Page 15 | Father in law never joins Christmas walks

fetchacloth · 27/12/2025 16:42

My guess is that FIL wants some quiet time on his own and is too polite to mention it in case he hurts your feelings.

WarmGreyHare · 27/12/2025 17:00

comoatoupeira · 25/12/2025 19:30

Just that really. He never goes outside even with the stunning weather we’ve been having. I can see it annoys my MIL but she doesn’t say anything directly. The kids are confused, ‘why doesn’t grandpa come too?’ And I don’t know what to say. MIL just says he’s staying to do the potatoes or something, but he’s not.
He’s fit and no health issues.
Thinking I should get my 7 year old to be direct with him about it?

It would be totally inappropriate to get your child to confront him unless you want their feelings hurt.
Lots of reasons he might not want to come, the most likely being he is glad to have an hour's peace and quiet at home. If there is a houseful of guests including noisy children for an extended period of time, then wanting a short time to himself seems entirely reasonable to me. Not every one thrives on continual socialising. If he is kind to the kids the rest of the time then leave him in peace.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/12/2025 17:31

SereneRaven · 26/12/2025 20:29

Geez, I feel bad for the OP...
So many MNers totally jumped down her throat with "why does it matter to you what he does?" "What do you care?" "So, let the man do what he wants"

You guys are freaking lazy and a horribly opinionated but then again, I mean she is asking for your opinion so, ask a question, get an answer, right.

I get it. Many of us have to do things we don't want to do when we don't want to do them because we have to. Or we feel that we have to, we either have to (like work / school) or feel that we have to (relationship/family /friendship issues and expectations) and an awful lot of people put their own wants and needs last.

Like, if you just finished cleaning the house, doing all the shopping, planning the dinner, doing all the prep work, you're absolutely exhausted, and all you want to do is take a nice warm bath, or put your feet up cozy and watch some dumb TV....
Then all the sudden some family obligation comes out like oh we have to go and visit so and so or oh we have to go and do a walk or all we have to do this or all we have to do that...
And you really really don't want to and you really really feel that you'd like some me time and you really really feel that you deserve a break but you also feel that you don't deserve to let the family down, and that you don't deserve the right to oppose, so you do it and then you resent it. I think a lot of people are feeling that. The resentfulness, so they say, "leave the man alone if he doesn't want to walk don't make them walk What do you care?!"

But I agree with her and a few other posters that said look, don't be so hypocritical. When the plans are being made to go for a family walk with the young children, and you say "yeah this is a great idea let's do it" And you claim to be an outdoorsy individual, but then when it's time to put on your shoes, he says no I'll just stay here instead. And no he's not staying behind so we can clean up and no he's not staying behind so we can wrap the presents and no he's not staying behind so we can do some other work so that other people who are enjoying a bit of a break taking a walk don't have the extra work when he comes back no he's just doing it because he doesn't want to. Sorry. Selfish.
When there are young children involved and you are trying to get them to go out for a nice walk on a beautiful day (And yes I would say blue clear skies on a gorgeous Christmas season day is gorgeous weather) And you're trying to instill the idea of doing things together as a family especially outdoor things that involve activity not just sitting around everybody doing their own thing staring at their devices... It would be nice if everyone made an effort. Little kids are only little once. Few years from now they're going to want to do something else probably video games or maybe hanging out with their friends, not going for a family walk. Will the grandfather be regretful that he didn't go for walks with them when he had the opportunity? Probably not probably won't even think about it. But, you only get this time once. You don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. So, get off your ass, go for a walk, and enjoy yourself.

OMG, what a self-righteous screed!

And unless you’re American - or Canadian - the word is ARSE.

JohnTheRevelator · 27/12/2025 19:45

Stunning weather? Where are you?!

CassandraWebb · 27/12/2025 20:08

JohnTheRevelator · 27/12/2025 19:45

Stunning weather? Where are you?!

