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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 08/12/2023 10:32

Why on earth did your BIL tell your DH what his wife said!
Why didn't he simply decline the invitation as his wife's a batshit bitch?

I can't get my head around this at all

Chucklecheeks01 · 08/12/2023 10:32

Its only a pick me game if you play. Id say "no problem, have a great Christmas" and that would be the end of it.
Enjoy Xmas with your mum.

AmethystSparkles · 08/12/2023 10:39

SgtJuneAckland · 07/12/2023 22:09

Here for the outrageous behaviour an 80 year old must've displayed to get blacklisted by SIL

Crikey there are some naive people on here!

contactus · 08/12/2023 10:44

BMW6 · 08/12/2023 10:32

Why on earth did your BIL tell your DH what his wife said!
Why didn't he simply decline the invitation as his wife's a batshit bitch?

I can't get my head around this at all

oh it’s always normal in these kinds of Op

the men are portrayed as these simpering presences in the background. Apparently “very angry” but do fu@k all about it.

And i’m not sure if it’s always the truth and, if it is, the OP has bigger problems than her in laws

2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 10:46

Reading one of OP's posts I missed I see it wasn't SIL herself who told the OP this was the reason she didn't want to come but her husband. I'd expect spouses to be able to be frank with each other. Her husband is the one who should have then politely declined, not drop his wife in it by telling his brother that his wife doesn't like his MIL. If my husband didn't want to go somewhere because by brother's wife's parents were going to be there (and he's not overly fond of them) I'd just decline not drop him in it.

Dweetfidilove · 08/12/2023 10:51

The only attention she deserves is a ‘thanks for letting me know’.

If she has a problem with your mom - some time ago would be the time to address- not at Christmas.

And any attention seeking nutter who thinks I’m disinviting my own mother from Christmas- 😂😂😂.

Floppyelf · 08/12/2023 10:52

Well there’s one solution to this isn’t it? Unvite SIL ( the crazy bat) and send BIL the name of a good divorce firm. Drop her like a rock and do not engage from now on. No contact is a great concept for people like her.

PeppermintMandy · 08/12/2023 10:53

Is this really what’s happened though? I personally don’t want to spend Christmas Day with people I don’t know and by your own admission she doesn’t know your Mum.

So has she dramatically “announced” that she “won’t come if your Mum is there”? Or does she just not fancy spending Christmas with the two families blended since your Mum means nothing to her and she’d rather just stay home with her immediate family?

Wishimaywishimight · 08/12/2023 11:03

I wouldn't give a toss what the reason was. "Mum will be there. It's up to you if you come or not."

Why give this a moment's thought - it's your mother! SIL likes drama I would think.

Bemyclementine · 08/12/2023 11:06

This is bonkers and infuriating that she won't say why. I'd be uninviting the SIL, you surely don't want her there now?

DragonFly98 · 08/12/2023 11:10

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:30

Because she wants us to pick her instead of mum.
She has made an ultimatum forcing me to choose between her and my mum. Which is bizarre and not a contest she could have thought she would win.

Show quote history

You put it in quotes that's not what "pick me" means.
Re your mum something must have happened but if SIL won't tell you there isn't much you can do.

KingsleyBorder · 08/12/2023 11:10

Wishimaywishimight · 08/12/2023 11:03

I wouldn't give a toss what the reason was. "Mum will be there. It's up to you if you come or not."

Why give this a moment's thought - it's your mother! SIL likes drama I would think.

I think it’s possible for OP to be absolutely clear that her Mum will be coming, no matter what the reason, but for her still to want to know what prompted the SIL to say this.

AliceMcK · 08/12/2023 11:13

@PerspicaciaTick i don’t think I actually respond, I’d just ignore it and see if they chase you for a response, if they have the balls to I’d laugh and say I’m not even going to respond to something so ridiculous.

KingsleyBorder · 08/12/2023 11:15

DragonFly98 · 08/12/2023 11:10

You put it in quotes that's not what "pick me" means.
Re your mum something must have happened but if SIL won't tell you there isn't much you can do.

Show quote history

Are you referring to the specific use of “pick me” or “doing the “pick me” dance” in the context of a situation where a man cheats on his wife and the wife bends over backwards to entice him back (i.e. to pick her instead of the mistress)?

LlynTegid · 08/12/2023 11:17

Over a fortnight for SIL to make other arrangements. I agree a polite decline would have been better.

Butchyrestingface · 08/12/2023 11:19

@PerspicaciaTick Well, my mum's dead now but if anyone had ever said such a thing about her, a propos of nothing, no explanation, no argument, nuffink - they'd have ended up in the Christmas meat pie, Arya Stark style. Grin

I'd find it hard to ever speak to her again, after that.

