Acceptable amount for gifts? £

[Spencer0220]

DSis currently has the cold shoulder with me. She has 5 kids.

I don't work, due to disability. DH has a good job, but aside from a small amount of benefits from me, we rely almost exclusively on his salary and we live in the south east commuter belt.

Desperately saving to get on property ladder. Council can't help because DH earns too much. Really limited where we rent as has to be wheelchair accessible and fit a hoist, medical bed etc. and meet OT approval for that.

Luckily 3 years ago we moved into the perfect flat with amazing landlord who has gone literally above and beyond to help me. Never complained when I asked to have adjustments etc. Never minded when he had to pay for urgent work etc.

Our rent went up 21% per month. It's still a good price for what we have. And round here, I cannot find any other landlords willing to take us on, or have a suitable property.

So, to the question. We've never had a budget for niece and nephews. This year, looking at finances, squeezing every last penny and only buying for the 5 kids, DSis, BIL, my mum and two VERY close friends, we have budgeted gifts as follows:

Kids, £20 each.
DSis and BIL: £25 each.
Mum: £15 (the specific item she had her eye on for ages was this much. But she didn't want to buy something frivolous for herself.)
Friends £25 each. This includes posting as neither are local.

Oh and DH and I have a budget of £15 on each other.

No gifts for DH family due to NC.

DSis went nuts today because I said we couldn't afford to go over budget and she said I'm being cheap.

Is £20 really too little? Am I being unfair or unreasonable? Each child has 1 small gift of something I know they want.

Honestly Christmas is stressful enough!

Until last year, we spent about £60 on each person. We simply can't afford to this year.

Hell, we have to choose whether to put the heating on now!

My mum also said I need to spend more on each child.

£20 for kids that are not yours is absolutely fine! That could even get them two toys. If they are old enough check out the games/ toys in b&m 2 for £12. Don't forget Amazon have Black Friday coming up soon and check if they have vouches on them to get things at a reduced price too. (This might be ideal for your friends as if you have prime you won't need to pay postage)

Firstly, I feel for you that you feel so bad when it’s your sister that’s been totally unreasonable. You simply can’t spend what you don’t have; does she want you in debt for her kids?

Giving a gift is just that, it’s not an obligation or ransom.

We actually don’t buy for sibling adults/ aunts and uncles (besides our parents and grandparents) because there’s also masses of kids. So maybe suggest IF you wanted to increase the kids budget that you take from sister and brother in law to find that money. But to be honest I think £25 is plenty and it’s the thought that counts ultimately and I’d seriously begrudge buying my sister something when she’d been so nasty.

I agree with everyone else. Your sister sounds awful & greedy.
This needs to be the year she finds out it's not all about her & her family. If that means tantrums then so be it.
Of course £20 is enough & I'd be spending less than that! Wishing you luck OP.

a family present ie a hamper sounds perfect

What will your sister do if you don't obey these bizarre rules she is setting for what you should buy her and her kids?.stop talking to you? Doesn't sound like a loss.

I know families have different rules and ways of organising things, so maybe I am wrong, but to me this idea of knowing in advance what you are spending on her children, dictating that it has to be certain things and not others, etc, is controlling and highly unusual. Also the thing about gifts for the pets. How does she announce these things? "Oh, and I will be expecting gifts for my cat and dog too, don't forget those." Does she say it over dinner? On a family WhatsApp? Either way she sounds mad.

Thank you!

One friend is a handmade gift.

Bloody hell, we have a £20/25 budget on nieces and nephews and we don't really need to budget - we just don't deem it necessary to spend anymore!

Your sister should be ashamed of herself.

My sister and I have always spent around £20 on each others kids. This year we've decided not to bother at all, just seems a waste when the kids get so much anyway.

Firstly, I feel for you that you feel so bad when it’s your sister that’s been totally unreasonable. You simply can’t spend what you don’t have; does she want you in debt for her kids?

In a word: yes.

Just so you know. I am privileged and fairly well off.
I wouldn't spend more than £20/£25 on nieces and nephew unless they are a godchild.

It is bot me being greedy or tight. It is just that it is about the intention and in the history of time spoiling children has never been a good thing.

I would get things like lego set, art set... something nice but very reasonable.

Thank you! Almost everything is bought or I'd take the suggestion of a family gift

How does your sister know your budget? Just don't discuss anything with her, buy the presents you can afford and give on the day. Reduces her opportunity to complain.

If she gives suggestions say you're all sorted thank you.

If she asks what you've bought, say it's a surprise.

If she feels you're not spending enough on your DM, suggest you stop buying sibling presents for each other to increase budget for mum.

If she's always so unkind consider reducing contact and buy a small family present next year as suggested and be done with them.

Greedy mare.

In this situation I would put £10 in a money wallet for each child. Don't overstretch yourselves.

