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Original poster

Am I selfish for inviting my family over on Christmas Day?

114 replies

Poshpaddington · 12/10/2023 14:15

I know Christmas is still a few months away but starting to plan now.

back story: me & DP have been together for 10 years. We alternate Christmas Day with our families so one year we will see my family on Christmas Day and my in-laws on Boxing Day, then do the opposite the following year.

my siblings: older sister is 40 years old, younger sister is 34 years old & brother is 30 years old.
none of them have children.
both sisters live in their own houses, both 10 minutes from my house. My brother still lives at my mum & dads house with his partner.

problem: me & DP offered to host Christmas for my family 2 years ago - I was met with a phone call off my mum saying “your siblings say no, dad said absolutely no way and I’m being selfish asking Dad to drive everyone to my house”.
I live a 5 minute drive from my mum & dads house.
Last year we hosted my in-laws & SIL, BIL & neices.
We went to my parents for Boxing Day, they turned down our invite to our house.

We invited my family to our house for Christmas Day this year but they have all messaged me saying I’m being selfish. My mum said that we won’t be having Christmas at my house until my brother moves out. (He has no plans as of yet to move out).
My Dad doesn’t drink so he ends up picking up my brothers partner from her house every Christmas Day as she has been drinking, and picks up & drops home my sisters to their houses. Me & DP always either walk back or one of us doesn’t drink and drives back.
They’ve all said I’m selfish making Dad drive to my house, 5 mins from his on Christmas Day!!
I have offered to pick them all up & drop them back, as I won’t be drinking for medical reasons.

My mum rang me this morning saying that I’m ruining their Christmas, nobody feels comfortable in my house and I need to stop inviting them and putting them in that position.

I got upset and rang DP who said we should just not see my family and host his family on Christmas Day. But I’m worried it will cause more trouble with my family doing that. (They already get annoyed & remind me every year that Christmas is ruined for them when I see my in-laws and not them).

Sorry for the long post!! I wanted to give lots of details so you can help / advise me. I feel so deflated now.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 13/10/2023 15:08

Your family say you are being selfish by inviting them?

Simple solution, stop being “selfish” accept them declining the invitation and never invite them again. If they kick off over you spending Christmas with DP’s family remind them they declined your invitation, wish them a Merry Christmas, and don’t let them guilt you.

Blanketpolicy · 13/10/2023 15:30

So you alternate Christmas with your family. All your family prefer to have it at your parents house, everyone else wants it at your parents house and you are the only one that wants it at yours?

Practicalities aside, they ALL feel more comfortable at your parents. They feel uncomfortable at yours.

They might not be articulating they want it at your parents well, but why do you think they should all move to your house if they all don't want too - just for a seat?

Unfortun8 · 13/10/2023 15:52

Very odd. Anyone can go anywhere at Christmas. I've done it here for decades and very pleased my daughter (who is on Mumsnet and probably reading this) is hosting this year. I fight for the right not to host it and am extremely grateful to get a break.

doitwithlove · 13/10/2023 15:56

I would leave them all to get on with it, these are grown up people bickering over whose doing what.

Enjoy your Christmas OP with your family, if the in-laws can join you on the day then great.

Catch up with your siblings & mum/dad whenever it suits them.

Life is too short for over analysing.

coolkatt · 13/10/2023 16:59

TomatoSandwiches · 12/10/2023 14:34

I'd be telling them all to fuck off quite frankly! What a bunch of self important aresholes.
Never invite them again, anywhere, to anything.

Jesus christ.

yip, absolute assholes and the excuses are pathetic. they are taking the piss out u and frankly don't sound stable.

ButterCrackers · 13/10/2023 17:05

You invited them and they said no because of unkind reasons. I’d say to move on and invite your PIL and this family. Don’t bother going round to your parents on Boxing Day. Enjoy time with your own family.

