Thing people do at Christmas that seem helpful to the Christmas Host but actually really aren’t?

[Talkingtomyhouseplants]

I’ll start

• Bringing something to contribute to the day without checking with the host what is wanted/needed first. Results in additional unnecessary work for the host who has had to cover that item because they didn’t know it was going to be brought and food that doesn’t necessarily match the rest of the menu but people feel obliged to eat anyway
• On a similar note, people asking what they should bring about 3 days before the big day - this is a BIL special - no thanks my big shop has already arrived and we’re all sorted now.
• People who clear up in the kitchen but put things away in the wrong places rather than just leaving them dry, neatly, on the side.

What else?

@NewCushions yes this is my brother - he has been known to be on seconds before everyone else has been served first.

Flowers. Visitors please don’t bring me flowers. I’ll have to move the Christmas tree to get into the cupboard with the vases and i don’t have the counter space to set up a mini florist bench to unwrap and arrange them. My scissors disappeared a while ago when DH realised it was Christmas morning and he had better start wrapping his gifts and my pruners are in a big IKEA blue bag with the left over holly stuffed somewhere in the garage behind all the junk from my last minute slide n’hide declutter. And flowers bought just before the big day are usually past their best anyway so they won’t look wonderful. And if I did manage all that I don’t have a spare place to put them because the kitchen island is set up like a canteen, the dining room table has the flippin holly and candle instagram inspired arrangement that I hastily knocked out last night and the reason why my hands look like I had to give the cat a pill and eye drops and the console table in the hallway is now a handbag and charging phones station. Just bring me wine.

Waving to @honeylulu because my ADHD is the same, I need everything to be in its place, because two minutes inattention and it looks as though something has detonated.

And re flowers - I LOVE being given flowers and just keep a bucket of water outside the back door. Any bouquets can go in there, stay cool, and wait to be sorted/envased/arranged when the chaos has died down.

The cauliflower cheese one is brilliant.

Mine is people telling me not to stress, sit down and most of all, to just relax. When I'm halfway through cooking Christmas dinner or hosting a Boxing Day buffet for 30. How does that work then?

When I say people, it's men. My BIL (otherwise lovely) and my friend's DH (bit of a twat). Funny thing is when I start giving them jobs you don't see them for dust...

‘We’re making lunch now, would anyone like a sandwich?’
’Lunch? Oh no thanks, couldn’t possibly put upon you.’
’OK, are you sure? I’m making something anyway. Are we sure nobody wants anything?’
’No, no, none for me. DH? Nana? Do you want a sandwich? No they don’t want one.’
’Great, fine I’m going to make sandwiches now.’
’Ooh that does look nice actually, what’s on it?’
’Ham salad, do you want one?’
’Oh go then, if it’s no trouble.’
’No it’s FINE but does ANYBODY ELSE want anything from the kitchen? Are you certain?’
’OH DH, this sandwich IS lovely, you should have one you know. Actually, he will have one!’

ad infinitum re: any question about anything that anybody might ask because everyone thinks it’s more helpful for me to cater and boil kettles in four minute intervals 😂

I wonder if some people simply don’t like the host and behave accordingly.

I do like my brother who is hosting and therefore I give him cash. I pay half the cost, he pays half the cost. This way, we don’t need to charge my mum or another sibling who is very badly skint.

This reminds me of my MIL and her belief that you should always refuse the first time you're offered something because it's apparently rude to accept straight away. Apparently you have to wait for your host to press the offer upon you before it's polite to accept. 🙄Not exactly the same thing as your example, but unfortunately IME it can lead to the same outcome.

Yes, it’s definitely rooted in ‘oh no, I’m no bother, don’t go to any trouble!’, ignoring that it is in fact trouble for me to not just do whatever it is in one fell swoop!

I rarely give them a choice these days and just fling a sandwich and a cuppa at them now, for my own sake…

Ok, this is what you do… take your first mouthful (in front of him if poss) spit out in dramatic fashion and declare in your loudest voice (but not shouting) ‘Christ Almighty! (for ‘tis his birthday) is this cat piss or rat piss? Adopt quizzical expression. Do not lose eye contact.

This thread has reminded me dme of so many issues with in laws that I'm re thinking my current christmas plan with them! We aren't seeing them on Christmas itself this year so I do have some flexibility I need to think about..... BIL in particular winds me up a LOT although he might not be here either so there's that.

'What would you like to eat/drink?'
'Whatever's easiest'

FFS tell me what you would like and I will make it for you. If I go with whatever's easiest it will mean me going back to bed and leaving you all to it!

I go to a language class that is held in someone;s home. About 11 of us or so do it. At the end the hostess always boils a kettle. Some have builders tea, some coffee, some have herbal teas etc, one has a habit of letting it 'cool' then complaining its too cold and can she have a fresh one made etc etc etc. I always just take water with me and have that because the hostess is running around like a blue arsed fly and i find it embarrassing that people just sit on their butts and treat her like a skivvy.

Problem is that one time I got challenged loudly and at length about 'why' I don't have a cup of coffee or tea. Don't i like hot drinks? Do I only drink water during the day? Isn't it a bit strange to not like hot drinks? it went on and on. I wish I had just said honestly 'Look- you all faff around so much with this or that and it's not fair on Sharon'.

MIL is ailing so cannot cook a roast dinner anymore but complains when we just ask her to bring a bottle of wine. Last year I suggested she make the braised red cabbage, thinking she can do this well in advance at her leisure, it freezes well and I’d just need to warm it up on the day.

She only started cooking it Xmas day morning, it wasn’t ready on time and through the timings out for the rest of the meal. NOT HELPFUL.

The idea about the Christmas TV programme on how to be a good guest is inspired!!