It's been beautiful here! (South coast)

Caricature · 27/12/2025 20:39

CassandraWebb · 27/12/2025 20:08

It's been beautiful here! (South coast)

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It was here, too, in the Welsh Marches. Gloriously sunny, sharply cold.
I appreciated it through the double glazing of my centrally heated flat 😏

CassandraWebb · 27/12/2025 20:43

Caricature · 27/12/2025 20:39

It was here, too, in the Welsh Marches. Gloriously sunny, sharply cold.
I appreciated it through the double glazing of my centrally heated flat 😏

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Oh yes it's very cold but that adds to the Christmassy feeling and the sunshine had been beautiful

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 27/12/2025 20:46

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 27/12/2025 08:58

The classic transactional relationship, just because someone doesn't want to go for a walk!! 😅

Mumsnet sometimes 😹.

Edited

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Don't pretend you're stupid... what I'm saying is "some people (it may be the FIL in question or not) can't be bothered to do anything for others if it inconveniences them and act like this for their whole lives. These people deserve to be treated with the same consideration they've shown others during their lifetime."

SirChenjins · 27/12/2025 20:54

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 27/12/2025 20:46

Don't pretend you're stupid... what I'm saying is "some people (it may be the FIL in question or not) can't be bothered to do anything for others if it inconveniences them and act like this for their whole lives. These people deserve to be treated with the same consideration they've shown others during their lifetime."

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Don't be ridiculous - the man doesn't want to come for a family walk, that's all. Nothing whatsoever to suggest he doesn't want to do anything else with the family ever.

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 27/12/2025 21:13

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 27/12/2025 20:46

Don't pretend you're stupid... what I'm saying is "some people (it may be the FIL in question or not) can't be bothered to do anything for others if it inconveniences them and act like this for their whole lives. These people deserve to be treated with the same consideration they've shown others during their lifetime."

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Ha, insults, how grown up of you.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 27/12/2025 21:56

lol

Maddy70 · 27/12/2025 23:19

And.... He obviously doesn't enjoy them let him be

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 28/12/2025 02:26

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 27/12/2025 21:13

Ha, insults, how grown up of you.

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I'm very grown up. Not all the time, though.

Okthenguys · 28/12/2025 05:14

I wouldn’t want someone on a walk unless they actually wanted to be there. Similarly I would be pretty put out if I felt forced to join one. This is a great opportunity for you to teach your DC to live and let live, and perhaps also internalize that yourself. As an aside - if this is the only problem/concern you have in your life, you are very lucky.

Anonymouseposter · 28/12/2025 06:19

Sometimes it’s essential to do things that we really don’t feel like doing for the sake of other people but some things, like going for a walk, are optional and it’s not stopping anyone else from going if they want to. Having too many expectations of other people and pressuring them tends to make everyone unhappy. It’s usually best to stay in your own lane and not attempt to control other adults. Judgement about other people’s life styles is also very irritating. Leaving other people to do all the necessary work is selfish, choosing not to participate in a leisure activity isn’t.

speakout · 28/12/2025 08:25

It is good for children to see that people are all different, make different choices, and not to give in to peer pressure.

To not enjoy walking is ok, to enjoy being alone sometimes is ok, grandad's and indeed their choices are valid. This doesn't mean that the children to do as they please and never think of others, in fact it allows them to learn too that the needs of others are important too. It can allow them to learn skills of self awarerness, negotioation and authenticity.
Peer pressure is huge for children, and as they grow it can be very powerful Constantly deferrinng to group choices can be dangerous- that party they didn't want to go to, those extra shots their friends are pushing.

Grandad doesn't want to go a walk- and that's fine. Grandad likes being on his own sometimes- and that's good. Children have the capacity to understand that and have respect for tthe choices of others..
Trying to control others like this is not healthy, and trying to decide how others find pleasure is not a good thing.

In this grandfather's position I would have chosen to stay home alone too. That choice does not make someone lazy or unscociable.

speakout · 28/12/2025 08:27

OP can I ask- if grandfather came on the walk- but didn't want to be there, wasn't enjoying it- would that make you happy?

