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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 08/12/2023 06:54

I think I'd just respond with 'oh that's a shame sil, would have been lovely to see you at Christmas, let's catch up in the new year'

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 06:54

Where is SIL’s mum going to be for Christmas? Is she local enough to invite? Must be weird unexpectedly spending Christmas Day with someone else’s parents who aren’t your in-laws if you can’t even see your own parents.

How annoying are your parents? Maybe SIL isn’t keen to spend Christmas Day with them as she doesn’t enjoy their company.

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 06:59

Also how would you feel if invited th SIL’s house for Christmas with the in laws and it turned out to be with her parents too (but not yours)?

MeanWeedratStew · 08/12/2023 07:02

Add me to the list of PPs who would tell SIL that she is no longer welcome in my home. Ever. There would be no wishy-washy polite responses, no "sorry, we'll miss you, you're welcome if you can be civil..." none of that shit. She said what she said and there's no coming back from it.

I'm not normally so unforgiving, but if someone wants to be an unrepentant bitch to my mum, they can do one. And I would absolutely expect my husband's backing.

FlamingoQueen · 08/12/2023 07:04

The trouble with making people pick sides is that sometimes it backfires! Don’t let one crazy person dictate your Christmas. I would just say (to sil) that’s fine, thank you for letting us know you won’t be attending this year.

grumpycow1 · 08/12/2023 07:04

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 06:59

Also how would you feel if invited th SIL’s house for Christmas with the in laws and it turned out to be with her parents too (but not yours)?

If someone invites me to their house, they can invite who the hell they like. If the SIL wanted to go and visit her mum instead, what’s stopping her?

OP I do wonder if this is what your SIL’s problem is though?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 08/12/2023 07:05

Simplelobsterhat · 08/12/2023 06:25

Given the 3rd hand way you received the info, could there be a misunderstanding here? Is it personal about your mum, and actually asking that your mum doesn't come, or is it turning it down as they don't fancy Christmas day with people they barely know so have decided to give it a miss?

I can easily imagine accepting an invitation under the impression you were seeing your DHs side of the family this year (perhaps because bil hadn't fully explained to sil the plan?) And then finding out that actually it was a larger event with people I barely knew and that changing the dynamic, so wishing we hadn't accepted. Is she quite an introvert maybe? Plenty of people on here like to have Christmas just their little immediate family.

However, that wouldn't excuse expecting you to uninvite your mum, but did she actually say that or did she expect bil just to send their apologies because they've decided to stay home this year, and he's out his foot in it mentioning the reason and explaining it badly?

As for only mentioning your mum not dad, I can easily see that bring almost a shorthand for both parents that's been lost in translation of the Chinese whispers along the way?

Or of course she could be totally unreasonable!

Either way, don't worry if they don't come, it's not a big absence. We get on well with our siblings but hardly ever see them on Christmas day since we were married as generally if we are seeing one set of parents our siblings are seeing the in laws so no parents are left alone. So it's not a huge absence when you have 3 other guests.

Show quote history

Actually now I realise you've not actually spoken to her I wonder if its this and bil doesn't also actually want to spend his Christmas with people he doesn't know? Is sil on mn and is following the 'no' is a complete sentence you don't need to explain? And bil had voiced it horrendously wrong? (Or doesn't want to come and is chucking her under the bus!!!)

ohdamnitjanet · 08/12/2023 07:07

I couldn’t stop myself replying “ that’s a relief, I didn’t want you to come anyway “. Then never bother with her again. What a stupid woman she must be.

Beautiful3 · 08/12/2023 07:08

That's horrible! She's your lovely mum and she's disabled. I'd actually tell her, "You've really offended me, she's my mum! I think it's best that you don't come." What about mil, does she have a problem too? Or would she still come?

N27 · 08/12/2023 07:11

I wouldn’t be letting this lie. tell her you will not be able to consider her request without knowing her reasons why 1 keep pushing for her to explain herself.

madaboutmad · 08/12/2023 07:14

Surely your BIL knows. Get your DH to ask, but do not give in. SIL is a twat.

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 07:15

If someone invites me to their house, they can invite who the hell they like. If the SIL wanted to go and visit her mum instead, what’s stopping her?

Of course. But that doesn’t mean SIL wants to spend unexpected time with someone else’s parents on Christmas day when it’s not even her in laws and her own aren’t included.

If SIL is expected to spend Christmas with the in-laws this year and they are at someone else’s house, she hasn’t got much choice but to go has she?

My point was how would the OP feel if she was in SIL’s shoes?

PieAndLattes · 08/12/2023 07:15

I’d just do a 👍 or a breezy ‘Okie dokie, have a great Christmas and we’ll catch up in the new year 🎅’. Don’t feed the drama llama.

ohdamnitjanet · 08/12/2023 07:17

PrinnyPree · 07/12/2023 23:59

If BIL was that mortified why didn't he ask his wife WTAF she was playing at before approaching your DH with this batshit request.

I would be very quick to nip this in the bud with a "I'm not uninviting my Mum, but I am uninviting you to avoid an awkward atmosphere, fuckity bye" who gives a fuck about being diplomatic now, did she cared about diplomacy?

