SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

[PerspicaciaTick]

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

“We respect your decision, and maybe we’ll see you in the new year.”
I would be very calm and matter of fact about it.

She refuses to discuss whatever issue she has, so there’s no problem to solve. Your dh should tell his brother to enjoy the holidays and talk another time.

Tell your BIL you're sorry, but you are no longer willing to have his wife around yours for Christmas. Tell him he's still welcome, but his wife isn't. that should emphasise what a horrible thing his wife has done.

^^this

It’s Christmas - if she wants to control the guest list to only invite people she knows then she can host. Or she can pass on a diplomatic message (‘sorry, we fancy a quiet one just the two of us this year etc’). Rather than singling out OP’s mother (because if it was the parents she’s objecting to then surely she’d mention OP’s dad too).

When I grew up my parents would invite elderly neighbours, colleagues etc who were alone for Christmas. Did I as an awkward teen love making small talk with Roger from up the road? No. Did I realise (even as an awkward teen) that I should get over myself and that my parents were doing a nice thing and think about how I’d hate my own granny to be alone on Christmas? Yes. Looking back meeting all those people enhanced my Christmas (I still remember one of the 80-something men hitting on my 90-something next door neighbour and her telling him over the christmas pudding ‘not to be ridiculous as he was far too young for her, what would they possibly talk about’).

You would just decline the invite or put up with it! You wouldn't insist the host's own mother was uninvited lol fucking insane

I wouldn’t bother trying to work out why. If she’s playing silly games by dropping a bomb and not explaining why I would leave her to it.
Don’t reply, don’t engage in conversation about it.

I agree with many on here SIL is being completely unreasonable especially as she is refusing to expand on why she has made this request.

Personally, I would uninvite her for thinking it's acceptable to put the family in that position with explanation as to why. But the more diplomatic approach would be to make clear your mum will be coming and SIL is welcome to join.

You invite whoever you wish to your home with the stipulation that people leave their issues and problems at the front door on their way in and pick them up on their way out!!
Stupid woman!!

If your SIL had a valid (in her head) reason she would have offered it up as way of explanation. Therefore she has no valid reason or her reason is awful (your mum's health possibly). Either way it is irrelevant.

A response along the lines of 'shame you are unable to join us' then carry on with no further discussion.

Clearly she has now damaged your relationship anyway going forward.

This time of year brings out the true nutters.

I’d add a fourth to @Maray1967’s list - she has some twisted logic about it “not being fair” to spend Christmas with your mum on her DH’s family’s turn if she can’t see her own mother. I heard of something similar last year; batshit (as the person hosting can choose who they invite), but that’s what it was about.

I would not pander to her any further. Just tell her you will see her some time in the next year. Issue resolved!

Someone who has the cheekfxxkery to think they get to dictate if a hosts parents can attend something, is in total batshit territory.

The mistake is to engage with this at all.

A simple FINAL acknowledgement that they are not attending and then TOTAL silence is the way to go.

Should she try to rescind her demands, do NOT accept.

You say its best she doesn't attend as you aren't risking any unpleasantness.

You don't negotiate with terrorists like her.

You shut them down firmly and finally.

No engagement whatsoever.

Like dealing with a child.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Always.

I do wonder if she is seeing it as she is the only one in the family who doesn't get to spend Christmas with her mother. For her to do that would mean either not spending it with her DH or her DH not spending it with his family.

Just ignore and move on with your day and life. Leave the drama Queen to sort out her own issues. Tell everyone she said she couldn’t make it.

Of course it's possible that Op's mum has upset SIL in some way.

SIL has solved whatever her reason is by deciding not to go.

"Ok SIL-see you whenever!"

Perhaps she thinks that only parent(s) on one side should be hosted!

Where are her parents?

I think those are the exact words you need to use when you talk to your SIL.

@PerspicaciaTick just ask your dh's sil if she has ordered her christmas turkey yet!! what a cheek she has! what has your bil and mil said about this matter?????

Personally, I'd get my DH to badger his DB to get out of her what her issue is. I wouldn't let that lie I'm afraid. And she wouldn't be welcome round my house at Christmas or at any other time from here on in.

She sounds very much like my 'D'B partner. Absolutely evil.

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it though as this would really bug me!

Sorry for being prickly. This will be the first time in 3 years that mum is well enough to attempt a family Christmas, we've all been excited to be together and SIL has tarnished it with her antics.

So sorry to read this. You sound very balanced and reasonable. When elderly parents reach this stage of their life one always has the 'this could be the final Christmas together' thought lurking in the back of one's mind.

I'm reminded of my own mother's situation when she had cancer and was in her final year. Three of her generation of relatives refused to see her, even for her last Christmas, once it was clear she was dying. My guess is they were living in fear or denial of their own mortality and wanted to pretend that death wasn't going to happen to them. My mum, who was an absolute darling and anxious to make the most of what time she had left, was very hurt and couldn't understand why she was being shunned by people she'd always felt close to.

I wonder if your SIL has MH issues around illness and disability and mortality? I don't think it's that unusual, sadly. What's her relationship like with her own mother? I think I might send her a message in a couple of days that reflects how deeply hurt you are by her behaviour. Something like this, perhaps:

'I feel the need to tell you, SIL, how hurt I am by your suggestion that I should cancel my own mother's invitation to spend Christmas with my family. This will be the first time in three years that she has been well enough to attempt a family Christmas and we've all been excited at the thought of being together. We're not going to allow you to tarnish what will be a lovely time for us. In the new year you and I need to get together so that you can explain your extraordinary demand in a way that I will be able to understand and perhaps forgive.'

I hope you, your parents, your MIL and the rest of your family all have a lovely time together.

Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.

and that is her decision, leave her to it. You host Xmas as you planned. Give into SIL's demands now and this is what it will be like from now on.

Oh gosh, what kind of a toxic game does your SIL think she's playing? Clearly, not one she ever had any hope of winning! She's just being spiteful and nasty for no reason beyond her own amusement.
Your dignified response to her bizarre demand is perfect. Try and put her out of your mind and don't let her spoil your Christmas celebrations. You are right to want to have a lovely Christmas with your "Old Folks" whilst they are still here in body and not just a memory.

I wouldn't send any specific accusing message as you have heard this 3rd hand.

It could well have been a private remark between husband and wife which she assumed would just be presented as a polite decline of invite. (Or she may be an evil bitch)

If my partner had said that to be about not attending an invite I'd have never reported if on, just declined.

Where does that batshitterry end then, with 200 people crammed in a church hall so they can all cling on to their mummies? Or perhaps the two mothers in OP's scenario both get excluded to make SIL comfortable, inviting male parents only.

I would tell BIL that her mysterious request is hurtful and divisive and that given you won't be uninviting your own mother, SIL will have to make other plans for Xmas day.

I would be tempted to send this^reply.
I think whatever happens between people guests can’t put demands on their host. So your SIL is very rude just by the fact of trying it. Considering that it’s your own mum and plus her health issues- it’s absolutely vile behavior from your SIL.
Even if your mum said something at some point which affected SIL badly it didn’t give SIL right to put demands. She could just decline the invite politely, instead she wanted drama. Don’t give it to her.