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Original poster

How do we deal with this gift?

130 replies

PAProblem · 20/12/2021 15:34

I've NC as this is outing.
Short version: how do I deal with this passive aggressive gift?

Backstory. I'm the family black sheep, my DSiblings have always bullied, encouraged by my DParents.

When DH1 left me he saw DC for two years then DH met another woman and cut contact with DC. DC was devastated & acted out, nothing major, door slamming, being surly, grades slipped, took it out on me, etc.

DC is ok now, finished Uni, got a good job.

When DH2 met my family he was shocked and thought we should minimise contact, which is what I did anyway. *
*
Some years ago my siblings and I agreed that we would do presents for the DCs only. I've always been in favour of this, I only have 1 DC & they all have 2 or more, so it's not like this works to my advantage! I was just going along to get along.

We were surprised that DB and SIL had sent presents to me & DH this year. Inside a large box was a homemade hamper each for me & DH.

DH's hamper is quite nice, beer, chocolates, books.

My hamper contains some books about dealing with difficult teens, being a better parent, how to lose weight (!) etc. Also some Poundland style cleaning products.

SIL is very Mrs Hinch. Fair enough, my house has always been clean, I don't go in for those homemade cleaning product storage drawers, but my house is fine.

Normally I don't have anything to do with my siblings apart from sending presents to their DCs.

Should I send a present back? How do I respond to this?

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 21/12/2021 01:13

Op what a bitch,
A wee hamper with some Pedigree chum, for the bitch, might be nice.
Could be really nasty and make a attempt to swap the labels for things like beans, and soup?

Idontbloodyknow · 21/12/2021 01:21

Oh I would definitely plaster it all over social media with exactly what was in it for people to comment on what sort of horrible le cow would get that and also donate all the cleaning products to a food bank.

Unmerited · 21/12/2021 01:58

‘Thanks for the books, I love personal recommendations! Are the cleaning products those Mrs Hinch recommendations? Fascinating to see what people who watch that kind of thing use!’

RoseGoldEagle · 21/12/2021 02:11

The most annoying thing in the world to people like this is realising that they just can’t pierce your bubble of happiness - she is clearly very unhappy and want to tarnish you with some of that unhappiness to make herself feel better. A really basic ‘thanks for the gifts’ and nothing else will honestly be the hardest thing for her- she will hate that she’s been so unsuccessful in causing you even a second’s unhappiness. Or go for something like ‘Thanks for the rather unusual gifts! I hope you’re ok, it doesn’t seem like the kind of present someone who’s in a good place would send. Gave us a chuckle as it was so odd but did make me worry about you a bit. Hope you get a chance to get some needed downtime over Christmas.’

Jacketpotato84 · 21/12/2021 02:38

1st comment was the best
Or u could be passive aggressive back
Send her a huge thankyou card and pictures of you using the products
And reading the books bombard her
Thank her every day and quote passages from the books and ask her what she thinks of it

Momijin · 21/12/2021 02:42

That's actually very funny. Laugh it off and ignore!

ShinyHappyPoster · 21/12/2021 02:51

I have a SIL who can be a complete bitch. Tbh I just laugh now. So I'd laugh and put the cleaning products in the cupboard because they always come in handy.
One of DH's relatives has become obsessed with those insta cleaning accounts. And I could see her gifting cleaning products thinking it was a genuinely nice thing to do because she has lost all sense of perspective on how interesting bleach is.

MimiDaisy11 · 21/12/2021 02:52

@Lockdownbear

Op what a bitch, A wee hamper with some Pedigree chum, for the bitch, might be nice. Could be really nasty and make a attempt to swap the labels for things like beans, and soup?
Grin
oKoK65 · 21/12/2021 03:30

Yeah I'd ignore it. Keep what you want and regift /charity rest. You won't get them to see your point so confrontation will just make you look bad. I really don't understand people who get something out of trying to make others feel bad about themselves.

