Can’t say it to those close to you? Come say it here. Judgement free zone.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

I’ve 4 grown kids. They are all here for Christmas. Ds1 is going home today. I can’t wait. (Of all of them hardest to get on with, hates his brother-it’s mutual. He’s a lazy git.) I’ll be able to relax when he’s gone.
I am also looking forward to dh being in work tomorrow so me and Dd can sprawl on sofa watching shite.
I also hate Christmas cooking.

@Joevanswell

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I read your post before it went, you’re doing the right thing love. You’re protecting your little one and that is the only thing to do in situations like these.

Bell ends. All the kids vegan, alcohol-free and woke. Pretty much overnight. I have half a forest in my larder, a small vineyard in the cellar and evenings are like recording an episode of Newsnight.

Fil is ruining his relationship with the kids. It has to be closely supervised anyway because of the way he tramples over their boundaries and treats them like toys instead of human beings. They are not here to meet his needs and make him happy, they are their own people with feelings and wants and needs. If he doesn't stop being so pushy dd is going to want nothing to do with him at all and ds will follow once he is old enough to understand.

Fil and mil both see their relationship with the kids as something they can benefit from and never look to see what they can give to the kids or how they can make them happy. It's driving me fucking nuts. Also the contrast between their behaviour and my family is unbelievable.

@psuedocream3

I fell out with a toxic family member not long before Christmas so decided not to go to their family festivities this year - and secretly it was the best decision I have ever made. I didn't have to put up with pretentious self righteous behaviour and being the subject of passive agressive comments, or have to deal wih that one family member that gets absolutely wasted, has ruined every family event including my wedding day, and becomes vile and abusive to anyone trying to help them whilst trying to keep the children shielded from it. I had a lovely day with my husband and children, completely relaxed and not a worry in the world or a sniff of drama. Truth be told, I wish we had decided this years ago!

Well done you!!! I also fell out with an awful family member (on DHs side) and it meant no drama for Christmas. Lovely!

@CagneyNYPD1

Ooh, I've got another one....

BiL and his family are due over to ours today. Original plan was a 4pm arrival. Then it changed to 1.30pm. I got up early this morning to tidy and clean the house so it is presentable. DH got up early too and braved the local supermarket as he is doing all food for today. We are all done and awaiting their arrival.

They have just called. They will now be with us for 5. 30. I don't care as I have finished all my tasks and can put my feet up. DH is a bit disappointed but will put up with it.

They are good people and we enjoy spending time with them. But they are just so disorganised and faffy.

And they have form for this kind of thing. Lots of last minute changes to plans. Lots of late arrivals. Always v apologetic. But always late.

My side of the family are very different. We agree a plan and timings a few days beforehand and we stick to it. We organise ourselves accordingly. I will never understand BiL's behaviour but I would bet good money that in 20 years, this will still be happening because my lovely DH just accommodates it.

@CagneyNYPD1

That must be very frustrating

It's worth remembering that the vast majority of people can be on time for something that matters to them eg work, flying on holiday

So, your BIL and SIL are telling you that you're not a top priority for them. Next time they agree to come at 1.30pm but then phone to say they'll be there at 5.30pm, feel free to say "Actually that doesn't work for us. We have plans for later on. We're going out at 5pm". Or go ahead and eat the nice food at 1.30pm and give them reheated leftovers at 5.30. No need to be hostile or PA about it, just breezy and matter of fact

People only get away with this because others pander to them. If you don't allow yourself to be inconvenienced, then you won't resent it so much

PIL you're not particularly great to us and the kids for the rest of the year (and never come to see us, always expecting us to make the effort) and yet expect us to hang out with your all day and all evening over Christmas. I'm sorry but 6 hours this year was more than enough for me (frankly I would have happily gone home after 4 hours), so please don't lay the guilt trip on about expecting us to stay all evening as well.

@Bangolads

No of course not *@TatianaBis* - obviously he doesn’t🤷🏼‍♀️Are you deliberately trying to be nasty?! I host, care for a disabled child and my mother with dementia and look after the guests needs whilst they do fairly little. You utter plonker.

