Grandparents going on holiday over Christmas

[Raspberryberet67]

I’d appreciate thoughts on grandparents going on holiday when grandchildren are young. We’re second marriage- grandchildren on my husband’s side, primary school and nursery age. Son-in-law not impressed that we’re away this Christmas. In past years it’s been difficult to see them due to elderly parents. Are we bad grandparents??

We have my parents in law within a bigger family. Then my mum, who is alone and recently diagnosed with dementia, and my dad who has recently remarried. They had been divorced for 25years but we often all had christmas as a family, usually here so that no one would be on their own, it was very amicable. We have a DS now who will turn 3 in late December. For his first xmas (turning 1) we had both my parents here, together with new wife. Last year we were volunteered to host the in laws (all 12 of them), so my dad and his wife suggested they go on holiday as it would seem an opportune time. This was absolutely fine with me and understandable, made sense timing wise. This year they're going away again, despite the expectation being that we would host my side of the family all together again. I imagine it's that they aren't particularly bothered with spending it with my mum, again understandably (I will not have my mother alone at Christmas but could have split the day somehow). I've found it a more sad/disappointing decision on their part this year as it will be a more magical year for DS to miss seeing them on xmas day and the context of us being with the in laws doesn't apply. However, I do think they are entitled to spend christmas however they wish, especially newly married. I only feel sad, not annoyed with them. We've done a lovely christmas experience with them beforehand and they will be back for DSs birthday celebrations. I do wonder now if we will see them on christmas again though unless we aren't seeing my mum, which is unlikely.

Surely it means they get a free pass this year to do what they want and next year it’ll be back to the other GPs (& you could go away again) and you could host in 2027?

That said, if you’re retired and can travel at any time, you could probably go in Jan to the same place for a lot less money, so I might be inclined to do that. However, if you’re working and want to make use of annual leave plus bank holidays, it makes sense to go away over Xmas.

I’d be delighted if DF took himself off…. But DB have shared him for the past 30 years. The years I don’t have him it’s either been hosting MIL or (hurrah) going away ourselves.

i don’t think you’re doing anything wrong… but may depend on comms. We have a vague discussion in late summer about who is hosting.

It sounds like he is very rigid and trying to enforce ‘taking it in turns’

You want it to be more flexible?

Sometimes taking it in turns is the only fair way though. By going away this year I guess he sees that you’ve missed your ‘turn’. Don’t be surprised if he refuses to see you next year because it’s not your year (as ridiculous as this is).

In his eyes it would make sense you went away on a year they weren’t due to see you.

How does your daughter feel about this?

You can go away whenever you like though. Clearly you want it all to be flexible and that’s fine.

Sorry just seen it’s not your daughter.

Do what you want! Do they actually want to include you in a meaningful way? My dc are very aware that when my (still very fit and well older parents) aren’t a factor I want to spend Christmas in warm places!

Wow. He sounds so rigid! What does his wife (assume she’s the daughter of your husband?) say? I mean none of anyone’s business when you go on holiday! I’m sure if he decided to go on holiday over Christmas he wouldn’t consider the generation above’s feelings.

I think you might need to have a conversation- saying you don’t expect to see them every other Christmas and you may well be away quite a bit.

Then they’ll take you out of their plans.

Your expectations are clearly mismatched.

When did you tell them you were going away and had there been a discussion that you were supposed to be doing ‘turns’. That’s would have been the point to tell them you wouldn’t be around.

Well it all depends on what was discussed. Did they say to you “sorry this year we are at his parents but would love to see you at Christmas next year?” And did you say “great!” If so then yes you are being a bit unreasonable to go away, I mean it’s your choice of course but it’s not what was agreed, means they need to make a new plan for their Christmas, and shows you are prioritising your trip over seeing GC at Christmas.

However if there was never any such discussion and they just assumed they would see you at Christmas this year, that’s on them an no need to feel guilty. Enjoy your trip.

Who the hell says in laws can’t visit at Christmas cos it’s not their turn.
id be going away every Christmas and leaving the circus behind

This! I never understand this weird expectation that GPs should be on hand at all times. Enjoy your holiday!

I thought it was fine until you said this year is now your turn to spend Christmas with them, that is a bit off. Why didn't you go away last year, or next year instead assuming its alternate years. We alternate years between sets of grandparents and I would be miffed if they had chosen to go away on their year, especially after trying to muscle in and visit the previous year.

This.

Good grief if you don’t enjoy life now there might not be much left

I'd say go and enjoy yourselves. Not all grandparents see their grandchildren over Xmas, either due to work, circumstances, ill health, just want a quiet Christmas.

Entirely up to you how you want to spend Christmas but I think your SIL has it planned in his head that you are doing the every other year thing so now he is flummoxed.

Do what you want to do over Christmas, it’s your life and if you want to go away, do it!

Honestly, I’d be really hurt, and I think you are doing it to make a point given what happened last year. Your choice, of course, but don’t expect invitations in future years.

This inability to please yourselves as you are expected to fit into a routine that other people have made for you makes me shudder!

If you want to go away, go and have a good time.

Why are all the objections coming from your son in law? Does he always do the organising for everyone’s schedule? Did he even ask you?

Why can’t you see the grandchildren on some other Christmassy day eg anytime between the 24th and 27th? Or even any time a week either side?

We always do a Christmassy thing before the actual day as in take them to see Santa etc. As for including us in a meaningful way, it would be good if the parents stopped looking at their phones while we were there but I digress…
We weren’t actually invited anyway this year or any year for that matter so the “turn” bit is bewildering as we’ve never been invited to join them anyway!

Who gets to decide it’s ’your year’ FFS? Like hell will I be playing that game with my kids when I age. I’d be like the OP and going off on my hols. Excellent idea.

Go and have a fantastic time! We dont spend Xmas with dh's gc....we see them before.

My in laws had done this year as it wasn’t their turn to spend Xmas day with us but we were due to see them Boxing Day. I just view it that they have very little interest in my child and therefore I have very little interest in them

Well then you’d be deducing a lot of churlish, sulky nonsense that had more to do with your ability to act like a grown up than it would their feelings about your children.

If grandparents choose to not be present at big events, they’re the ones missing out.

I say this as a parent to two amazing kids who’s grandparents in both sides DGAF. I am trying to reach acceptance. It’s been 13 years, I’m struggling with it still.

my in laws haven’t come for Christmas in about 8 years. They have missed out on all that joy IMO. Now the children are older they don’t want them there anyway. They tried to come this year - haha. Told them to FO. It’s too late.