Fuckity bye 😆

NonPlayerCharacter · 08/12/2023 07:19

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 06:59

Also how would you feel if invited th SIL’s house for Christmas with the in laws and it turned out to be with her parents too (but not yours)?

I wouldn't give a shit. Why shouldn't someone invite their parents for Christmas? If I preferred to spend it with mine then I'd politely decline.

MeridianB · 08/12/2023 07:21

Her not being prepared to say what the issue is prolongs the attention and drama, which is exactly what she wants. Real or imagined, she has no interest in resolving the ‘problem’ and will keep this up until 25th if it means all eyes are on her.

So call her bluff. “Sorry you feel that way. We totally understand if you prefer to change your plans”. Then don’t engage in any more discussion. She’ll either suddenly come to her senses, or keep going and perhaps try to get your MIL to theirs. But the point is you can’t control this kind of crazy, so just don’t bother.

ZekeZeke · 08/12/2023 07:21

PieAndLattes · 08/12/2023 07:15

I’d just do a 👍 or a breezy ‘Okie dokie, have a great Christmas and we’ll catch up in the new year 🎅’. Don’t feed the drama llama.

I would absolutely do this

PinkLemons99 · 08/12/2023 07:24

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 07:15

If someone invites me to their house, they can invite who the hell they like. If the SIL wanted to go and visit her mum instead, what’s stopping her?

Of course. But that doesn’t mean SIL wants to spend unexpected time with someone else’s parents on Christmas day when it’s not even her in laws and her own aren’t included.

If SIL is expected to spend Christmas with the in-laws this year and they are at someone else’s house, she hasn’t got much choice but to go has she?

My point was how would the OP feel if she was in SIL’s shoes?

You can’t be serious? 🤔

Do you actually understand the sentiment behind ‘having a family Christmas’?

I thought it was only teenagers who centred everything around themselves and that by adulthood, they’d grown up and learnt to think of others before themselves. But apparently not as this middle aged SIL has sadly demonstrated. 🤷🏻‍♀️

adorablecat · 08/12/2023 07:27

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 07:15

If someone invites me to their house, they can invite who the hell they like. If the SIL wanted to go and visit her mum instead, what’s stopping her?

Of course. But that doesn’t mean SIL wants to spend unexpected time with someone else’s parents on Christmas day when it’s not even her in laws and her own aren’t included.

If SIL is expected to spend Christmas with the in-laws this year and they are at someone else’s house, she hasn’t got much choice but to go has she?

My point was how would the OP feel if she was in SIL’s shoes?

Of course she has a choice. She can stay at home if she wants to.

Shelby2010 · 08/12/2023 07:28

I doubt it’s really anything to do with your mum really. She just doesn’t want to go to yours for Christmas. Maybe she feels she’ll be a bit sidelined not being blood related to anyone, or maybe she’d rather spend it with her own mum/family. Perhaps she feels you should have invited her mum too. If she won’t say then who knows? But she trying to turn her problem into your problem.

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 07:29

NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:40

@PerspicaciaTick sorry, I didn't mean it to come across like I thought your mum was to blame. It's just such a crazy thing for your SIL to ask that there has to be a reason. Also, your SIL being offended doesn't mean your mum has done or said anything wrong. Maybe your SIL is being over sensitive or misinterpreted something. But surely no-one would not want someone to come at Christmas because of their health issues. You'd know if your SIL was that awful? Either way, the overstep in even asking your mum is uninvited is boggling.

there has to be a reason.

The reason is entirety fabricated by SIL. Given OP has said SIL stops talking to people, she likely has a personality disorder where she tests the people around her and then when they don’t do what she expects, she’ll sit at home on Christmas Day and imagine how bad people will feel that she’s not there.

OP, the fact you say that there will be a big gap that she’s not there makes me suspect that she pulls this kind of stunt from time to time, in various ways.

I recognise this behaviour because my sister does it.

FancyFanny · 08/12/2023 07:30

Oh well, I'd just let SIL and her husband spend their day alone. 2 less to cook for!

piscofrisco · 08/12/2023 07:30

What @tachycardigan said...it's a very PD trait to test people and create drama where there's none.

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 07:31

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 06:59

Also how would you feel if invited th SIL’s house for Christmas with the in laws and it turned out to be with her parents too (but not yours)?

I imagine OP would politely decline and make her own plans. But no way would OP (or any reasonable person) demand that SIL disinvite her own parents!

BlochAroundTheClock · 08/12/2023 07:42

There are too many variables here to judge what is actually going on. As tempting as it sounds to message sil directly with a "see ya in 2024 then" message, the risk of misunderstanding causing a family rift here is too high. Have I understood correctly that nobody has spoken directly to sil? This has been a phone conversation between brothers and various messages in between? Op, go old school and speak to sil directly if you can. Assume the best of her to start with and ask genuinely what's going on with Christmas, would they like to still come to you or are other plans being made. That way - if there has been a misunderstanding or some sort of miscommunication between sil & bil/bil & dh/etc then there is a chance to resolve it and stop the drama. And if she does have a problem with your mum then she will have to squirm and explain or make excuses in person.