Am I selfish for inviting my family over on Christmas Day?

[Poshpaddington]

I know Christmas is still a few months away but starting to plan now.

back story: me & DP have been together for 10 years. We alternate Christmas Day with our families so one year we will see my family on Christmas Day and my in-laws on Boxing Day, then do the opposite the following year.

my siblings: older sister is 40 years old, younger sister is 34 years old & brother is 30 years old.
none of them have children.
both sisters live in their own houses, both 10 minutes from my house. My brother still lives at my mum & dads house with his partner.

problem: me & DP offered to host Christmas for my family 2 years ago - I was met with a phone call off my mum saying “your siblings say no, dad said absolutely no way and I’m being selfish asking Dad to drive everyone to my house”.
I live a 5 minute drive from my mum & dads house.
Last year we hosted my in-laws & SIL, BIL & neices.
We went to my parents for Boxing Day, they turned down our invite to our house.

We invited my family to our house for Christmas Day this year but they have all messaged me saying I’m being selfish. My mum said that we won’t be having Christmas at my house until my brother moves out. (He has no plans as of yet to move out).
My Dad doesn’t drink so he ends up picking up my brothers partner from her house every Christmas Day as she has been drinking, and picks up & drops home my sisters to their houses. Me & DP always either walk back or one of us doesn’t drink and drives back.
They’ve all said I’m selfish making Dad drive to my house, 5 mins from his on Christmas Day!!
I have offered to pick them all up & drop them back, as I won’t be drinking for medical reasons.

My mum rang me this morning saying that I’m ruining their Christmas, nobody feels comfortable in my house and I need to stop inviting them and putting them in that position.

I got upset and rang DP who said we should just not see my family and host his family on Christmas Day. But I’m worried it will cause more trouble with my family doing that. (They already get annoyed & remind me every year that Christmas is ruined for them when I see my in-laws and not them).

Sorry for the long post!! I wanted to give lots of details so you can help / advise me. I feel so deflated now.

This, pretty much.

How very dare you offer to spend weeks of planning beforehand, shitloads of money and several days of hard slog in the kitchen to provide them all with a Christmas dinner so they can enjoy the day without lifting a finger to help?

Fuck the lot of them, that's what I say.

Sounds like they are controlling to me.

you are an adult. You can choose where to have Christmas. Frankly I find it odd your brother and partner so Christmas separately and suspect this is to pander to your parents ridiculousness.

ifs an invite, not a summons. You do not have to spend the day with them if you aren’t comfortable/there isn’t room etc.

since having my children we stay home every year. Open invite to anyone to come, all welcome. But we won’t visit elsewhere Christmas Day, as the kids are young and need the day with their toys etc, (no other young kids in the family)

some years it’s just us, some years there are nearer 20.

So, your dad being the taxi service has nothing to do with where they spend Christmas Day?
It sounds like everyone else is being selfish.

You know they are being unkind. i love Christmas, i love it my way, i love dc being here but dc are older now with gf's and they need to have the Christmas they love too and that means it being different for me. I love them so am ok with that. Please have the Christmas you want, you have done enough.

I don’t say boo to anyone. Which is why I got upset, rather that saying anything back to them.

Are you the youngest by any chance? I'm betting that you are the most obliging of the family, the most willing to compromise to keep everyone else happy.

It reads really clearly to me as if you are the family scapegoat/punching bag.... they know you will never have a go.
They love a good shout and I bet you come in for a fair share of being shouted at for saying relatively harmless things.

How can asking people if they want to come to yours be ruining their Christmas.
It sounds like as previous pp said that they don't know what they actually want.
Why is your mum making everything YOUR fault?
You can't go to your in-laws? What kind of nonsense is that?

You do NOT have to do what they say, just because they say it. You have a choice

You cannot win in this environment and that is their loss. They have been invited. They have said no - quite rudely and then attacked you for inviting them.

Sack them off.
Decide with your DH to do new Christmas traditions that you want to do and enjoy. Yes it would be nice for you to have supportive siblings and parents taking turns for Christmas etc... but they just aren't. They've shown they will never co-operate with any plan that is not of their devising, so stop chasing an idealised version of Christmas and decide what would make YOU happy and do that.

