Help - suddenly hosting 12 for Christmas

[Flowermarket]

Hi all

Looking for a bit of advice/support. We were due to travel to my family for Christmas this year but due to a tragic death in the family (my sister in law, young and unexpected) we decided to spend it with my in-laws as they understandably all wanted to be together. In previous years we've either hosted Christmas lunch at ours with only grandparents staying, or we've travelled to them (4 families/houses in the same town). When DH was there at the weekend they have now decided that as none of the 4 houses are big enough to all eat together, everyone will travel to us on Christmas Eve and back on Boxing Day. It'll be 13 + dog.

We have a 3.5 bed house (box room) with 1 bathroom/toilet and space for everyone to sit around one table downstairs if we extend it. Sleeping arrangements will be tight - lots of airbeds as 2 of our rooms only have cots/toddler beds in.

I'm looking for some practical suggestions as to how to make this run as smoothly as possible. I will be 33 weeks pregnant at Xmas with a 4 and 2 yo. I'm stressing that when the kids inevitably wake up in the middle of the night, the whole house will be awake as sound travels and people will be sleeping all over so nowhere to quietly take them to. Then we're all in for an 18+ hour days with heightened emotions all round and tiredness on top.

I feel like setting expectations would make me feel better (e.g. bathroom time/showers will have to be limited to get everyone through, breakfast done by a certain time so dinner prep can start, nominating who will be cooking/clearing up) but as some of them are teenagers/older adults without young kids am I going to come across as a real killjoy? Is it too much like a school camp if we ask them to bring their own towels/bedding/plates?! We don't have enough here.

Any help gladly received...!

It's not going to be a jolly day is it. The family will be numb with shock and and grieving. Even if you want to celebrate a life, in reality it can be very sombre.

My FIL died just before xmas and the day was just got through really. I don't think people will be in the mood to laugh and joke, play games and act as if they are enjoying themselves. I think your expectations are way off OP and it will be a very sad day.

This sounds like a nightmare. I'd ask them not to arrive until Christmas day, round about 12pm. That way you don't need to worry about breakfast or a meal for everyone on Christmas eve, you'll all be able to have your showers/ toilet freely on Christmas morning, and the madness will only be for one night! Having people sleep in the living room on Christmas eve would stress me out so much. I'll also be 33 weeks by Christmas and I'm hosting 13 on christmas. Im actually really looking forward to it. Got my family (6 of them) staying for 4/5 days, and having the in laws (including BIL and SIL) join us on the day. We haven't got an issue with space, but some of the things I'm doing to make life easier are:-Paper plates for breakfast (just pastries)-Make a list of times that certain foods need to go in the oven/ninja/hob so that everything comes out ready at the same time, and setting alarms in advance with reminders-DHs family not arriving until around midday on Christmas day (they do church in the morning anyway)-dinner will be buffet style, to hell with preparing 13 plates 😵‍💫-FIL is in charge of keeping the fires lit, DH is in charge of drinks/ice/empties and generally doing whatever is needed, SIL+BIL are on dishwasher stacking/dishes, and myself, my mum and my other SIL are in charge of food. My dad's on dessert and my brother has the jobs of keeping the kids and dogs happy 🤣 I'm also organising a big quiz with silly games for the evening to give people something to do after dinner (annual tradition-we love it).Give everyone a job and absolutely tell people to bring their own stuff! If everyone is kept busy it might help keep spirits up a bit.

It will be tricky for all the practical reasons but also the kids might get overwhelmed with the number of people in a small space which will be stressful. Also you all, I would think are still grieving and some may need space and time out of the Christmas chaos , you included. A hotel may help give people space and use of a bathroom! I think it’s lovely that you want to do it but emotions will run high so make sure you factor that in.

My auntie had us all for Christmas n s pretty similar sounding house with two young kids and she was actually overdue with baby number 3 at the time! Seriously, we all loved every single minute and somehow managed just fine. I slept in a room with my young cousins and it was magical to see them waking up so excited in the morning.

If the family are understanding decent folk they will be flexible, share the workload and cost and understand that not all home comforts will be available all the time.

@Daisychainsx
This sounds bloody amazing! Have a wonderful Christmas

I am confused, if none of the four houses in their town are large enough to host 13 people how has it been decreed that your 3.5 bed, one bathroom house IS large enough? If you really feel that you must do this, then people need to come on Christmas Day and leave on Boxing Day morning. That way at least there is only one night of disturbed sleep and you can get away with most people not having showers in the morning. They can shower when they go home! Overall, it does seem really unfair though that the hosting has ended up with you when you have two small children and are heavily pregnant when some of the other families have only adults or teenagers.

