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Original poster

Am I selfish for inviting my family over on Christmas Day?

114 replies

Poshpaddington · 12/10/2023 14:15

I know Christmas is still a few months away but starting to plan now.

back story: me & DP have been together for 10 years. We alternate Christmas Day with our families so one year we will see my family on Christmas Day and my in-laws on Boxing Day, then do the opposite the following year.

my siblings: older sister is 40 years old, younger sister is 34 years old & brother is 30 years old.
none of them have children.
both sisters live in their own houses, both 10 minutes from my house. My brother still lives at my mum & dads house with his partner.

problem: me & DP offered to host Christmas for my family 2 years ago - I was met with a phone call off my mum saying “your siblings say no, dad said absolutely no way and I’m being selfish asking Dad to drive everyone to my house”.
I live a 5 minute drive from my mum & dads house.
Last year we hosted my in-laws & SIL, BIL & neices.
We went to my parents for Boxing Day, they turned down our invite to our house.

We invited my family to our house for Christmas Day this year but they have all messaged me saying I’m being selfish. My mum said that we won’t be having Christmas at my house until my brother moves out. (He has no plans as of yet to move out).
My Dad doesn’t drink so he ends up picking up my brothers partner from her house every Christmas Day as she has been drinking, and picks up & drops home my sisters to their houses. Me & DP always either walk back or one of us doesn’t drink and drives back.
They’ve all said I’m selfish making Dad drive to my house, 5 mins from his on Christmas Day!!
I have offered to pick them all up & drop them back, as I won’t be drinking for medical reasons.

My mum rang me this morning saying that I’m ruining their Christmas, nobody feels comfortable in my house and I need to stop inviting them and putting them in that position.

I got upset and rang DP who said we should just not see my family and host his family on Christmas Day. But I’m worried it will cause more trouble with my family doing that. (They already get annoyed & remind me every year that Christmas is ruined for them when I see my in-laws and not them).

Sorry for the long post!! I wanted to give lots of details so you can help / advise me. I feel so deflated now.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/10/2023 16:59

I think people often fall into one of two camps - desperate to be in their own home, or desperate to get out of hosting. So it's foolish to say somebody is categorically being selfish when they're offering something many would love to be offered.

Your family sound odd and dramatic but I would just decide whether you want to spend Christmas with them or not, and go to theirs if you do.

Vinrouge4 · 12/10/2023 17:15

After another stressful Christmas I made the decision to just stay in my own house with my family. It was the best decision ever and that’s how it’s been since.

jannier · 12/10/2023 17:25

I'd just say okay we will walk round after lunch for a couple of hours see you at x

Nothingbuttheglory · 12/10/2023 17:29

I don't want to be rude but your family sound like mad knobs.

I hereby grant you permission to never spend Christmas with them again.

I hope your inlaws are nice.

crumblingschools · 12/10/2023 17:36

I’d move!

Honeybee798 · 12/10/2023 17:51

Your family sound quite manipulative OP. A lot of that behaviour isn’t fair. Obviously they can all spend their Christmas Day as they wish, but they shouldn’t be so rude about it all.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/10/2023 17:59

Some people get very bogged down in tradition at Christmas. They simply cannot see a different way of doing things.

In this case, you are the only one wanting to go in a different direction and they are all 100% comfy with the same Christmas as they've had in previous years.

The question is will the ensuing grief you get given be worth it? If you invite them over and you don't go there, they won't come to you and you will have a blizzard of messages and calls saying you ruined Christmas. Or you could just go there and keep the peace. Only you know what you can live with.

Also, why don't other family members have to share the chair?

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 12/10/2023 18:10

I’m struggling to see how they can call you selfish for offering to do all of the work of Christmas by hosting them? That’s the exhausting, often sacrificing part of Christmas. The host usually misses most of it because they are in the kitchen. Your family sound ungrateful and awful. I would either host your in-laws instead (your family were offered first dibs and refused, that’s their problem, not yours) or just have Christmas with your household.

EasterFlower · 12/10/2023 18:31

Christmas is usually a distillation of what goes on in families all year, its just more noticible

Thanks so much @DuckbilledSplatterPuff for the 🧠 💡 lightbulb moment. I've been puzzled for a few years about certain family members behaviour at Christmas and now I see that it's just a variation of how they behave the rest of the year.

think mum is feeling a little like times are changing which I feel sad for as obviously everyone wants things to always be the same.

Controlling people especially get upset when they start to lose control over someone who they previously had full control of.

They have said our house is too clean.

Reason enough to never eat round theirs again!

house: my parents house is on the smaller side - so there’s 9 of us, fitting around a 6 seater table. Me & DP have to bring our own chairs.

WTF?! Why on earth would you go somewhere where you have to bring your own chair. And why always and only you?

They also only have 2 x 2 seater sofas and not enough space on their living room for all the dining room chairs so me & DP end up sharing a chair. This usually means me sat on his lap (like a child) or one of us stands the majority of the time.

So you're the afterthought. Nice. How utterly rude of the hosts to sit in comfort whilst their guests stand or cram into one chair together.

EasterFlower · 12/10/2023 18:38

The question is will the ensuing grief you get given be worth it? If you invite them over and you don't go there, they won't come to you and you will have a blizzard of messages and calls saying you ruined Christmas. Or you could just go there and keep the peace. Only you know what you can live with.

