Page 5 | pressure to host awful man for Christmas!

5zeds · 22/12/2021 21:14

@DismantledKing and not every celebration is a Disney event for the children.

I think if you’re not a Christian and so Christmas is a sort of ritual children’s treat them by all means just tell him he doesn’t “fit” with your children’s treat day. Otherwise part of Christmas is welcoming the lonely and familyless into your home and including them. Sometimes that’s more of a chore than others but I can’t see how it “ruins Christmas “ because that’s what Christmas IS for many families.

shakingmytinselatyule · 22/12/2021 21:15

I got to host an unpleasant relative every year as none of the family would ever take them as it would 'ruin their Christmas' as it would be too awful to just leave them on their own for the day. But I really wished that other relatives would even take a turn just to give me a break. I imagine that is how your sil feels.

FoxyLoxx · 22/12/2021 21:20

I feel for you. We have had to make the difficult decision not to have my dad this year (so he’s on his own) after a very disruptive incident when he came to stay with us in November. We feel terrible but my 4yo DS is only just settling after the upheaval. Sometimes, I’m afraid, people do it to themselves and just don’t deserve to be invited. It was possibly easier for me to say no as I’m 8 months pg and my very wonderful but very strict midwife gave me a good strong pep talk when I was in tears about it. She told me that your children are the only people’s whose happiness you’re responsible for. It’s taken me a long time to learn to say no but I’m soooo much better for it. Good luck and go with your gut xxx

DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 22/12/2021 21:25

@Knobblebobble

Does anyone not feel sorry for the SIL? They probably can't stand him either. It's not fair for them to host every year...

However it's one I'd leave with my husband to sort. If he wanted him to come I think I'd suck it up but limit it to dinner time only. Say 1 till 5 or something....

Nope SIL can simply not invite him. She doesn't get to tell the OP she's having him!!

FemmeFutile · 22/12/2021 21:29

SIL is free to say no. Nobody is forcing her to host him.

Xion · 22/12/2021 21:40

Covid is the perfect excuse to say no

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2021 21:52

Otherwise part of Christmas is welcoming the lonely and familyless into your home and including them.

Okay but if someone is lonely and familyless because they're a total asshole and they'll repay your charity by being a total asshole to you all day I think even the pope would give you a pass.

He'd have some stern words for the asshole though.

tara66 · 22/12/2021 21:52

Tell SIL the Christmas dinner with you would not suit FIL because you are not having any alcohol and he likes to drink a lot. You have already bought all the food for those you know/knew would be at the meal which doesn't include him and you would struggle to get more in because so busy. Then you let her know you also dislike the unpleasant 'tone' he establishes by his comments and behaviour at social event with examples telling her he makes you feel very uncomfortable. You do not like his manner/s and so he is not invited.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 22/12/2021 21:55

As much as I know people are going to think I am a horrible person, my girls mean more to me than adults who get to choose what their day entails. My FIL and mil are divorced and have been since their children were very young, there was a long period of time that they didn't even see their dad because he would rather get drunk than spend time with them. My SIL has 0 obligation to host him he has hardly been father of the year to any of them. I'm not going to let him ruin my children's day by making them uncomfortable in their own home.

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 22:04

@KevinTheKoala

As much as I know people are going to think I am a horrible person, my girls mean more to me than adults who get to choose what their day entails. My FIL and mil are divorced and have been since their children were very young, there was a long period of time that they didn't even see their dad because he would rather get drunk than spend time with them. My SIL has 0 obligation to host him he has hardly been father of the year to any of them. I'm not going to let him ruin my children's day by making them uncomfortable in their own home.

I don’t think that you’re a horrible person at all. I think you’ve done exactly the right thing.

5128gap · 22/12/2021 22:04

Well you could make up a excuse, but its really only kicking the can down the road as you'll be asked another year. If you can bring yourself to do it, honesty would be best here. He may not be able to help his alcoholism, but he chooses his racism and misogyny, and its time people stopped colluding by letting him get away with it. Your H needs to tell him you don't want to host him, and why.

