Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

Pleeeease do as others have said - have a seating plan, serve him last, get him a token gift and don’t wait on him! I think you are a great host OP and want to make your guests feel welcome in your own home - but you also deserve respect too!
my dad and FIL are also like this - literally sit on their arses like Jim Royal all day and then conveniently fall asleep drunk after lunch in the armchair and lambasts anyone that puts tv on/ makes a noise etc until they want to wake up and ask where their cheese board is

Why isn't your husband seated at the head of the table? That would piss me off for starters 😡

Right, but people also need to realise that they're not the only ones who matter here. It's all very well to say 'oh I wouldn't stand for it, sack them off, they're not welcome in my home' etc etc and that sounds very empowering and cool - but you're unilaterally making a decision for you MIL and your DH and your children there.

MIL cannot change her husband. She sounds like she knows how his behaviour is unpleasant and is trying to mitigate it. But she can't alter it. And banning her from the house and seeing her son at Christmas is horrible.

Similarly, as difficult as he is he IS still your DH's father. I'd be angry if my DH started single-handedly banning members of my family at Christmas time. It's not just your place.

Marrying someone means their family come too. And sometimes you don't like all those parts - but in a marriage sometimes you have to accommodate that.

@ThisTaupeZebra

great post

I didn't read the entire opening post, I stopped as soon as I got to the mention of ARFID.

Thank you so much for mentioning this. So many people don't get it, or don't even know what it is.

Not only have you thought about it, you've included it in a post that has no relevance like its an everyday thing such as allergies.

Thank you.

Right, I'm going back to read the rest!

I’m seeing a few posters suggest the OP does a table plan. She earlier updated to say she tried that and FIL and MIL didn’t abide by it! He sounds like an utter horror.

So, it's not all male relatives that are entitled. Just this prick?

In our family is step-father, I offered him choice of paying towards the feast or washing up ...

You really should not put up with this. I tell people where to sit when they eat at our house.

Does he carve the turkey too? If so I'd do it myself first then take to table telling everyone to 'dig into the meat' whilst ferrying out the veg. That'll stop him taking ownership.

Not sure about that. My dad is 88 and wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. He’s both a good host and a good guest.

There are so many responses here I can't wait to read them all, but the two cents I was going to include was stop empowering him.
I know it's easier just to play along with this ridiculous game that everyone's grown to accept but, you know what, if it drives you crazy, and you don't mind the inevitable fallout that might occur, then it's time to introduce father-in-law to the 21st century.

Again, this is going to be difficult, and if he is majorly displeased, he may announce that the two of them aren't coming anymore, and your husband might be upset also. It sounds like everybody plays along with this. How much does it bother them? You say that your mother-in-law is quite aware of all the extra work that his entitlement brings to you, but has she ever shown resentment or anger about it... Does she call him a wanker under her breath or make jokes about tampering with his food so he'd end up in the bathroom all night so we don't have to listen to him... Does your husband ever explain to you how much he dislikes this attitude, (he doesn't do it too does he?) because if it's totally going to rock the boat, it may not be worth it to you to disrupt the family dynamic, as beyond irritating as it may be.

I'm sure there's a whole bunch of great ideas out there, but again, you could not see him at the head of the table, not give him carving duty, give the carving duty to your husband, for God's sake it's his house! The whole moment where the entire table pauses to see if it the food meets with father-in-law's approval? How about just start talking, or deliberately ask other people, don't ask his opinion, pretend that you can't even hear him. Treat him like you would a toddler who's pouting. Have your husband carved the turkey at the head of the table, and give your mother-in-law the very first slice and ask her how it is. Boy that would really get his goat.

Assign tasks to everyone, not difficult tasks, but just say, oh when you come, I've got a chore jar for everybody can help. Either have them draw out of a hat or assign them yourself. And say they don't have to be difficult jobs, just something that looks like serving/domestic housework, something that father-in-law would be morally opposed to contributing to. Have him clean the dishes after a course if you can afford that he might break dishes.

