Don't want my brother's dog at Christmas

[Keepoffmyartichokes]

Every year we host Christmas for both families, it's always a lovely day but a bit chaotic. This year my brother who has to travel about 40 minutes but due to sharing custody of his children only stays about 3 hours wants to bring his cockapoo. We don't want the dog in our house, we don't have pets, we have nice flooring we don't want scratching, nice furniture that we don't want to dog jumping on. It's a spoiled dog and not very well trained. My DS who is 13 said he doesn't want it there as it's jumpy and he's not keen. My MIL has had a knee replacement this year and is a bit unsteady still and I think it will cause stress for her as a trip hazard. But how do I tell my brother kindly without coming across as a dog hater.

A good friend of mine works at a crematorium. He says it’s more unusual for there not to be dogs these days.

My dog can really only be left for 4hours. He sleeps for the first couple of hours, wanders for the last couple and then gets sad and cries after that. If I was intending on going to family for Xmas and couldn't take the dog and the travel + visit would be expected to be more than 4hours then I wouldn't go if I couldn't take the dog. I wouldn't be annoyed though, you are entitiled not to like my dog.

If the visit could be done in roughly 4hours or less I'd leave doggo at home and make sure to leave in time to get back.

At Xmas we visit my parents and doggo comes long and has a ball in a chaotic house but we grew up with dogs and the whole family loves our little idiot.

I have a dog and like most other dogs but there are definitely some dogs I know that I wouldn't want to host. Don't suggest leaving the dog in your garden/his car/another room/on its lead because you are perfectly within your rights to say "No dog but we hope you can still come".

I am sick of dickheads who have never had a dog whose anxiety cannot be changed to the extent where they can be left speaking as though the rest of us have never made any effort whatsoever.

Won't be able to attend without the dog. Dogs shouldn't be left for more than 4 hours and that's the confident, well adjusted ones. Most pet owners are responsible, and dont consider mistreating or distressing their dogs to be an option.

What does he do with the dog whilst he's at work? Surely he must leave it alone at some point.

My brother has two dogs, they leave them when they come to visit as my parents have a cat. They walk them before and make sure they don't stay too long and take them for a walk when they get back. They also have doggy cam so can see what they're doing (most of the time sleeping).

You can tell him, it's your house. But be prepared that he doesn't come, or only stays an hour.

I'm taking DD for a cheap holiday park weekend next week and he will be using the car as a kennel whilst we take dd swimming and other non dog friendly activities. He wouldn't tolerate being left in the accommodation (he'd think he'd been abandoned) but fine in the car.
Double advantage of going in the autumn, it's cheap and i don't need to book a dog sitter!

Just say no.

Is your concern about doing so based on history? Has he been irritated by you not allowing the dog in the house before? Is he umbilically linked to the dog and unwilling to go anywhere without it?

We said this to a relative once - do not bring the dog - and they brought it anyway! And when we said the dog could not come in the house they tried to guilt trip us because the dog would be unhappy in the car ......... we stuck to our guns and the visit was short.

A lot of people work from home these days which actually stops young dogs learning it's ok to be on their own sometimes. I feel like in the past dogs didn't seem to have so much separation anxiety because they learnt from a young age that it's normal for people to come and go in the house.

These days dog owners have to actively train puppies by leaving the house for short periods and then building up to longer periods to make them feel confident being on their own for up to about 4 hours.

You can say he can't bring the dog, but that needs to come with you understanding that he is then well within his rights to say he won't come.

Are you then ok without seeing him, your nieces and nephews and your parents not seeing their grandchildren on Christmas day.

I don't remember dogs being taken everywhere, growing up.

This cult of dog age we are living in is tedious. I was in a popular clothing retail shop on the weekend and I counted 3 dogs in there. I have stopped going to the coffee shops that are dog friendly too.

OP, just say you don't want the dog in your home. I simply don't see the issue in being up front. It is a dog, not his child.

The most poignant moment of the Queen's funeral for many people was seeing her pony patiently waiting with her groom.

Your rules but be prepared that your brother may not come. Not all dogs can be left for hours. Mine certainly can't, she's elderly and epileptic and the stress would make her very ill. I don't assume I can take her anywhere though.

