Thing people do at Christmas that seem helpful to the Christmas Host but actually really aren’t?

[Talkingtomyhouseplants]

I’ll start

• Bringing something to contribute to the day without checking with the host what is wanted/needed first. Results in additional unnecessary work for the host who has had to cover that item because they didn’t know it was going to be brought and food that doesn’t necessarily match the rest of the menu but people feel obliged to eat anyway
• On a similar note, people asking what they should bring about 3 days before the big day - this is a BIL special - no thanks my big shop has already arrived and we’re all sorted now.
• People who clear up in the kitchen but put things away in the wrong places rather than just leaving them dry, neatly, on the side.

What else?

My in laws used to bring nothing in all the Christmasses we hosted, not even a bottle of wine (although they did buy the kids piles of tat). One year they announced they would bring a dessert for one of the meals (I'd already done the shopping/prep) & they arrived from 3 hours away with 3 desserts (frozen 3 for £10 creamy things) which were half defrosted & couldn't go back in the freezer.

Nothing enrages me quite like people 'helping' to clean up after an event I host. Please, for the love of all that is holy, get out of my house and leave me in peace!

I know where everything goes. I know how I want things done. I am overstimulated and exhausted and I just want to tidy up in the peace and quiet and go to bed!

"This half a loaf of bread would have gone stale if we'd left it, and we had a bit of milk left so we brought that because we know you don't take milk in your coffee, is there somewhere I can put them? What if I just take this out of the fridge and pop it on the side? That spoon you're using hasn't touched the meat has it? I feel bad leaving you in the kitchen peacefully and happily preparing lunch: can I do anything? Shall I just keep you company? How is work, anyway?"

That's the only exception - your family role might be 'host' or 'vegetable peeler' or 'table-setter' - I expect you to get on with it, make good choices, and not involve me ('meal-cooker'). If you are host, then actually, occasionally popping in to make sure I, too, have something nice to drink would be appropriate.

Oh god, yes, this. If you've offered to help and I've allocated you a task, I don't want to be micromanaging. Just get on with it. I really dont' care if you roll the napkins up, place them under the cutlery, or do some fancy swan in a wine glass glares at DH.

Also, after 20 years together, you'd think he knows what I care about and what I don't. I DO care that napkins are on the table. I don't care HOW they are on the table.

I love flowers and would never have a colour themed Christmas, so wouldn't turn my nose up at them, but I do avoid taking flowers as a gift because they are a faff. No-one wants to stop cooking to go hunting for vases and chopping the ends off stalks and all that palaver, and it always feels rude to just dump the flowers in the utility room sink to be dealt with later. Booze, chocolates, Turkish delight (proper, in beautiful box) or a potted plant are much easier for hosts to deal with.

You are right: I am not shocked.

But no doubt the bubbles were deemed "not special enough" (though adequately quaffable) to not share.

Bringing me a lovely gift of a large bunch of flowers, ok perhaps they are not trying to be helpful...but the constantly asking me where i want them put ..

Deciding to seat family members before i'm ready so kids are sitting around bored , and directing people to places that were not meant for them- it's a tight fit i want the ones who are sitting on arses doing nothing at the top away from the door and my kids are to sit near me as i can direct them to get plates, etc, instead i have someone decides that my daughter must sit beside her grandad in the far corner ( to say nothing of the times when they were little and kids had plastic fun tumblers, and small cutlery and adults wine glasses and we then all had to swap etc), ive tried name places, ive tried saying no not ready yet..

Any my real pet hatred is the guests that arrive very shortly before planned eating time and decide they would just like a bloody cup of tea , and then go around asking everyone if they want tea or coffee , while helpfully passing on the info to me that i might as well make a pot, and removing cups milk jug etc prefilled for after dinner .

Dumping stuff in the sink when they're helping to clean up. I then have to take everything out again and either put it in dishwasher or fill the basin and then wash it. It looks like help but it's just another job to do.

My late MIL asked what she could do and I said Get everyone out of the kitchen, she did this but didn't like the fact that it included her! I had a notice on the door Staff Only!

Actually, this isn't a "trying to behelpful but not" one, but IS one that drives me mad....

Turning up late. Even worse, turning up so late that as they arrive, I have to serve the food.

I put a LOT of time and effort into ensuring that I prepare a meal that doesn't require me to be constantly in the kitchen and that if I am in the kitchen, someone can sit or prop themselves and have a natter and a glass of wine if required. If they arrive as food is being served I feel like I'm a bloody restaurant. I don't get a chance to enjoy a bit of a pre-dinner drink and chat or whatever. Make me so so mad.

