Thing people do at Christmas that seem helpful to the Christmas Host but actually really aren’t?

[Talkingtomyhouseplants]

I’ll start

• Bringing something to contribute to the day without checking with the host what is wanted/needed first. Results in additional unnecessary work for the host who has had to cover that item because they didn’t know it was going to be brought and food that doesn’t necessarily match the rest of the menu but people feel obliged to eat anyway
• On a similar note, people asking what they should bring about 3 days before the big day - this is a BIL special - no thanks my big shop has already arrived and we’re all sorted now.
• People who clear up in the kitchen but put things away in the wrong places rather than just leaving them dry, neatly, on the side.

What else?

I looked up Lampreia and it is the most unappetising dish ever! No matter how good it tastes (and it doesn't sound that good, just a lot of egg and sugar) I couldn't eat it.

If you have heard of Lampreys and thought it must mean something else in Portuguese, no it really is named after an eel.

But apple crumble doesn't have a model EEL on top!

’Helping’ by just hovering around what I’m trying to actually get done.

Arriving with treats (lovely!) then jettisoning it all all over every available surface.

Double checking with me about whether everything I’m doing is actually right or not, just to check whether it should actually be there/be on/be off/not be some other way!

My guests would swear they were no bother and didn’t let me lift a finger due to all this helping and contributing, mind. NO THANK YOU PLEASE TAKE A GLASS OF WINE AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN 😬

Mine is like yours. Eg, not saying you are bringing anything (and in fact not needing to bring anything as the host has everything sorted) but turning up with a hundredweight of cheese and crackers that are never going to be eaten 😀

To be fair I have now got round this by asking the person to bring cheese and crackers this year, although it feels cheeky when I want to provide everything.

It's true many of them are no oil painting! But if you look up Lucas de Almeida Marrão lampreia da ovos you can see what this dessert ideally looks like!

To be fair bread and butter pudding would look a mess if you hadn't grown up with it - as does crumble.

I like it when people come into the kitchen to chat! I don’t need them to help, just keep my champagne glass topped up!!

The people who live in my house all have different ideas about where things go, so I can't get upset about things being put in the wrong place - I'm used to looking for things and generally just grateful people are helping as I am more than happy to cook but don't want to clean up too. I get much more annoyed by people (MIL) who don't lift a finger as it is too difficult and they don't know where anything goes, or (SIL) who unloads the dishwasher all onto the side but makes no attempt to work out where anything goes (seriously, forks go in the drawer with the other forks. Where else might they go?)
My dad is a spoonyfucker and follows me round poking things and peering over my shoulder. It was better when his eyesight was better/the kids were younger and he could be set to putting batteries in things

It's a tradition from when lamprey were a delicacy.

I'm not saying it's what I'd order at a restaurant, only that it isn't intended as an insult. It no doubt takes quite a bit of work even to get it looking a mess!

The "take a wine and get out of my kitchen" bit made me laugh - I once hosted for 24 (not in my own house thank goodness), and I set up one of those mason jar dispenser things with a tap on - filled it with wine and fake ice cubes, put it on a counter. Every so often I sent my nephew over with a sieve to scoop out the ice cubes and replace them. Much easier than everyone being in and out of the fridge!

Arrgghhhh - THIS! Why?!

And then act like I’m so mean for getting snappy - FFS, I’m cooking for almost 20 people (that you wanted to invite). I’m pretty calm and organised considering, but you’re stood in the way yapping and it’s taking every ounce of my being to not tell you to fuck off out the kitchen and spend time with the rellies you were so desperate to see.

I’M NOT THE PROBLEM (on this occasion).

Did you put the ice IN the wine?

You should have presented her with a bag of potatoes and a peeler, a raw turkey, some unpeeled sprouts a packet of bacon and packet of sausages, etc. And maybe a copy of Delia.

Honestly, some people are unbelievable.

Friend and children visiting from abroad for Christmas. I ask in advance if she’d like me do stockings for her kids. She says no - she’ll do them. Christmas morning her kids have no stockings and mine do. She tells them that Santa has been to their home (they aren’t going back there for weeks). I feel terrible for them - although her kids make no fuss.

People (mainly dh) “tidying up” for me.
…. No, shiny foil paper can’t go in the recycling.

….Yes, I did want to keep the Christmas cracker cardboard as I up cycle it as Gift tags next year.

…And for heaven’s sake - did you pour that saucepan containing the giblet stock down the sink? Please tell me you didn’t do that again!