Sorry, why is asking if your DP does the hosting ‘nasty’? Why is it ‘obvious’ he doesn’t do it? Why are you doing it when you are carer to two people? If he enjoys seeing his family there’s no reason why he can’t host them, particularly given your workload, thats a massive additional burden on you.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Adult dd "can I help?" Me "Yes, could you peel/cut the carrots?" Her"No, I draw the line at that" She had just woken up from a solid 2 hr sleep" There were no carrots on the table and next year I'm not fucking cooking Christmas Dinner. I've done it for 26 years. Not doing it ever again.

Why was that her line?

@Bitconfused75 my mum is the same it's utterly heartbreaking and I just want her to be free. There I've said it

Really needed to read this. On week 6 of in laws unexpectedly staying and slowly losing the Will to live.
I’m sorry I don’t want to have a discussion every time I enter the living room or kitchen and you’re there which is all the time because you never go anywhere… We’ve not had our house to ourself since October and I am exhausted of working full time and having to constantly host. It’s not that I don’t like you or your passive aggressive comments and negativity… it’s just that the energy I have to politely and enthusiastically put up with it ran out around 5 and a half weeks ago.

Interesting thread this.
When I have more time, and some guests have gone, I will come back to some posts on it.

@Magnited

Bell ends. All the kids vegan, alcohol-free and woke. Pretty much overnight. I have half a forest in my larder, a small vineyard in the cellar and evenings are like recording an episode of Newsnight.

I will start with this one. Does woke, or is it vegan, that makes someone alcohol free?

Dear child, you started this.
I called you on it for the first time in 3 years.
Wow you got so cross, and now your not talking to me.
Did you enjoy Christmas because I did.
Bet nothing to unwrap was a shock, but this is and has been my Christmas experience for 25 years.
P.s. bests Christmas ever here.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Adult dd "can I help?" Me "Yes, could you peel/cut the carrots?" Her"No, I draw the line at that" She had just woken up from a solid 2 hr sleep" There were no carrots on the table and next year I'm not fucking cooking Christmas Dinner. I've done it for 26 years. Not doing it ever again.

and this one. We had and still have large numbers here for xmas. Not appreciated, the work involved beforehand by a small number. Myself and someone else may go on strike next year if nothing has changed between now and then.

@ign0re

Really needed to read this. On week 6 of in laws unexpectedly staying and slowly losing the Will to live. I’m sorry I don’t want to have a discussion every time I enter the living room or kitchen and you’re there which is all the time because you never go anywhere… We’ve not had our house to ourself since October and I am exhausted of working full time and having to constantly host. It’s not that I don’t like you or your passive aggressive comments and negativity… it’s just that the energy I have to politely and enthusiastically put up with it ran out around 5 and a half weeks ago.

This is awful! Is there anyway you can ask them to leave..? Is there a reason, travel/housing difficulties etc? I would have lost my shit by now!

DS1, please stop laughing at DS2. I know his behaviour is sometimes uncomfortable and its difficult but please stop laughing, this is my life and he can't help it. But I don love having you here if only for some adult conversation and our Gavin and Stacey marathons.

Ex-MIL - Sorry not sorry that you are on your own this year, but sending poisonous texts to me about not seeing the DC's over Christmas wont help, maybe you should speak to the son that you raised and get him to sort it out. And in my line of work I cant just say 'sorry I need a day off', people need care 365 days a year. TBH even if I could do that I wouldnt if it meant spending an hour in your company, with your barbed comments and jabs at my life, and your ever-so-wrong ideas about my divorce.

I hate cooking !!

