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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 08/12/2023 09:23

Terrribletwos · 07/12/2023 22:16

Maybe ask her why she objects to your mother....

Certainly not ask her, that partially validates her ridiculous demand, Fine is all that's needed.

KombuchaKalling · 08/12/2023 09:25

Oh well, looks like SIL isn’t coming then 🤷‍♀️. I wouldn’t feed into it

JudgeJ · 08/12/2023 09:26

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:20

This is definitely the grown-up response.
But there is going to be an atmosphere either way. Either she stays away with BIL and there is a big, noticeable gap. Or she comes and we spend Christmas knowing she is seething at my mum.

Show quote history

I would withdraw her invitation, gap or no gap, I wouldn't want to expose the rest of the family to her unpleasantness.

SnowSwan · 08/12/2023 09:26

BrassOlive · 08/12/2023 09:16

Where does that batshitterry end then, with 200 people crammed in a church hall so they can all cling on to their mummies? Or perhaps the two mothers in OP's scenario both get excluded to make SIL comfortable, inviting male parents only.

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Of course not. I'm just suggesting that this could be a possible reason for SIL weird stance.

My parents are dead so I do feel it at Christmas when everyone else in the extended family has their parents with them and I'm there like Orphan Annie. I wouldn't demand no other parents be there though.

Mumof2teens79 · 08/12/2023 09:27

SnowSwan · 08/12/2023 08:52

I do wonder if she is seeing it as she is the only one in the family who doesn't get to spend Christmas with her mother. For her to do that would mean either not spending it with her DH or her DH not spending it with his family.

Or, just ask if her mum can come?

Unfortunately not everyone gets to spend the say with EVERY one they are related to....or we would literally all be together.

Surely at the age of 50, SIL has realised this?

DancingFerret · 08/12/2023 09:35

SIL sounds like a power queen; the only way to deal with people like that is to call their bluff, so smile sweetly while telling her your mum and dad will be enjoying Christmas Day with you and that you hope she and BIL have a lovely Christmas.

housethatbuiltme · 08/12/2023 09:38

Flamalotty · 07/12/2023 22:08

She said her mum is widowed.

YANBU

'DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad'

Her DH mother is widowed but OP is talking about her parents as she said

'In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents?'

Dorriethelittlewitch · 08/12/2023 09:38

Is everyone sleeping over? Could that be the root of the issue somehow? All 4 of them in a room this year rather than the children having their own?

Regardless of the reason, it seems bizarre.

Kangaboo · 08/12/2023 09:49

How bizarre. Well SIL and BIl can have their own Christmas then and you and your DC will get to enjoy theirs with all their remaining grandparents.

Very odd of your SIL to not just decline rather than create this fuss and potential family fall out.

Be civil and relieved that’s 2 less to cater for and enjoy your Christmas@PerspicaciaTick

Salacia · 08/12/2023 09:49

SnowSwan · 08/12/2023 09:26

Of course not. I'm just suggesting that this could be a possible reason for SIL weird stance.

My parents are dead so I do feel it at Christmas when everyone else in the extended family has their parents with them and I'm there like Orphan Annie. I wouldn't demand no other parents be there though.

Show quote history

But again - why only complain about the OP’s mother (and not her father too)?

Salacia · 08/12/2023 09:51

And if it was because SIL is feeling sensitive about not having her parents around etc then why create a drama with telling the OP not to invite her mum (and just her mum, not her dad or in-laws) and instead just say something along the lines of ‘we’ve decided we fancy a quiet one this year so will stay home Christmas - we’d love to see you in the new year for drinks etc’.

Mariposista · 08/12/2023 09:52

This thread is so so sad. I lost my lovely gran this year. Ok, she was 10 years older than your mum, but was very poorly at the end and the idea of anyone so crassly stating they 'don't want her around' would have made the red mist descent (and I am incredibly calm).
Enjoy your Christmas with your parents, husband and MIL. This immature little girl can explain what she's on about or just stew.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 08/12/2023 09:54

"Well obviously I'm not going to uninvite my own mother, especially as she hasn't been able to come in recent years. Are bil/dn still coming?"

Sil needs to explain. Or just fuck off.

CormorantStrikesBack · 08/12/2023 09:58

NeedToChangeName · 08/12/2023 08:12

SIL told your BIL she didn't want to come on Christmas Day if your Mum would be there

There was no need for BIL to share this with anyone

They should have just declined

I agree with this.

Could it depend on what the conversation was between the sil and bil and she said something which she never intended to be shared.