AllIWantforXmasIsYouGotThis · 21/12/2021 04:40

I have similar with SIL, although to be fair she never went for the jugular in quite the same way as that.

So for years we have just quietly given all gifts from her to the charity shop. The ones she gives me, the ones she gives DH.

I would also slowly and quietly and inexorably go even lower contact.

CheekyHobson · 21/12/2021 05:09

quote passages from the books

You could have years of amusing yourself by finding the most pious or weird pieces of advice from the various books, quoting them reverently in all future communications with your inlaws and urging them to try the tips for themselves.

sashh · 21/12/2021 05:59

Play the long(er) game OP

Pretend you have not opened them and post on social media how excited you are, you normally have nothing to open on 'the big day' ask all your SM contacts to guess what could be in the big box.

Add some witty comments about how you hope it's nothing you can't post on sm.

Say how heavy it is and maybe it contains wine or gin.

Just post a little something everyday.

Maybe one of your friends could start a book on what's in it?

Keep up with the enthusiasm when you have opened it on the 25th, things like, "OMG I'm reading the book or raining teenagers, it says to do exactly what I did, good to have it in print"

"Oh I've had to hide the cleaning product, DS wanted to take it back to uni".

post a pic of DH cleaning and you enjoying the beer, "we had to swap some items"

etc etc

sashh · 21/12/2021 06:08

raising teenagers, raining teenagers would be terrible weather.

Gillygolightly · 21/12/2021 06:32

That is really appalling bullying, it's mad how dB has found a wife who is so eagar to join in the bullying. Maybe this is your sign to say look hey my son is not a kid anymore we don't need to do presents. Save your money for your own growing kids I'm out. And go no contact. I'm so glad your dh was able to see this and support you. Is your husband kind to you? Can you create connections with other people, make friends? If so ditch your bullies like hot coals, they are so nasty.

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2021 07:02

How bloody rude!!! You're well rid

Singalongsingsong · 21/12/2021 07:41

Thank them. Books to charity shop. If you’ll see the cleaning products then do, if not then donate to food bank or via Olio. Don’t landfill. Enjoy the fact that you are the better person, married to a better person and have a lovely Christmas.

LublinToDublin · 21/12/2021 08:15

I would completely ignore.
Over the top thanks (or FB posts etc) will give them the satisfaction they've hit a nerve. Even simple thanks opens the door to this continuing.
They've broken the agreement you had and you're not grateful for the gifts.
If they ask if you like the gifts in the future just tell them you had no need of them so donated them.

Gargellen · 21/12/2021 08:30

@dudsville

Ooh, that's mean. My ex's family once gave me self improvement type books, the one I remember was about etiquette. I spent years not laying the table "correctly" every time they came to dinner and then feigning ignorance while my FIL tore his hair out trying to teach me. I don't know what you should do, but I don't think you should thank her. She sent them to you, just bin them and say you didn't recieve it.
What? You invite them to dinner and this is how they treat you? Fuck that shit! I would use the book as a candle holder in the middle of the table covered in wax on a plate. Trying to teach you etiquette is far worse etiquette and as nasty as it gets.
Theunamedcat · 21/12/2021 08:44

Send her a book its called "how to adult an illustrated guide" by Stephen wildish

Shortpoet · 21/12/2021 09:05

I wouldn’t do the gushing letter. They’ll smirk and think they’ve got one over on you.

I agree with ignore. But if pressed for a response say you didn’t want to embarrass them by saying anything but they appeared to have wrapped their personal Amazon order for you by mistake.

CharityDingle · 21/12/2021 09:13

@oKoK65

Yeah I'd ignore it. Keep what you want and regift /charity rest. You won't get them to see your point so confrontation will just make you look bad. I really don't understand people who get something out of trying to make others feel bad about themselves.
Exactly.

Some charity might benefit, and other than that, no presents next year.

I wouldn't give her the pleasure of any reaction whatsoever, tbh.
If asked, look vague.