Thanks for all the responses. I do just need to tell him and yes I hate any kind of confrontation. He WFH so doesn't often have to leave the dog and when he does go away or out for the day my parents have the dog.

That would be the brother’s decision.

And not seeing nieces/nephews/grandchildren on Christmas Day itself isn’t some hideous situation to be avoided at all costs. Surely most children don’t see both sets of grandparents every single Christmas? If we hosted both sides of the family every year, then my nephew wouldn’t ever see his other grandparents on Christmas Day because he’d always be with us. As it is, sometimes my children see my parents on Christmas Day, sometimes they see my in-laws, sometimes we’ll see my nephew on Christmas Day but only if it aligns with when he’s also seeing my parents on Christmas Day. Sometimes we’ll see DH’s brother, but sometimes he’s with his girlfriend. Not everyone can see every family member every single Christmas Day. And that’s ok.

My childhood dog used to bark the house down and shit every where, it got so bad that my parents had it euthanized, so I can see why people take dogs with them when they can. My dog is fine for a few hours but if we want to have a longer day out we take him, he isn't impacting anybody else, because we don't let him bother others,

I think the RSPCA stance of never leaving a dog for more than 4 hours doesn't help either.

My dog could just about do 4 hours by 6 months, but we've built uo further since then, and he is fine up to 10 hours (occasionally) as an older dog, absolutely no signs of distress and always tired after as he will have been only snoozing as he has the big responsibility of looking after the house (barking at the postman). When he is ignored all day when DH is wfh he is a pain in the arse in the evening as he will have been sleeping soundly all day.

Oh gosh..I completely understand where you are coming from. We have had pets the whole of our lives. I have a range of experiences to share..that may or may not be of help.

I have had family come to us who have hated the cats, mentioning cat hair, grumbling about allergies and even saying that they find cat hair everywhere for weeks when they've visited. I found it really embarrassing and being much younger I was too ashamed to bounce back a "hey, you dont HAVE to come visit! Next time lets meet at a cafe" type response.
One came to stay and of course I kept their bedroom door closed, I even borrowed next doors hoover who was pet free...and hoovered their room..but it eas inevitable that cat dander, fluff was in the air etx. For thr whole weekend every hour or so there would be a comment about itchy eyes,
A sore throat, "how can u cope with this" etx etc i felt terrible, but it wasnt my fault that they had cat allergy. Personally in their shoes, knowing this I woudlnt have asked to stay.

another older member of the family who lived in a show home... used to comment about fidnibg fur on her clothing etc..I had short haired cats, leather furniture and wooden chairs so im not sure what the masses of cat fur Was sticking to , to transger to her, but yes i guess fur does! I Simply accepted what they were saying and i do accept that everyone has differnt lifestyles and different experiences, likes and dislikes.
Personally if I go to someone else's home I politely adhere to THEIR boundaries as the space is THEIRS ie taking shoes off, only eating at rhe table, kids not allowed cake on the sofa etc etc.