So maybe they were discussing it and sil said to her dh that if your mum was going to be there she didn't want to go but didn't mean it personally to your mum......was just meaning if it was going to be a big/busy xmas she'd rather stay at home. Which I can get.....sometimes xmas with a lot of people can be overwhelming and I'd rather a quiet one. And your BIL has misunderstood/taken it literally and repeated something.

Or even that your SIL is just feeling like they might be intruding if you're having your family and you might prefer them not to be there?

You say she's normally nice so maybe talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt for now. But your BIL was daft to tell you/your dh. But it could all be chinese whispers.

PossumintheHouse · 08/12/2023 10:03

What a weird power play by your SIL. Tell her to fuck off. Literally. She sounds like a fun-sucking vampire.

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 10:09

You just ignore her.

I wonder what your brother feels about this?

Has she told him what she wants?

Keep calm and carry on as you planned to do.

If she wants to stay away, fine. (But she won't, of course.)

SwankyPants · 08/12/2023 10:14

I'd uninvite her now for being so rude

5PurpleDinosaurs · 08/12/2023 10:14

I agree with posters who say it sounds like she likes a drama and to keep a focus on herself. I know someone like that. She wants you to run around trying to find out what is wrong. She wants a fuss. And if she falls out with people alot then it sounds like it really is just her.

I would try not to pander to it. Tell her that clearly your mother will be coming to Christmas and she can either deal with that or stay away.

People tiptoe around the most difficult person in the room. Which is why they get away with this shit time and time again.

2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 10:16

I don't see SIL's behaviour as "antics" or that she is playing a "pick me" game. She doesn't want to come to your house for xmas because for some reason she really doesn't like your mother. Other people's parents can be hard work. It was insensitive for her not to just say "no thanks we'll do our own thing this year" but maybe she felt pushed to give a reason. I don't see why this has to destroy the relationship between you. I don't like some of my extended family's relatives but still like the family members.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/12/2023 10:19

Whether her reasons for not wanting to be around your mum are valid or not your sil's approach to this is 100% to shit stir. Don't feed the drama llama. Make it very clear that you're not going to engage with this. That's her choice. If she doesn't want to come then jog on. Grey wall her completely until she's mature enough to tell you exactly what her problem is. This can only create drama and upset if you let it

ExpensiveDecorations · 08/12/2023 10:19

We have a very similar situation. But the person who won’t come has never said it’s specifically because of any one person (I believe it is), they just decline and we leave it at that. Their OH does not come either. We no longer ask them and always spend the day with DParents. Similarly in DH’s family there is one person who won’t spend Christmas with some of the others because one of the others has behaved like an arsehole previously. But it is all dealt with politely and without ultimatum. Your SIL is BU to try and make you choose but she is NBU to stay away because of someone elses’s presence. And she should have agreed with your DB that they would stay away or he go alone before speaking out.

DottieMoon · 08/12/2023 10:24

If it were me, I would be demanding an explanation from SIL and if none was given, then cut all contact.

It is totally unacceptable to request that and put the whole family in the middle with absolutely no reason provided.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/12/2023 10:24

2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 10:16

I don't see SIL's behaviour as "antics" or that she is playing a "pick me" game. She doesn't want to come to your house for xmas because for some reason she really doesn't like your mother. Other people's parents can be hard work. It was insensitive for her not to just say "no thanks we'll do our own thing this year" but maybe she felt pushed to give a reason. I don't see why this has to destroy the relationship between you. I don't like some of my extended family's relatives but still like the family members.

But the grown-up thing to do is just politely decline the invite or suck it up and avoid OP's mum or at the very least give a clear and concise reason that she feels unable to breathe the same air as OP's mum. I can't stand some of my relatives. I'd never make it another relative's problem or drop a bombshell like this. SIL has lit a match just to watch it burn IMO. Really immature behaviour

5PurpleDinosaurs · 08/12/2023 10:30

I agree. I cannot stand one particular aunt. She was violently abusive to my mother (who is younger) and when I was a very small child used to hit me and pinch me and call me nasty things. I won't go into what she did and what her husband did.

When I am (rarely- the family does not get together that often) invited to things that she is attending I say 'thank you but I am afraid I am unable to because [insert made up excuse here] but I hope you have a lovely time'.

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/12/2023 10:30

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/12/2023 23:14

Sorry to hear that; let’s book another day to catch up

Really? There's no way on God's earth I'd be saying that to someone who was trying to insist I tell my elderly parents (because it IS both of them she's demanding the OP bin off from Xmas Day) they're no longer welcome at my house on Xmas Day.

My response would be: don't come, then.