EezyOozy · 22/12/2021 22:09

As much as I know people are going to think I am a horrible person, my girls mean more to me than adults who get to choose what their day entails. My FIL and mil are divorced and have been since their children were very young, there was a long period of time that they didn't even see their dad because he would rather get drunk than spend time with them. My SIL has 0 obligation to host him he has hardly been father of the year to any of them. I'm not going to let him ruin my children's day by making them uncomfortable in their own home.

Good for you OP

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2021 22:13

Just say no?

Hey Sally, totally get why you don't want George this year but we don't have capacity. Guess he's going to have to spend it with Philip if he wants company "

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/12/2021 22:14

@KevinTheKoala

You are not a horrible person. You are in fact a decent mother who is putting her Children’s needs and right to be comfortable ahead of social obligations to host family despite the fact they are toxic.

You are doing what is right for your children and yourself.

MsGrumpytrousers · 22/12/2021 22:21

I agree, you can't possibly have him, and it sounds as though DH is the only person he doesn't insult so perhaps he could show a little sympathy.

I wonder if it's worth having solidarity with SIL and discussing how badly the man behaves to back up her decision not to have him either? Let the son take a turn or the old bastard stew in his own juice.

FoxyLoxx · 22/12/2021 22:23

@KevinTheKoala I could also add that my grandfather (DM’s father) was a vile man who made every occasion miserable but nobody ever stood up to him. I will never quite forgive my mother for letting him behave the way he did towards me and every other woman in the family as it has affected my ability to set boundaries all my life. You may feel bad now, but you are showing your daughters how to set appropriate boundaries when people behave badly. I really, really wish someone had done that for me. Be proud of yourself for putting them first

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2021 22:27

Let me just point out OP that 99% of the replies on this thread do NOT think you're a horrible person

foreverandalways · 22/12/2021 22:35

I hosted my ungrateful lazy twathead of a so called father last year who also took over my birthday and did fuck all on both days.....rude, arrogant and down right fucking annoying...absolutely no contact for the last six months and it's total bliss and a breath of fresh air...tell them all to FUCK THE FUCK OFF AND THAT THEY CAN ALL KISS YOUR ARSE quite frankly....it's your day and your family....do as you please and fuck everyone else...

SommerTen · 22/12/2021 22:37

@KevinTheKoala by refusing to host him you are definitely doing the right thing.

People like that deserve to spend Christmas alone.

I can't believe there are posters on this thread who would invite an man for Christmas who makes crude & inappropriate comments or worse to their daughters.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2021 22:48

It boggles my mind that there are posters on here who think that @KevinTheKoala should bring into her home an alcoholic misogynistic man who makes inappropriate comments to her daughters!

On what planet does Christmas mean a woman having to subject her children to this sort of vileness? Or do the actual feelings of a woman and her daughters not matter to some of you? They are NOT acceptable sacrifices!

I agree with the posters who have said that this man needs to learn that his actions and behaviour have consequences - in this case, a Christmas on his own.

FabriqueBelgique · 22/12/2021 22:57

@DismantledKing

75% of Mumsnet threads would be solved by learning just to say ‘no’. And before anyone says, it really is that simple.

What if your whole family will think you’re an arsehole though? (Asking for me)

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2021 23:05

What if your whole family will think you’re an arsehole though? (Asking for me)

Host or organise a Christmas for the singles, newcomers, alone people. Invite any lonely elderly people who are neighbours etc.

Or volunteer somewhere.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2021 23:06

@DismantledKing

75% of Mumsnet threads would be solved by learning just to say ‘no’. And before anyone says, it really is that simple.

Absolutely agree.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/12/2021 23:10

"My SIL 'has decided' that my partner and I can have FIL for Christmas day this year."
For starters, it's not in SIL's gift to decide anything about your Christmas day, she can only decide for her own. She has decided that she isn't hosting him. Fine. She has no say in whether you host him or not.

"How can I put my foot down without causing a family war?"
I'm really not seeing how not hosting him is going to start a war. SIL doesn't want him. MIL's divorced from him. Your DH isn't bothered. FIL might kick off, but really - who gives a shit what he thinks?"

Seriously - just tell SIL your Christmas day will be as normal, which is "just the 4 of us" and that you have no intention of hosting FIL. THat's it. That's all you have to do.