Help - suddenly hosting 12 for Christmas

[Flowermarket]

Hi all

Looking for a bit of advice/support. We were due to travel to my family for Christmas this year but due to a tragic death in the family (my sister in law, young and unexpected) we decided to spend it with my in-laws as they understandably all wanted to be together. In previous years we've either hosted Christmas lunch at ours with only grandparents staying, or we've travelled to them (4 families/houses in the same town). When DH was there at the weekend they have now decided that as none of the 4 houses are big enough to all eat together, everyone will travel to us on Christmas Eve and back on Boxing Day. It'll be 13 + dog.

We have a 3.5 bed house (box room) with 1 bathroom/toilet and space for everyone to sit around one table downstairs if we extend it. Sleeping arrangements will be tight - lots of airbeds as 2 of our rooms only have cots/toddler beds in.

I'm looking for some practical suggestions as to how to make this run as smoothly as possible. I will be 33 weeks pregnant at Xmas with a 4 and 2 yo. I'm stressing that when the kids inevitably wake up in the middle of the night, the whole house will be awake as sound travels and people will be sleeping all over so nowhere to quietly take them to. Then we're all in for an 18+ hour days with heightened emotions all round and tiredness on top.

I feel like setting expectations would make me feel better (e.g. bathroom time/showers will have to be limited to get everyone through, breakfast done by a certain time so dinner prep can start, nominating who will be cooking/clearing up) but as some of them are teenagers/older adults without young kids am I going to come across as a real killjoy? Is it too much like a school camp if we ask them to bring their own towels/bedding/plates?! We don't have enough here.

Any help gladly received...!

OP why don't you and the dc go to your family as originally planned and DH go to his parents. If he doesn't want to miss out on Christmas morning with his kids, he could do that first then pick his parents up and take them to one of the other houses for dinner and take them home again afterwards. Keep it low key as everyone will be in mourning.

The whole situation stemmed from DH wanting our kids to be with PiL on the day as a source of joy/distraction. Which I think is the right thing to do in the situation and they will bring them some happiness (& vis versa). But then the wider family also want to be with them/together. So it's more about how we make that work without it being a total disaster.

Honestly, once you raise a few questions it will become evident that it's impractical.

Let DH do it. Point out you'll be needing afternoon naps and early nights.

I have to agree with the hotel. We have 12 and only 3 bedrooms so 3 couples are off to the local Premier Inn. I booked it months ago so I think it was about £30 a room so not bad at all pp. I’m just waiting for our local taxi firm to start taking bookings as we’ll all want to have a drink and stay up late.

Are you saying that there will be one toilet for 13 people??? Including the OP who is 33 weeks pregnant!

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g
Yes, I will admit when I wrote this I didn't realise quite how recently SIL had died.

I still think that with three young children involved there could be some magical elements to this Christmas setup despite the obvious sadness of suddenly losing a loved one so recently. Maybe OP's in-laws have conjured this up because they want a busy bustling noisy Christmas with their family and less time to dwell on their sadness

Lets hope no one goes down with an upset stomach, or no one wants a "long term stay" in the loo first thing in the morning!

We’ve done it with 14 in a 4 bed house and if everyone pitches in then it’s not too bad, but we’re all generally up early and stay up late at Xmas anyway. The main issue I think would be the bathroom thing, but that would be the same if people don’t stay.

If BIL and his baby have been left on their own could you suggest it would be best to have him and baby (only) in the spare room, so he still has the ability to have some space if it's All Too Much, and therefore that deviating from the norm and booking a couple of hotel rooms is clearly appropriate this year as it's obviously not fair on someone who has just lost their wife to have nowhere at all to go?

You could potentially also squeeze a couple of the youngsters in as well, but there will be 4 of you plus BIL plus baby already so that's quite a lot for a 3.5 bed already.

I love a full-on everyone staying squeezing in Christmas and have hosted where bil is on an airbed in the living room and the kids are in our room but this seems overwhelming to me. I have no idea how you will manage with only one bathroom and that many people - and you so pregnant. Can you really manage 9 showers on xmas morning?

If it does happen, then people definitely should bring their own towels and bed sheets. Get disposable plates etc. cook everything in disposable pans. Try to make and freeze/buy ready made where possible. I hate throwing stuff out but this is a crisis management thing for you.

I think catering for 12 is doable. I'm not Delia Smith but it's ok provided you either a) do a lot of pre prep on red cabbage, roasties, stuffing etc. or b) buy it all in from your nearest supermarket. I go for b .

I find doing more than one big meal tips me over the edge so for Christmas eve if people are around, then either frozen buffet food or pizzas and DH does most of it. I can't remember breakfast ever being an issue- I usually skip it because I'm eating so much later ( i tend to serve up Christmas dinner at normal lunchtime so we can go for a walk in the daylight afterwards) but some croissants or boxes of cereal should do the trick.

The key is not having everyone staying over or there is no respite. I'd even try to avoid options where the DCs are sleeping in your room - unless they are good sleepers.