I think people forget that circumstances change for one set of families while it wont change to match with another family ie ill quietly never forget not being permitted to a family wedding because the venue was not suitable for children.
At the time I had two under 4...and had never left them at night, not only because one was prone to severe illness but also the guests would all be family so away too!! (not that they baby sat anyway) vut also the wedding was a 3 hour drive away so would have meant driving to the venue whixh was v v rural, leaving the kids in a hotel room with my partner ..who would not accept having the kids over night without me (another story)and then spending a few hours at the venue, getting a taxi back to hotel, all the disruption to kids routines plus expense..without them being allowed to join in.
What did I do?
I politely and with all my grace, sent an apology RSVP stating we wouldn't be there and we sent them a voucher and a "have a wonderful time!!"
Can't wait to see pictures type card.
Not once did I try to bargain with them about bringing the kids!! Because they've put down their boundary and I have the manners to accept this.
Sweetly within 5 years they also have two toddlers and would never imagine leavibg them out of anything!!! Because things change along with experience and exposure to new situations. They'd never have left family members out had they realised the impact but there are no bad feelings because at the time, they didnt want the kdis there.
Another situ (actually pet related) was similar to yours in that a family member also had a rather unruly dog,it happened to be quite a strong dog, a bit smelly and jumped up (although they didnt seem to notice the smell as I guess got used to it)
They woukd leave the dog while at work, queitly in a crate having taken it for a walk and a run first thing and then when they got back 5 hours later. The litrle dog appeared really ok with this..anyway weekends they didn't have this routine and doggie had free reign. Im not commenting about this, I have no opinion other than I agree with any animal having as muxh freedom as possible.
Anyway, whenever they came over, we would have to lock away our many cats as this dog was a breed that chased and shook cats. (Again no judgement...lots of dogs have been bred for specific tasks and then cant be expected to pack away their instincts beacsue we decide we dont agree with them!!)
Anyway the dog had very wiry hair whixh would srixk into everythign, incidentla but a bit annoying...the worst was that it used to growl at the kids, and being kdis they would have food on hands when eating,and the dog used to come up abd lick them. It made me feel uncomfortable as I ddiht trust the growling and I dodnt think its fair for a dog that's not used to chidkren to keep being told off but exploring things but I also felt concerned for the small kids because they were unpredictable, the same size as the dogs face/ smar height so a small nip could be quite catastrophic.....the kdis weren't used to dogs so would try and touch it or kiss ots face, liek they did the cats...but the dog didnt like it.
The whole time they were in my hisue I was on edge and spent the whole time watching the dog..and my kdis.
Doggie had strong thick claws and would jump on the sofa, crawl into my lap and the kdis. If yorie a dog owner you might fidn this really sweet but I found it unbearable. Doggie is heavy, the claws hurt, I dont want dog slobber in my hair or on my hands and and and....

Sometimes they would 'crate the doggie making a massive deal about the poor thing being CRATED as though it was being isolated or tortured. I guess its not ideal but with elderly parents doggie was a trip hazard, it was trained, but once food came out or the kids made contact...it was too much for the dog and I can honestly say, although im no dog psychologist...that it was probably quite stressful for the dog..whixh then worried me even more because I dont want any animal to be stressed because of my actions and also, the natural reaction and emotions of thr poor dog may br to snap or get agitated...and with those jaws, once he locks on..he wont be releasing whatever he has without a fight.

A few years later they had a child of their own..I think then soemthing clicked..and now doggie is happily walked more, taken to classes, crated more or given space in another room and they dont allow dog to jump up etc. I think they realised that afyer their toddler was toppled over a few times that the behaviour wasnt "cute" or the doggie "just trying to be near us"

I once , when a student, had a pet mouse that used to sit on my shoulder and for some reason I thought it was appropriate, safe etx etx to take this little pet to the supermarket hiding in my scarf. It would pop its little head out of the little pouch I put her in to keep her secure and also keep her wee away from my nexk (I know, gross) but she was my little mate. Anyone who didnt like her, I kept her away from. Simple really....

Sorry,im rambling, but what im saying is that YOU also have the right to lay down polite boundaries.

Dont wait for their circumstances to change and govern the outcome.
You've got every right to politely say that it's not a good environment for A dog on Christmas day.
They might strop about it, and make silly comments, which youre not going to rise to xx and youll continue to have a great day without them, if this is what THEY choose to do. Also dont allow them to pull u into any sort of conversation about their alternative plans, if they find one. Just say "aah im so glad you've got a lovely day planned" etx.
Good luck x

People do get really ridiculous about their dogs. I’m a trainer and the things I hear 🙄

I mean, bless ‘em. Obviously. Doggy people are lovely in the main.

Stick to your guns OP. I wouldn’t want other people’s dogs in my house either nor do I ever expect to take mine with me when I visit people. Even if they offer I generally decline unless I know them well enough to know they’re not just offering out of politeness.

‘Hi DB, just to clarify that Christmas at ours will be dog-free - looking forward to seeing you.’

Does it need to be more contentious than that?

I am completely with you op.
He can host if he wants to.
Having a dog comes with consequences and this is one if them.
Having the dog outside isn’t an option as it may spend hours barking which would annoy the hell out of me.

Just tell them to leave it at home, for the sake for a few hours the dog will be fine!

And are you going to graciously accept the situation without complaint if your parents and your brother decline your invitation and intead spend Christmas together with the dog? Because thats the most likely outcome.

Madness how dogs are everywhere now .... particularly places where you eat. It never used to be like that.