Father in law never joins Christmas walks

[comoatoupeira]

Just that really. He never goes outside even with the stunning weather we’ve been having. I can see it annoys my MIL but she doesn’t say anything directly. The kids are confused, ‘why doesn’t grandpa come too?’ And I don’t know what to say. MIL just says he’s staying to do the potatoes or something, but he’s not.
He’s fit and no health issues.
Thinking I should get my 7 year old to be direct with him about it?

Some people just don’t like going out for leisurely walks, I’m one of them!

Some people just don’t like going out for leisurely walks, I’m one of them!

Obviously all of the above doesn't just apply to her but to everyone, and she will tell you you are Wrong, Lazy, Fat, or Greedy if you eat or drink more than her.

If this is the bit you identify with, you stop by stopping. Just don’t do it.

Some people just don’t like going out for leisurely walks, I’m one of them!

Some people just don’t like going out for leisurely walks, I’m one of them!

I think there is an element of nuance missing from your assessment though OP, which is the fact that FIL is older and a different generation.

I'm not saying that means he's frail or incapable, but from my own experience I find it's often the case that grandparents like to have a mix of family time and downtime at Christmas. My own dad is hale, hearty and outdoorsy but he doesn't usually accompany us on our Christmas walk because it's often the only time in the day he gets any kind of downtime where he isn't chatting to kids, building Lego, helping out etc.

Our Christmases are child-focused and he loves that but he takes the opportunity for some adults only or solo downtime when we're out - to do the crossword, have a quiet chat if another adult is around, reminisce about his own prior christmasses, phone other relatives etc. It doesn't mean he's a meanie who won't join in; it just means he's balancing the family's needs with his own.

Your comments on the moral attitude you take to walking and food, and how to combat it, are something to address in therapy. I wish my mother had done so before her behaviour gave me an eating disorder which is still to this day fucking with my life. It's also ruined her own life and I wish she was free of these attitudes that make her miserable and alienate people.

@comoatoupeira you dont need to change, have boundaries, have your own rules around food and exercises and diet. Go for a walk / run / cycle / hiit everyday, whatever.

But, you can’t expect everyone else to want to do it too.

for me, I can’t eat the dinner and the dessert and the cheese and the snacks and I don’t really drink. I don’t care if other people do, but my body doesn’t work like that and I choose not to. It doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone. In fact I often feel shamed for not indulging or drinking more. It works both ways.

Well it is his business but if he struggles with mobility in later years due to not keeping active I would not hesitate to point out walking would have helped. My husband doesn’t like walking but he does it for the health benefits. Anyone who scorns that may regret it in years to come. That is not moral judgement but evidence based that people who walk regularly keep their mobility as they age. We have 80 year olds in our walking group whereas I have friends in their 60s who never walked and just sit around watching TV and can’t even mount a flight of stairs without getting out of breath.

good grief get a life OP the poor man doesn’t want to go for a walk simples leave him be and just tell your kids grandad doesn’t want to come simples ‘ such drama !

@Cornishclio she describes him as outdoorsy, fit and having other hobbies. So I’m guessing he just didn’t want to go for a walk. It’s a bit confusing as in the op and another post she says he never goes outside but then says he’s outdoorsy. But I’m inferring it isn’t that he isn’t fit and active it’s that walking or this walk isn’t his idea of fun.

Ok I have just reread he is fit so maybe he does other exercise. So he just doesn’t want to engage with family on a walk. Fine, leave him at home and no doubt that is what your kids will remember about Grandad in years to come that he didn’t want to come out and play. If he doesn’t see them often I would think that’s selfish and read he isn’t interested in engaging with them but then there are lots of selfish people around. I wonder what this world would be like if we all just did exactly what we wanted all the time? Sometimes you suck it up for family. It wouldn’t be a hill I would die on though. Does he engage with them on other things?

How do you become less judgemental? If I could honestly tell my mother that without falling out (again), it'd be:

1. Stop voicing your thoughts out loud. Don't tell people that you "couldn't possibly" because it sounds like you are judging them for wanting to do the thing you dislike.
2. Observe the thought and question why you feel the need to say and think these things. Why are you so uncomfortable with (not) doing them? Does it make you feel better to say it? Why? How is your self-esteem? Who taught you these moral values? How do you feel about that person/culture?
3. Make notes and try to do better. Don't raise your kids to be judgy twats. I became one and got better with distance/time.

On point 2, for my mum it's decades of dickhead parents, patriarchy and internalised misogyny. She sounds like a shit 90s/2000s women's magazine at times.

Maybe he has piles.

Maybe it reminds him of sad times for some reasons.

Maybe he takes the opportunity to be alone as he stinks the loo.

maybe he needs the time on his own for mental health reasons.

Maybe it's his chance to pray in tounges.

Maybe he's not as fit as he makes out.

Maybe he has a weak bladder and doesn't want to need the loo when out.

Maybe he just doesn't want to.

Also have a brother who plays golf but hates walking.

Doesn't make sense to me but also doesn't have to.

We go out and he stays in, have never thought to question him about it.

Just accept that people are different.

I'd be going with 'he wants a leisurely and discreet poo.'

If you do get a ghost writer, I’d advise getting one who can ‘do’ brevity.

The big difference is that the people who like to chill on the sofa aren’t trying to force you to do that with them, so they aren’t imposing anything on anyone. At all.

Nobody cares whether you sit on your arse or go skipping through the woods with your children, OP. Going for a walk isn’t the issue. The issue is you thinking that all your guests should have to join you and that they’re somehow morally defective if they don’t.

Let him do what he wants 🤷‍♀️

Good Lord I am astounded that so much can be deciphered from a man not wanting to go on a walk. I don’t think the OP’s FIL is the one who needs to find a hobby.

Of course not, but a civilised thing to do. If you can't be bothered to help entertain family children, that's absolutely fine. Worth keeping in mind when they need help walking, or a nappy change at an old age. (selfish family members don't get favours when old and frail)

When my (adopted) children were first placed with me I took them to Church because that was part of their weekly routine, rather than because I was a Church goer. The hour they were in Sunday School I used to sneak round the corner and sit in a coffee shop for an hour and just stare into space with a glazed expression. It was the one moment every week.i had to myself - as far as anyone else knew i was either helping with Sunday School or listening to the sermon... 😂

It would be a no from me as well.

My Christmas day involves me wearing stretchy pyjama bottoms all day, eating Quality Street for breakfast, napping after lunch and then sharing large chunks of cheese with the dogs while watching TV.

It's been bloody freezing out, so the last thing I want to do is put on proper clothes and go rambling around the fields or leaping over logs.

You two need to stop being martyrs. I can tell you from personal experience that a life where you put your own needs and wants first is great.

“Christmas is for joining in” - this sentence gives me the chills. You sound unbearable op.

If someone burns in minutes even at low uv, the sun on their face doesn’t make them feel good.

neither does fresh air filled with pollen, which is there even in winter for people with bad allergies.

there is no scientific evidence that going outside makes everyone feel better. Some of us have to hide indoors with our whole home air filters and slather on the spf to walk outside for a few minutes.

if you are going to make grand statements, make them accurate.