SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

[PerspicaciaTick]

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

Don't get into it with your SIL.

Rescind your invitation to her.

No futher discussion.

Just say they couldn't make it.

I wouldn't want to be in her company again.

Do NOT allow her to change her mind.

Do NOT allow her to sour the day.

Take control of this firmly.

Why on earth are you tying yourself up in knots to defend the SILs position? You know it's not always warranted to put yourself in someone else's shoes?

My SIL has just done this too. So rude. We just ignored her and she seems to be coming now. But the alternative was her being alone.

Also, we have no idea if SILs parents are even around/alive. It's a total made-up argument.

You should tell her that. What a cow.

Is it because she expects her mum to be invited?

very bizarre behaviour. Better off not having her over and enjoy your time with your parents

Unless she can give you a valid reason I would be cutting her out of my life. She sounds very toxic.

I wouldn't expect to take my parents to my SILs house as they're no relation to her (my husband's sister) but I also wouldn't be surprised if her parents (my in-laws) were there seeing as it's her house or even if her husbands parents (no relation to me) were there seeing as it's also his house.

Maybe it's the other way round - your SIL said or did something offensive towards your mother and is now embarrassed about it, or worried she might be called out on it.

I don't understand why your BIL hasn't diffused this.
It's absolutely ridiculous for him to pass that message on without demanding and getting a (reasonable) explanation from his wife.

If its a genuine problem with your mum then a normal person would just say sorry we are doing our thing at home.

Is it really "pick me," or does she just not want to come and is assuming you will say no? Maybe she want to do something else.

I would assume though that once you say no, they may invite DH mum to theirs

Maybe the silly bitch thinks your mum shouldn't be there because she hasn't been there the last 3 years. Maybe she stupidly thinks your mum should have 'made more effort' to be there.

Whatever her reasons, I'd just cut her off and never have her in my house again.

It could be your mums last Christmas and she's coming with this shit. Fuck her forever more.

She's looking for attention. Don't give it to her.

I'd simply reply 'noted' and not discuss it any further.

There's nothing to be gained by engaging with that kind of crazy.

I’d politely disinvite SIL now. As you say, you won’t now have a nice time if she comes as she’s tarnished things.
”Hi SIL, sorry that you won’t be coming for Christmas, we’d put up with love to have you over on the 30th if you are free?”

Your SIL sounds nuts. I think I’d let her know she isn’t invited to yours now but everyone else is!

I would want to have a face to face conversation with her and find out what her issue is. If she still wasn’t forth coming, I would could cut her adrift. It’s really bizarre behaviour and if she can’t explain it, then don’t be part of her made up drama.

I can't understand how this message went through your bil and mil and neither thought it better to tell sil to grow up or just decline politely. Now there's potential for a real falling out in the family over what seems to be no real reason

Could BIL please ask her why on earth she thinks she, who is not directly related to the the hosts and is, I presume, of healthy body, is entitled to be prioritised over someone who is a direct, less capable, relative? I'm desperate to hear her answer to this.

(And yes, I know I'm not entitled to know, but it would be amusing hearing how she tries to defend her stance!)

How is your SIL usually? Is she normally nice, easy to get on with, or has she always been a high maintenance drama lama? I think this is important. If she is usually OK, then clearly something has been said, or taken the wrong way. If she has form for being horrible, then that is a different matter.

Depending on the answer above, my response would be appropriate.

a) I'd ask what was said, and try and smooth it over. If she won't tell you (because she acts like an 11 year old), then you tried.

b) If she is just generally a cow bag, then I would rip her a new one for upsetting my sick mum. I would go absolutely nuts is someone tried to exclude my mum like that.

Also, whatever the above, your BIL needs to grow a set of balls. My DH would point out to me that I was either BU, or needed to sort it out like an adult.

I'd not even go that far. From me she'd get "oh that's a shame. Have a good Christmas" and then I'd definitely not be including her in any events that my mum would be attending.

DH, BIL and MIL will all know why, so it's not as though OP will look like a bully.

This is the best way. I really can't think what is going through your SILs head. Because not only has she caused drama for Christmas, she has essentially ruined family relations going forward.

I would also be somewhat annoyed at BIL. He should have just told your DH that they were going to have a Christmas at home and dealt with his wife on his own.

Does SIL not cope well with ill people generally OP?

It's not a good enough excuse to behave like she is, mind you.

A couple of times we've had relatives with a catheter (so a urine bag that needs regular emptying) or visual impairments over & a friend was horrified that we might have to "do things for them". Of course it's no problem when it's people you know and like, but some people seem unable to cope with that.

A couple of times we've had relatives with a catheter (so a urine bag that needs regular emptying) or visual impairments over & a friend was horrified that we might have to "do things for them". Of course it's no problem when it's people you know and like, but some people seem unable to cope with that.

Ahh, your poor friend. Sick people should just not be seen or heard. Let's hope that if and when your friend is old or sick, that people treat her with the compassion and understanding she shows to others.

Sometimes things are not very nice to see, then you remember that that could be you or your loved one, and you dig a bit deep and act like a human.

SIL told your BIL she didn't want to come on Christmas Day if your Mum would be there

There was no need for BIL to share this with anyone

They should have just declined

@SantasPronounsAreHeAndHim

Too right! My mum lost two close friends when she became ill because they "couldn't cope" with the situation. Fucking pathetic. Though I've no doubt that they'll both turn up to her funeral when she dies, and try to make it about themselves.

It's quite ageist to think that an 80 year old woman could not possibly be the cause of any upset. Families are complicated.

Sil is trying to create drama

Tell them your mum is (obviously) definitely coming but given what your sil has said you no longer feel its appropriate that bil and sil come anymore.

Withdraw their invitation altogether.