Christmas is usually a distillation of what goes on in families all year, its just more noticible - so you may need to work out how you want to deal with this nonsense on a year round basis as its really not working to your advantage and its making you miserable.
And while you are having a nice, pleasant calm time at Christmas doing what you have chosen to do - just remember the alternative - squashed around a too-small table, listening to WW3 break out over potatoes.

well the whole thing is clearly bonkers. I guess you really want to see your family on Christmas day? Otherwise I'd just say: fine we'll be at home on Christmas Day if anyone wants to pop in for a mince pie. And leave it at that

Just step away from it all. Have a nice Christmas at home and see the inlaws as planned. Let your family sort themselves out.

I am older than you, believe me things change and often sooner than we're ready.

The thing is, there are 6 members of OP's nuclear family. It's quite clear 5 of them want to do Christmas in the family home. OP of course isn't being selfish in inviting them, but it's quite clear they want to do what they've always done.
They've communicated this extremely badly.

OP has a choice now. She can go to parents this year (back to ILs next year) and try to have a happy occasion with her family. Or she can invite ILs around instead for the second year in a row and thus cause a falling out with family. Or go to a hotel or something because they won't come to hers...but that's not the best solution in my opinion. Obviously it's up to OP though.

So you have the choice of standing or sitting on DH's lap?
Nope.
Invite them round for a mince pie and let them enjoy their dramas.

This, and I'm also applying it to other situations too. My family have gone through a lot the last year but I'm fed up of being the person expected to travel. Especially with family members who aren't working and could visit whenever they please.

As you live so close there's also the option of compromises like eating at home but calling around for dessert and coffee. It does sound a bit of a squash.

Dad stopped talking to me for a month.
for seeing your in laws at xmas?
What a horrible lot, I'd stay away.

This is so pathetic, these are literally grown men and women you're talking about. There's no reason every one couldn't walk home, tell your parents that next time you're called selfish. Don't go over to them on Christmas and for god sakes do not invite any of them over again. They obviously don't give a shit about you and you need to put this crap to a stop now before you have children of your own sharing one seat in living room they're not actually welcome or wanted in.

You're getting at the eldest generation not being around forever, and all this being insignificant in the grand scheme of things? Of course they won't, and of course it is.

But that doesn't give them a free pass to dictate or throw a strop. Would YOU do what OP's parents are doing? Because one day you won't be here any more and therefore you should have all your children and children-in law every Christmas until there are no more Christmases left? Or else shout and throw a strop?

It's totally okay for 5/6ths of OP's family to want to do what they've always done. They cannot decide what the remaining 1/6th does. And, by not falling into line with their diktat, she is NOT "causing a falling out". They are choosing to fall out with her for exercising the same right that they're all exercising: doing what pleases them at Christmas.

Honestly, these aren't the signifiers of people who actually want to spend time with each other at Christmas. It all sounds selfish, on everyone's part - merry Christmases are the opposite of that. They're about everyone pitching in, everyone giving and taking. It all sounds very one-sided on very many parties' sides right now.

No wonder we always spend Christmas day just the 4 of us. So much drama!

Yeah your families weird OP.

FFS it's your Christmas as well. Tell them you're not coming this year but if they throw a tantrum about it you'll not see them at all.

As previous have said, they are all struggling with the idea of changing their comfortable christmas routine. But I wonder if there is also an element of jealousy involved too? You have a husband, a nice (bigger) house, in-laws that you get on with, could this be why they are uncomfortable in your home? They are jealous of your life being different from theirs?

Either way, I've had a similar problem with my family and my best advice to you, for Christmas arrangements and for life in general, if to drop the idea that you "owe" them family obedience.
When I got my first home I was so excited to invite everyone for Christmas and they all refused, every year, so every year I would obediently pack myself off to my parents instead. Until one year I just decided to stay home, they were all still invited but no one came and I just stopped feeling bad about that.
You can continue to invite them and they can decline. But I'd nip the rudeness in the bud "mum you don't have to come but I don't want to hear that I'm ruining your Christmas simply by inviting you to my home".
I also found christmas a lot easier to manage when I gave up the idea of a rota! You don't need to alternate one side of the family and then the other. You can spend consecutive years with one, or stay home alone, or go on holiday, or see both sides of the family on the same day. Don't tie yourself into an annual commitment to alternate.

You and ur dp get a flight somewhere hot and see anyone that you want to in the new year

your family sound nuts

Seize this as the perfect opportunity to do Christmas exactly as you like it from hereon in. You've invited them; they've very rudely refused. So what would you like? Christmas with in-laws? Stressfree Christmas in your own home with grown-up treats? Splash out on a fabulous Christmas abroad? To hell with buying presents for them!
Or do see yourself in a few years' time - maybe with a couple of children - spending Christmas with nowhere to sit down in your parents' living room with WW3 erupting over the sprouts?