Have some sort of a guessing game, something to do with the presents and it makes it extremely obvious that he has no idea what has been purchased on his behalf. Maybe a list of 10 presents on one side and 10 recipients on another side and you have to draw a line from one to the next. Because, if he really was any part of the gift giving process then he should know that you're giving Mary a coffee mug full of her favorite biscuits and specialty instant coffee flavors. If he doesn't have a clue, well, just shows up his ignorance doesn't it? Get ideas from a baby shower, they're often full of those type of annoying games. When everyone's opening gifts, and he starts making his comments, find a way to drown him out. Music? Some kind of annoying sound effect on a phone app? And Air horn? Every time that he opens his mouth to grumble about something or make a comment that is a bit rude, have your phone preset and ready to go and blast" silent night "or something

Just little ways to take the power away from father-in-law... Bonus points if you can spread the power around to mother-in-law or to everyone else equally.
Like, if you haven't already decided on what you're going to serve, send a message out that says this year everyone gets to pick one favorite dish out of a list of options, father-in-law what's your favorite side dish out of these three, mother-in-law what's your favorite main dish out of these three, husband what's your favorite appetizer out of these three etc, it's fair because everyone gets to pick their own favorite and he doesn't get to make all the decisions..
I don't know, I'm just spitballing here. I'm sure other people had better and more funnier things to say.

Probably you'll do nothing because it would upset the apple card of the family and you probably don't want to do that and that might be wise, no matter how good it would make you feel to stand up for yourself you probably don't want to hurt your mother-in-law and your husband. But if they're both on board for it, well? Whatever happens, I hope that your ability to vent here as well as all these people's great supportive comments help to feel a little bit better. I'm sorry for your situation. It's not the worst thing in the world, but it's very relatable and unfortunate

'It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation'

This behaviour is not representative of his generation. Who tf does he think he is? The Godfather?

And why does your hubby tolerate this nonsense? In his home? If it's to make your MIL's life easier then I kind of get. But still. I certainly wouldn't be able to keep my big mouth shut. 🤐

Seating plan. Any young children can draw pictures or write names to make it extra cute.

We always have ladies served first and in order of age, then gents ditto. Hosts last. (THis is actually a negative as the ladies end with colder food but anyway.) Vegetable on the table to be passed around. FILs always do wine, an easy but time consuming task, so it’s helpful.

It's not going to die out if everyone continues to indulge it year after year and it's not setting a great example for the younger generation. It's your house, just treat him as you would any other guest. If he doesn't like it, he's welcome to spend Christmas elsewhere.

My brother in law is like this. It’s frustrating to watch him dictate to MIL how he likes things cooked and done. He never says thank you and just takes advantage of everyone else’s generosity and time. It’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older, can’t imagine what he’ll be like in a few years.

Why is everyone feeding into this nonsense?! It's not his house. Tell him to move if he tries to maneuver into head of the table. Challenge his rudeness. I would suggest he cooks and hosts next year if he thinks he can do better

My MIL is like this. Intrusive, entitled, never contributes. Just takes takes takes.

It is NOT a generational thing, that’s just a feeble excuse that facilitates the continuation. My father would be 120 if alive, he wouldn’t have dreamt of behaving like this!!

Also why aren’t more women honest and proud of the fact that THEY are the head of their family? Or Equal Head. Make it be acknowledged so children see and value that we generally put in the vast majority of family-related thought and work.

This isn’t actually a FIL problem OP, it’s a DH problem as it is he who should be dealing with all disrespect and any nonsense from his side. He needs to play a more active role on the 25th, not just 26th on. Your children are seeing all of this as normal which is just depressing.

@GiddyDog your FIL sounds lovely, I smiled just at your description.

I couldn’t tolerate this I’m afraid

Why ladies first and hosts last? We have everything on the table and you help yourself regardless of gender or age. No one is more important than another. You sit where you want.

I would set the scene before the day, Send a message preferably in a family group chat and let everyone know where they are sitting at the table. Then say that your you or Dh will be carving the turkey and serving it for everyone at the same time.

It gives everyone time to recover from the shock.

Stop enabling this

This. ^

This. ^