Thing people do at Christmas that seem helpful to the Christmas Host but actually really aren’t?

[Talkingtomyhouseplants]

I’ll start

• Bringing something to contribute to the day without checking with the host what is wanted/needed first. Results in additional unnecessary work for the host who has had to cover that item because they didn’t know it was going to be brought and food that doesn’t necessarily match the rest of the menu but people feel obliged to eat anyway
• On a similar note, people asking what they should bring about 3 days before the big day - this is a BIL special - no thanks my big shop has already arrived and we’re all sorted now.
• People who clear up in the kitchen but put things away in the wrong places rather than just leaving them dry, neatly, on the side.

What else?

If it doesn't square with what the parents have said about Santa it could cause confusion and eventually complete disillusionment. I got a lot of harsh questioning from my child after he received a bizarre Santa gift from a Christmas guest days later.

I was miffed even though I didn't even want to start on the whole Santa thing in the first place. It would be a rubbish way to ruin the magic.

Yes, good point, it also undermines the parent's plan for the magic of Father Christmas. Which is entirely the parent's prerogative.

Re the magic of Father Christmas.

About 10 years ago (for reference my Dcs are now in their early-mid teens) one of their cousins aged about 8 looked on disapprovingly with arms folded over his chest as presents were unwrapped and announced loudly 'My Grandma says that Santa isn't real and it's wrong to lie to children'.

Cue - utter carnage.

(That was probably never meant to be helpful to anyone never mind the host, but it was - quite the scene).

The reason the whole "only one gift from Santa" was important was there was a village tradition where Santa came round on his "sleigh" on December, met with the children, they got a goody bag... but most importantly he was collecting toys for a charity Toy Drive. So the children were told that Santa got everyone a gift... but these were extras for children whose family couldn't get them much.

As a child I always had to write a thank you note for each gift. It baffled me why I was writing to Aunt Agatha when the gift was from Father Christmas.

In my late teens my (weird, stressed) mother asked if I had written or phoned my thanks to Aunt Agatha. I refused as she had not thanked me.

NO THANK YOU PLEASE TAKE A GLASS OF WINE AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN

Chilli bin and beer bucket with a bit of ice outside the back door or anywhere no one has to walk through your kitchen and wine coolers placed around other areas so no one needs to come in the kitchen at all.

I learnt this from my DF if his beer was in the kitchen my mother would police what he drunk so he’d find ways to store it in other areas so she wasn’t counting every one 😂 This also helps with cleaning up as we put the recycling bin next to the back door so it’s empty bottles in one bin and fresh bottles and out of another.

Oh this boils my piss. We have friends over around every Xmas/new year and everyone brings wine then drinks all my nice fizz and beer. We’re left with 10 bottles of red wine that no one drinks in this house 😩

🤣🤣🤣🤣christ how could anyone be so thick🤣🤣🤣

... or were they!

I'd just ask them to bring fizz or beer if they are good friends. I don't think that's rude.

My father in law does this all the time. Drives me crackers.

Yes I can see that.

But so long as they are generally affirming his existence, I personally don't feel as though most believers are going to get too picky about him dropping one down another chimney.

Father Christmas didn't take gifts to my grandparents, but we always had an Easter Hunt at home then another at my GP's after Easter lunch there. They just said he knew we were coming and none of us really were about to argue with that. There is an awful lot of wanting to believe it and turning a semi blind eye for a lot of children I think.

But if grandparents walked in and said there WAS no Father Christmas, I would then start grasping the annoyance. But so long as they are going along with it, I'd not get too stressed myself - mostly because I tend not to like the idea of being too specific about what is to be "expected" at Christmas. I guess maybe some children press for that sort of parameter, but I have always discouraged it.

I have had to be very careful about gift wrap and writing of names with one of our dc, who analyses that.

Well bully for you that your children didn't mind the story not adding up but mine did and we only narrowly avoided them suddenly and very publicly twigging to it. Ironically the person who'd have been most upset if that had happened was the person giving the additional Santa gift (closely followed by the other, younger children in the room and their parents).

This thread is about kind things people do to mean well but inadvertently causes a lot of hassle. We all do things like this and it really can't be helped. It was very kind of her to give a gift and I was very grateful. But you can't just insist it is all fine and a non issue when several people have said it was a problem for them.

It's not insisting: it's a different perspective.

