Am I selfish for inviting my family over on Christmas Day?

[Poshpaddington]

I know Christmas is still a few months away but starting to plan now.

back story: me & DP have been together for 10 years. We alternate Christmas Day with our families so one year we will see my family on Christmas Day and my in-laws on Boxing Day, then do the opposite the following year.

my siblings: older sister is 40 years old, younger sister is 34 years old & brother is 30 years old.
none of them have children.
both sisters live in their own houses, both 10 minutes from my house. My brother still lives at my mum & dads house with his partner.

problem: me & DP offered to host Christmas for my family 2 years ago - I was met with a phone call off my mum saying “your siblings say no, dad said absolutely no way and I’m being selfish asking Dad to drive everyone to my house”.
I live a 5 minute drive from my mum & dads house.
Last year we hosted my in-laws & SIL, BIL & neices.
We went to my parents for Boxing Day, they turned down our invite to our house.

We invited my family to our house for Christmas Day this year but they have all messaged me saying I’m being selfish. My mum said that we won’t be having Christmas at my house until my brother moves out. (He has no plans as of yet to move out).
My Dad doesn’t drink so he ends up picking up my brothers partner from her house every Christmas Day as she has been drinking, and picks up & drops home my sisters to their houses. Me & DP always either walk back or one of us doesn’t drink and drives back.
They’ve all said I’m selfish making Dad drive to my house, 5 mins from his on Christmas Day!!
I have offered to pick them all up & drop them back, as I won’t be drinking for medical reasons.

My mum rang me this morning saying that I’m ruining their Christmas, nobody feels comfortable in my house and I need to stop inviting them and putting them in that position.

I got upset and rang DP who said we should just not see my family and host his family on Christmas Day. But I’m worried it will cause more trouble with my family doing that. (They already get annoyed & remind me every year that Christmas is ruined for them when I see my in-laws and not them).

Sorry for the long post!! I wanted to give lots of details so you can help / advise me. I feel so deflated now.

On the face of it, your family would appear to be bonkers. Why do they not feel comfortable in your house and why is it OK for you to travel to them but not vice versa? Plus, you've offered to provide a taxi service for them all.

If they turn down your invitation, they can't then complain that you've ruined their Christmas by hosting your in-laws. Why wouldn't you want a turn at hosting Christmas in your own home?

I think your DP is right FWIW.

Well, first of all, your brother’s partner could make her own way to your house, but, yeah, your parents are arseholes.

Yes I agree with your DH, surround yourselves with happiness on Christmas Day! Your family Sound a bit of a nightmare tbh! I’d stop inviting them on Christmas Day with all the moaning, it’s not you ruining Xmas day it’s them!

Think you have come up with the fairest way to spend Christmas with both parts of your family. Your family seem to be throwing this back in your face.
I'm baffled by the idea that you are ruining Christmas by offering to host! There has to be more to it that your T-Total dad driving.....

God, now's your chance to say "that's fine, I understand that you want your home comforts at Christmas - so do we, of course, so let's just arrange a lovely lunch together in the New Year!"

It’s a weird reaction from them especially as hosting is quite hard work so you’d think they’d be glad but I’m not sure why you’re so bothered about them coming to you and why you can’t just go to theirs

I'd be telling them all to fuck off quite frankly! What a bunch of self important aresholes.
Never invite them again, anywhere, to anything.

Jesus christ.

Is the problem that your dad has to be the taxi service?

Do they want to see you at Christmas but just on their terms (presumably with your parents hosting at their house)?

I can sort of understand this, although obviously you’re not selfish or unreasonable for offering to host. It should have been a calm discussion about who would like to host this year and where would be easiest/most convenient for everyone. They sound very difficult and prone to drama/over-reacting unless there is a lot of backstory that hasn’t been included.

Or do they not want to do Christmas together but also don’t want you to see your in-laws either (because that’s batshit!)

No you're not being selfish. A (more mean) version of Monica from Friends comes to mind, she always has to be the host.

It's likely she is uncomfortable with the shift of her children being the adults, and no longer being head of the household (it will be tied up in those sort of emotions anyway).

I would offer to host them and if not you and DP do your own thing, I think inviting DPs family will cause additional grief so I wouldn't do that.

Imo you invite the ones who make Christmas a Christmas. The rest can fuck off.

On the face of it, your parents sound mental.

What reason do they give for not being comfortable at your house? Do you have a huge dog or something?

Have you actually asked your brother and sister , who live independently, what they want?
It seems it just your mum dictating.
Your db who lives with them obviously has to toe the line.
Otherwise, as everyone has said , you can't win.
And a simple 'no thank you ' is all that's required.
Is your mum always this dramatic?
Do as your dh says and ignore them.
You can't do right for doing wrong.
So f* em.
Your house is fine for your in-laws.

