Anyone else had an Xmas from hell with teenagers?

[Twobigsapphires]

Just that really. Have 3 teens from 14-17 please someone tell me it gets easier. They all loved Xmas when they were little.

I’m exhausted, got woken by a delivery 7am yesterday, then held a socially distanced tea for a few family members in the bloody garden which involves setting up gazebo, dusting off garden chairs, 3 hours of baking, setting up camping stove then after they had left, tidying it all up again then putting on a buffet for the kids. Eldest two only surfaced to drink my nice champagne and then left, leaving me and Dh to tidy again and by this time it was 10pm.

Up at 7 again this morning to put turkey in and prep Xmas day breakfast for all and my parents who were coming by. Cooked salmon, bacon, pastries etc. Dragged teens out of bed, they were moody and tired but luckily cheery enough to be sociable for a hour.

After my parents left they retreated to their room until 3pm for dinner, then left 15 mins later. Popped down for deserts at 5pm. Me and Dh have done nothing but cook, clean and tidy for 2 days. Spent £500 on food and booze and another 1k on gifts, for what?

I know the teenage years are rough but I am so bloody teary now. Dh has now taken the dogs out and I’m sat here on my own. What an epic waste of time and money.

I did get a hug and a thank you from eldest ds for his gifts this morning, but dd turned round at dinner and announced when she grows up she will prob not see us at Xmas as she’ll be too busy. Wtf!

May be able to blackmail youngest to watch a film with us later but what’s the point?

Sorry, sounds frustrating OP but at least you can be happy with what you've done for the family. Agree they perhaps could do with learning the importance of people pulling their weight. As a life lesson not just Christmas.

But it's perhaps too much to expect heaps of gratitude or Xmas spirit.
I hated Xmas between the ages of 15 and 20, for no particular reason, it's not always personal.

Christmas is knackering! There's the weight of all the expectations for it to be perfect and of course it can't live up to that. A lot of people feel a bit down at Christmas. Especially this year, I think. For many adults, Christmas day isn't fun at all - it's just constant cooking and clearing up!
Your kids haven't been terrible, maybe a bit self absorbed but that's normal.
I don't believe that Christmas is worth all the money and effort spent on it. Next year I think you need to please yourself more and do less entertaining. As has been said, it's not really your DC's fault that you put yourself under all that pressure. Hope Boxing Day is better for you

Nobody has called op a bad parent. However people have suggested her children help and that’s very reasonable. If I was feeling down about something I would want ideas on how to do things differently

My kids are 11,13,15&16.

Over the past 48 hours they've all helped by doing chores and therefore helped with cleaning/tidying/washing up/present wrapping etc.

The eldest 3 have helped with bits and bobs of food prep.They've not spent very much time in their rooms,they've engaged with us,my eldest has put together his Christmas present and my 13 year cried tears of gratitude and joy when she discovered she had a Nintendo switch for Christmas.My 15 and 16 year old are allowed one alcoholic drink each.

Your teenagers are very self entitled and need to learn to appreciate the amount of effort you put into these things for them.Next year make Christmas about you and your partner and scale back the things you do for them.

Instead of lowering your expectations for next year, you should raise them. Expect them to help out and engage with everyone.
Doing chores and helping out as a family can help to feel part of the ‘family team’. There might be resistance initially but I’d start raising my expectations from now.

I would also start encouraging them to think of others when it comes to gifts. They’re old enough to buy each other and their parents birthday and Christmas gifts. As well as other occasions like Mother’s Day.
How else will they learn?

My dad died a few months ago so I had an awful disturbed night of very little sleep thinking about him last night.
Our teen DC’s one just turned 17 and the other 15 1/2 got up first quietly. They fed the dog, let him out, boiled the kettle made us a coffee and put some subtle gentle Christmas music on and brought us a coffee up to bed at 9.30am (which is a first to get us up so they could open their presents).
We didn’t spend much on presents as neither new what they wanted and with covid etc. We all opened our presents, phoned and face timed other family, took the dog out with DD (DS isolating). They texted some family and our friends to say thank you.
DH prepared dinner while I had a sleep and they both helped with the odd occasional small task throughout the day. Although DS did so much less grudgingly than DD. We played games and watched Christmas TV just the four of us and they both had a glass of Prosecco.
Overall we had a nice quiet low key family Christmas day.
But I am sure tomorrow they will be back to being the usual surly teenagers living in their bedrooms spending little time with us but I am grateful they made an effort to spend the day with us and were pleasant today.