Cut out gifting with your own siblings, just give to the DC. Saves a fortune.

@Sommerled I wish I was strong enough back in October when all this madness started!

She doesn't accept no and keeps demanding answers. And yet we can't select what she buys us!

My brother buys my kids a couple of books each. They think he's brilliant!

Your sister chose to have a large family. She has to understand that splits the budget between more people.

Sadly some people think they deserve presents and kick off if you change the status quo. I stopped buying so much...like yourself, i bought for a lot of people..rarely a ty either, they bought cheapest thing (if and all) for me/my daughter but expected top notch presents from me and at the time they were on 3x wage i was!. This isnt about money, its about entitlement. I had conversations with most adults in family that i was no longer buying adults, the only one objected was sister...the person who bought a 2.99 bottle wine for me but expected £40 present back...called me miserable..(emotional blackmail)...that was my decision.. very welcome to come for a drink at Xmas but it's only the kids getting. I certainly wouldn't get the cats n dogs. I understand that youve done it for years...i did...but people didn't appreciate ME nm the presents. If they dont like it, well that's tough.

Wow 😮 so you're buying for 7 in her household and she is complaining that you're not spending more!!!

I'd not buy for the adults and £20 is more than enough for kids. Even a selection box would suffice.

She is greedy!!!

I would be firm and go back:

"D"Sis, we won't do any adult presents apart from one for mum.
Please send us recommendations for each child up to £20/each by Sunday. Otherwise we will choose something ourselves. A family gift is difficult with that age range.

Give your mum her present on her own when she comes over. Btw, I love my silicon oven gloves I got a couple of years back for Christmas from DH.

And spend the money you save on your DH and yourself.

The acceptable amount is what you can afford… I will hate to think someone was going without to get me or my kids a gift. My kids would be perfectly happy with a fiver in a card or their favourite chocs (as would I tbf!)

I gave my kids activity ‘vouchers’ and they’ve asked if we can do the same this year. My brother does this for them to and better still he comes with us (sometimes means we don’t go till summer but who cares!)

We give to our DPs and the DC and that is it. No one else. DH and I gift each other £15 Christmas present. Very small thing to open in front of the DC.

Your sister needs to get a grip. Most people are struggling. Christmas is not worth getting into debt for!

Kids, £20 each.
DSis and BIL: £25 each.
Mum: £15 (the specific item she had her eye on for ages was this much. But she didn't want to buy something frivolous for herself.)
Friends £25 each. This includes posting as neither are local.

Why do you spend so much on other people but only £15 on your mum? How many friends are you buying for? Text your friends and say you're only doing cards this year and not presents - as in you don't want to receive or give any.

Don't buy anything for your sister or her husband. Stick £10 into a card for each of the 2 older children. Buy a toy or book for each of the toddler twins.

So basically just buy for your mum and the 4 children. Spend more on your mum because you won't be spending any money on your friends, sister and her husband.

After 7 years of infertility/miscarriages my miracle twins were born 13 weeks ago. Since then my husband and I seem to arguing so much more and Christmas seems to be a big issue that keeps being bought up.

Firstly, my husband wanted both sides of family round on Xmas day and for us to host. He says as it’s the twins first Christmas everyone should be together. That would mean 8 adults and 2 infants, plus a cat and a dog that hate each other. Recently I am getting totally overstimulated and stressed by even 2 people coming over, let alone 8. I know that I would end up being very stressed for weeks before and be hosting/cooking/tidying rather than spending quality time with the twins. I've said I'm sure we can host next year, but he’s adamant that it should be for their first christmas. Am I wrong in not wanting to host Christmas for the grandparents?

The second issue is about Christmas presents. I am on maternity leave so my money is limited. We tried to suggest secret Santa to my family but I was outnumbered and the idea was shot down. My husband is adamant that we buy no gifts for them (not even £20-£25, but yet is still happy to go on days/nights out with friends. I am desperately trying to save money as I want to buy my family a token gift, so I have said no to attending my work Xmas party and other social ‘luxuries’ so that i can afford to buy some gifts. He says I have my morals wrong and that the point of maternity is to socialise and if i want to buy gifts for my immediate family during this time then i have my priorities wrong and that I am prioritising my family over him. what do you think?

I can't believe she's moaning! Some people can't afford to even get much for the people who live with them. She's being very ungrateful and I would only be buying for the kids.

@Spencer0220 can you return the gifts and just do the family present this year?

Also, are you giving these presents in person or sending them via mail? If it’s by mail then you don’t have to worry about facing her reaction even more so. I’d return what you can in either case and buy less expensive gifts. It’s not out of spite but as a readjustment considering your budget. No matter what, don’t give your sister a gift receipt! She’d likely return all of them for cash ungratefully!