No, having kids usually changes things too @Raincloudsonasunnyday, not just people dying. It does in lots of families.

I CBA with all this family drama around Christmas. No reason why everyone who wants to host can't alternate. I advise doing your own thing. I think it's the most sensible way.

Your parents need to accept you're a grown up with a live-in partner (and children?). IMO once you've created your own family unit it's time to put your foot down about fitting in with others preferences. It's one day out of the year and you've as much right to spend it how you like as anyone else does.

I'm long term single and childless, but had to have the difficult conversation one year about how that doesn't automatically make me available for whatever everyone else wants me to do. It doesn't mean I have no plans for my own time or that I want to be running around here, there and everywhere on Christmas day. Luckily my family aren't total morons who thinks the entire world revolves around them and are capable of respecting my decisions about where to spend Christmas.

Your parents may have decided their home is the family hub but if you disagree, that's fine, you're allowed to do so. I don't believe in living my life to keep others happy, so I wouldn't worry about all the tantrums. I wouldn't have even had those conversations about how you're supposedly selfish for making your own plans. I'd have made my excuses and got off the phone. I'd pull them up on any snarky comments made the rest of the year about Christmas too. If they can't be civil they wouldn't be welcome to be part of my life, it's that simple for me. I'd respect your parents wish to not be invited to your house again for Christmas and same to anyone else who has expressed that wish. I'm with your partner, if you want to host Christmas at yours or go to in-laws instead then do that.

You don't owe your family Christmas, you don't exist to make them happy. You have your own life to lead and there's nothing wrong with that. They need to stop seeing your Christmas day plans as something to be discussed and negotiated, just inform them of what you're doing and leave it at that. I wouldn't want to spend the day, let alone be friends with, people who thought I was selfish anyway.

Why do they need to be chauffeured around by your dad on xmas day when they all live a stone's throw from your house? If disabilities are involved here then it's understandable, but if there isn't any, wtf is going on?
Like other posters have said, they sound selfish and bonkers!

and I had and earful from my mum & sister. Dad stopped talking to me for a month.

Good grief!

I mean honestly Op-what do they bring to your life?

Do you enjoy seeing them?

before we had children we did alternate parents, his mother complained but mine understood. But when the children came along we said we wanted to switch to having it at our house. So alternative years we had IL’S to visit ( she liked this, she was a lazy cow and loved being waited on ). The following we did my family, but this caused problems as my brothers all had children and would also be splitting with in laws, so we did open house from 10ish to 12ish, brothers/sil/children would call in on their way to their in laws, exchange gifts, have a mince pie and a drink, then mum and dad would stay for the rest of the day, anyone who wanted to stay were welcome just let me know in plenty of time 😂.

so I suggest you do something similar, stay at home, do open house for anyone who wants to come, or walk round to your parents for a little while then go home. Following year have or go to your in laws.

I couldn’t be bothered with the drama tbh. I never understand why parents insist that their children visit them on Christmas Day or expect them to spend the whole day with them. You’re a grown up OP and can make your own decisions, you’ve done nothing wrong by not wanting to go to your parents house, I can think of nothing worse than perching on the edge of a chair or being crushed at a table, the shouting sisters would be enough to stop me visiting! It’s hardly a relaxing family Christmas is it? The first year DH and I told our children we were staying at home and not driving 3+ hours or staying in a hotel to have Christmas lunch with them all hell broke loose. We have an agreement now we see them between Christmas and New Year, we also didn’t expect them to drag the DGC away from their own homes on Christmas Day to visit us. If I were you OP I’d be doing what I wanted to at Christmas and avoiding the bloody drama.

How much time do they all spend in your house? We are also far more comfortable at my parents than at my sibling's house. Plus they have a dog which I am allergic to.

I agree with them. The parents are the neutral party and most people are comfortable with them and how it has been going versus one sibling taking over Christmas to do it their way.

If you don't want to drive the 5 minutes to their house for Christmas, just do your own thing and they can do their usual Christmas habit. I think your view that they don't have children therefore they have no opinion and their wants don't matter is pretty self centered. Unless you are suggesting that each year one sibling gets to take over Christmas and every four years you can host it your way and the other three years you attend how they want to host it. That might be an option.