Pinkshoppingbag · 13/10/2023 17:56

I get they don't want to change things but they're going a weird way about it! Not speaking to you is arsehole abusive behaviour. I would do what you want to do and NOT what you think will make them happy. If you want to host your in laws, do it.

xyz111 · 13/10/2023 18:37

Sorry Op your family sound awful. I don't understand why they're being so horrible.

Fluffypuppy1 · 13/10/2023 20:20

Just do want you and your DP want to do. You’re not living with your parents anymore so don’t have to do what they want you to. YANBU to not want to spend Christmas day sat on your DP’s lap. The selfish accusations are weird. Do your two sisters also want to host so are put out that you want to do it?

Climbingthehillfast · 14/10/2023 07:24

Your family are weird. But why not have a Christmas day at home with just your immediate family for a change?

ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 07:35

They are mental. Have a nice Christmas at home.

Flintwhistle · 14/10/2023 07:37

Blanketpolicy · 13/10/2023 15:30

So you alternate Christmas with your family. All your family prefer to have it at your parents house, everyone else wants it at your parents house and you are the only one that wants it at yours?

Practicalities aside, they ALL feel more comfortable at your parents. They feel uncomfortable at yours.

They might not be articulating they want it at your parents well, but why do you think they should all move to your house if they all don't want too - just for a seat?

Edited

So do you think that it's ok for @Poshpaddington to have to stand up or sit on her husband's lap? Might be ok if they were all warm and friendly and OP loved going there. Personally I think she's best off out of it, but with a family that behaves like that to decline to go would probably cause more conflict.
It's not surprising a lot of us hate Christmas!

Blanketpolicy · 14/10/2023 13:53

Flintwhistle · 14/10/2023 07:37

So do you think that it's ok for @Poshpaddington to have to stand up or sit on her husband's lap? Might be ok if they were all warm and friendly and OP loved going there. Personally I think she's best off out of it, but with a family that behaves like that to decline to go would probably cause more conflict.
It's not surprising a lot of us hate Christmas!

Show quote history

That is her choice. She or her dh could do what thousands of people do over Christmas such as sit on the floor in front of the chair.

Everyone else is happy, everyone else has a strong preferrence to spend it at the parents house. So she gets to choose, go and spend time with your family where the majority want to go or throw your toys out the pram because no one else wants what you want.

It is the difference between a democracy and a dictatorship. OP wants to be the dictator.

Flintwhistle · 14/10/2023 14:11

Hmmm, yet it's OP who is expected to stand, or share a chair....

Inviting them is not being a dictator, but it seems that OP does not feel that there is another option, which is just doing her own thing with her DH at Christmas.
She's been told she's ruined Christmas when she doesn't go. Not sure that @Poshpaddington is the dictator here!

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 14/10/2023 14:53

Just give them a couple of days to confirm that they're not coming then wish them well and book a holiday.

Honestly, all this faff about one day in late December is madness.

Gettingbysomehow · 14/10/2023 14:56

Stop dancing around your family. I stopped that thankless game years ago.
have a lovely Christmas on your own and do what you want.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/10/2023 15:40

Blanketpolicy · 13/10/2023 15:30

So you alternate Christmas with your family. All your family prefer to have it at your parents house, everyone else wants it at your parents house and you are the only one that wants it at yours?

Practicalities aside, they ALL feel more comfortable at your parents. They feel uncomfortable at yours.

They might not be articulating they want it at your parents well, but why do you think they should all move to your house if they all don't want too - just for a seat?

Edited

This
Nobody has to come to your house. Its fine to offer but everyone else wants to stay at your mom's. That's it...end of story. Its very common for people to want to keep Christmas the same.
If you keep using they are going to make more and more ridiculous excuses.

What about next year when you have your inlaws? Are your folks forced back into their own tiny house?
My dps never wanted to leave their own house as they had no leftovers the next day and the house was a bit bleak...they did it once.
It's your choice where you go but l would respect their wishes.

NyanBinaryJohn · 14/10/2023 15:53

They might not be articulating they want it at your parents well, but why do you think they should all move to your house if they all don't want too - just for a seat?

