Acceptable amount for gifts? £

[Spencer0220]

DSis currently has the cold shoulder with me. She has 5 kids.

I don't work, due to disability. DH has a good job, but aside from a small amount of benefits from me, we rely almost exclusively on his salary and we live in the south east commuter belt.

Desperately saving to get on property ladder. Council can't help because DH earns too much. Really limited where we rent as has to be wheelchair accessible and fit a hoist, medical bed etc. and meet OT approval for that.

Luckily 3 years ago we moved into the perfect flat with amazing landlord who has gone literally above and beyond to help me. Never complained when I asked to have adjustments etc. Never minded when he had to pay for urgent work etc.

Our rent went up 21% per month. It's still a good price for what we have. And round here, I cannot find any other landlords willing to take us on, or have a suitable property.

So, to the question. We've never had a budget for niece and nephews. This year, looking at finances, squeezing every last penny and only buying for the 5 kids, DSis, BIL, my mum and two VERY close friends, we have budgeted gifts as follows:

Kids, £20 each.
DSis and BIL: £25 each.
Mum: £15 (the specific item she had her eye on for ages was this much. But she didn't want to buy something frivolous for herself.)
Friends £25 each. This includes posting as neither are local.

Oh and DH and I have a budget of £15 on each other.

No gifts for DH family due to NC.

DSis went nuts today because I said we couldn't afford to go over budget and she said I'm being cheap.

Is £20 really too little? Am I being unfair or unreasonable? Each child has 1 small gift of something I know they want.

Honestly Christmas is stressful enough!

Until last year, we spent about £60 on each person. We simply can't afford to this year.

Hell, we have to choose whether to put the heating on now!

My mum also said I need to spend more on each child.

'I am not being impossible, this is what my budget is'. She sounds like an absolute prick and you can't try to reason with someone so unreasonable, so stop trying to. Keep it factual, nothing she can try to argue against. 'This is what we are spending this year'. She can be a bitch as much as she likes but she doesn't get a vote in how you spend your money!
I think PP's advice about a lovely card to each of the niblings telling them how much you love and appreciate them etc would be a great idea to stop the 'auntie Spencer0220 only spent £20 on you because she doesn't love you more' bullshit. She must be feeding them all sorts of hideous money = love narratives so the more alternative messaging they get, the better.

@PinkArt thank you for making me feel better

Hold onto what everyone here has said, and revisit the thread whenever you need a bit of reassurance. You are doing nothing wrong and it's horrible that your sister is trying to make you feel like you are.

Based on their behaviour I wouldn’t spend a penny on the adults. If you really feel you have to then a £5 box of nice biscuits is plenty more than they deserve. If they want to spend loads of money on gifts that’s their choice.
As a disabled person I understand that having a disability comes with an additional cost that healthy and able-bodied people don’t have to bear. They should at least try to understand that but frankly they are treating you like dirt.
Clearly Christmas to them is all about the consumerism.

£20 is definitely enough for a niece or nephew. Be firm and stick to what’s right for you and your budget.

Thank you. @Pinkkisugarmouse

Our family budget is £10-20 per person. Used to be £10 but we earn a bit more now (though like you, renting and trying to save) and stuff costs more. That's for siblings, parents, neice, nephews. It's only meant to be a token gift, really. We all kind of agreed on it years ago. Birthdays tend to be a bit more, but not much.

You're not cheap at all.

Thank you

The problem is, it hasn't been agreed. Nor will it ever be

Me personally? I'd say that you understand when she says she won't spend on what you've asked for, gifts are about thought and feeling not value and materialism. And that you will buy within your means, and if she can only see your relationship in monetary value, that makes you sad, but she will have to be disappointed by the fact you aren't rich enough for her.

I totally get that you love the children and would miss them, but you can't be held to some impossible ransom, she's literally asking you to buy time with your nieces and nephews if she will withhold them based on the value of your gifts. That's not okay. Don't accept it

Thank you.

But how am I not accepting it by doing my own thing?

Surely not seeing the children is me accepting her terms?

Or, do you mean that by not buying the gift and thus not seeing the children I haven't accepted her terms?

Sorry, confused

I buy no present for nieces and nephews. None.

And I would not be bullied in to it either.

It seems you are finding it hard to say no, which is understandable. Could you get them a family ticket to a show or cinema voucher?

She wouldn't go if I got one

Just imagine a friend or even an acquaintance told you what you have told them.
You would be horrified and angry on their behalf. You would be rooting for them to stop putting up with this.

As a fellow disabled person I can surely say you may have thought because you can’t do many things that other people do without even thinking. That in some way you have to accept less because you feel you give less. I call bulls**t. You actually think a homemade card from you isn’t good enough because you have limited hand movement. It’s worth more because you have to put in more effort to make it.

If you can’t do it for you do it for the people who love you. They don’t deserve to have their loved one be treated like this. My fellow disabled person doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. All the people responding are rooting for you. They don’t want you to be treated like this.

I know it’s hard. I am no contact with family members because of how they treated me. I finally gave up trying when my mother kept arranging to see DD and letting her down at the last minute. Age 11 she said “mum, give up, you keep trying, she doesn’t care and I have had enough, I am giving up caring about Grandma when she doesn’t care about me.”
I was sad but proud. Think about my then 11 year olds strength. She stood up for herself and so should you.
They will never change. You can spend a lifetime hoping and wishing but don’t spend it trying. Life is too short. 💕

Thank you @Pinkkisugarmouse , I needed to read this today

It looks like they’ve spent years relying on you to be the cool rich aunt who buys a big expensive present for the kids. So they’ve probably budgeted that you’ll get the big item for the kids so they don’t have to. There’s no reason to do this. Fuck them and get them something for £10-20.

Thank you

You know my husband made the comment earlier that he has no clue if the kids actually wanted, or Were even interested in, those big ticket items.

Sad.

I spoke to my eldest nephew earlier by chance. And the only thing he talked about when I mentioned Christmas, was which days I would see him.