What would Christmas be without Mums?

[PontiacBandit]

I reckon 85% of Christmas is down to women making it special. Traditions, decorations, meals, gifts. The planning, having to think of everyone, the organising of when gifts go to people, shopping for gifts and food and alcohol, sending cards, cooking a massive roast meal on the day, wrapping gifts.

I have a good DH but he's pretty rubbish at these things. He does more housework than I do but the planning and organising is not his thing at all.

If women did nothing at this time of year it would be shit show wouldn't it?

We decide how we want to do Christmas each year and then both pull our weight to make it happen.

It blows my mind that men are so shit, but more that women keep enabling them. Just stop it. They either behave like equal partners or you should get rid of them.

There are definitely women who make it a big part of their personality to be the martyr. My mum loved nothing more that sitting down with like minded women, slagging off their awful men (which they were) but doing nothing about it. My mum left my dad and went back to him. She could have had a life pleasing herself and was financially independent but she had no life without being a martyr and she seems to enjoy it. She loves this time of year as its peak moaning for everything she has to do while he does nothing. She tells anyone that will listen, no longer me. She thrives on it and I think a lot of women are the same. They like being in the ‘we’ve got a useless man, look at everything we have to do club’. What a sad life.

You created a monster.

Why would you not address it now?

Each year I:

• Buy the tree
• Get all the decorations out the loft and decorate the house
• Buy all the presents
• Wrap the presents
• Buy all the food
• Lay the table
• Prep, cook all the food for the inlaws
• Clear up, wash up

My wife still calls me a fxxxxing lazy cxxx that does fxxx all for Christmas, though. 😄

Dh would panic buy some gifts this week. They’d be fine, dc would be happy but he wouldn’t get the best prices, and he wouldn’t think about what dc already have or what they need. He’d buy food, but he wouldn’t think about traditions or anything special. There would be no Christmas Eve traditions, no Christmas morning traditions, no stockings, no days out planned, the kids wouldn’t make Christmas cards or do any baking or anything like that.
So he would do Christmas fine, the house would be fine, the kids would be fine everyone would be fed, but the fun traditions the things that I think make it magical wouldn’t exist.
To be fair to dh though dsil doesn’t do any of that either and I think that’s because that’s how they were raised rather than because he’s a man.

Completely agree, men aren’t pressured by society to martyr themselves for stuff that doesn’t matter. They aren’t socialised to be people pleasers or to think their currency and worth is based on what they do for other people. We should be looking to be more like that, not bemoaning how terrible they are and how superior we are whilst self flagellating.

im not talking about absolute bellends of men who are abusive or do nothing on their partners birthdays of course.

First world problems 🥱

Totally agree.

I also think some of the women stressing that their husbands can’t manage it actually wouldn’t like to relinquish control anyway. And if they were right that their husbands wouldn’t do as much as them, they wouldn’t like the realisation that everyone will enjoy Christmas just as much.

I disagree. My db is a single dad, not through his choice, and he does a fabulous Christmas! A real tree, a full dinner, stockings, gifts, lots of family traditions he created for his kids.

He also works FT.

MN can be so sexist. Not all men are useless .

I dont agree with you @PontiacBandit, I dont think its 85% of men who feel like this and do minimal effort towards Christmas, I'd say its closer to 98%..(and that's me being generous)

@ElfieOnTheShelfie, your db is definitely in the 2%

You are so right. I will. (I've already done a lot of it for this year but will rein in the rest.)

My parents both worked full time. My dad was the one that did the washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, DIY, taking us to clubs and parties/friends’ houses. A fully competent adult and engaged parent.

I found an equally capable man. They do exist.

How are you all getting so hoodwinked?

I have streamlined Christmas. Luckily my dc (19 and almost 18) are too old for the elf to have been a thing. The Christmas Eve box wasn’t widespread, nor were hot chocolate stations etc. We did Father Christmas at a garden centre and drove round looking at lit up houses (didn’t light ours). I organised this.

I have a fake tree and decs in a cupboard. So I just need to get it out and put it up.

I have got presents for dc and dns. Try not to do adult gift exchanges. Waste of time, effort and money in general.

we just go to Tesco a few days before Christmas (me and DH) and buy a chicken off the shelf, call it a turkey, get some veg etc. no ordering or elaborate making.

visit db for a day as well. Dm is nearby anyway.

that’s really it. I have set it up to be very low maintenance so I think it I didn’t do it, DH would carry on with what I’ve set up.

I used to feel guilt, 15 year ago and before the menopause, that I needed to make everything perfect and magical. I don’t feel that shit anymore so it doesn’t stress or bother me too much. What does bother me is how hard it is to sort out problems over the Christmas period. Such as house problems or health problems.

The men I knew wouldn't care if the children were disappointed. They wouldn't care if they were hearing about how every other child in the friendship group got gifts on Christmas Day or a stocking or a really nice dinner. They would just have said 'well you don't' and the kids would be expected to put up with that.

I think this is why women tend to 'make' Christmas, because we are concerned with our children not having a miserable and disappointing experience. I would hazard a guess that it's women without children or, like me, whose children are all adult, who say 'fuck that shit' and eat cheese on toast in front of the TV?

I’d like to think this might be a generational thing that we’ll start to see less of to be honest. My grandad has never done anything to help with Christmas prep, he famously went out at 4pm on Christmas Eve every year to get my gran’s christmas presents- she thinks this is lovely, not sure I’d agree! My dad did/does more than my grandad ever did but it was still mostly my mum. We now have 2 children and I would genuinely say it’s about 60/40, slightly more me but mostly because I have more time but my husband is still pretty equal and of my friends the same age it’s the same so hopefully the tide is turning!

This is pretty much how we split it too, except I decorate the tree by myself/with the kids because I like doing it. And this is a DH who isn't particularly keen on Christmas, wheras I love it.
Another thing we share is crying "It's too early!", "It's not Christmas yet!" until about 15/16 December, at which point I concede it is indeed Christmas and we go and buy a tree, while he continues to say "it's too early!"

For many years, I worked on Christmas Day until 3pm. Exh did everything. Put the tree up, made Christmas Day lunch, did the Elf on the Shelf thing etc..

My dad also did half of everything at Christmas.

Current partner has done way more than me this year (our first Christmas living together).

So no, it's not always the case and neither should it be.

In our house there would be no presents ,no wrapping of invisible presents , no cards sent , no decorations up ( to be fair he does get them down from the loft though )
People wouldn't starve but I'm not sure what they would be eating !

The men you know wouldn’t care if their children didn’t get presents??

I'm sure some things would get done, but a lot of things would be forgotten. I spoke to DH about it before and he says it's because the majority of men just don't care about decorations, light trails, elves or traditions. I suppose he has a point that some of it is unnecessary and it's usually women who tie themselves up in knots trying to be perfect (not all women obviously!)

Yep. Probably, to be fair, just because they know that their wives or OHs will deal with all that. But left to their own devices they really wouldn't bother.

I agree, but women are doing that for children not (mostly!) for themselves.

But how much do children really care about these things?

Women create immense pressure on other women to do things a certain way.

Was coming on to say this. Not all women are 'mums'. And some of us enjoy preparing for Christmas.

I think that's lovely.
It's not insignificant that he on his own though. When a woman appears, men seem to be very happy to delegate stuff they could do themselves.