could live with that though!

The tree would be put up a few days before Christmas , and it would look a bit naff 🤣

Mine doesn’t cook much or have any original thought with food etc but he’s good with presents, and makes sure we all have gifts we want.

Be honest (with yourself) OP: is he only like this over Christmas or doesn’t he watch you do all the work for everything only to bitch and moan about it and gaslight you into believing you might be the problem?

I’d absolutely hand it over. He cooks anyway - prefers to. He’s done the decoration and how hard is it to buy presents ?

DH buys a lot of presents but tends to buy stuff that he would have liked as a kid, things he thinks they should like or things that are useful / educational. Some of this is fine, but I add things that the children actually want, things that they will enjoy and some things that are just silly and fun.
He wouldn't think of practical things like do we have enough milk, what are we going to have for breakfast, what will vegetarian DD have.

Lunch would be extremely late and he would be stressed out of his mind. He can't cook and gets really stressed when he tries. He can't multitask.

@Vaster presumably this is all of your life not just Christmas?
I definitely do more, particularly the food, DH is no chef, but we do presents, wrapping and planning together. I sort the food and cook, he helps where he can, does the table and ALL the clearing up, dishwasher and washing up!
DS is too old for Christmas days out but we both planned them when we did go. I go with my mum now 😂
You need to decide if you, and your children are happy. My bet is they aren't and you certainly are not. I grew up in a household with a miserable father and my mum painting a smile on and papering over the cracks. Children know and they will always remember, trust me!

Yeah I don't think your DH sounds that great unless he is excellent other times. Christmas can be tad too much for many by many and simplification would be good.

Mine actually didn't even celebrate Christmas until I came on a scene and I could still hand it over to him. Would he go as far as I do with decs? No. But that is my choice. He would probably go even further with food than I do😂 He generally does the food shop while I still work and hands down, even I wouldn't get such a spread. He is also the one driving cleaning...
God I am a man, am I😂
We don't have kids though so it's basically just relax, food, presents.

It would likely all be last minute if anything at all. No decorations. Kids would definitely have less presents, if any. No seasonal activities. He sees it as ‘just another day’ due to his background/working on xmas. He will ‘help’ with cleaning up but that’s about it. It makes me sad- if i wasn’t here there would be no ‘magic’ for the kids. I’m pretty sure this is how it was for generations of women before me. I’m mentally checked out, just can’t afford to physically check out of the relationship.

DH does a lot more than me in terms of sorting Christmas.

He does all the decorations and there’s lots of them. Numerous trees and light strung up in every room. Shelves decorated with lights and Xmas ornaments.

He buys most of the presents for extended family and writes most of the cards. If Christmas was left to me to organise, it would be far more minimal. I find it a chore to be endured rather than enjoyed.

All year round we share cleaning and tidying although I do laundry and most of the cooking. He’s washes up what isn’t put into the dishwasher.

He’s not bothered about food so Christmas dinner is quite simple with no faffy extras as DC and DH have very simple tastes.

The only thing I’d change is that we’d eat meals together at the table at least once a week. He prefers to eat small amounts during the day so sorts himself out and eats his main meal sat on the sofa around 9pm.

The only meal we ever sit down together for, is Christmas dinner once a year, as that’s my deal breaker. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He does all the food buying and cooking so that would be exactly the same, and he’d just about manage the present buying though there’d be less thought and fewer treats and it’d really stress him out.

The one thing I know he’d change is the tree - he’d buy a pre lit fake one and only hang about a third of the decorations on it.

If DH took over 100% it would be perfect - we do it jointly now. He’s a fully competent adult and loves his family so I would have no concerns if I did nothing although that’s not how our family is set up.

Everyone can multitask - I assume he holds down a job? Everyone can also cook - I’m sure you don’t starve on the days he cooks?

He’d probably get Christmas dinner on the table as he will benefit from that but Christmas cards , presents, wrapping of presents and Christmas tree / decorations would not be done !