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/12/2025 10:11

Cornishclio · 26/12/2025 23:26

Well it is his business but if he struggles with mobility in later years due to not keeping active I would not hesitate to point out walking would have helped. My husband doesn’t like walking but he does it for the health benefits. Anyone who scorns that may regret it in years to come. That is not moral judgement but evidence based that people who walk regularly keep their mobility as they age. We have 80 year olds in our walking group whereas I have friends in their 60s who never walked and just sit around watching TV and can’t even mount a flight of stairs without getting out of breath.

OP has hinted that in his normal life he's active. For you to extrapolate from him not wanting to go on the enforced log-hurdling activity that he's going to "struggle with mobility in later years" is ludicrous.

I walk 5+ miles a day - very briskly- with my dog. I'm in the gym 3+ times a week, on the treadmill and doing weights. I would still refuse the Christmas walk, simply because it's not my idea of something I'd enjoy.

Cherrytree86 · 28/12/2025 10:25

LowkeyLoco · 27/12/2025 15:13

It’s crazy isn’t it? I can just imagine the conversation: “yeah we left grandad to die in filth because he didn’t go for a walk on Christmas Day”. People have lost their minds on this forum.

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@whatwouldlilacerullodo

how cruel. To not help elderly relatives when they’re at the most vulnerable because on Christmas Day they didn’t want to go on a walk and log jump to entertain others

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2025 10:31

JohnTheRevelator · 27/12/2025 19:45

Stunning weather? Where are you?!

We had 3 full days - 24th to 26th inc. - of sun and clear blue sky, in the Wirral and Liverpool, where we were staying. But cold - we needed to wrap up!

Now back to dull white cloud in outer SW London.

Davros · 28/12/2025 10:48

We had that weather in London too in those days, you were away 🤷‍♀️

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2025 10:57

Davros · 28/12/2025 10:48

We had that weather in London too in those days, you were away 🤷‍♀️

TBH I’m not bothered - just chilling after a pretty busy time.

Deboragh · 28/12/2025 11:07

MrsJeanLuc · 27/12/2025 09:22

Erm ... just Google it:

Scientific evidence overwhelmingly confirms that spending time outdoors improves mental and physical well-being across most populations. The effects are measurable, including reduced stress hormones, lower blood pressure, and improved mood and cognitive function

And anyone who has a problem with uv in the UK in December is in serious difficulty. It's a very good idea to get some sun on your face in the winter (every day if you can) - apart from the mental health benefits it aids absorption of vit D which protects bone density, etc.

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While a nice walk may be good for you in some respects, if you've got a condition like rosacea, believe me, a crisp walk outside can feel like having your face sandblasted.

Rainydayinlondon · 28/12/2025 11:45

comoatoupeira · 26/12/2025 19:28

By stunning weather I mean big blue sky, something we didn’t have for weeks (in East Midlands). Sun on your face and fresh air. scientifically proven to make you feel good.

yes it’s cold but with winter coats jumpers hats and scarf it’s not.

each to their own is more complex than just “letting people do what they want”. We do things for lots of reasons, because of group dynamics, because of habit instilled in us in early years, because of impulse control. If it’s all about doing what you feel like as an individual in the moment, that brings a lot of limitations to what we can do as humans.

i agree on Christmas Day these sorts of things might be less important. Or maybe they are more important?

But he’s (probably) 30 years older than you… those decades make such a difference in terms of energy levels

This is why mothers of 35 can cope with broken nights and play groups and running around after toddlers and 65 year old grannies find it exhausting.

I assume he has spoken to everyone/oohed and ahhed at the kids’ toys? If so then he HAS taken part in Christmas.

He just too tired/cold to frolic and jump over logs.

Davros · 28/12/2025 12:02

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2025 10:57

TBH I’m not bothered - just chilling after a pretty busy time.

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Quite right, I’m joining you