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Original poster

pressure to host awful man for Christmas!

130 replies

KevinTheKoala · 22/12/2021 17:49

My SIL 'has decided' that my partner and I can have FIL for Christmas day this year. I cannot stand him, he is misogynistic, racist, makes innapropriate comments to my daughters, constantly belittles and degrades their nan who they adore and is passive aggressive towards me! I've already bought the food for the day and didn't factor in an extra adult - not to mention we don't drink and the man is an alcoholic! So I have no alcohol here... I also have 1 day off over Christmas and so I don't want to be spending that 1 day hosting someone who will ruin my day. I feel really selfish but on the other hand it is my Christmas too! How can I put my foot down without causing a family war?

OP posts:
eveningbubble · 22/12/2021 20:05

Is his wife supposed to come too? Or are they split as he speaks ill of her? You don't have to have anyone in your home that you do not want, but just wondering what your husband really feels.

Holly60 · 22/12/2021 20:06

@KevinTheKoala

I do feel sorry for my SIL but frankly it's my Fils own behaviour that has led to nobody wanting to host him and so this is his own doing. I wouldn't blame her if she simply said no to him. He does have another son who doesn't do anything on Christmas day (through his own choice) who he could potentially go to.
I dont disagree that you have no obligation to host him. However I think your SIL probably does deserve a phone call to discuss it with her. It sounds like she has always been lumped with him and this year has snapped and wants someone else to take a turn. It’s her own father and she obviously feels guilty about him being on his own, despite disliking his company as much as you do.

She may need a hand hold through also saying no to him. Or you might be able to come to a compromise - morning with you and afternoon with her?

How many threads do we see about siblings not pulling their weight with elderly parents.

I totally agree he sounds vile but can’t help feeling sorry for your SIL.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 22/12/2021 20:06

Just say no. Tell your DH you have one day off, and you're not having it and christmas ruined for you by having the giant twat in your home. And you're not subjecting your daughters to him on their Christmas in their own home. Just no.

If your DH feels otherwise, he can go to FIL's and spend it with him. but I bet he doesn't feel that strongly about it, eh?

EezyOozy · 22/12/2021 20:07

The consequence of being a racist, mysogynistic person who makes inappropriate comments to small girls, and belittles grown women, is that you spend Christmas Day on your own

Exactly this. Actions have consequences.

Hohofortherobbers · 22/12/2021 20:07

@cansu

Well clearly your SIL would like her brother to take his turn in hosting his father. It is easy for you to say someone else can have him. She obviously doesn't want to see him alone and the rest of the family, her two brothers, take advantage of this and let her shoulder the responsibility. No doubt when he is old and infirm she will be the one sorting out his care. This is normally the way.
Bingo! But people just carry on with the self centred 'no is a complete sentence'.
Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2021 20:09

Op, the vile, racist drunk makes inappropriate comments to your daughter's, of course you say no. FFS, don't be such a doormat. How could you even consider subjecting your poor kids to this man?

EezyOozy · 22/12/2021 20:13

I don't let my own step father into my home (or my mother), any day of the year, because he is as vile as the OPs FIL. I think the SIL should also say NO. I can understand why she's a bit fed up of her brothers doing fuck all, but she doesn't have to have him round either!

Beautiful3 · 22/12/2021 20:15

I have a horrible fil too. I find alcohol makes him worse. I got trapped into having him over on Sundays for dinner. One day I'd had enough and never invited him to another dinner. He always asks if, "we're having guests for dinner?" Angling for an invite, never ever again. You can say, "no sorry we're having a quiet one, just us four."

shouldistop · 22/12/2021 20:22

I think you probably develop a cough the day before

Mummylovesmonkeys · 22/12/2021 20:26
Mummylovesmonkeys · 22/12/2021 20:29

As a child we always had my grandfather for Christmas. Like OP's FIL he was a misogynistic, racist, miserable, alcoholic (he died of cirrhosis) old grump. He made every Christmas miserable. Don't do it.

Trixiethewhore · 22/12/2021 20:36

Aw yes, have some compassion for the racist alcoholic perv because he's elderly.

Poor men. Hmm

Fuck that op.

Trixiethewhore · 22/12/2021 20:37

@hassletassle

The consequence of being a racist, mysogynistic person who makes inappropriate comments to small girls, and belittles grown women, is that you spend Christmas Day on your own

Exactly this. Actions have consequences.

Exactly.

YouokHun · 22/12/2021 20:41

@britneyisfree

Yikes. Tell your SIL to F Off.
She’s probably had every Christmas ruined for years and thinks it’s about time on of her brothers stepped up. Perhaps @KevinTheKoala‘s DH thinks she and OP are overreacting because he has no idea what SiL has put up with and is OK with the burden passing to the OP (because I bet that’s what will happen). You and SiL need to back each other up and both say no!
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2021 20:43

I don't entirely get the logic some PP's have. I should make myself a miserable, martyred support human because someone else chooses to?

Nope. SIL makes her own choice, I make mine. And in fact I have a martyred SIL and she's miserable and resentful we don't make the same choices. Cobblers to that.

DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 20:43

@gofg

Geeze have some compassion. We all have in-laws we don't rub along well with. Lay down the law at the outset and make the best of it

This. So much for the spirit of Christmas. What the hell is wrong with people today that they can't put up with anything for even part of one day once a year?

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous
DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 20:46

This reply has been deleted

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DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 20:47

@Aquamarine1029

Op, the vile, racist drunk makes inappropriate comments to your daughter's, of course you say no. FFS, don't be such a doormat. How could you even consider subjecting your poor kids to this man?
There appears to be a few doormats on this thread too!
Stade197 · 22/12/2021 20:49

I wouldn't want someone so disrespectful of my family in my home, especially an alcoholic acting this way around children as this will ruin their day

If your partner was desperate for him to come I'd say consider it but lay down some rules on behavior and have partner chat to FIL beforehand, but if partner isn't particularly bothered about having FIL there I wouldn't invite him

Craftycorvid · 22/12/2021 20:53

Tell him you’ve invited the local LGBT+ choir round for carols, you’re ranging out from turkey this year and it’s all about the authentic North African cuisine. Oh and the girls are SO looking forward to telling him all about their school project on the history of feminism. It’s a 3 hour lecture. With slides.

Or, just no!

Craftycorvid · 22/12/2021 20:54

Oh, and we can’t forget to mention the strict no alcohol rule you’ve imposed.

5zeds · 22/12/2021 20:57

So invite him, don’t serve alcohol and address any remarks you disagree with like an adult. Your children will learn to push back not hide in the face of unpleasantness.

DismantledKing · 22/12/2021 20:59

@5zeds

So invite him, don’t serve alcohol and address any remarks you disagree with like an adult. Your children will learn to push back not hide in the face of unpleasantness.
This is a sure fire way too ruin Xmas for the kid. By not inviting him, she shows that you don’t tolerate horrible racist pissheads, without ruining Christmas. By the way, not every fucking occasion is an opportunity for a ‘life lesson’ for children.
Franklyfrost · 22/12/2021 21:03

Tell him it’s a dry house but he’s welcome to come. That should put him off.

EbonanzaScrooge · 22/12/2021 21:06

Would it be worth you all going to SIL’s for Xmas day and support each other? If she likes hosting lots of people and you already have food ordered just take it along if she’s open to that.

It means nobody has to deal with him alone and everyone can block him out in a way. I wouldn’t have him in my home but then he probably wouldn’t come because I wouldn’t let him act like that in my house with my family