Or OP could block any numbers who give her grief for not giving in to their demands. Her choices aren't going along with their bat-shittery or facing the consequences of daring to stand up for herself. She doesn't have to engage with their bullshit at all.

cheddercherry · 12/10/2023 18:47

Tbh how your partner has put up with half of his Christmas’ with you sat on his knee/ stood up in a crowded house while your sisters and mother scream at each other is BEYOND.

Give the man a sainthood and let him (and yourself) relax at his family’s this Xmas!

Sending strength OP, you sound very well meaning and amenable and generous to still be offering to host them. Make yourself happy, sounds like they’ll kick off whether you’re there or you’re not so you may as well be out of ear shot enjoying yourself!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 13/10/2023 07:31

EasterFlower · 12/10/2023 18:38

The question is will the ensuing grief you get given be worth it? If you invite them over and you don't go there, they won't come to you and you will have a blizzard of messages and calls saying you ruined Christmas. Or you could just go there and keep the peace. Only you know what you can live with.

Or OP could block any numbers who give her grief for not giving in to their demands. Her choices aren't going along with their bat-shittery or facing the consequences of daring to stand up for herself. She doesn't have to engage with their bullshit at all.

Blocking a number means basically going NC. That is rather extreme.

Also nothing to say they won't arrive at the front door once they figure out they are blocked.

FedUpMumof10YO · 13/10/2023 07:40

Sounds like you can't win whatever you do (with your family). I think it's really lovely that you asked them & so silly of them to refuse and be really rude about it!!!

I think you should fuck them all and do what you want.

SquishyGloopyBum · 13/10/2023 12:00

Do you go because you want to or out of obligation?

Time to call their bluff: they clearly are trying to bully you.

What do you want to do for your Christmas? Do it, guilt free.

Codlingmoths · 13/10/2023 12:13

This is more than just your family wanting Christmasses to stay the same. I’m with your dp, just say dp and I are going to stay here where we get a whole chair each. No one else at mum and dads has to sit on their partners lap, you might like our family Christmas but you aren’t always the ones who are bottom of the pile.

MarkWithaC · 13/10/2023 12:18

They're nuts. Fuck them all off and do what you and your DP want to do.

Neekoh · 13/10/2023 12:22

They're being ridiculous.

They don't want to come. Fair enough. But they don't get to dictate what you do over Christmas.

Have a happy, cosy, peaceful Christmas doing whatever will make you and DH happy, and leave your family to fight amongst themselves. Seriously.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 13/10/2023 12:22

I got through the first page of responses and I’m like errmmm🤔 all these excuses about your parents wanting your childhood home, not liking the new changes fuck that! Your family sound absolutely toxic and controlling, it’s their way or no way. Calling you selfish when in reality they are the selfish ones. Loving families do not treat each other this way, they don’t stop speaking to their child for spending Christmas with their in laws, they don’t call them selfish for trying to host them, they don’t refuse to go to their child’s home because it feels “too clean”. Your family sound just like mine and I was once you. Please don’t put up with it, don’t leave it too late to stand up for yourself. Spend Christmas with people who make you feel good, actually spend life with people who make you feel good about yourself, not people who belittle and put you down.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/10/2023 13:09

Op. It's October and you are already getting a bashing from your family in the run up to Xmas which is upsetting you.
You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I put up with years and years of this nonsense and I can tell you that it simply is not worth it.
If you have DC, let them enjoy Christmas. You only get this chance for a few fleeting years to make it fun and stress free for them as it should be and you can't do this if you are stressed and worried to bits in advance.

I bet you are already worrying yourself sick about getting the perfect present for each of them to. Bin this off and send a note saying cost of living crisis. This year only buying for the GPs and the children and setting a budget - please do the same for us.

Stop running around trying to please people whose entertainment appears to be displaying their displeasure at you and anything you try to do for them. This is not what your life was intended to be and now you have your own family you can organise your life the way you want. Let them find a new scapegoat

Neekoh · 13/10/2023 13:28

To add, because I know many people who've grown up with this dynamic suffer very badly with FOG (fear, obligation, guilt):

Nothing bad will happen when you say no and mean it.

INeedNewShoes · 13/10/2023 13:39

I wouldn't want to spend Christmas day with your family with the behaviour you describe OP. Are you sure you actually want to spend Christmas with them? If you'd have a nicer more welcoming time with your DP's family I'd just spend it with them every year!

LizzyLongbow · 13/10/2023 14:01

Your family sound utterly bonkers. Time to drop the rope. You won't regret it.

Spencer0220 · 13/10/2023 14:11

Madness. Reminds me of my in laws.

Honestly, they need to learn to share. This is madness and they are seeing how far they can manipulate you and dp.

I'd tell them what you are doing for Christmas and let them decide to join you or not.

My mum initially told me she wouldn't come Christmas Day as she didn't want to be somewhere different.

I figured she'd get lonely and change her mind and made sure we had enough dinner in case. She saw my sister Christmas Eve. Late that night she phoned me. And was at my house early the next day.

This year she made plans in July to make sure I knew she would be here!

caringcarer · 13/10/2023 14:42

If your parents don't feel comfortable in your house then they can stay away. I agree with your DH invite your in-laws and I'd be keeping my distance from your odd family who think driving 5 minutes or walking is above them.

DanceMumTaxi · 13/10/2023 14:56

Your lot are absolute horrors. I’d take this as an opportunity to break the 2 year cycle. Either stay on your own or see the in-laws. Then see your side between Christmas and new year.