Not articulating it well?

That's one hell of an understatement and not at all how anyone would interpret the words "you're being selfish expecting your dad do drive everyone to your house" for a 5 min journey and that in itself being his own choice.

"We'd like to invite you all for Christmas"
"Thank you, but we'd rather continue with the tradition of having it at our place if that is ok"

That would be a normal response.

Not talking to an adult child for a month for daring to spend alternate Christmases at the in-laws is not the behaviour of sane people.

"Not articulating it well" my arse.

Enko · 14/10/2023 16:09

Dd1 is spending this Christmas at almost 26 with her boyfriends family. It will be our first without her. It would never have occurred to me to tell her i was upset or put any pressure on her. It's time for them to make their traditions and we will find our new ones.

Blanketpolicy · 14/10/2023 16:18

NyanBinaryJohn · 14/10/2023 15:53

They might not be articulating they want it at your parents well, but why do you think they should all move to your house if they all don't want too - just for a seat?

Not articulating it well?

That's one hell of an understatement and not at all how anyone would interpret the words "you're being selfish expecting your dad do drive everyone to your house" for a 5 min journey and that in itself being his own choice.

"We'd like to invite you all for Christmas"
"Thank you, but we'd rather continue with the tradition of having it at our place if that is ok"

That would be a normal response.

Not talking to an adult child for a month for daring to spend alternate Christmases at the in-laws is not the behaviour of sane people.

"Not articulating it well" my arse.

And you don't think that is in response to the OP pushing and pushing and asking for reasons why not, giving reasons why it would be better at her house and not just respecting that everyone just wants it at their parents house. They don't mind it is smaller, they don't mind sitting on the floor or squeezing around the table, they prefer it. They shouldn't have to keep coming up with reasons to justify it.

NyanBinaryJohn · 14/10/2023 18:10

Where do you get the idea the OP is pushing and pushing? Her explaining here the differences between her parents' house and her house on MN ≠ pushing.

GettingStuffed · 14/10/2023 20:06

This is rediculous, sounds like my Aunt who would insist on staying home for Christmas and never wanted visitors until Boxing Day.

thecatinthetwat · 14/10/2023 20:20

Is this coming from your siblings via your parents? I used to go to my parents for Christmas (pre-kids), but I wouldn’t want to go to siblings’ house. I guess it’s because my parents home used to be mine too, but siblings’ never was.

Nothing wrong with inviting them, but it does make you the centre and perhaps a bit off for everyone else.

I think if you now choose your in-laws instead because they will accommodate your preference that would be unreasonable.

Flintwhistle · 14/10/2023 20:24

The way i read it, is that OPs family aren't just politely turning down an invitation, but are calling her selfish just for inviting them (and for going to the in laws on alternate years)

Seems like there is a bit of a drink problem within the family too.

Blanketpolicy · 15/10/2023 11:20

NyanBinaryJohn · 14/10/2023 18:10

Where do you get the idea the OP is pushing and pushing? Her explaining here the differences between her parents' house and her house on MN ≠ pushing.

Do you honestly think the op casually said, just once this year, "just letting you know the offer is still open at mine if anyone fancies it?" and then dropped it and that prompted a tirade? You think she doesn't make Christmas/boxing day at her parents awkward dropping hints about how tight it is. I would bet money her family have a completely different recollection.

It was made crystal clear to her for the past two years everyone prefers and wants to go to their parents house, probably sentimental feelings of Christmas/boxing day at "home" meaning more to them rather than the practical. Why even ask again? Because she is the one not letting it go.

I get she wants to host, but it isnt going to happen because everyone wants something else, they have repeatedly made it clear over at least the last two years they want something else, so just drop it.

For whatever reason her family feel awkward and uncomfortable in her home - that could be due to them or her, we dont know as we only hear one side. If she wants to host them and make them feel comfortable in her home she would be better working on this on less pressured dates throughout the year.

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