I'd not fanny about with loaded questions and hints. This is an emotional time for people and it sounds like they're a bit rudderless, so be their rudder. Everyone appreciates having a comfortable sleeping arrangement and a bit of space. Our family Christmases have got better since the introduction of Premier Inn for us at SILs end and Travel Lodge for SIL and family at this end.

Honestly, I have already declined to stay at the inlaws who are lovely but who would have 1 bathroom for 8 of us all wanting to shower etc. It would stress me out too much so we have a hotel nearby. It was a lot more reasonable than expected price wise.

Suggest hotels. You can mention the kids waking to everyone as one reason.

Could you invite PIL and BIL households to stay and the others come at different times e.g. boxing day? We don't see everyone on 'the day' but usually have some family visiting boxing day, some the day after/whenever the trains run. Instead of feeling like we're 'lacking' people on the 25th, it extends the festivities for a few days and means you're not cramming everything in so you have a bit of breathing space to take the kids to the park/change of faces.

I'm also having 12ish (TBC) for Xmas. We do have 2 bathrooms which will help and I get on with all of the inlaws so that does help.
We also have 3.5 bedrooms so are doing
Us in our room (not giving it up!!). My 3 (age 11-16 year olds) in DS2 bedroom - he has bunk beds plus a blos up on the floor.
MIL and her sister in DDs room - single bed plus i got a futon from freecycle which is going to go in there.
DH step sister and her baby in DS1 box room (single bed plus a travel cot)
SIL and partner in study on sofa bed.
DH cousin may also come but he will have to sleep on sofa.

I am planning all the meals and it will be at set times. I know pretty much all of the above will pitch in with cooking/cleaning etc so there will not be any worries about people sitting around not pulling their weight.

It sound like you have younger kids so I would work out all thier outifts/pjs etc ahead of time and put them in your room so easy to grab etc rather than having to try and get into thier bedrooms while other people are in there.

Deffo ask people to bring own bedding and towels if you dont have enough - means you wont then get lumbered with the washing afterwards!
Can you get a cheap plate set from ikea/wilko/argos?

As your DH has volunteered to host has he outlined how he plans to achieve all this? Him. Not you. Him.
I'd have looked at him incredulously as soon as he mentioned it and then been asking questions about how he is going to do this, while pointing out you're heavily pregnant as he can't honestly be expecting you to do all this.
I guess he's been swept away in the moment, but he needs bringing down to earth about the practicalities.

It sounds like it's going to be a though Christmas whatever happens, sorry for your loss.

Nothing wrong with saying its too much for you, and you're very tired at this stage of the pregnancy. Just visit each other Xmas eve/boxing day.

I agree suggesting a hotel/AirB&B.

I would definitely be looking at local air bnb or travelodge tbh. The set up you've described sounds very stressful indeed. I suppose the fact you're pregnant might be helpful as you won't be drinking so at least you can drive them to the hotel.

This is absolutely crazy! I'm sorry but this sounds like it's going to be a nightmare for everyone involved. Why not hire a big house between you all and then everyone is "mucking in" plus the first Christmas without a loved one can feel awful when there's an "empty chair" so I've always found it's best to go away for a few days so you still celebrate but mark it as a year of new traditions so to speak.

I think your DH should go back to his family and say "we've had a think and we think it will be too much for us to take on, but we've found these places instead which look lovely..." I think everyone would understand, and if they don't, they can get in the bin 🤣

If you can't get out of it - plates and cutlery from charity shop will be next to nothing, or ask people to bring.

People can jump in the shower at odd times, it won't be a case of all showered before breakfast.

Could some people not travel on the day itself and just stay one night to take the pressure off? Stress that the sleeping arrangements will be haphazard!

Schedule in a walk at some point, possibly even in shifts so that the house is quieter and less crowded at one or two points in the day.

We had 8 in a 2 bed flat with one bathroom for 4 nights and it went surprisingly well. Timetable for getting out the house was agreed in advance.

Unless you have got families with two little kids each it's going to be interesting finding somewhere for everyone to sleep.

Sounds very tough when 33 weeks pg. I'm so sorry for your loss of sil

I do agree it sounds quite stressful but I am also quite surprised at the response of absolute no?? The circumstances sounds terrible, I just cannot imagine what bil is going through and with a baby, and all everyone is thinking about is the practicalities of the bathroom situation for a day or so??!! Totally baffles me to be honest! It will still be quite raw and a very significant first without sil you just do what you can to make it work, it’s a couple of days, very sorry for your sad loss xx

I think whilst it is lovely of you to take this on it is going to be far too much. It doesn't sound like you have the space either (for Christmas Dinner maybe but not for a sleepover thar large). Not to mention you have two young children who will likley be very unsettled and out of any kind of routine. I think your husband needs to talk to them and tell them that it just isn't going to be possible.

I think with the right sort of family and a few tweaks this could be the most magical Christmas ever OP

My father died a month before Christmas when we were children. Magical it wasn't; and we were in a familiar home, with beds, and surrounded by loving and supportive family. My only clear memory of it is my mother getting very drunk and having hysterics over being suddenly widowed, and hearing that and my aunt trying to soothe her.