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Christmas

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SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 08/12/2023 03:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’ve a relative that would pull this shit. So yes I can believe it. They love it when everyone is wondering why they are upset about some non event. It causes no end of upset and drama with everyone pussy footing around them. I tend to ignore it and treat them normally which infuriates them more!

OP do not ask any more questions and just rescind the invite. However you are now going to have this going forward at any future joint events so best be prepared.

Fraaahnces · 08/12/2023 04:08

I would text SIL and let her know that you invited everyone at the same time. Your parents have both stated that they will be there and it’s such a pity she will miss out this year. (Can DH speak to BIL and ask him if he will turn up to spend time with HIS family regardless?)

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/12/2023 04:49

Is she irritated because you get to have your DM with you but she will be apart from her own parents?

It is very bizarre behaviour. Who on earth would suggest that you disinvite your own DM?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 08/12/2023 04:53

Well, SIL has a choice - she either goes and is polite to your mum, or she stays away. Her choice, and I would be telling her that. Surely she doesn't really expect you to choose her as a guest over your mum? I would be keeping my distance from her in future, she sounds unhinged!

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 08/12/2023 04:59

stepintochristmas1 · 07/12/2023 22:41

I hate to say it but some young people do not like to be around disability , it's a bit like crossing the road to avoid someone , it's vile.

I'm not young, but I wouldn't be able to cope with spending a lot of time in a small space with someone who was, for example, incontinent or smelly. However, I wouldn't dream of saying anything beyond 'thanks for the invitation but I can't come, have a lovely time'.

Tilllly · 08/12/2023 05:12

Lots of good advice / options here
So just to add, however you reply, can you manage to shoehorn in something that makes bonkers SIL realise she's missing out?
Her family will all be together celebrating, whilst she and BIL are excluded

SnowSwan · 08/12/2023 05:19

What does her own mother do at Christmas? I wonder if she sees this as your DH's family's Christmas so does not think it's fair that your mother gets an invitation but hers doesn't. Some weird logic like that.

Andthereyougo · 08/12/2023 05:35

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:46

Sorry for being prickly. This will be the first time in 3 years that mum is well enough to attempt a family Christmas, we've all been excited to be together and SIL has tarnished it with her antics.

Only thing I can think of is she feels your mum will get more attention than she will. Very bizarre for a grown adult but you’re all better off without her than a resentful guest. If she won’t say why then that’s just attention seeking behaviour.

shearwater2 · 08/12/2023 05:36

I would've been straight on the phone to her asking what the problem with my mum is.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 05:36

Huhyou · 07/12/2023 23:43

My dad is a stroke survivor and his table manners can be a little unsavoury to those not used to it - belching, using hands, food around mouth, spills etc.

I would cut out anyone who even came close to suggesting I exclude him.

I wondered whether it was something like this. In any case, obviously she is extremely unreasonable.

contactus · 08/12/2023 05:39

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:36

DH is furious. BIL is mortified.

yet neither inclined to utilise a backbone between them it would seem

GodDammitCecil · 08/12/2023 05:42

‘No worries, see you in the New Year’ is the only possible response to this.

No drama, end of.

And there is no ‘gap’ because she’s not there.

Everyone who’s meant to be there is there.

Carry on and enjoy the day.

I don’t do dramatic people, and I don’t feed their drama. Their circus, their monkeys.

greencheetah · 08/12/2023 05:51

Tbh I would completely withdraw SILS invitation. I wouldn’t want the stress of her deigning to attend but bristling with hostility at your DM.

Just respond saying you hope they have a lovely Christmas and thanks for letting you know they won’t be coming to yours.

autienotnaughty · 08/12/2023 06:20

I would explain to bil it's probably better if they (bil and sil ) don't come. As obviously your parents are coming and you don't want an atmosphere if sil did decide to come.

And even if sil 'changes ' her mind I would still univite and have dh explain to pil so no crossed wires.

GameOverBoys · 08/12/2023 06:20

Obviously you have to tell her to do one but I’d prepare yourself for the big reveal of your mums ‘crime’ and resulting accusations and drama. Why did BIL even pass the message on. This won’t end well and my priority would be protecting my Mum from all of this. My guess is some sort of well meaning small talk has been taken offence at. You only have to read MN to understand how easy it is for some people to think they are a victim.

ConstantRain · 08/12/2023 06:20

I'd just reply 'I'm sorry you feel like you can't come. Have a good Christmas.'

Leave her to it.

