Am I selfish for inviting my family over on Christmas Day?

[Poshpaddington]

I know Christmas is still a few months away but starting to plan now.

back story: me & DP have been together for 10 years. We alternate Christmas Day with our families so one year we will see my family on Christmas Day and my in-laws on Boxing Day, then do the opposite the following year.

my siblings: older sister is 40 years old, younger sister is 34 years old & brother is 30 years old.
none of them have children.
both sisters live in their own houses, both 10 minutes from my house. My brother still lives at my mum & dads house with his partner.

problem: me & DP offered to host Christmas for my family 2 years ago - I was met with a phone call off my mum saying “your siblings say no, dad said absolutely no way and I’m being selfish asking Dad to drive everyone to my house”.
I live a 5 minute drive from my mum & dads house.
Last year we hosted my in-laws & SIL, BIL & neices.
We went to my parents for Boxing Day, they turned down our invite to our house.

We invited my family to our house for Christmas Day this year but they have all messaged me saying I’m being selfish. My mum said that we won’t be having Christmas at my house until my brother moves out. (He has no plans as of yet to move out).
My Dad doesn’t drink so he ends up picking up my brothers partner from her house every Christmas Day as she has been drinking, and picks up & drops home my sisters to their houses. Me & DP always either walk back or one of us doesn’t drink and drives back.
They’ve all said I’m selfish making Dad drive to my house, 5 mins from his on Christmas Day!!
I have offered to pick them all up & drop them back, as I won’t be drinking for medical reasons.

My mum rang me this morning saying that I’m ruining their Christmas, nobody feels comfortable in my house and I need to stop inviting them and putting them in that position.

I got upset and rang DP who said we should just not see my family and host his family on Christmas Day. But I’m worried it will cause more trouble with my family doing that. (They already get annoyed & remind me every year that Christmas is ruined for them when I see my in-laws and not them).

Sorry for the long post!! I wanted to give lots of details so you can help / advise me. I feel so deflated now.

This sounds strange. Is there any reason why they don't feel comfortable at your house (apart from the extra 5 minutes driving issue)? You haven't mentioned this option but could you celebrate Christmas at your parents house? I've hosted for the last few years and the thought of someone else hosting is bliss!!
Why does it have to be only Christmas at your house or you don't see your family? Or are you now too fed up to see them anyway?

Sorry, seen your update that their house is cramped. You're not being selfish!

If she wants to host them and make them feel comfortable in her home she would be better working on this on less pressured dates throughout the year.

From the OP's 2nd post: Unfortunately my family only come to my house every so often - none of them have been here in over a year. We always end up going to there’s as they always have an excuse not to come.

I'm struggling to see what else the OP can do with a family who can't seem make the effort with her. I mean, a month of not speaking to her for spending a Christmas with the in-laws is bizarre behaviour, don't you think?

I'm struggling to see what else the OP can do with a family who can't seem make the effort with her.

Maybe nothing, there is something where they don't feel comfortable at her house. Maybe it is just the dynamics of her family, OP will know better than anyone else if it is something she can work on, but if it is just dynamics and family preference for their parents being the "family home base" for family get togethers for her own sake she is better either not taking offence and letting it go or make the decision to keep them at arms length which seems a shame to lose family over something so petty.

I am assuming as they go to the parents house they don't go to other siblings houses either, so it might not even been personal to the OP.

Taxis generally run in Christmas Day...
If you want Christmas at home and have even invited everyone else so they can join you, and they don't want to, have it without them.

Your family are like a carbon copy of mine! Every time to hy cone here, they can't wait to leave!

It's gone to the point I stop putting in the effort.

Last Christmas i hosted them for a pre Christmas buffet. I spent a small fortune and slaved in the kitchen for 4 hours putting on an impressive spread.

They came, and left after 45 minutes claiming they had 'things to do. This evening was planned and in the diaries for WEEKS in advance. It hurt me.

This year, I'm not even inviting them around. If they want to pop by, they are welcome, but I'm not putting and physical or financial effort into hosting them.

Your family sound like a**holes and like they want any excuse NOT to come to yours but to find a way to MOAN about it.

Sounds crap for you.

There is obviously some back story or issues as you flew the nest and have a family...

Do what makes YOU happy- even if it ends up NC you'd probably have more peace!

I’m seeing this from different povs. My family home was messy, chaotic, frankly dirty and my dm always insists that clean and tidy homes are uncomfortable, unwelcoming eg . The gaslighting was strong, but our house wasn’t comfortable or welcoming, and Christmas was a bit joyless. Our annual traditions were watching my dps have the same rows, on cue, year in year out.

I’m the soft, compliant one in the family, and that’s probably why DH’s culture and expectations have rubbed off on me. I know my family aren’t exactly comfortable in my house at Christmas - they can’t row and sulk in peace, for one thing. It’s awkward. It’s also awkward if we go to theirs because, even after 15 years, dh is still a guest and they’re on their best behaviour around him.

I don’t particularly enjoy Christmas with my in laws either, even though there’s nothing actually objectionable. Mil can be tricky but that’s just our personalities not quite gelling. But they’re so much easier to host than mine because there isn’t this huge difference in how they behave day to day.

I can see why your family might prefer their chaotic, cozy, traditional version of Christmas. They’re rude, but they’re also entitled to want what they want. Putting pressure on you, as an adult with a partner and in-laws is unreasonable (are you the first to fly the best?). They’ve made it clear that Christmas at your dps is their bottom line, now it’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do.

I think when I became an adult I really wanted to “fix” Christmas but it’s not that simple. But it’s worth thinking about what you want and why - what feelings are you trying to evoke? And how else can you achieve those things?

Take time to mull these things over. Don’t have a knee jerk reaction, and don’t feel you have to comply (you’re an adult and you don’t need their approval) so take time to figure out what’s important and what aligns with your values and go from there.

I agree with your DH maybe host his parents instead! Your definitely not being selfish offering to host and if they turn you down that’s their decision not yours which you can remind them if they have a problem with you about it.

All you need to remember is that your family are not very nice to you no matter what you do so you might as well do what you want, make happy memories with your own little family and let them crack on with the way they want it.
Sadly, you do appear to be the family punchbag. Take back control and do what makes you and your husband happy.

Your family really don’t sound particularly nice.
You are an adult & in charge of your own life.
I think you should tell your family that it’s their choice. Either come to yours & be pleasant or stay in their own home.
Be assertive. It isn’t the end of the world not to spend Christmas Day with your family.

It sounds like we have a copy & paste family!!

it’s horrible isn’t it, I just don’t understand how people, especially family, can act like this.

I’m so sorry you went through so much effort, time & money for your family to be so ungrateful & hurtful.
I would have been so upset, deflated & disappointed.
I think you are doing the right thing by not putting in the physical effort this year, I hope you are much happier!! ❤️

I think you should stop yourself the heartbreak of inviting them and spend Christmas where you feel most comfortable

Your family sound horrible. I would rejoice that they turned down the invitation. But no, womanly martyr guilt wins out.