Why is having house “looking beautiful” a Christmas thing?? Does it look beautiful? Because you have a tree up? @Vaster

Christmas would be very different.

I’m a planner and a perfectionist so need to have everything sorted to be able to function. Who will be here, where we will go, exactly what food will be made and ordered and all the presents very fairly purchased and wrapped.

He is totally ad hoc. Whole family is the same. No idea who’s coming or going. But they are all natural hosts and chefs so somehow there would still be plenty of yummy food, even if it was served 3h too late (IMO). He’d end up with family roped in to do the dinner but it would be nicer than mine.

He’d spend a ridiculous amount on great presents but they wouldn’t be wrapped well/at all. We’d have an enormous tree but I am not sure it would be decorated.

I am coming to realise that his way would still be great. It wouldn’t be my version of a “perfect” Christmas but everyone would have a brilliant time still. I get uptight about it all being just so, whereas he just leans into whatever is happening and is calm throughout it all. Definitely brings more of the festive spirit!

He is working most of Christmas (surgeon), but when he’s here he is fully here - playing with the kids, popping to the shop, making everyone drinks, making sure I’m OK - whilst I might be fretting and not that much fun. I think we make a good team.

100% hand over Christmas to him next year and give him no hints, tips, help.

Just let him do all the bits you do, and you put in as much effort and his has this year.

If its shit, so what that's what Christmas looks like with him at the helm.

Honestly women need to stop being the stop gap, men need to step up.

Ds17 is pretty good. He bought and wrapped presents, went and cut holly with berries for decorating, he put up the gable lights, he joined in with games, our walk and socialising, He did a fair amount of clearing up.

He has never cooked a roast but would have a go. Likely get timings wrong. He'll have a crash course in cookery after his a'level exams and before uni. 😁

@NeverDropYourMooncup

is your husband quite ok?? That you think that without your insight and intervention he would eat so much ‘pig’ to the point of needing medicine for severe constipation…it’s quite worrying.

Does he need a lot of support in every day life?

I think he could probably pull off a roast but would mess up the timings so it wouldn't all come out of the oven and be steamed and ready at the same time. Alot more pre prepared dishes that can be banged straight in the oven instead of from scratch, definitely wouldn't be putting sausagemeat stuffing under the turkey skin. Aunt Bessie's Yorkshires instead of homemade. Bisto gravy. He would probably do a good job though but be very frazzled and there'd be lots of muffled swearing in the kitchen. 😅

I pretty much arranged 90% of DCs gifts, including finding some absolute bargains and helped with letter to santa, grotto visit etc and also wrote a thoughtful reply from Santa. I got xmas wrap and tags, decorations, put the lights up outside and in.

I think some of that stuff would have been missed but DH has been extremely busy at work on the xmas run up, close to burn out.

On the other hand he's been using all of his little spare time to do DIY jobs round the house to make it nice for christmas including doing most of the decorating in the dining room. Also he does this lovely thing of always getting me an extra little gift to open at the Christmas table for cooking the Christmas dinner. "Chefs present" he calls it. Just a token, but really thoughtful, I think his Dad used to do it for his Mum.

We've both been working flat out to make it special and we're both really appreciative of each others contributions. We've now both got the dreaded flu and tag teaming parenting. Pure adrenalin has got us to this point.

Sorry your DH is being an arse OP. Xx

There would be nothing. No decorations, no advent calendar, no Christmas activities. No Santa, no presents, no tree. No special meal. No cake. No gifts (definitely no gifts, DP hates the whole ritual of gifting and regards it as pointless). Nothing at all.

He wouldn’t do it even for his DC’s?

Dh made me stop cleaning yesterday for visitors, handed me a box of Pringles and some chocolate and told me to enjoy Christmas. He rounded up the kids later and we all got the place tidy in record time. I think different people bring different things to the table. We assume everything will fall apart without us but it would just be different (but yes the teachers wouldn’t get gifts, we wouldn’t buy raffle presents for the nativity etc!!!)