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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 08/12/2023 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Redskyatwhatever · 08/12/2023 00:14

Make it clear to your SIL that it’s herself that’s been uninvited, you don’t want to run the risk of her magnanimously showing up (FOMO) even with your mum being there and then her spoiling Christmas for everyone by sitting there with a gob on.

Codlingmoths · 08/12/2023 00:14

This is a no brainer. ‘We are all really excited mum is well enough for christmas. I have no idea what is going on with you but you are no longer welcome at ours for Christmas, I won’t risk it being spoiled for my mum.’

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 00:18

That’s crazy. It’s absolutely crazy to say something like that and not give a reason. Of course the only answer is “well, that’s very strange but you seem to be counting yourself out of Christmas, what a shame”.

You could add a follow-up question about whether mum has done something unforgivable that you should want to know about. Because her extreme position would point to that. Even if she can’t tell you what it is, she can indicate that there is something by tapping the side of her nose and winking….

But if she doesn’t give a rational explanation then then there’s nothing more to be done, just put away her Christmas table setting.

And maybe see if BIL can satisfy your curiosity at a later date.

Nieuwepijp · 08/12/2023 00:20

Well that's quite a mystery you're being dealt OP. How intriguing. I wonder if your Mum forgot to pass the sugar bowl to SIL, or maybe she didn't hear and so wasn't suitably amused by an anecdote SIL shared, she might even have been distracted when people were saying their goodbyes and missed SIL? I mean something major must have happened.

Newestname002 · 08/12/2023 00:31

Codlingmoths · 08/12/2023 00:14

This is a no brainer. ‘We are all really excited mum is well enough for christmas. I have no idea what is going on with you but you are no longer welcome at ours for Christmas, I won’t risk it being spoiled for my mum.’

Good response - short and very clear. 🌹

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/12/2023 00:39

Pure speculation, I'm wondering if OP's mum perhaps asked them about having children and perhaps SIL had had a loss. This just jumped into my head as something similar happened in my circle. Not saying OP's mum would have done anything wrong here though.

ETA totally forgot SIL is in her 50's. Still could have been a question that hurt about children though.

SeaToSki · 08/12/2023 00:44

Dear SIL. Quite frankly I am boggled that you would even suggest such an idea, and even more boggled that you wont share why you dont want to be in the same room as my DM on Xmas day. If you did share the reason with us, maybe we would be able to understand where you were coming from and there would be a possibility of working out some sort of compromise. Given that you have just put it as an ultimatum, I am afraid that I am not going to be held hostage by you over this. My DM will be coming to us for Christmas day (and your invitation is on hold until you can behave like a reasonable adult and use your words….. maybe dont include this last bit!! )…….and I hope that you can reassess your stance

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/12/2023 00:52

Has she got form for attention seeking/ causing drama)
Obviously she's ridiculous but the less you say,the less attention she's getting
"That's fine with us" and ignore
I hope you can enjoy your long awaited Christmas with your DM

QueenofTerrasen · 08/12/2023 01:03

Reply "never mind, see you another time" and say nothing else. Pandering to her by asking why is giving her attention. Ignore completely and have a lovely Christmas with your mum xx

Taurusandvirgo · 08/12/2023 01:19

NRFT

SIL is rude and tactless, but is she giving an ultimatum or is it just information? Maybe she's fine with not coming and is letting you know the reason is because she doesn't get along with your mum? Maybe she's totally awkward around disabled people, as if they're a separate species, and is taking the easy option of not socialising with your mum? Which of course makes her a total prat, but would explain why she doesn't want to say the reason.

BIL is as bad. Given his wife's totally unreasonable behaviour he should have had the maturity to be tactful himself and not pass on her message but make their excuses and decline. If it is an ultimatum that she wanted passed on, then he's happy enough for it to exist, since he did pass the message on. I'd not have done that and would have told my partner to grow up or if not, to state his nasty ultimatums to the people he's going to hurt, himself.

I'd respond politely, taking the information as a decline. I wouldn't offer to see them another day. After a message like theirs, let them contact you and try to arrange a meet-up if they're bothered about seeing you over the festive period. Don't chase them or offer alternatives.

Merida46 · 08/12/2023 01:33

Just pretend to your SIL that your mum won’t be there then watch her face when she walks in and realises your mum is there after all. I believe this song was aimed specifically at your sister in law

Fascinating Aida: Rudest Christmas Song .... Ever? NSFW!

A Naughty Nativity Message from Fascinating Aida ... share it with some who is being a c**t this Christmas,. See us perform it live in our Christmas season a...

https://youtu.be/zd0BcioP-bs?si=OrRED8F9snJhttpI

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2023 01:36

I would force her hand somewhat.
’Dear SIL, I completely respect your choice to stay at home if my mother attends Xmas lunch. However, I’d be remiss in not expressing my shock and disappointment of your intolerance of disability (insert scenario applicable to your mum). I have never garnered this from you over the years and honestly am so shocked now this refusal to be in the same space with disabilities has come to light and I need to think on this moving forward in a general sense. I wish you the best for your lunch in the day.’