I love this thread. I have hosted so many Christmases/ boxing days/ extra Christmas weekends because all the family are divorced and some ring so true.

• the sandwich/ tea/ catering at 4 min intervals actually made me yelp out loud
• the brother (my kids laugh at these sort of dads - the artisan coffee/ vinyl collecting/ rare booze ones) who takes over making complicated cocktails - JUST DO A G&T
• the carrier bags everywhere

My lovely niece always offers to bring a Christmas cake and then invariably turns up with a Christmas pudding which I heat up and serve and no-one eats.

You have my sister in law . What can I do , so I say could you prepare that bag of carrots please for boiling.
which bag ? ( the carrots )
where is the knife / peeler ? ( this is your 28th time coming for Christmas to the same house )
shall i use all the carrots ? That’s so much what if we don’t eat then all? What saucepan? Shall I stand right in your way wittering and wash my hands in the kitchen sink ? And walk away with the job half done? What shape do you want the carrots ? Large or small batons ? Won’t they take too long to cook?

meanwhile I’ll have prepped all the other veg and cleaned up and be trying not to wrestle the knife off her to stab her slowly and she’ll have prepared three carrots for the 7 adults so as not to waste food.
we go out for lunch Christmas Eve and she thanks DH profusely for paying for it. ITS MY MONEY TOO SIL

We host a big family gathering every Christmas/Easter/major family event. It's all served 'family style' with people helping themselves from big bowls and platters on the table. As the cook I normally serve myself last.

My lovely MIL used to 'help' by taking any empty-ish plate within reach and stacking them up in front of her. That often meant she'd have a pile of empty plates in front of her when I had only just started to eat. And worse, no one had a chance to take seconds or thirds. What should have been a long, leisurely meal, picking at a particularly crispy roastie, a sliver of turkey or a final stuffing ball was over in 20 minutes.

I eventually got round it by briefing the DC and their cousins - their allotted Christmas task was to sit by their granny and hang on to their plates for grim life.

It worked a treat and MIL became a late in life convert to the joys of a long lunch.

My in-laws constantly clear away the buffet, drives me crackers. No, the cheeseboard can stay out for more than 17 minutes, thank you, yes, I would like more than one crisp…

Yes! My MIL!

My mum likes us to serve ourselves from the table, but will whip away dishes before people have even had a chance with them. She'll also try really hard to take the bowl away from my 2yo who is a sloooooow eater, because "if he was interested, he'd eat faster". No, he's in an exciting different house and he's making grandad entertain him! I don't want him up at 5 cause you stole half his dinner away.

I remembered another one but not directly on me as host (and yes, in laws). MIL is a feeder (bless her). SIL has all kinds of issues with food. this is not a great combination but because MIL doesn't have space to host, they jointly host things at SIL's house. The usual arrangement is that MIL will have purchased and provided all the nibbles, starters, sides, drinks etc. SIL will have made the main course. Which will be lasagna. Maybe a small salad on the side. In the summer, she MIGHT do a BBQ with burgers and sausages.

MIL loves deep fried/crumbed etc food. She also likes to over cater (which, considering the appetites of the men in this family seems reasonable to me - DS, DNs, BIL and DH are all bottomless pits and only BIL is in the slightest bit overweight so they really do need that quantity of food!).

SIL on the other hand, only makes lasagna because she hates cooking and entertaining and so this allows her to get one thing done but she's terrified of calories and fat. the result is that she is not generous with her lasagna in terms of portion size or even just the way it appears on the plate - quite dry with little sauce, stingy on meat etc. IMO this makes MIL's over catering even more reasonable!

The bickering between MIL and SIL CONSTANTLY as SIL complains about MIL putting out more food/heating up more food/ frying more food/ air frying more food and then trying to get people to eat the food. SIL goes on and on and on about no one having space for the stingy portions lasagna because they've had too much prawn toast/falafal/chinese ribs/olives etc.

Then BIL will have MIL fussing around making him plates. He'll be getting irritated. But then he'll consume 2/3 of whatever is on the table in 3 bites anyway.

I find it endlessly entertaining as it's got nothing to do with me and am just the bystander. DS thinks it's hilarious because I'll be telling him to slow down a bit (for politeness sake e- no one needs to see a 6ft teenager shoving entire spring rolls in his mouth in one bite! ) while MIL is practically force feeding him on the side and he's ALWAYS still looking for more lasagna afterwards.

@NewCushions is there anything worse than a disappointing lasagne? My MIL makes an amazing lasagne and I have emulated her recipe of the years. The dread I feel at going to someone’s house and them saying it is a lasagne to find it is a jar of dolmio sauce with low fat cheddar on the top is palpable

I would do a dance of joy if I was given a dolmio sauce with low fat cheddar on top vs what we actually get. And everyone always sings her praises because, you know, no one wants to be rude. Or they don't know better. I don't know. it's awful.

Poor MIL, sometimes after she's eaten here she will go on and on and on and on and on about whatever I've made. I find it a bit irritating sometimes but she's not really a cook herself (more of a heat stuff up kind of gal) and clearly her DD can't cook and BIL wouldn't cook for another person, so I think she's always just a bit shocked at good food that isn't from M&S.

MIL - thinking making herself a cup of tea is helpful whilst I'm in the middle of sorting the Christmas lunch. No MIL you're just in my way now and I'm tempted to drop this roasting hot, giant turkey on you while you dither around claiming to not know where the teabags are.

Mum - washing up things and then guessing where they might go in the cupboards. A variation on hunt the thimble. Better though than when she washes up and breaks a few things.

Both are banned from the kitchen now.

Yes! Not answering a question is so annoying in these situations and in general I have family members like this.