How do we deal with this gift?

[PAProblem]

I've NC as this is outing.
Short version: how do I deal with this passive aggressive gift?

Backstory. I'm the family black sheep, my DSiblings have always bullied, encouraged by my DParents.

When DH1 left me he saw DC for two years then DH met another woman and cut contact with DC. DC was devastated & acted out, nothing major, door slamming, being surly, grades slipped, took it out on me, etc.

DC is ok now, finished Uni, got a good job.

When DH2 met my family he was shocked and thought we should minimise contact, which is what I did anyway. *
*
Some years ago my siblings and I agreed that we would do presents for the DCs only. I've always been in favour of this, I only have 1 DC & they all have 2 or more, so it's not like this works to my advantage! I was just going along to get along.

We were surprised that DB and SIL had sent presents to me & DH this year. Inside a large box was a homemade hamper each for me & DH.

DH's hamper is quite nice, beer, chocolates, books.

My hamper contains some books about dealing with difficult teens, being a better parent, how to lose weight (!) etc. Also some Poundland style cleaning products.

SIL is very Mrs Hinch. Fair enough, my house has always been clean, I don't go in for those homemade cleaning product storage drawers, but my house is fine.

Normally I don't have anything to do with my siblings apart from sending presents to their DCs.

Should I send a present back? How do I respond to this?

What a cow. Ignore and pop the stuff in the charity shop.

Wow your sister is a bitch isn't she! How nasty. I think the most annoying thing for her would be either to deny receiving anything if she asks because then she thinks she's wasted time and effort. Or don't comment at all and don't give her the satisfaction of upsetting you. But honestly, only keep people in your life who love, nurture, respect and care for you. I'd be bare minimum to no contact with her after this.

How hateful and pathetic. Has she got nothing better to do?

Books to charity, cleaning stuff to food bank drop-off point. I'd ask DH if he would consider doing the same with his hamper, I wouldn't want anything from her in my house. Don't get drawn into engaging at all, just ignore that it happened.

Do it tomorrow then forget about it until November next year when you can just say you're not doing presents for outside your immediate family anymore. And use what you would have spent on them to give yourselves an even lovelier Christmas

Do not give her the reaction she wants. Act as if you haven't noticed.

I'd say 'thanks for the great hampers, just what we've always wanted'

And then throw everything away with glee, you must really get to them for them to spend all this money and effort trying to annoy you. How juvenile.

Oh dear, they HAVE shown themselves up, haven’t they?

Get the items swiftly out of the house as suggested by PP: charity shop / food bank.

Ignore.

If your brother / SIL ask you if you liked the gift say ‘remind me again what was in the box?’ and then say “oooh yes, cleaning products, gorgeous, thanks for the DC’s gift, they loved it. Talk next year, byeeee!’

Just ignore and if she outright asks what you thought of the present, do a tinkly laugh and say something like "oh that load of crap you sent? Donated it" or "yes it was a very weird present" and swiftly move on. If they press you to say more just dont rise or act offended or upset, just stay calm and talk about something else

So many grown ups on here saying ignore it. Sod that. Send her a Glitter bomb every day for a week. You'll feel great.

Well that's decking rude.

I'd be donating the lot and sharing your husbands. I would not keep quiet about it.

Well given your son has left Uni & is working, books about parenting/raising teenagers, seems a bit odd

Do they have teenagers?

If they do I'd send the hamper back & say they appear to have sent their collection of self help books in error.

It's probably easier to give the hamper away & ignore the tears though.

Sorry your relatives are a bunch of idiots. Hug your DH & ignore the twats!

Don't even acknowledge it. You're not thankful for it, so don't thank them.
Also what age are kids? Suggest stopping presents altogether?

I’d probably send it back.

Yes ignore and next year say that you'd like to follow the Money Saving Expert advice by no longer exchanging gifts to avoid ending up with presents you won't use.

How do I respond to this?

You smile and say thank you. Go high!

(Cleaning products are always useful and you can share your DH’s hamper).

I'd be tempted to regift back - she obviously likes them

I’d just completely ignore the presents. No thank you, no contact.

Can you pretend they got the labels mixed up? Then you can thank them for the beer and chocs and your OH can say 'thank you for my hamper though I was surprised to get parenting books when I have no children, was it maybe muddled up with someone else's present?'

Can't you just send them a turd?

Personally I would initiate a conversation and ask if there is anything you can do to help as from the presents she gave you, you realise that she's struggling with her kids and housework. Apologies for not noticing that she's having a hard time and offer to share advice as your child is lovely and your house easy to manage.

I wasn't expecting anyone much to reply, so thank you everyone, for your kindness, for making me think and making me chuckle.

As there are a lot of responses, and some PP have posted similar advice and comments, my hope is that I won't offend anyone by posting blanket replies here.

After parents evening more than 30 years ago, my lovely form tutor, having met my parents for the first time, said to me 'there's no shame in being the black sheep of that family'. He was right, echoing some PPs here.

Although I haven't taken the nuclear option by going NC, I've been very low C with my whole family for years now.

Unfortunately, they all know that we collected the presents from my parents today, their house is en route to/from another destination we were heading to.

Oh my days, those dicks are hilarious. I will be putting them to good use in the future .

As we were driving from our next destination, DH & I discussed it. We decided that I will write a truly gushing thank you card, almost in the style of those Christmas round robin letters. Aside from the DCs, we won't be giving them gifts in return.

It hadn't occurred to me, DH pointed out that one of my parents is gravely ill and he thinks that this is an attempt by DB & SiL to garner extra favour with my parents and there may well be something in that.

Thank you so much everyone for your honest opinions, your bright answers and for making me laugh.
May all your Christmases be bright .

I wouldn’t respond at all and then at some point if they break and ask if you received them just say oh yes the hampers look a bit vague and say we don’t do gifts so we were surprised. That’s it don’t say thank you or anything just say something about the kids presents.
I would seriously cut the contact if this was aimed at me. You could give the actual hampers contents to the local food bank/charity shop.

OP, I love your old form tutor’s comment

OP - Have you brought them gifts?

If you have, I would be returning them to the shop for a refund. Don't give them any acknowledgement on the gifts you received from them.

Clearly very unhappy people
Thank them if you want to, or just say nothing. They are desperate for a reaction.

Why don't you go no contact? Is there any reason at all? Are the cousins your kids best friend or something?

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