It’s tricky but your way sounds an awful lot of work. Does it really have to be so traditional?
I had mine reluctantly decorate the tree,(fake), choose the majority of their presents (I just checked out the wish list) and opted for some sort of pre prepared (non festive but luxury) Christmas meal. The fridge is filled with mixer drinks in lurid colours and a lot of crap telly is on the cards.
That’s about the max participation I can expect but honestly, it’s enough

If you spending so much why not buy in from a nice bakery? You chose to do 3 hours baking ?
Order in next time . Waitrose party food order or local place

If someone's children were spoiled would you think the blame is on the child or the parent? If someone laid a carpet of pearls before swine would the animals be at fault for merely walking over it? Nobody has to 'do' christmas at all, ever. Advertisers would like to persuade everyone to pointless consumption. The planet can't stand it.
Everyone must think for themselves.

If someone truly wants a roast dinner, on any one of the 365 days, it need not involve turkey unless someone really enjoys it. Tinsel involves a valuable element, aluminium, and a serious environmental thread, plastic. Outdoor trees do a good task of absorbing air pollution, but bringing them indoors harms or kills them.

On days when a family wishes to spend time together, it makes sense to find some joint activity everyone enjoys. That might be any one of a thousand different things, and is not likely to be what commercial interests would try to convince the entire population to do on Christmas day.

I hated Christmas as a teen I still washed up after dinner, but if we were at brothers house, I was just bored, no where to escape my presents and they really were crap then, I wasn’t allowed to watch Bond, which is all I wanted, yep Christmas is a funny one isn’t it.

It’s hard when teenage DC don’t want to spend time with you on an any day, but Christmas Day especially. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong or should do anything differently. It’s just an age thing. Let them be, don’t beat yourself up, and accept that they need space. They’ll come back and be more interactive when they’re ready. And please ignore all the insults about them/your parenting from other posters, totally unwarranted and unhelpful.

I have a kitten and an adult cat. Watching him discipline her makes me realise what fucking softy's we have become. He doesn't think twice about whacking her for bad behaviour like daring to touch his tail.

I'm NOT saying we should whack our DCs. But the respect and affection she shows him does suggest to me we are so scared of not being loved by our DC that we forget to get them on the right tracks about what is acceptable to us.

@Coffeeandcocopops

I’ve spent the last few hours asking my 16 year old to come out of his room and join the family to play games etc. He comes down and then sneaks back upstairs! We had take away Christmas dinner (tier 4) as I felt me cooking a Xmas dinner for hours was not going to be fully appreciated by teenagers.

Omg. Same.

Regarding what your daughter said about not seeing you at Christmas when she grows up because she will be too busy - please don't worry about it. Just ignore it. Teenage behaviour and comments is just the bear to bait you full stop it is part of of the natural teenage progression to test the water as an adult. Equally, I have no doubt that your boys will will change entirely in a few years. Yes, the middle bit is very difficult but believe you me they will all come out the other side and be pleasant normal adults. I know this from personal experience :-)

Some have commented that it is rude of your teenagers to behave in this way but I disagree. This is very normal in the teenage years and if you try too hard to stop it they are quite likely to rebel even more. Teenagers are very like babies. They are all very different and with the best will in the world, what you do does not always have the same impact on different children. We all know that some babies cry constantly and others hardly at all. Some need feeding every 4 hours and others every two 2. Teenagers are exactly the same - some families are blessed with very well behaved apparently non-hormonal teenagers, others have a mix and some have teenagers who are all very agitated and hormonal and appear rude on occasion.