Simplelobsterhat · 08/12/2023 06:25

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:16

By "everyone" I mean SIL, who then told my BIL so he could tell my DH. BIL was shocked and knew my DH would be upset so discussed it with his mum before speaking to DH. I was last to know. I have not told my parents, they would be very upset.

SIL has said she would love to come, but only if my mum is not there.

Given the 3rd hand way you received the info, could there be a misunderstanding here? Is it personal about your mum, and actually asking that your mum doesn't come, or is it turning it down as they don't fancy Christmas day with people they barely know so have decided to give it a miss?

I can easily imagine accepting an invitation under the impression you were seeing your DHs side of the family this year (perhaps because bil hadn't fully explained to sil the plan?) And then finding out that actually it was a larger event with people I barely knew and that changing the dynamic, so wishing we hadn't accepted. Is she quite an introvert maybe? Plenty of people on here like to have Christmas just their little immediate family.

However, that wouldn't excuse expecting you to uninvite your mum, but did she actually say that or did she expect bil just to send their apologies because they've decided to stay home this year, and he's out his foot in it mentioning the reason and explaining it badly?

As for only mentioning your mum not dad, I can easily see that bring almost a shorthand for both parents that's been lost in translation of the Chinese whispers along the way?

Or of course she could be totally unreasonable!

Either way, don't worry if they don't come, it's not a big absence. We get on well with our siblings but hardly ever see them on Christmas day since we were married as generally if we are seeing one set of parents our siblings are seeing the in laws so no parents are left alone. So it's not a huge absence when you have 3 other guests.

LAMPS1 · 08/12/2023 06:26

OP are they coming for the day or are they staying with you overnight.?
Just wondering if SIL has an aversion to sharing a bathroom with the elderly/disabled folk who might take a long time in there.
Could it be bathroom/toilet related ?

pictoosh · 08/12/2023 06:28

This seems bizarre...has she got form for attention-seeking/shit-stirring/trying to control others?
Agree with others...a mild 'no worries, see you another time' response is best. If she's looking for drama she can seek elsewhere.

I'd be spitting being so polite to someone being so awful but I wouldn't want her to know she'd rattled me. Someone only behaves like this to get a reaction. Don't give her one.

Luddite26 · 08/12/2023 06:28

Some people are horrible toward disabled people.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas with all the parents and sil enjoys her Xmas away from all of you.

Pipsquiggle · 08/12/2023 06:28

All of this is just bizarre.

SIL's ultimatum.
BIL, MIL, & DH perpetuating it and not telling her very clearly to 'stop being ridiculous and wind your neck in'

Sounds like you are going to have to be the adult and use your voice.
'Are you ok SIL?
What you have asked us to do is unacceptable and none of us know why you have even asked us to uninvite my 80 year old mother. She will be here on Christmas day. You are still very welcome to attend and our expectation is that all our guests treat each other civilly.
Kind regards @PerspicaciaTick '

8misskitty8 · 08/12/2023 06:40

Reply ‘ No need to decline, you are no longer invited’ If you want to be polite but to the point.

If it was me I’d probably go postal on her. What a bitch, making it all about her.

WeneedSamVimesonthecase · 08/12/2023 06:40

PrinnyPree · 07/12/2023 22:30

I would uninvite the fuck out of anyone who had a problem with my Mum.

Exactly! I'm reading all these polite responses, and thinking I must live in a different universe, because I'd be furious and letting SIL know that if that's how she feels about my mum, she's no longer welcome in my house at Christmas or any other time.

Quite honestly, how dare she?!

HalebiHabibti · 08/12/2023 06:43

I think my knee jerk question would be "Is it because my mum is physically disabled? If so, I'm surprised and disappointed in your reaction, and would prefer that you stayed away."

GreatGateauxsby · 08/12/2023 06:51

Tell her she can fuck off and buy & cook her own turkey and sit at home then.

She would not be welcome in my home (I might tolerate her at in-law "events") and I really would not care what kind of rift it caused.

Even if she has some obscure "valid" reason... Your mum's top slipped and sil saw her swastika tattoo... 😮😮😮
your SIL is BU for behaving like such an utter child... " I can't say whyyyyy I just don't like itttttt"

Separately...
I don't know why if SIL and BIL don't attend there will be an atmosphere.

Your SIL is coming across as utterly unhinged. Just have an open conversation with your mil about how bizarre this is and jointly agree to write this off, not discuss it and have a great Christmas.
then you yourself get back to planning a nice Christmas and think of some games / snacks /activities to make it extra lovely.