Acceptable amount for gifts? £

[Spencer0220]

DSis currently has the cold shoulder with me. She has 5 kids.

I don't work, due to disability. DH has a good job, but aside from a small amount of benefits from me, we rely almost exclusively on his salary and we live in the south east commuter belt.

Desperately saving to get on property ladder. Council can't help because DH earns too much. Really limited where we rent as has to be wheelchair accessible and fit a hoist, medical bed etc. and meet OT approval for that.

Luckily 3 years ago we moved into the perfect flat with amazing landlord who has gone literally above and beyond to help me. Never complained when I asked to have adjustments etc. Never minded when he had to pay for urgent work etc.

Our rent went up 21% per month. It's still a good price for what we have. And round here, I cannot find any other landlords willing to take us on, or have a suitable property.

So, to the question. We've never had a budget for niece and nephews. This year, looking at finances, squeezing every last penny and only buying for the 5 kids, DSis, BIL, my mum and two VERY close friends, we have budgeted gifts as follows:

Kids, £20 each.
DSis and BIL: £25 each.
Mum: £15 (the specific item she had her eye on for ages was this much. But she didn't want to buy something frivolous for herself.)
Friends £25 each. This includes posting as neither are local.

Oh and DH and I have a budget of £15 on each other.

No gifts for DH family due to NC.

DSis went nuts today because I said we couldn't afford to go over budget and she said I'm being cheap.

Is £20 really too little? Am I being unfair or unreasonable? Each child has 1 small gift of something I know they want.

Honestly Christmas is stressful enough!

Until last year, we spent about £60 on each person. We simply can't afford to this year.

Hell, we have to choose whether to put the heating on now!

My mum also said I need to spend more on each child.

I would start your own thread , you'll get a much larger response than hooking on someone else's

Say to your sister "it's this, or it's fuck all."

Any complaints: "fuck all it is then."

This isn’t how gifts work, you buy what you want and spend what you can afford, the recipient doesn’t get a say in it.

FWIW all the gifts my kids get from extended family usually cost between £10-£20 per item, and all their aunts and uncles are fairly well off.

Op why did you decide to discuss your budget with your sister? I’d have just bought what I could afford and handed over the presents - no need to talk about it at all.
Now this may well have kicked off a fuss after Christmas but you’d have spent what you could have afforded and saved yourself all this hassle.
No one knows what I will spend on my nieces and nephews (I haven’t decided what to get them yet so I don’t even know 😂) - it’s no one else’s business is it?!

She doesn't accept no and keeps demanding answers.

Reply, on repeat:

I’ve already bought the DC’s gifts.
^^
As you know, I’ve already finished my Christmas shopping.
^^
I’ve bought their presents already.
^^
I’ve told you umpteen times I’ve already bought their presents.

What you shouldn’t do is get into reasons of affordability or anything like that. Do not give her ‘reasons’ that she’ll only argue with anyway. You don’t need to justify yourself to her. Just keep saying you’ve already bought the presents.

I think your DH definitely sounds like a dickhead, is definitely clueless about Christmas hosting and you should put your foot down firmly to say no fucking way, and is potentially financially abusive if you have no money on maternity leave.

Start your own thread and I expect many more posters will tell you similar and hopefully offer advice.

Greedy cow. I'd be buying them a giant jigsaw to share and a chocolate santa each. That's it, I suspect your sister is using family gifts to compensate lack of gifts from her. It's her choice to have 5 children so she needs to pay for them herself.

@Loubelle70 totally my situation. Thank you for sharing.

I think I've already explained before, but my mum has asked for a specific gift that happens to be £15.

The two friends are two non local friends of both DH and I. Both have had the shittiest year and they are both getting a small gift. They were there for us when we needed support.

I should not have to justify two extra gifts.

Congratulations on the twins! Amazing!

Your husband is nuts.

Maternity leave is not for socialising. It's for being a parent.

Tell him to quit the nights out. He has responsibilities too.

Say no to hosting. It's your home too. If he insists, he can do everything.

