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Original poster

How do we deal with this gift?

130 replies

PAProblem · 20/12/2021 15:34

I've NC as this is outing.
Short version: how do I deal with this passive aggressive gift?

Backstory. I'm the family black sheep, my DSiblings have always bullied, encouraged by my DParents.

When DH1 left me he saw DC for two years then DH met another woman and cut contact with DC. DC was devastated & acted out, nothing major, door slamming, being surly, grades slipped, took it out on me, etc.

DC is ok now, finished Uni, got a good job.

When DH2 met my family he was shocked and thought we should minimise contact, which is what I did anyway. *
*
Some years ago my siblings and I agreed that we would do presents for the DCs only. I've always been in favour of this, I only have 1 DC & they all have 2 or more, so it's not like this works to my advantage! I was just going along to get along.

We were surprised that DB and SIL had sent presents to me & DH this year. Inside a large box was a homemade hamper each for me & DH.

DH's hamper is quite nice, beer, chocolates, books.

My hamper contains some books about dealing with difficult teens, being a better parent, how to lose weight (!) etc. Also some Poundland style cleaning products.

SIL is very Mrs Hinch. Fair enough, my house has always been clean, I don't go in for those homemade cleaning product storage drawers, but my house is fine.

Normally I don't have anything to do with my siblings apart from sending presents to their DCs.

Should I send a present back? How do I respond to this?

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 20/12/2021 16:23

@dudsville’s post has reminded me of the many child rearing guides the mother in law has sent over the years. The last time we were clearing out for the tip I also found a book on relationships which she had sent her son (some churchy publication) which she had helpfully marked up with a post it note directing him to the chapter on dead end relationships. The book was published two years after we had met so was sent well within our relationship. Hateful boot.

Lindy2 · 20/12/2021 16:24

I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't even acknowledge the gift by saying thank you. I imagine lack of response from you will irritate her immensely as she clearly wants a reaction.

Use the cleaning stuff if you want to. Sell, regift or charity shop the books.

GoodnightGrandma · 20/12/2021 16:24

No, don’t start buying them presents. That wasn’t the deal.

AliceMcK · 20/12/2021 16:25

Two options

Ignore, don’t engage with them. You already know where you stand with them so it won’t make any difference what you say. Or,

Post the best ever Christmas present on fb, just what you wanted books to loose weight and parent your child and tag them with big over the top thank yous…

DockOTheBay · 20/12/2021 16:26

Ignore it and stop sending them anything in future.

Sparkletastic · 20/12/2021 16:27

Don't acknowledge it and donate the contents

Igmum · 20/12/2021 16:27

Wow. Just wow. I have to say that I would be screaming with laughter about this but it is pretty grim. No, don't react. Maybe re-gift. Definitely start another worst ever Christmas present Mumsnet thread

thenewduchessoflapland · 20/12/2021 16:28

Homemade hampers you say?

Well I think you should reciprocate with a home made gift too;some boozy adult only brownies laced with laxatives.

SpindleWhirling · 20/12/2021 16:29

Completely ignore it.

Keep the books and send them back one Xmas when you feel like it. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

TillyTopper · 20/12/2021 16:30

Just say "Thank you for the gift!" and leave it at that. She wants a reaction, don't give her one. I'd just use the stuff or re-gift or donate to charity.

SilverHairedCat · 20/12/2021 16:33

I'd post it back to them both with a note saying they've obviously included the wrong gifts as these were clearly for them. And yes, I really would in your scenario - why not go nuclear when they are such shits to you?

Utter bastards.

Gonnagetgoing · 20/12/2021 16:34

@thenewduchessoflapland

Homemade hampers you say?

Well I think you should reciprocate with a home made gift too;some boozy adult only brownies laced with laxatives.

Perfect - maybe with a couple of leaflets to or cheaper 'plastic surgery' solutions.
Theunamedcat · 20/12/2021 16:34

Freegle the hamper someone might want it

TheNoodlesIncident · 20/12/2021 16:36

Gosh, can you imagine living with a soul that feels this is an acceptable way to behave? I've had SILs I haven't liked let alone loved (not now, DBs' current wives are lovely) and it has never occurred to me to send presents suggesting they need improving, ever. She must be so twisted and unpleasant inside. So nasty!

Don't respond OP, please just say nothing and don't even let on that you received it. It'll annoy them so much!

Alyosha · 20/12/2021 16:39

I'd do what I do on MN when I get a deeply unpleasant or goady comment: I reply with sweet wide eyed innocence. It drives people nuts. She'll get a reaction but it won't be the one that she's digging for.

"Dear SIL, writing to say thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful gift. This has been a hard few years and I really appreciate the time you've taken to put something together to help me with the DC and the house. Really generous of you - thank you so much"

Alyosha · 20/12/2021 16:39

For it to work you need to make it as sincere as humanly possible. It really does seem to send people bananas.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2021 16:43

Wow you lot are better adults than me. I don't think I could ignore. .

Blossom64265 · 20/12/2021 16:43

Do nothing. Send what you don’t want to charity. Write her a generic thank you note. Take the high road and do not give her the reaction she is hoping to achieve.

GiltEdges · 20/12/2021 16:46

Personally I'd say nothing, put the hampers to the back of a cupboard and regift back to them next year.

parrotonthesofa · 20/12/2021 16:47

Agree ignore is the most nature thing to do.

However I would be tempted to send them some self help books in return. How to not be a twat, etc. Not sure if that kind of book exists but you could probably find something!

Derbee · 20/12/2021 16:48

DO NOT THANK HER, that is a ridiculous suggestion from people.

Ignore, and stop contact. Who needs people like that in their life? Don’t bother sending presents for the kids either.

parrotonthesofa · 20/12/2021 16:48

Oh look! It does exist Grin

www.amazon.co.uk/Book-twat-Adam-Stevenson/dp/1980318875

LethargicActress · 20/12/2021 16:49

Be passive aggressive right back at them!

Send a lengthy text telling her how unexpected but delightful it was was to receive her generous and thoughtful gift and thanking her profusely. If you can take a picture and do it on the family WhatsApp, even better.

Angiemumof5 · 20/12/2021 16:52

Can’t you send a hamper back? Are there any books out there on how to be a better person or a marriage guidance book maybe put some fem fresh in there with some deodorant and breath mints too 😉 sorry but my bitch side would really come out to play if I received a hamper like that, so nasty of them to do that but 2 can play at that game. You have a lovely Christmas 🎄🎄

SoSickOfItNow · 20/12/2021 16:54

@WithRosesAroundTheDoor

Just return them all. Without sufficient postage and say nothing. They want a rise out of you so any message will be giving what they want.
Don’t return them. It will be all “PAProblem was ungrateful/rude…”

Do nothing. Just say thank you and send gifts for DC as usual.