Large gazebo with sides in the garden to provide a bit of extra space - send them all out there!!
Don't know why everyone is so fixated by Christmas breakfast?! Just get 24 croissants, a tub of butter, jar of ham and jar of chocolate spread. Paper plates and sorted!
Also, if everyone is in the same boat nobody is going to care that they haven't managed their usual shower / beauty routine.
Definitely give different people their own area if responsibility and try to hang the timetable on a few specifics but other than that the key has to be to chill out and not pls e high expectations on yourself

No one's thought this through. They are still caught in the emotion and grief.

Send an odd message- 'we're all ok with paper plates, aren't we?' 'Can you bring sleeping bags, we'll all be on the floors'. Who wants to bring the puddings?

After a couple of messages they'll likely twig it's impossible.

Where will you keep all the food ?

have you got enough really huge saucepans, big enough for all the food.

have you got a double oven, one for the meat and one for the veg.

can you store enough bread, cereals, fruit, milk

and it will be awful. Tears from everyone, short tempers and snappy people. You may have the massive family fall out that causes such ructions you will never see them again

Just say it is not on, and stick to it.

Wouldn't it be a shame if your doctor recommended action just short of bedrest for you, so unfortunately you would then have to cancel hosting and stay at home with your nuclear family resting with your feet up in a very calm environment? Reasonable as a lie (because these do not sound like the sort of family who are going to take the actual reasonable truth), because being that busy, stressed and on your feet with 2 little ones and 9 other people plus (someone else's?) dog isn't going to be good for you and your baby is it? You should be being waited on this Christmas due to being in the late stages of pregnancy, preferably with your DH doing most of the work or going out to eat! It's also rather stupid of the in-laws anyway as babies do come early and then all their plans would have to be changed at the last minute.

2-3 weeks before Christmas ie 2-3 weeks notice for them should be adequate 😈

I think the travelogue idea is great! I'd definitely be looking at that.

Honestly, I don't know why they would want to come and all be cramped in the livingroom on aro beds etc. I think you'll be doing them all a favour

@Flowermarket - you absolutely need to put your foot down and make it clear to everyone - starting with your husband - that THIS IS NOT HAPPENING !!!!

I'd be quite direct about the hotel thing too.
Just say it's not going to work as this is what the sleeping arrangements will look like and we have one toilet.
Happy to host you during the day but x number of you will need to sleep elsewhere. This hotel is 2 miles up the road and will only cost you £ if you book it now. I've checked and we can prebook you a taxi to get back.

This. None of this was your idea, you were not consulted and you have every right to say no. I hope your DH will back you up? 13 people to one toilet makes me feel queasy .....

You get the actual bathroom (and your kids). Everyone else is using the portaloo outside that you hire for the occasion. And which everyone is paying a contribution to, ditto food. X per head. Paying for a hotel (or not coming and impinging themselves on you in the first place) might seem more attractive then! But c.f. my earlier suggestion which I like the best.

How do you think they will be on the day itself Op? One of my concerns out with the nightmarish logistics would be that your own children's Christmas fun gets a bit lost amongst all of the grieving adults.

I do this to my poor mother!

We have a study in addition that helps. I would if space move at least one child in with you then put an air bed or two in their bedroom, make sure they know there's an expectation of everyone pitching in, bring cooked food for reheating etc. bunk preschool- primary kids in together, forget rules like bed time they can catch up later in the week. Bringing own towels, pillows, bedding, sleeping bags and mats for the kids to cut down on you having to wash assuming you even own that much. Chairs is another thing they could bring but potentially have a plank to make a bench seat to fit kids.

Use disposable (yes I know environment but!) plates for lighter meals (eg Christmas tea if that's your tradition), clear plastic semi disposable cups are good as can be washed up but then recycled after Boxing Day. Certainly disposable napkins!

Consider a bring and share buffet for Christmas Eve or perhaps take away?

Of course it won't be the most magical Christmas ever. The OP's young sister-in-law has just died, out of the blue, and the entire family is grieving and in shock. For all we know, her young children and widower are going to be there. Nobody is going to be looking back at this Christmas fondly. It just has to be got through, as someone else said.

I agree w back to the drawing board comment. 12 people sleeping over 2 nights 3 days in a box room and living room etc? (As you say 2 out of the 3.5 bedrooms have children’s cots in them, you have 1 bedroom, so that leaves the box room).

How is it even possible. And you have 2 young children and you’ll be 33 weeks pregnant. How in the world are your h and his family thinking they will all fit in your house?

Travelodge is way to go. Condolences on your in-laws’ loss, how terrible. Emotions will be high. I don’t see how it would work.