'D'P,
I can not believe how shit you have made me feel. You knew that I had gotten you something amazing for Christmas -tickets to see a band that you had always wanted to see as a surprise. I made sure that the seats are fab and that you will have a wonderful night. I also put a lot of thought into the other smaller gifts from me and DD. What did you do for me? A toiletry gift set which came with a free item (a fact that you happily announced to all during gift opening) that you know that I can't use due to skin issues, chocolate that I can not eat (dairy plus alcohol is a complete no for me) and.....oh yeah nothing else.
DD had bought a hobby item for me that she knew that I wanted and you took it off her to give to me yourself so it doesn't count as a gift from you because you made her feel so bad that she voluntarily handed it to you to stop you whinging! I paid for that myself as DD is disabled and currently between jobs due to ill health.
You went with DSS Christmas shopping and made him get me what is a lovely toiletry gift set (which ironically cost more than what you spent on me yourself). Unfortunately you know that I can't use it due to skin allergies or you should know. A quick look at my toiletries and make up would have shown you what I do use.
I have hobbies and passions that you could have bought vouchers for. You could have gotten me theatre or concert tickets. But....you didn't. I didn't write a Christmas list so apparently it is all my own fault. I didn't write a list because my likes and passions are obvious to everyone.

I can not even have a discussion with you about it because you will openly DARVO me. Be warned though, this may well be your last Christmas with me. I'm working hard and getting my ducks in a row... and my lovely sibling saw what you did so yeah, your days are probably numbered.

Thank you! I feel a bit better now.

Sorry, I meant to say at thr very least, not if only, which made it sound like I only want him here for the company. I love having DS1 around, but severely autistic DS2 is finding Christmas tough so is being overly anxious and restrictive, and very cross. Ds1 doesn't know how to react so he laughs and this makes DS2 even more stressed.

Mil. I won't ever visit your home again. And you are not welcome here. Dh and dc can visit you as much as they like (which I suspect won't be much)
Sil...why ask me what to get my dc then ignore me and get giftcards for shops they don't use/aren't local to us?
Siblings. You are so spectacularly shit. I'm making changes next year and so you'll have to step up re: mum. Enjoy!

DP, why pretend in front of your mother we don't do certain things at home as it's not how she likes things done at hers? The constant focus on household tasks on conversation and the defensiveness of everyone is just weird!

Example:

Me to DP & MIL - "DD has blocked your toilet with paper - do you have a wire coat hanger or something so I can unblock it?"

DP oh no, you shouldn't use a coat hanger.

MIL looks at me as if I've said something really stupid.

DP says he'll fix it.

WTF is this all about? One of our toilets at home gets blocked a lot and we literally have a wire hanger next to the toilet which we use every time it gets blocked.

WHY is DP pretending we don't do this? Why does it even matter?!

There are lots of unwritten rules here I just don't understand and am constantly falling foul of.

My rant is my dd's on/off boyfriend sticking his nose where it's not wanted. He's overstepping recently and it's really beginning to bug me.

@MamaWeasel

My rant is my dd's on/off boyfriend sticking his nose where it's not wanted. He's overstepping recently and it's really beginning to bug me.

Say something then!

@Glowtastic one of them is too ill to make the journey home… so i can’t moan too much/at all to my DH as it’s obviously not a nice situation! it’s not their fault but also find it stressful not knowing how long this will go on for. They’re not incapable of looking after themselves though so thinking of sneaking a way for a few days to keep my sanity in check!

I'm about to switch off the wifi, confiscate DD's phone and computer indefinitely and insist she does something else.
Having a sulky pre-teen that won't wash, won't eat, won't come out of her room and barely speaks to me (and won't read either) is driving me insane.
I took her and her friends out for the day just before Christmas, had everyone round to dinner, friends' parents were surprised and grateful but DD won't even have a shower if I ask.
I'm running out of 'nice things to do' because DD doesn't 'want tooooo'. DH has decided to go back to work and I hardly blame him. ILs are spending time with SIL's perfect children (gymnastics champ, football ace, top of every subject, school awards, get on marvellously together and do wholesome and enriching activities off their own bat..) so we're hearing a lot about how wonderful they are. I'm seriously considering moving into the shed with the hamster, who is at least speaking to me (or squeaking).