The absolute WORST was theyear I was supposedly going to "help" SIL cook when she was hosting. I landed up in the kitchen cooking the entire meal, alone. While she ran around sorting other shit and everyone else sat around drinking and playing with presents. I'm still bitter about that one.

Yes that’s probably more why I don’t like flowers on Christmas morning. To be fair I always start out with a colour scheme in mind but it never really works out because the grandchildren like to help with the decorations so it all goes to pot a bit anyway.

I just googled this out of curiosity and my god it involves 50 egg yolks

Obsession with washing up. I’ve got a dishwasher. Just put it in dishwasher or leave on side. The handwashing usually means it isn’t properly clean so needs to go in dishwasher. Or left on side where there’s no room and get knocked and broken (one of my nice wine glasses)

Yes yes to people bringing random food items you haven't asked for and don't need. A distant family member once brought us a grouse!!

I also have a joyless MIL who can't seem to help commenting on how many toys my DC already have and they don't need any more. Just shut up and let them enjoy Christmas morning FFS!

And a really sad moment for me was when I once walked out of the kitchen after slaving away at the cooking and found everyone seated at the table such that I was sitting at one end, surrounded by my three very young DC, with all the adults at the other end of the table. I'm sure they meant well and thought I would like that arrangement, but it meant I spent the whole dinner helping DC cut things up etc while they had a nice peaceful adult conversation together.

It does, and I think that angel hair stuff is tricky to make as well.

I can imagine how awful some might look, but I also think keeping traditions alive and introducing others to them is a nice thing to do.

Did you see my link to the oil painting of one - when people had skills we no longer seem to have! It looks rather impressive!

My adult son,love him,can't cook,but on Xmas eve is a bit tipsy and happy , so he insists on 'helping'. Not peeling potatoes or anything genuinely helpful. No, he wants to make the star dessert and gets v upset if I say he can't cook. He thinks he's Gordon Ramsey. Every year he cocks it up. Over whips cream so it separates (" no idea how that happened"), forgets vital ingredients etc. It's so bloody annoying as I've planned and shopped for months only to have a disaster. I now have another dessert in the background ready to go.

People who insist on washing up as soon as dinner is finished....whereas I like to sit down and relax for five minutes before I start anything else!!!
People who stand in the kitchen and chat while I'm trying to cook the dinner....i politely ask them to shift!!

My mum constantly stands in the kitchen. If i need to get something i can guarantee that she will be in the way. She also subjects me to endless monologues and she complains that i don't watch football on boxing day.

also have a joyless MIL who can't seem to help commenting on how many toys my DC already have and they don't need any more. Just shut up and let them enjoy Christmas morning FFS!

I have one of these, too. Good grief why does anybody need so many board games.

Get her to peel veg she might disappear?

Similarly I can't stand it when DH hovers around interfering with my system of cooking. He's actually an excellent cook but I like to be bloody well left alone thank you very much!
I'm the same with laundry. He pays it out or puts it to dry on clothes horse all wrong. Drives me crazy 🤪

@YellowCherry This happened to me once. DN is a NIGHTMARE at the table. I still dont' know if he landed up stting next to me because he wouldn't come to the table and eevryone else filled the spaces in from the hardest to reach while trying to get him to sit down, or if it was because BIL, other nephew etc didn't want to deeal with him... but I slaved for hours over a hot stove only to have my meal ruined as I sat down the far end with nephew and SIL as he shouted and screamed and she (in her defense) attempted to moderate his behaviour. I THINK it was just that he wouldn't come so they filled up the seats.

I have to admit, I have completely changed my approach to Christmas as a result of the way in laws behave and how upset it makes me. None of it is because they are bad people, but they ARE thoughtless and a bit selfish and it really used to bug me. Now I work around it and do so in a way that works for me and it's actually fine.

When DS was small we used to invite both sets of parents for Christmas Day. Mine would wind DS up, feed him loads of chocolate and make him so hyper that he’d start crying.

Ex-MIL would stand in the kitchen getting in the way despite it being a kitchen diner so there were sofas and chairs to sit on out of the way. She’d turn the radio off and talk at me for ages. After dinner she’d sit herself on the sofa until gone midnight when both me and ex-DH were on our knees with exhaustion having been up with a very excited DS most of Christmas Eve night.

Nowadays I only have DS for Christmas and he’s pretty good apart from insisting on doing the dishes with hardly any washing up liquid and no rinsing of anything before plonking it in the sink. Glasses get washed after saucepans and other abominations. I secretly wash up again once he’s gone home.

Agreed. My BIL does this, but he’s not even chatty. He just stands in the way like a barricading wet lettuce.

So long as no-one vomits at the dining table during Christmas dinner, I'm happy with anything.

Yes, that actually happened.