So don't worry they will come through it. They are and we are all very different

I would be really gutted if my DC behaved like that too. My eldest is 13.8 so not got to that point yet. He's still happy to hang out with us and play boardgames. We always have a very chilled Christmas, though. They get up when they want - 10am this year and I stay in bed til they come and get me. Simple breakfast of pastries. Dinner at 5pm - the DC and DP clean up afterwards and then we open presents from family members and play games. Hope you are getting to enjoy some more peaceful time now.

Owww OP this made me sad.
I have 2 children, one is 4 and one is 2 months and this honestly terrifies me! I was a nightmare teenager and my daughter is basically a double of me, my mum said I went into my terrible twos and didn't get out of them until I was 19. So cant wait for my DD to follow in my footsteps, that's Karma! I have a short fuse though and simply wouldn't put up with it. I agree with all the PPs, just dont bother. Let them know you wont bother. Also sit them down and tell them how they made you feel, that's what I would do. Dont get upset or angry or anything just explain their actions have consequences. If they are not going to respect you and help you, as well as think about you then that's fine but no presents next year. Why should you? They are old enough to think about you for present giving, doesnt have to be any wild just a box of chocolate or a bath bomb just to show they thought of you! I remember I was always so excited to buy presents for my family. I would be so hurt if my daughter got presets for her friends but not me. Again, nothing wild, even if she made something just to show she though about me.
I hope your OK OP. Honestly dont bother. And communicate with them, they might feel a bit guilty if you explain to them calmly how they made you feel.

I'm sorry to hear this OP, my teens have been absolutely lovely. We all cooked together on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Have played lots of games, they've helped clear up and tidy, and we've watched films together. Only yesterday did it start to go a little bit wrong when my 12 year old stropped off during a game of Monopoly cheaters edition.

I'm a single parent though, and there's no way I'd want to be in the kitchen all day alone, and clearing up alone, and my children have to contribute every day to the cooking etc. Maybe you need to sit down with them when you're all calm and set out expectations about how you all live together from now on.

Thanks for all the messages of support guys. On reflection I can see that their behaviour could’ve been much worse. They are not bad kids, all work hard at school, don’t get into trouble etc. Just thoughtless and entitled maybe. It’s so hard to see what is normal and what isn’t when it’s not obvious bad behaviour.

My youngest will watch films with us and take the dogs out with us. I think he feels guilty and knows he has to make an effort. To be honest though my dd was like that until she turned 15 and now she has just changed overnight. Last year she bought Xmas presents for all the family, even cousins and grandparents, it’s such a change. Since lockdown she has developed such anxiety and depression and I think I am scared to raise anything with her. I know that she wants / needs a lot of solitude in her room to do yoga / paint / write and chats to friends etc. Just wish she’d spend time with us a bit more.

Eldest has always been a bit entitled, but even though he’s 18 I still feel like I do the most for him. Pay for driving lessons, ferry him to work etc. Feel like now he’s an adult I can make him spend time with us anyway and have to just let him get on with it. In his defence he didn’t ask for anything for Xmas and rarely asks me for anything. He was the most seemingly grateful for his gifts too.

Maybe Dh and I are just too dull and they prefer their friends for company.

It’s been good to hear others experiences, all be it mixed.

Go on strike next year - if they want Christmas, let them organise it themselves.

Dont put so much effort in next year

OP, I am shocked at how you let your DC treat you. Maybe it’s time for some hard truths, that you are their parents not their servants. That you deserve respect. That as they are not young kids anymore and as they share their home with you, they will do their fair share of chores.

Tell them that next Christmas they will either help or there will be no Christmas food, drink, or anything if they don’t get their lazy entitled backsides into gear and help.

Good grief op, it sounds like you were very kind and well meaning but created an awful lot of work for yourself over Xmas eve and day with lots of different meals and types of food.

Next year just order them a dominoes on Xmas eve and just do 1 meal Xmas day at 2pm or so.

My poor mum did things like this when I was younger, special Xmas eve dinner and Xmas day breakfast. There was no outside pressure on her to do it, she just chose to. I'd have been just as happy with a take away and her being less stressed and knackered.

And teenagers are generally fairly grumpy antisocial buggers that like to stay in their rooms. They'll likely be better by age 23 or so.