Apart from the kids all deciding they need to use the toilet when I’m about to dish up, guests annoy me when they bring a big bunch of flowers in random colours when I try and have a themed colour scheme and no space to put them!!
Ungrateful I know but who really wants a bunch of orange Lily’s or yellow roses on Christmas morning?

Ah, I love a therapeutic rant about Christmas!

My offerings:

Tell me not to work so hard while not in any way offering to help.
Make up joyless rules for the dc while I'm out of the room cooking e.g. they can't open and play with a new toy because it has too many small pieces, so I'm both having to cook and pop back in to check my dc aren't being harassed.
Take any deviation from our childhood Christmas as a criticism of the way they did things.
Ring me on Christmas Eve to "helpfully" let me know the specific drink they want for Christmas day and then act hurt when I can't produce a bottle of alcohol-free gin from no where.
Spend the entire day talking about what an incredible dad dp is. He is, but since I do 98% of the Christmas labour I feel it isn't the topic because he's helping build a lego set and carve the meat while I do every other bleeding thing!

We just have a small alley style kitchen at the moment, and MIL loves to stand in there with me and chat. There really couldnt be any less space, it is also dangerous when walking about with hot trays and hot oil for the potatoes!

Bloody clear off!

The one that absolutely grinds my gears the most is the performative eating and constant chatter around it. I dont actually serve up massive portions, larger than normal portions but far from massive. And all of the oh i couldn't possibly eat all of that, and after two mouthfuls i am so full. When they have been troughing shite all morning and i have been slaving away and am starving! And then they either eat it all or eat barely anything and are asking what is next, what is for pudding.

My SIL has an autoimmune condition so can't help with the work and declines to host.I get that. But every single Christmas she places her chair right in a walkway so no one can get passed to the table to sit, or get platters through. Drives me bloody mental and I have at times asked her to move and she will agree to but then somehow get distracted or whatever and remain right in the blood way.

Did I mention this drives me mental.

You missed the word "fake".

Ugh I hate it when people start tidying up. I even had a friend run the dishwasher half full - a pet peeve. I’m happy to let the dishes sit in the sink while I enjoy the evening - until the next morning if need be! Having someone bustling about makes me feel guilty and so I start cleaning too while everyone else is sitting having a good time.
As for your BIL - tell him up front that you’d love if he could bring X bottles of wine…it can be kept if not drink on the night!
Only add would be people who drop out last minute, or when you ask them in the first place say ‘I’ll let you know’. No. Check your diary and say yes or no - don’t leave me hanging wondering. I need to make alternate plans! And if it’s a yes, unless you break your leg or some one dies you are coming. And certainly don’t make up a flimsy excuse then post photos the next day of you dancing at the yacht club…

My dparents always do this! Say that their presents are from Santa. It's a bit insulting like they are insinuating that we haven't given them enough from Santa. It also confuses the kids. They wonder why Santa goes to two different houses. I always make a point of saying "wow look what your dgrandma & dgranpapa got you" in front of them but they still do it!!

Constantly being asked if I want a top up of alcoholic drinks. With DC there i wouldn’t have anymore than 2. One with my Christmas dinner and one when they have gone to bed. This person has a drink problem and takes offence to me refusing. They also want control the whole day. My response is someone has to stay sober to look after the DC. I’m no contact with this person now I blank them if we bump into them. They know not to bother trying to speak to me too much agro.

Oh thank goodness! So I did. I was trying to visualise the set up and my face was like this 😳

Both DM and DMIL - before you’ve even swallowed your last mouthful ‘I’ll help you with the washing up’ (the men never seem to be included in this ritual) and I’m rushed into the kitchen. DM in particular is the messiest kitchen person and slops water EVERYWHERE. Then rather than just leaving the dry stuff on the side as I say (numerous times) they start pulling the kitchen apart to find where I (wrongly obvs) keep things.

I’m a fairly neat cook but obviously there’s only so much you can do. I just want to sit down and watch Charlie do his speech and chill out a bit but nooooo we’ll just ‘get it done’.

Oh me! I have no noteable colour scheme and would LOVE fresh flowers to have around the place at Christmas!

All my adult kids pile into the kitchen at once and try to help me cook Christmas dinner. Every one of them has their own home, their own ideas, and considers themselves a good cook and let me tell you, too many cooks DEFINITELY spoil the consomme. They also muck up the pudding.