Nobody is going to be looking back at this Christmas fondly. It just has to be got through, as someone else said.

But why has it got to take place at the OP's house, which clearly isn't big enough. And only has one toilet?

Whilst it is really kind for your DH to offer your home, I really would be getting him to rethink this as it doesn’t sound like you have the space to accommodate so many people, not only for lunch but to stay over 2 nights!

I expect that things are likely to be sad and possibly tense and probably not a fun filled day. If the weather is awful there will be limited opportunity to escape or for the children to let off steam,.

If it was me I would be looking to what alternative arrangements could be made, ideally elsewhere. DH’s family may not have space in any individual house, but there is likely to be enough space for people to stay over if all houses are used. I know of other families who have used local community centres for their Christmas Day and have either cooked their meal there (depending on facilities), or have taken food already cooked (either a traditional dinner or buffet style).

If you really feel that there is no option to hosting, I would reduce how many are staying and for how long. Ideally with no one staying. Could people not travel on Christmas Day and return home the same day? If it is too far to travel, look at alternative accommodation for at least some of the group using B&Bs, travel lodges etc. only have those staying who you can accommodate comfortably.

People travelling by car can bring additional crockery etc, but be prepared for people to forget, so you would need a plan B. Again a local community centre of church hall could work. I would possibly be forgetting a traditional Christmas Dinner and look to a buffet, you could then use disposable plates etc. Going out to eat could be a possibility or a take away. Lots of possibilities to reduce the amount of work around catering for the main meal.

If people are staying, it would be sensible to meal plan and keep the meals as simple as possible, prepare what you can beforehand and freeze or buy readymade.

I hope you can come to suitable arrangements and I am sorry for the loss of your SIL.

No way on earth will this work. It sounds as if was decided in the heat of the moment. You need to have a down-to-earth conversation ASAP with the other guests (or maybe just the women, sexism being ever-present for Christmas).

Madness for so many sharing a single toilet/bathroom. You don't have enough beds or seating. Your kitchen/fridge/oven is too small. You don't have enough crockery, cutlery, glassware, cookware.

Rather than saying a clear "No" you can present it as a brainstorming session for solutions, and offer Travelodge or just meeting for dinner together. If they don't want to go out, what about you hosting Christmas tea? That would be much more doable.

One bedroom for OP and her husband and kids. One for BiL and his DC. PiLs will have to sleep in the lounge or at a hotel.
Who else is there?

Get breakfast pastries- things like pre wrapped pancakes and chocolate brioche.

Use frozen roasties from Lidl/Aldi. Aunt Bessie's yorkshires. They are great at Christmas, take the stress out of it.
Cook Turkey and gammon the day before. Shred and put in tubs in the fridge.
Get ready made gravy.

On the day, the oven will be full of roasties and yorkshires. It takes much longer when it's really full.
Use the microwave and slow cookers for veg.
Heat up gravy on the hob and add the microwaved Turkey to it. Gammon can be served cold, basically.

Microwave Christmas puds and a frozen gateau.

It's not going to be a cordon bleu meal, but that isn't what matters this year.

Put your DH in charge of, for example, all the household management stuff except the kitchen.
Put MiL and FiL in charge of wrangling all the children.
Someone else can be in charge of getting everyone's drinks without getting in the way in the kitchen not that I've ever managed to get that one to wrk.
Get a kitchen helper in with you.

Thank you for all the support and condolences. I think what I really needed to hear was that other people think it's as crazy a plan as I do.

My SiL's widower (BiL) and baby are part of the group, and the dog is not ours. It's really really unlike DH to do something like this, I think he's just got caught up in taking the lead in all the practicalities and admin around the death that he's gone a bit tunnel vision.

Yes yes yes to travel lodge. Book taxis now for the evening of Christmas Day.
Remember it's only the one day that no one will be out and about. Children need a good sleep or they'll wake up and catch Father Christmas.
Realistically you only have one spare room.
Take away on Christmas Eve. No faffing about with oven trays.
On Christmas Day do late breakfast/brunch of bacon rolls, pastries, Buck's Fizz. Then Christmas dinner around 4. Buffet style might be easier.
Most supermarkets do a basic dinner set of 4 plates, bowls, side plates for about £10. We have several wrapped in cling film in a box in the garage which come out for just these type of occasions.
Cheese and chocolate for anyone still hungry later.
Another breakfast on Boxing Day and away they go.
The catering is less problematic that the overall hosting. Older people will appreciate a quiet room to sleep in too if they aren't used to being around small children all day, so although air beds will work for a few extras, a couple of hotel rooms might save all your Christmas's!!