I think they're uncomfortable with the move to your house. Christmas is all about traditions, isn't it, and I think they don't want to make the change of moving from your childhood home (even though it's more work for your mum).

Obviously you're not being selfish unless you're nag, nag, nag about it? I think sometimes it can be hard in this sort of situation. One year, I was in your position, asked family around to ours for Christmas day. They humed and hawed, didn't want to say no outright. I said I didn't mind, just needed to know. Still no reply. I had accepted they weren't coming when at the last minute they said they were. But I think they really only accepted for my sake. All very confusing and it was a bit upsetting too, but in hindsight I think it was a mistake to ask them as they really didn't want to do things differently and I was just upsetting the applecart.

In your place I'd just give in graciously unless you want bad feeling with your family over Christmas. I'd go to your parents on the day and I'd maybe do a family get together some other time over Christmas if you'd like to host them in your house.

They just don't want to mess with their traditional Christmas, that's all.

I think they're uncomfortable with the move to your house. Christmas is all about traditions, isn't it, and I think they don't want to make the change of moving from your childhood home (even though it's more work for your mum).

That. Your siblings want Christmas at your mum's. Your mum wants to have them. That's how it's always been and you're the only one wanting something different.

The way they're reacting, and their excuses, are very dramatic and illogical. But I'm afraid you don't get to decide where your parents and all your siblings get to have Christmas day

And that's why they're upset when you're at your ILs for Christmas too. They want you there, in your old home.
I'd go to theirs this year OP. As you all grow older things will inevitably change, but for now I'd leave things as they are.

Having just had the hugest barney with my DH last night about Christmas, I readily confess I opened this to see what people think. But even our argument wasn't as mental as someone accusing someone else of being selfish for inviting family over! It's an invitation! How can it be selfish to extend an invitation??

thank you for your responses so far, I’m glad I’m not being selfish! I’m an over thinker so because I’ve been told I was selfish by my family I literally started to believe it. So I’m glad I’m not :)

house: my parents house is on the smaller side - so there’s 9 of us, fitting around a 6 seater table. Me & DP have to bring our own chairs.
No problem, Christmas is all about these cramped conditions in your memories.
They also only have 2 x 2 seater sofas and not enough space on their living room for all the dining room chairs so me & DP end up sharing a chair. This usually means me sat on his lap (like a child) or one of us stands the majority of the time.
Mine & DH is a little bigger and we can fit everyone around our dining table plus the living area has a sofa suit that sits 8 people so I just bring my chair in.
Unfortunately my family only come to my house every so often - none of them have been here in over a year. We always end up going to there’s as they always have an excuse not to come.
They have said our house is too clean.
me & DP don’t have any weird house rules or anything like that!

Dad’s taxi: so Dad is t-total so always offers to drive everyone. So he will pick my 2 sisters up from their separate houses & bring them back to his house. He’ll then drop my bothers partner to her parents house (30 mins away) as my brother & his partner can’t do it themselves due to drinking.

He will drop 1 sister home in the evening and then pick up my brothers partner. He will then drop my other sister home late at night. When we do Christmas with them I make a point of driving myself (I do offer them a lift with me).

Unfortunately my family communicate by shouting at each other. Especially my sisters. So what would normally be a normal discussion with any normal person ends up with my mum & sisters shouting & storming out. Last year on Boxing Day, me & DP walked in whilst they were fully in world war 3, because mum put the potatoes in the oven too early (oh dear).

I’m the opposite, I don’t say boo to anyone. Which is why I got upset, rather that saying anything back to them.

Perhaps it's not so much that they are uncomfortable at yours more that they are more comfortable t your Mum & Dad's?

Your mum sounds bloody horrible though.

Why can't she just say "thanks but no thanks let's leave things as they are"?

You're not allowed to host until your brother moves out?

Why I wonder-how does that change things?

I don't think I'd ever be offering again tbh-too much drama & insults!

What exactly is it that they want? Do they even know?

My family hated the fact I saw my in-laws on Christmas. I have them 6 months notice the first year we chose to do alternative Christmases and I had and earful from my mum & sister. Dad stopped talking to me for a month.

I was living with my in-laws for 3 years too.

I think mum is feeling a little like times are changing which I feel sad for as obviously everyone wants things to always be the same.

How can this possibly be okay, though? How can it be okay for one spouse's parents to dictate where their adult child and her husband spend their Christmas each year? And that if they don't get their way, they strop?

As for "as you all grow older things will inevitably change", let me be the first to say that I'm almost 50, one child will be gone to university before I know it, and I'm still waiting.

Fuck. That.

Your parents sound very ungrateful. You could perhaps do what we used to do when we had kids (we're grandparents now), and that was to have Christmas day on our own, with our kids, then see in-laws and/or parents on Boxing day.

My DP said this!

They are being g weird and controlling.

Just say. You are all invited Christmas day.

If they refuse Just say we'll have a lovely day and see you boxing day or something

That's our plan