Grandparents going on holiday over Christmas

[Raspberryberet67]

I’d appreciate thoughts on grandparents going on holiday when grandchildren are young. We’re second marriage- grandchildren on my husband’s side, primary school and nursery age. Son-in-law not impressed that we’re away this Christmas. In past years it’s been difficult to see them due to elderly parents. Are we bad grandparents??

Can son in law go to his parents?

I would have been miffed if my parents went away because it’s a lovely time for us and the kids. But if they were on a second marriage then I’d just see the one who wasn’t away.

Son in law can suck it up. You are not bad grandparents. Enjoy your holiday!

After decades of doing the dutiful at Christmas and being stuck in quite a rigid routine, I can’t wait to be able to jet off somewhere warm in years to come. YANBU.

Not sure how to reply but fashionqueen0123, yes son in law told us that it wasn’t our turn last year to see the grandchildren ( he has parents ) although we wanted to visit for a short time ( didn’t expect a full day invitation) It’s an impossible and frustrating situation!

That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Who’s business is it if you go away, of course you’re not bad grandparents. You can see them before and after Christmas.

Maybe there is miscommunication between you.
when did you book the holiday? When did you tell them you wouldn’t be around at Christmas?
I would have chatted about plans before booking the holiday. Am I right in thinking last year was other parents year and this year is your year?

Nah - go on holiday and enjoy yourself!!

Unless you’re the parent of a very young child and leaving them alone / with relatives, there’s zero issue with you going away at Christmas.

I think as they said last year wasn't your turn it feels a bit deliberate to book to be away this year, like a passive aggressive response. Alternating is very common, in your shoes I'd go away the years your husband's son is with his in laws

Sorry if I've got this wrong. Do you mean that last year you didn't see the grandchildren at all despite wanting to (because it wasn't "your turn"), and this year it would have been your turn to spend Christmas with them but you're going away instead? If so, that does seem a little odd. Couldn't you have timed it so that you're away when you don't see them and at home when you do?

It’s nobody’s business! Son in law needs to give his head a wobble and stop being so entitled. Have a lovely holiday!

You are so far from bad grandparents.

Personally I'd have been over the moon if my parents had gone away when DC were small, less work to do making beds and cooking for everyone 😂

OP, do you both make an effort to see the grandkids at other points in the year?

Maybe you could alternate it so you see family one year, go on holiday another year?

Though personally, as someone who’s never spent Xmas in their own home, thanks to a very rigid set-up each year, I’d take your trip as a blessing!

It wouldn't bother me one iota. Go live your life! My choice to have children shouldn't impact on anyone else, certainly not my parents or in-laws!

We alternative which family we see at Christmas. Honestly I’d be really upset if my parents did this. I know you have the right to do whatever you want but it’ would feel like a statement that we don’t matter to them.

Oh, so this year was meant to be "your year" but you are now going away? I can see this would be frustrating for him. I'm the child of divorced parents so we have a 3 year cycle between all the sets of grandparents to make sure we and our small kids get to spend a Christmas day with each of them fairly.

If this was your year and you're going away then yes it's annoying for them as it has a knock on effect for future years. Did you understand this? If it wasn't communicated to you then ok but it sounds like they tried.

We are grandparents and we decided to away for Christmas a couple of years ago as we had the family together thing for quite a few years on the trot and had to stay in a hotel overnight.
We simply needed a break and maybe that is the situation with your grandparents.

He sounds quite controlling and unreasonable. You can take holidays when it suits you; if you’d been properly invited and left your trip to the last minute I’d understand him being upset.

You can take your holidays when you like. Some v odd answers on this thread.

We do every other year between DH’s and mine, if either went away it would be two years before seeing them at Christmas again.

This is very much sacred, nobody would even suggest changing it- maybe son in law thought it was similar.

You can go on holiday whenever you want - every Christmas if you want to (sounds a lovely idea!).

Surely visiting family isn’t just a Christmas event?

Exactly, I think it's this - they were probably doing their best to make sure everyone got a year to see the grandkids on the day and this throws it off.

Ordinarily I'd say of course the grandparents can go away whenever they like - and they still can! - but in an system like this they could have just chosen to do it on a year they aren't spending Christmas with the grandkids anyway. No doubt they'll be complaining when next year isn't "their year" either.

My children's grandparents (in laws) are away every Christmas. Doesn't bother us, we do a small celebration with them another time. They are definitely the type to do what suits them, rather than basing things around family, but that's fine it works and we just see them when we see them.

You are entitled to go on holiday whenever you want BUT you can’t complain next year that you aren’t seeing the grandchildren because it “isn’t your year” when you choose to go away whenever you are able to see them.

My in-laws are always going away on holiday (pretty much away every 4-6 weeks all year round) but then get annoyed they haven’t seen us in forever and annoyed that we don’t rush over to see them when they are back. My opinion is that we have our own life, if they can’t make an effort for us why should we make the effort just because it’s convenient to them. We’ve had not so subtle passive aggressive comments that they chose not to go away for Xmas this year but next year they won’t bother staying home and will go away as no one has invited them over for Xmas lunch ….. (and in my head I’m thinking perfect I already know I’ll be getting a fantastic Xmas next year because you won’t be here 😂)

Are you bad grandparents for going away at Christmas …no.
Are you bad grandparents….depends on if you make an effort any other time of year or if you just expect to see the kids on Christmas because “your family” 🙄

Xmas turns years was an un discussed routine my ex mil insisted on. I hated the rigidity of it. It didn't work. Some years my Dad was working in "his turn" another time my ex H was deployed, another year we had the flu. I think its common and deemed fair but not that many families actually discuss this arrangement it's usually an assumed pattern that has worked for a period of time out of luck/convenience and then one year someone decides they want to do something different or circumstances change (house move/distance/elderly parents of the Grandparents etc).
Some of the comments on this thread just show the thoughts on "turns" and the emotion/anger attached to it.

I wonder if your relatives have just assumed theyre working on a "turns" basis when actually that's what they want in thier heads but not actually discussed that this is ehat they want/think is fair or works best. Because if theyd discussed thier assumptions youd have had an opportunity to say your thoughts on this.
Everyone is entitled to spend Xmas how they want. The key is in good early communication.

Ah so now he wanted to see you this year? Argh. I guess they’re trying to be fair and see each family in turn.
well I guess he can see his parents twice and then see you the next year! His wife might be pleased so it doesn’t seem like an issue to me