As everyone has said, your sister is in the wrong here and showing you so little care and respect in the process, which makes me sad for you.

In your situation, I would tell her you won't be exchanging gifts with her and BIL, so that they can divert the money they would have spent on you to their own kids.

I'd be tempted to add a little something extra on for your mum who has clearly been there for you, oven gloves sound wonderful, am only suggesting a bottle of wine or box of chocs.

I would be tempted to drop the kids budget a bit too, or to do book/sweets/creative supplies combos for them all, which you can start as a tradition from now on in.

But then she tells the kids I don't care and don't want to know them.

I'm not local, but gifts are in person.

I'm frantically dreading one of the boys birthdays in January

Yes, but you could still get her something else too. If you don't buy for others then you can spend a little more on her. Return the gifts you bought sister and BIL and only give a £10 note to each of the older children and either a toy or book for each of the twins. Why £25 for each of the friends if you're struggling financially? You could spend £15 and input their address so the store sends the gift straight to them (saves you paying extra for postage).

You mentioned that some birthdays are in January. At least you can shop for these in the sales, either Black Friday or after Christmas.

In your circs I certainly wouldn’t be buying for friends. There would be no offence in telling them nicely that you won’t be doing it any more - so please don’t buy anything for us - finances are just too tight at the moment.
If they do take offence at that, they’re not friends worth hanging on to.

To be fair, I asked her what they were into

Cut the Sis & BIL budget. Why are you budgeting £25 each for them and just £15 for DH, you and mum?

Bottle of wine or something between them.

Your friends I'd have a chat with monies tight and you'd rather go for lunch together than exchange gifts.

Never get pressured into spending more than you can afford.

Your sister is manipulating you through her children if she's going to tell them 'you don't care' if you don't do what she wants.

She's also giving her children a terrible message - people are only worth knowing if they do what you want/buy you expensive stuff.

I really would not be part of these messages.

You buy the children/family what you want to buy and what is within your budget. If the family doesn't appreciate it then that is totally on them.

I would definitely NOT be buying for your sister/BIL.

I can't imagine having 5 children and expecting people to buy gifts for all of them. This is CF next level.

Well, first of all, your sister is very unpleasant for wanting to discuss present budgets - who does that? Just buy some chocolate for the children, and cut out their parents altogether - adults really don't need presents.

So sorry thought I had!

Your sister is manipulative and selfish. With her attitude as nothing is good enough for her precious children I would not get anything. It infuriates me that she is expecting you to spend over your means.

DSis is being unreasonable here.

My DSis has 5 kids also, and DBro has 3. We have 1 🙄

Anyway, we all put our heads together and said it's ridiculous trying to buy all these gifts and spend all this money on each other, so we now just get one "family" present, usually around £50.

So this might be a posh box of chocolates and a board game, but the idea is that it's for ALL of us.

The way your DSis is behaving is incredibly selfish. If she were my sister, she'd be lucky to get a tub of celebrations!

I'm sorry OP. You sister is clearly expecting you to fund her kids' wishlists because she can't. What a grabby, entitled CF. It is not your responsibility to provide for her DC.

I have 6 siblings/siblings-in-law and 6 nieces/nephews. My siblings/siblings-in-law haven't bought for each other since we all started having children - it's expensive enough having multiple children to buy for. And even then we agreed small token gifts only - £5 per child then more for birthdays! I can't every imagine the situation where my own brothers or sisters would want me to do without to provide for their children. There's something really wrong there.

Looking at your list, I would personally be tempted to cut it further. A £15 gift for each child is perfectly reasonable, DSis and BIL can screw themselves if they think they deserve anything after this 'performance'. If you can rise above it, a £20 joint present is fine.

But your sister sounds like a dreadful person taking advantage of you like this.

You are being very generous OP. I can hardly believe your sister's attitude.

@CoffeeChocolateWine thank you. Unfortunately all gifts for DSis and BIL already bought and not returnable.

I don't know how to handle her next year. She's going to be so nasty