Grandparents going on holiday over Christmas

[Raspberryberet67]

I’d appreciate thoughts on grandparents going on holiday when grandchildren are young. We’re second marriage- grandchildren on my husband’s side, primary school and nursery age. Son-in-law not impressed that we’re away this Christmas. In past years it’s been difficult to see them due to elderly parents. Are we bad grandparents??

So what’s your SIL on about then?!

Completely fine op.
Cant see why the son in law is bothered. Surely his parents happiness is important to him. Whats wrong with him having a quote Christmas with his own children, most people would love this.

Do you think they were expecting you to invite and host them?

I think a son in law has a cheek to be upset about you going away.

Why ? They can’t be arsed with my child why should I be arsed with them? I am not sulking it’s just a how it is - but I am not going to put effort in for people who don’t reciprocate

My parents did this. Their argument was that if they saw us, it was one, maybe two days and then the rest of the time they sat there on their own But if they went in a cruise it was seven nights of meals, food, entertainment and company. I totally understood that, always saw them for a celebration the weekend before they left and realised they were adults who had to decide what was best for them.

Do what suits you. No one should be telling you how to spend your time and money. However, equally, be aware you can’t demand anything from them either.

I don't understand why any one family gets to decide Christmas for everyone else. Decide what you want to do, invite who you want to invite each year from no one to an open invite and have fun. Of course you can go away as long as you don't expect them to change plans to suit you next year. I like to do different things every Christmas and hate routine so I definitely wouldn't commit to anything that lasted forever.

Of course grandparents should go away at Christmas, if they want to! It's a perfect time if you're (semi) retired and still fit enough to travel. How dare the next generation try to dictate when you go on holiday!

My kids gp’s moved 100 miles away so missing Christmas is no big deal imo if you are around through the year.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong then if there's been no discussion or invitation or its not the usual way you do things. Enjoy your trip!

There are.

Enjoy your holiday!

Enjoy your holiday! You have a life too! Merry Christmas to you OP 🎄 ❤️

I can’t remember why it started, but my parents started going away on holiday for Christmas when I was late-20’s early 30’s. They had a great time and made some good friends. The children, some abroad, all did our own thing (sometimes going on holiday ourselves).

This “holiday with friends” worked really well when my Dad died; mum still wanted to go away with an increasing number of widows.

Your son in law sounds as if he had come up with a plan…which mushroomed over the past few weeks…without bothering to tell you.

What are they like the rest of the year?

Get over yourself! If you were that bothered about your Dc seeing their grandparents at Christmas you’d make sure it happened every year rather than this ‘turn taking’ bollox!

Why is it bollocks to take turns? It’s fair - geographically it’s not possible to do it all in one day. My in laws just aren’t interested and them going away has proven it even further

Uninterested but expect expect us to bend over backwards for them like their birthdays, anniversaries etc but can’t be arsed with us - obviously their attitude over the rest of the year is clouding my view if they were more involved maybe it wouldn’t bother me

I have young children and no it's not bad at all for you to go away over Christmas.

YANBU for going on holiday whenever you prefer to go.

Confused, from your posts, about what has happened in previous years. But it sounds as though you were not invited for Christmas day, whereas SIL’s parents were, and you / your H asked Dd/step DD to ‘pop in’ for a bit of time on the day? If so then you or your H were U to have done that.

Who has told you SIL is saying this about your holiday? If it’s him, you or your H (if DD is his DD and your step DD) could speak to DD and say you’re surprised he’s expressed these views. If however it’s been passed on by your DD or step DD, she should speak directly with whoever her bio parent is if SHE has concerns, and not pass on her H’s views.

Your posts imply that DD/step DD and SIL always invite his parents for Christmas day and never you and your H.

If that’s the case there seem two most obvious potential reasons.

One that SIL is selfish, in which case if this was part of a pattern of his behaviour I’d be concerned for my DD/step DD and seeking for her parent to spend time with her 1:1 whenever possible (not at Christmas) to seek to maintain the relationship.

The other is that your DD/step DD doesn’t want you and / or your H there.

Grandparents can’t win! If they are there they annoy everyone and if they bugger off that’s wrong too!

I’m not that PP but I have a similar set up. The first year me and DH spent Christmas together was spent with my grandparents (at maybe 17 years old), so we visited his parents the next Christmas and have alternated since. The schedule decides whose year it is.

My MIL, bless her heart, would sacrifice anything for these christmas visits. She would never go on holiday and sacrifice having her whole family together. The set up is primarily to make her happy, SIL and her kids also alternate between DC’s dad’s family and PIL’s house. My side thinks it’s nice but aren’t as bothered.

It’s not a game, it’s a schedule so everyone knows where they are each Christmas and can plan accordingly. You don’t have to do it but it’s a genuinely good system that works to ensure nobody feels left out.

Works for some @BabyHairs if it’s discussed and works for your ‘nuclear’ family and extended families. Which could change at any time.

In OP’s case, though, it doesn’t seem to have been discussed.

Not in all cases! I love seeing my parents at Christmas. We only see them every other year because that's the fairest way (we see DH's mum on the years in between - can't combine both due to distance) and I would be really disappointed if they decided to go on holiday when it was "their" year.

My parents have been spending Christmas abroad for the best part of 20yrs. It’s their life so it’s up to them what they do. They left a few days ago and will be back at the beginning of February.

I, personally, couldn’t do it. Now I have a grandson I do look back on how they were with my children, in particular, and wonder how they were so detached. They were quite detached as parents though, too.

Tell them you will be turning up at 6am.

TAAT, sorry.