I’m pretty sure she will shoot something back with what the actual issue is as not many people will lie back and accept being accused of this.

Junemoon222 · 08/12/2023 01:39

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 01:53

This just doesn’t quite add up. OP, I think you are, maybe mistakenly, giving all these posters the impression that your SIL directly asked you to uninvite your mother. Your heading implies this ‘pick me’.

Yet she hasn’t communicated anything to you, has she?

Your BIL told both his mother and his brother, your husband. Which is odd and totally unhelpful. Your SIL may have just been voicing some discomfort. Possibly even privately, not realising her husband is blabbing this to everyone.

If she really said that she wasn’t going to go if your mother is there, then her husband should have said that they were not coming for Christmas Day with some excuse, rather than this mess.

JANEY205 · 08/12/2023 02:01

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 01:53

This just doesn’t quite add up. OP, I think you are, maybe mistakenly, giving all these posters the impression that your SIL directly asked you to uninvite your mother. Your heading implies this ‘pick me’.

Yet she hasn’t communicated anything to you, has she?

Your BIL told both his mother and his brother, your husband. Which is odd and totally unhelpful. Your SIL may have just been voicing some discomfort. Possibly even privately, not realising her husband is blabbing this to everyone.

If she really said that she wasn’t going to go if your mother is there, then her husband should have said that they were not coming for Christmas Day with some excuse, rather than this mess.

Oooh such a good point!! I’ve definitely said I don’t want to go to a family members home for Christmas if their in-laws are also going and it’s not because I hate them, but Christmas is when I like to relax and not make awkward small chat and hang out with non family! I’d rather stay home honestly and chill. OP knows everyone obviously but for SIL it is spending Christmas with a stranger and it can be quite awkward especially if gifts are opened etc.

ChateauDuMont · 08/12/2023 02:02

In what what way is your mother incapacitated? Is she incontinent and your sister in law is adverse to certain smells?

In that case they should have just said they can't make it rather than insist they will only come if your mother doesn't!

If she's refusing to say why, then your husband needs to get firm with his brother and insist on knowing why!

ChateauDuMont · 08/12/2023 02:10

Or tell her that your mother isn't coming and let your brother and sister in law arrive first and then as they are seated and making themselves comfortable with nibbles and a glass of something nice in their hands, you wheel in mother who has been hiding in the kitchen and all yell, 'Surprise! Surprise!' Have your children throw streamers and blow party blowers!

They won't leave as they won't have prepared food as they are coming to yours so there will have to be a grand denouement of your sister in law declaring why can't stand your mother!

Let's face it, that's got to be better than the crap they will show on the telly!

momonpurpose · 08/12/2023 02:14

ChateauDuMont · 08/12/2023 02:10

Or tell her that your mother isn't coming and let your brother and sister in law arrive first and then as they are seated and making themselves comfortable with nibbles and a glass of something nice in their hands, you wheel in mother who has been hiding in the kitchen and all yell, 'Surprise! Surprise!' Have your children throw streamers and blow party blowers!

They won't leave as they won't have prepared food as they are coming to yours so there will have to be a grand denouement of your sister in law declaring why can't stand your mother!

Let's face it, that's got to be better than the crap they will show on the telly!

I love this idea!

BuggersMuddle · 08/12/2023 02:14

Your SIL is being a bit of an arse in saying this but not explaining her issue.

Whilst it might not be 'nice', it's fine to decline an Xmas invite if whatever is going on with your DM makes her think it'd be a bad day for her & her family. What's not okay is making it your problem. 'We'd choosing to have Xmas at home this year, but would love to exchange gifts / you could pop round for mulled wine and mince pie' would be a reasonable approach were I your SIL. 'Ostracise the octogenarian' is not one.

NumberTheory · 08/12/2023 02:38

I would be inclined to tell her that, given her ultimatum, she was no longer welcome.

Even if she backtracked, would you be comfortable with her there, knowing she felt so negatively about your DM?

TempleMeads · 08/12/2023 02:48

You could say something like ‘we’d love you to come, and I’m so sorry you’re upset, but obviously we can’t exclude my mum when we have no idea what the problem is. If you feel able to explain then I’m here to listen, as naturally I’m now finding this situation upsetting and baffling too.’

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2023 02:56

oh just tell her and brother in law to fuck off to the far side of fucking hell.

DcatAnnie · 08/12/2023 03:13

How awful of her! I hope BIL comes to yours and leaves her at home.

Lwrenagain · 08/12/2023 03:29

I have a SiL that does this kind of weird shit. No explanation just likes dropping bombs on plans to make them SiL focused.
She'll be lovely to everyone but focus her dislike to people almost in a rotation.
The posters saying don't even respond I suspect are right.
On the other hand, I'd probably bite and have the row she desperately wants.
It's so bizarre isn't it? Choosing Christmas to be an arsehole for attention.
We don't invite SiL on Christmas day anymore which sucks because we love BiL, but we have them over for boxing day buffet so if she pulls some none issue out her arse to create at least its not screwing up Christmas day.

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