Original poster
PAProblem · 21/12/2021 09:20

To answer some of the questions: sadly no, my husband isn't being particularly nice to me lately, but that's a whole different thread. He was originally kind.

I'm very alone in the world, trapped and very frightened.

My SIL? She's catty which was, I think, one of the things that appealed to my brother in the first place.

To everyone blaming SiL, that's probably my fault. Yes, it will have been her shopping for my gift and yes, it was her writing on the gift. Though she wouldn't have given it without my brother's say so.

I'm not going to rock the boat, as I say, one of my parents is ailing. When they die there will be money. If I push back in a demonstrable way my parents will take DB & SiL's side (because any dispute is my fault).

I don't feel minded to concede ground to my siblings. Especially as it seems that they are playing some game to further ingratiate themselves with my parents, possibly to claim a greater chunk of inheritance. I don't expect to get the money, and I'm not trying, but I'm not going to give it to them either.

Although I'm not NC I only see Mum & Dad once or twice a year. The rest of them I haven't seen for years.

And yes, on my maternal side of the family my aunts, uncles and cousins are like this towards me too. They say that I am so my like my Dad's side of the family and none of them think DM should have married my Dad, they don't like himConfused FWIW my Dad doesn't like me either, for his own reasons.

All of them, the whole shitty lot have bullied me since I was a toddler at least. It's all I know.

OP posts:
GutsInMay · 21/12/2021 10:05

@PAProblem

To answer some of the questions: sadly no, my husband isn't being particularly nice to me lately, but that's a whole different thread. He was originally kind.

I'm very alone in the world, trapped and very frightened.

My SIL? She's catty which was, I think, one of the things that appealed to my brother in the first place.

To everyone blaming SiL, that's probably my fault. Yes, it will have been her shopping for my gift and yes, it was her writing on the gift. Though she wouldn't have given it without my brother's say so.

I'm not going to rock the boat, as I say, one of my parents is ailing. When they die there will be money. If I push back in a demonstrable way my parents will take DB & SiL's side (because any dispute is my fault).

I don't feel minded to concede ground to my siblings. Especially as it seems that they are playing some game to further ingratiate themselves with my parents, possibly to claim a greater chunk of inheritance. I don't expect to get the money, and I'm not trying, but I'm not going to give it to them either.

Although I'm not NC I only see Mum & Dad once or twice a year. The rest of them I haven't seen for years.

And yes, on my maternal side of the family my aunts, uncles and cousins are like this towards me too. They say that I am so my like my Dad's side of the family and none of them think DM should have married my Dad, they don't like himConfused FWIW my Dad doesn't like me either, for his own reasons.

All of them, the whole shitty lot have bullied me since I was a toddler at least. It's all I know.

Oh, OP, that is so sad. I am sorry you have been treated like this.

You don’t deserve it, and it reflects so badly in them.

But I think the best you can do is to look out for you, look after yourself as best you can.

Engaging in any kind of battle over stupid nasty presents will just drain your emotional energy and will not change their behaviour.

Build up your Teflon layer.

Have a few nice treats from me; CakeBrewFlowersWineDaffodilGlitterball

JohnStonesMissus · 21/12/2021 10:07

Hmm, I think you should say a quick thank you but no more engagement afterwards, because if you don't say thanks but say thanks for your DPs hamper she'll know you're pissed off and will be rubbing her hands together in glee..so a quick thanks and don't mention it again, like someone said she wants you to retaliate.

Alyosha · 21/12/2021 19:24

OP this does sound really hard.

My advice was to thank sincerely, because she obviously sent this to you meant as an insult and would be very upset to think you think she meant it as a genuine present. She'll either be fuming or retaliate with something that gets her out into the open.

But having read the rest of your update I think it's probably better to ignore and cut them all off tbh. What are you getting out of this? Nothing but heartache. It's not worth standing your ground of an inheritance you probably won't get anyway. Go NC with the lot of them.