TellingBone · 08/12/2023 11:23

I agree with PPs who've suggested that it's BIL that doesn't want to spend Christmas Day with other people's relatives [not an uncommon preference]; and he's cack-handedly come up with this tale so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.

mindutopia · 08/12/2023 11:37

Someone on here awhile back used the term 'chaos demon'. This is exactly what it sounds like your SIL is. Does she do this sort of thing in other situations? She's made what seems like a request (as bloody offensive and ridiculous as it is) and mentioned it to BIL, who has mentioned it to dh/their parents, now it's come to you. In an effort to rattle everyone and destabilise the plans. So now you are questioning the why's and the what happened's. Dh/BIL/in-laws feel all awkward. Probably a little bit half wish you would just uninvite your mum so all could just be swept under the rug and even if they would never say that. Or that you would just invite SIL and then Christmas day would be all weird and not the lovely day you planned. If SIL doesn't come, then BIL won't, your parents will wonder why, MIL will feel uncomfortable. The fire has been lit under chaos and it's spread. SIL can sit safely at home admiring her work.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 08/12/2023 11:37

Why BIL didn't say 'Are you fucking nuts?! I'm not telling Dave and Sharon they can't invite Sharon's Mum, what the hell are you on about?!' is a complete mystery.

I wouldn't be saying 'sorry you can't come' or wishing her a happy Christmas, she can get to fuck.

I'd be flat out saying 'Mum will be with us on Christmas day. As you apparently can't be civil to her, you're no longer welcome in our home. Simon, if you'd like to join us we'd be very happy to see you.'

Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 11:46

theconfidenceofwho · 07/12/2023 23:48

That is just so bizarre Op - what could she have against your mum?!!

I'd tell her she's no longer invited and forget about her.

Yes I agree. Tell her she is no longer invited and that you and your DH are also so upset with her that you feel there will be an atmosphere. Who would want an 80 year old disabled woman to be on her own at Christmas without even her husband there?

liverpoolgal82 · 08/12/2023 11:54

I would totally ignore it now. Do not send a message. Leave it in her court as to what she does next. Whether that’s asking you if you’ve cancelled your mum or cancelling herself. Or whether they just show up. Do not give it any of your time. Such nonsense should be ignored.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/12/2023 11:57

To play devil's advocate here after reading OP's posts fully... It could be that SIL was going to be diplomatic about this and that idiotic BIL doesn't understand what is necessary to say and what is meant to stay private between him and his wife. If this is the case and I was SIL I'd be fuming at BIL. From experience though men do sometimes need it spelling out explicitally if you want something to remain a private thought

ChateauDuMont · 08/12/2023 12:03

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/12/2023 11:57

To play devil's advocate here after reading OP's posts fully... It could be that SIL was going to be diplomatic about this and that idiotic BIL doesn't understand what is necessary to say and what is meant to stay private between him and his wife. If this is the case and I was SIL I'd be fuming at BIL. From experience though men do sometimes need it spelling out explicitally if you want something to remain a private thought

Edited

That's an excellent point.

Sister in law could have told her husband she's not going because she doesn't like the ops mother but would never have told the op and her husband has made a blunder and told his brother without thinking!

Datafan55 · 08/12/2023 12:03

We tend to ask not to be at the same functions as my SIL's parents/sister etc. Not because we don't like them - they're really nice! - but because they see my B/SIL's kids about 30 times more than we do as they are local and we are not and we then end up competing in our rare time around the kids. Any chance it's something like that?

Sparehair · 08/12/2023 12:09

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/12/2023 11:57

To play devil's advocate here after reading OP's posts fully... It could be that SIL was going to be diplomatic about this and that idiotic BIL doesn't understand what is necessary to say and what is meant to stay private between him and his wife. If this is the case and I was SIL I'd be fuming at BIL. From experience though men do sometimes need it spelling out explicitally if you want something to remain a private thought

Edited

Yes- this is my thought, or maybe not even that she doesn’t like the OPs parents, but that she doesn’t want to make the compromises to accommodate two elderly people with severe health issues on Christmas Day . Does they make her a bad person? Possibly, but I agree it’s quite likely that the reason was not supposed to get back to the OP. Possibly the OP’s DH pressed for a reason why BIL wasn’t coming and BIL threw SIL under the bus.

There’s a big difference between saying “ I won’t do x because of y” and saying “ I’ll only do x if y doesn’t happen”.