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Original poster

pressure to host awful man for Christmas!

130 replies

KevinTheKoala · 22/12/2021 17:49

My SIL 'has decided' that my partner and I can have FIL for Christmas day this year. I cannot stand him, he is misogynistic, racist, makes innapropriate comments to my daughters, constantly belittles and degrades their nan who they adore and is passive aggressive towards me! I've already bought the food for the day and didn't factor in an extra adult - not to mention we don't drink and the man is an alcoholic! So I have no alcohol here... I also have 1 day off over Christmas and so I don't want to be spending that 1 day hosting someone who will ruin my day. I feel really selfish but on the other hand it is my Christmas too! How can I put my foot down without causing a family war?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2021 19:27

Being a bit of a miserable old fucker is one thing but an alcoholic making inappropriate comments to my daughter would have zero chance of getting through my front door

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2021 19:29

We have a lot of people like this in my extended family. They expect my generation to just put up with them, I guess because in their day they all had to put up with their own asshole elders.

It's fucking bullshit. I'm trying to imagine a world where I could go around being a total twat to everyone and still expect to be invited for dinner.

Tell them no. If it starts a war, that's on them. And shame on your husband for putting his own children through that.

5zeds · 22/12/2021 19:30

Rather depends if you are a Christian or just having a day off

gettingolderandgrumpy · 22/12/2021 19:31

@KevinTheKoala

I do feel sorry for my SIL but frankly it's my Fils own behaviour that has led to nobody wanting to host him and so this is his own doing. I wouldn't blame her if she simply said no to him. He does have another son who doesn't do anything on Christmas day (through his own choice) who he could potentially go to.
And there is your answer just say no , sorry wouldn’t feel sorry someone like that .
JustLikeaJingleBell · 22/12/2021 19:33

You have the perfect excuse so use it

Covid symptoms

gofg · 22/12/2021 19:39

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

KnottyKnitting · 22/12/2021 19:40

My sister's FiL has form for making rude, nasty comments. Her whole family are usually away skiing for Christmas- the one year they were invited her FiL was foul.

Last year they couldn't go amd so her PiL came for Christmas. She told her DH in no uncertain terms that he was to speak to his DF about nasty comments and that they would NEVER be invited back if he kicked off.

He was as good as gold.

Sounds like your FiL has made his bed so must lie in it but perhapsPerhaps get your DH to have a word?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2021 19:42

@gofg

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

I put up with a lot in the name of family.

Inappropriate comments to my daughter, fuck to the hell no.

REP22 · 22/12/2021 19:42

Blame the 'rona. Might as well use it for some small peace. You've done a LFT and had inconclusive results. You're only thinking of his health...

Most of what you've said would be enough to put me off - but the inappropriate comments to your daughters? No, they don't deserve that foisted on them.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide. x

Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2021 19:43

@gofg

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

I don’t put up with misogynistic alcaholics for 1 hour of the year. Not “rubbing along well” isn’t the same as having someone outwardly offensive in your house. Where do you draw the line? Sexism? Racism? Homophobia? Or are we supposed to just suck up all abhorrent behaviour because it’s Christmas?
IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2021 19:45

Sometimes war is unavoidable.

It's worth fighting this one.

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2021 19:47

@gofg

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

Really?

he is misogynistic, racist, makes innapropriate comments to my daughters, constantly belittles and degrades their nan.

Really? Spirit of Christmas?
He, come. Eat drink and be merry. Here are my daughters, have at them.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Double3xposure · 22/12/2021 19:47

@whatnumber

I think it's too risky as you've been a close contract of someone who's tested positive and you have symptoms. What a shame you can't host him.
This. The self isolation rules can be your gift this Christmas.
Tinylittlecabbages · 22/12/2021 19:48

Say no. Set your boundary.
How your SIL responds to that is up to her, but don't feel obligated to host this nasty man. & never feel obligated to buy booze for anyone

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/12/2021 19:48

You didn't invite him so he can't come
It's not for SIL to invite him to your house
She can decline to invite him to hers of course but she can't force you to have him.
He surely won't want to anyway if there is no alcohol. Make it very clear that he none will be provided and he can't bring any and that will put him off.

SpilltheTea · 22/12/2021 19:48

I'd encourage SIL to 'decide' to fuck off and speak for herself. No one should have to put up with behaviour like his just because it's bloody Christmas.

Hohofortherobbers · 22/12/2021 19:49

@Lockdowninfinity

I think someone said it above. I just cannot understand how so many adults cannot stop someone coming into their home and eating their food who they do not like. Beggars beliefConfused
People usually do it for the love of someone else, I host my brother who I dislike because it would break my Mother's heart that he was alone whilst she will be with us. I host my fil because my dh would not like to think of him alone despite some issues over the years. I would not cause my dm or my dh upset by saying 'no, he can't come'. I wouldn't excuse the inappropriate comments and I'd call him out on them, obviously no alcohol if you don't drink, but perhaps your dh is in agreement for love of his ds. I'd accommodate him for love of my dh.
dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2021 19:49

@gofg

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

Perhaps in the 'spirit of Christmas' this man could try to be a decent person for one day of the year.

If he can't manage to do that, I don't see why anyone else should put up with his bullshit.

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/12/2021 19:51

No one should be putting up with inappropriate comments ANY day of the year. Allowing it on x and y occasions makes this type of behaviour acceptable. You need to set clear boundaries and show these to your children. You will not be disrespected in your own home on any day and if that means some family members who cannot or will not abide by that are not invited that is a consequence of their own behaviour.

I would literally state to SIL that as FIL is likely to be drunk due to being an alcoholic and vile you do not feel it is appropriate to host him as you do not wish to expose your children to this.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2021 19:53

".......and degrades their nan who they adore"

@KevinTheKoala Is this 'Nan' his wife (your MiL)? Are they still married?

I don't know what I'd do if I knew a beloved Nan was at home alone with the old drunken bastard on Xmas Day. Would she come without him?

Branleuse · 22/12/2021 19:55

@Pumasonsatsumas

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it
Nah, fuck that.
Itsnotdeep · 22/12/2021 19:55

@gofg

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

You don't have to put up with an unpleasant person at any time. Just say no to him.
cansu · 22/12/2021 19:59

Well clearly your SIL would like her brother to take his turn in hosting his father. It is easy for you to say someone else can have him. She obviously doesn't want to see him alone and the rest of the family, her two brothers, take advantage of this and let her shoulder the responsibility. No doubt when he is old and infirm she will be the one sorting out his care. This is normally the way.

eveningbubble · 22/12/2021 20:03

What is your Dh's opinion of him? Does he think his Dad is a misogynistic racist, * inappropriate, belittling, degrading alcoholic? And then how does he not have strong feelings either way?

CaptSkippy · 22/12/2021 20:05

Stay calm and firm and keep repeating 'No' for as long as it takes.

Also have a word with your partner. Him not backing you up on this is not okay. Would he like it if someone came to the house who constantly insulted him?

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