SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

[PerspicaciaTick]

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

Maybe someone else has said this upthread but to me the most significant thing is thst even when asked she won’t give a straight answer—or any answer. That is actually really hard to do, socially speaking. To be that numb/dumb to conventional social niceties, to make such a demand without even a gesture, however weak, at a compromise, argues for a pretty icy level of narcissism. Most people would feel enormous pressure—mumsnet is full of them—to temporize or excuse. She just dropped the bomb and shrugged.

No chance it's this, because she specifically said it about OP's mum only, not her dad too.

A cheerful "Sorry you can't come, see you in the new year" would do the trick here.

(In our case, SIL's Mum is the one who sees the kids the most)

Could there be some sort of racism involved?

Astoundingly RUDE ! your response could be ....

that's a shame, we'll miss you at our lunch.

and leave it at that, don't engage further on the subject. You've already asked her and she won't explain. let her seeth with frustration that she's not getting more attention from it.

........ and have a lovely day without her 😁

Get your DH to ask his brother. He should know...

Bloody hell. I know I'm late to the thread but I'd simply tell your SIL thanks for letting you know she won't be joining you but you are looking forward to hosting BIL.

Even if your DM had previously said something to her, the fact that your SIL is arrogant enough to think that her mere demand is enough to exclude your DM, is quite something.

Giving an ultimatum that she'll only attend if your mother isn't there but not giving any actual reason as to why she has this issue with your mum?

Nah.

I'd be around there squeezing some sense out of the woman. If you're going to cause drama then you need to back it up!

I wouldn't be welcoming her in the new year.

Seems like everyone thinks SIL is a bitch so if your BIL has a shit Christmas, that's on her. Screw your SIL, she's the problem. Not your mum xx

I think BIL is the undiplomatic shit stirrer here.

So weird of your BIL to even pass on her ridiculous request. Get fucked, the pair of them. They can stay home.

It's OP's brother, not her BIL.

Ah, sorry it's her DHs brother and his wife.

Anyway, as before, just leave it OP.

The can sweat away and make their own choices.
The invite's on the table.

Have you contacted SIL directly? Could you phone her? I'd tell her you are obviously having Xmas with your mum but even if sil goes back on it, I wouldn't want her there making it uncomfortable.

I don't understand why you're engaging in this or asking her reasons etc. Just say that your mum will be coming and SIL is welcome but if she doesn't wish to attend then that's up to her.

Personally I'd not want her there now anyway, even if she did change her mind. Say thanks for letting me know, see you in the New Year sometime.

I always have a saying.. 'the one who makes me choose, is the one who's gonna lose'.

She's making the decision not to go if x, y or z people are there. That's on her.

The only explanation I can see ( very very very unreasonable) is that your mother is the only one not connected to sil really

I don't understand this sentence at all:

"Either she stays away with BIL and there is a big, noticeable gap. Or she comes and we spend Christmas knowing she is seething at my mum.".

Why would there be a big noticeable gap if only two people don't come?

Why do you have the idea that she is "seething" at your mum?

Have you actually asked SIL what in gods name she's talking about and why on earth she has an issue with your mother? It genuinely makes no sense unless there is a story behind it.

I'd feel like a pandora's box had been opened and even after Christmas had been and gone I'd still need to get to the bottom of why sil had a problem with my mother. Or if it was the case, as some poster's think, that the bil had come up with this off his own bat as an excuse.

Either way I'd be doing a Miss Marple on the situation.

SIL would be getting a very simple message from me.

Unless you can provide a valid reason for why you've singled my 80-year old disabled mother out, there will be no further invites to any Christmas dinner. BIL is, of course, always welcome.

@VickyEadieofThigh that’s fine that you would do that. However, my response would be less Eastenders and burning bridges. At this point OP has absolutely no idea what is going on and whilst I would be very firm in holding the line and not rescinding an invite to my parents, I would still want to keep lines of communication open. If and when I had further information, that confirmed that SIL was indeed just a complete twat, THEN I would burn those bridges to the ground.

Have you actually asked SIL what in gods name she's talking about and why on earth she has an issue with your mother?

Could you ask your BIL or MIL directly what they think is going on? I bet, pound to a penny, that it’s either:

a). Silliness over an “our” family thing/not being with her own mother or-
b). She’s taken huge offence at some innocuous comment your mum has made about something.

But you’ll be better placed to judge - and formulate a response - once you know!