OMG this is one of my biggest bugbears! Many times I see DH run some water in to the washing up bowl and put in the dirty cooking and prepping stuff as he finishes with it, only for me to quietly remove it and stack it neatly at the side of the sink.

You are right. It is just a flaming hindrance to have a sink full of dirty pots. Why do people do this?

Oh God I have been getting similar to this from PILs my whole married life. My DM used to do it a bit too though not quite as bad. It is as if they think that expressing a preference will make them seem demanding so, in order to be an easy guest, they must let you decide.

The number of conversations I have had that go like this:

Me: Would you like a cup of tea or coffee FIL?

FIL: Yes please.

Me: Which would you like?

FIL: Whatever you are making

Me: Well I am doing both because I want tea and DH wants coffee, so which would you like?

FIL: Whatever is easiest

Me: They are both as easy as each other!

FIL: I don't mind, you decide.

Aaaaah!!! And I am not exaggerating

Oh my MIL had a variation on this.

If we were having the sort of meal where everything was laid out on the table for people to help themselves too, not a buffet necessarily but, say, tapas, or afternoon tea or just a selection of savouries and salads, she would have to be offered every damn thing individually.

So when we sat down I would say to everyone "We have W, X, Y and Z and there is bread and salads, please help yourself."

Everyone would serve themselves except MIL who would sit there with an empty plate. So I would be going "Would you like some W, MIL" "Oh yes please"
"And some X?" " Yes please" and so on.

Finally I would serve myself and say again to everyone to please help themselves if they want more. But at some point in the meal I would realise MIL was sitting there again with an empty plate and I would have to go through the whole serving thing again.

I always thought she was trying to give the impression she was so gently brought up that she couldn't possibly help herself to things.

You’re putting things in the wrong place has irrationally bugged me (sorry, bad nights sleep and 11 hour day today!!!). That means you think people should either ask ‘will I put this here?’ for everything, or just not help!! People are just trying to help out! Same with the bringing stuff, people are trying to help and they bring something they think you’ll like

Why would you pander and not just leave her to it?

The options aren’t “don’t help” or “put things in the wrong cupboard”. You dry things up/empty the dishwasher and then if you don’t know where they go because it isn’t obvious, you stack them clean and dry on the side out of the way.

Oh wow that's annoying! In that scenario I'd give one tea and one coffee and tell them to swap with each other if they change their minds!

Also the title of the thread acknowledges people are trying to help. I actually do think that people should ask where to put things if they are putting away, it’s not hard. Our lovely cleaner once put a bowl away, I hunted for it and eventually assumed she’d broken it, it wasn’t a big deal and she means more than a bowl so I bought a new one. Two years later I found it in a really random place. I wish she’d just left it on the side.
Back to the thread, when people say they don’t want anything when you ask, you double check and then two minutes later when you’ve sat down ask you for something - grrrr

I've just remembered one year when my kids were much younger. I was in mid flow in the kitchen. Just about to serve everything up,when out of the corner of my eye I see my dad walk across the kitchen and out the back door. Didn't think much about it until I see him put a ladder against the back wall and start to clean all the windows. Apparently they were filthy (very sunny day) and now was the most helpful time to clean them.

What's wrong with asking if it's not obvious? Surely everyone knows people don't like things in their kitchen to be put in completely the wrong place.

Some people take this to extremes though.

This is going to sound like me banging on about MIL again although truthfully I really did like her, it's just one or two traits that irritated me a bit.

She never put anything away after washing up. Fair enough if it was the sort of meal where we had used the best china and so on, I would rather put that away myself. But this extended to really everyday things where she can't have not known where they go.

Sometimes if they stayed with us for a weekend they would not go back until Monday morning, so we would dash off to work and taking DD to nursery and leave them to set off after the rush hour had died down. I would get home to find they had washed and dried the breakfast pots (lovely) but absolutely everything was laid out on the kitchen work surface to be put away.

I mean, cutlery. Who doesn't put their cutlery in the top drawer in the kitchen? I even have one of those cutlery trays with separate sections for knives, forks and spoons.

And as for the rest of the pots, they only had to open the kitchen cupboard, which they had seen me get crockery from on many, many occasions and there it all is. Big plates in one pile, small plates in another, cereal bowls over here, mugs on that shelf, juice glasses the other end. Really, really obvious. But no, best leave it all out in case we put something in the wrong place.

I did wonder if it was some kind of exaggerated demonstration that they did not pry in to our cupboards when we weren't there.