Anyone else had an Xmas from hell with teenagers?

[Twobigsapphires]

Just that really. Have 3 teens from 14-17 please someone tell me it gets easier. They all loved Xmas when they were little.

I’m exhausted, got woken by a delivery 7am yesterday, then held a socially distanced tea for a few family members in the bloody garden which involves setting up gazebo, dusting off garden chairs, 3 hours of baking, setting up camping stove then after they had left, tidying it all up again then putting on a buffet for the kids. Eldest two only surfaced to drink my nice champagne and then left, leaving me and Dh to tidy again and by this time it was 10pm.

Up at 7 again this morning to put turkey in and prep Xmas day breakfast for all and my parents who were coming by. Cooked salmon, bacon, pastries etc. Dragged teens out of bed, they were moody and tired but luckily cheery enough to be sociable for a hour.

After my parents left they retreated to their room until 3pm for dinner, then left 15 mins later. Popped down for deserts at 5pm. Me and Dh have done nothing but cook, clean and tidy for 2 days. Spent £500 on food and booze and another 1k on gifts, for what?

I know the teenage years are rough but I am so bloody teary now. Dh has now taken the dogs out and I’m sat here on my own. What an epic waste of time and money.

I did get a hug and a thank you from eldest ds for his gifts this morning, but dd turned round at dinner and announced when she grows up she will prob not see us at Xmas as she’ll be too busy. Wtf!

May be able to blackmail youngest to watch a film with us later but what’s the point?

I hated Xmas as a teen. My dad just drank all day and it was no fun. I wanted to see my mates, but they were with their families. At 17, I was able to escape to a boyfriend 's and later, the pub.

Had parents here today and yes, they still put a dampner on it now.

Sounds like you worked too hard, next year let someone else do some of the hosting. Teens need to be like this IMO so they can separate from you and become independent - so try to see what your dd said as a positive xxx

I am miffed at the gift thing though, just a pair of socks or box of chocolates would be nice. Not sure how to raise it without being grabby though.

It is not grabby.

I would wait 48 hours and then sit them down for a serious chat about this. It’s not about being grabby it’s about them learning empathy. They should be embarrassed and there is something about your family dynamic that needs addressing if they think buying their mum a token gift at Christmas is optional!

That is disappointing but doesn't sound like hell. My family used to end up in drunken fights when my siblings were teens. Ending in many tears. They sound well behaved, just not overly thoughtful. Their brains are juvenile and it's just not how teens think. In a few years time they should start to consider you a little more

held a socially distanced tea for a few family members in the bloody garden which involves setting up gazebo, dusting off garden chairs, 3 hours of baking, setting up camping stove then after they had left, tidying it all up again

Can I just ask did you & your guests enjoy this? I live next door to my friend’s MIL. She absolutely cannot bear not being mummy martyr hostess with the mostest at Christmas time so a ‘little get together’ thing was thrown up in the garden. Friend did not want to go, little kids, freezing weather, all on eggshells trying to be appreciative of the efforts with stressed to the hilt host. It looked awful, my friend confirmed it was awful and the camping stove was like trying to heat the Arctic with a match. Apparently the FIL fooked off inside for half of it and everyone was desperate for a wee.

I miss my friends and family and want to do something but the gazebo thing just looked and sounded miserable. Did yours work OP? How did you make it tolerable?

We started going away over Xmas once the children got older. Nowhere fancy, usually somewhere in Spain or Portugal. It's dirt cheap, sunny, no mad pressure and as teens they only really get a few presents anyway as they are £££ and the sunshine does us the world of good. We really missed it this year 😭

Sometimes the value is in the memories, or the laughs you’ll have about it afterwards. Imagine having them over for Xmas when they’re 20s or 30s, and reminiscing about the Xmas they were holed up in their rooms. It will be even more funny when they’ve got kids of their own.

You pulled off a great Xmas after a rubbish year, and you have a good partner. I’d say try and relax now, and enjoy not cooking and just eating leftovers for the next few days. Put your feet up, and have wine. And maybe scale back a bit next year.

We are a blended family of 4 teens 17-20 yrs old and it's probably the first one in the 7 years we have been together that everyone has enjoyed themselves and we haven't had any fall outs.
That may have been because we haven't had all 4 together or because all older and not as arsy or have attitude. Either way it has been nice.
I hope the rest of the Christmas period goes ok.

@Boatonthehorizon

Your way is very much the english way but imo you (all) bring it upon yourselves. My kids 14 and 18 don't stay in their rooms, they wouldnt want to. I'm not running a bedsit. And smartphones / youtube are banned for the day by mutual agreement. We do christmas together inc stockings (still!), fancy xmas breakfast, cooked/ lay table, then eaten together, food prep together, setting table, cooking/ tv, unwrapping presents, watching films, playing on new console (ps5) together, watching tv, eating etc. My 14yo just got the trifle out now for an evening snack for all and served it onto cake plates, to all on sofas.

Smartphones etc banned yet you're here on mumsnet?

Well some people will have the perfect teens that will be happy to cook Christmas dinner, wash up and clear away afterwards and spend the whole day playing board games and watching the Queens Speech with Granny.
The rest of us have teens who don't really get that excited about 'family' time anymore and are happy to make a brief appearance and then disappear back to their bedrooms.
As someone who has a now 18 year old I can tell you it does get better. Two years ago he was just like your lot OP and I would feel like a failure for not making the day entertaining enough for him while desperately missing the days he was so excited he could barely sleep.
However.. today he actually has spent the entire day downstairs with is all, is currently playing Fifa with his younger brothers and has been joining in all the family stuff. The fact his Xbox is back at his digs is probably a large part of this! So this will pass, however for the next couple of years just let it be what it is and don't get too stressed out by making too much effort.
Pour yourself a large drink and enjoy the rest of your evening with your husband.

@IfNotNow12

You know what, in lots of ways OP your post summarises what's wrong with our generation of parents! Maybe its because some of us had less than perfect childhoods ourselves? Whatever the reason, all I see is parents killing themselves to give their children everything and beyond, and the more the kids get the less they appreciate it. Xmas with teens is different to when they are younger. That magic has gone, sadly, but it also gives you the freedom to sack off a lot of the work. If your kids want all the bells and whistles, they are going to have to get off their backsides. If they don't -well fine, scale it right back. No way would i be getting up and making pastries and all that faff. I also wouldn't be dragging teens out of bed early for xmas breakfast. Let them sleep next year. Spend the morning in bed with your husband! And for the love of God don't let them drink your champagne! They can have champagne when they have earned it. Maybe, if you cut all this out next year, it will startle them into realising all the Christmas gubbins doesn't just happen, and maybe they will be keener to help make it happen in the future. But, for now, chill, watch Call the Midwife, and eat all the chocolates.

^ 100% this!

I've been thinking about what exactly love is these last few days and am thinking maybe its when u do something (that often u don't really want to) for someone else's sake. teens aren't known for their ability to do that....they will grow out of it you sound like a lovely mum op, as long as they are learning responsibility and consequences in their lives and not spoiled, they will 'come back' to you i'm sure.

I've just had a cry. My teens been little miserable sods all day! You are not alone x

I get my 3 teens to do a lot of the prep. They enjoy it (sort of) and it helps me out.
We also have Xmas lunch early afternoon so no early start.

OP, just look after yourself a bit in the new year, be a bit more selfish. For your sake, and it’s good for the kids too

They appreciate you more if you are not always “perfect” or available

I'm torn on this. On the one hand, having a preschooler means that being sat here on my own is my definition of seventh heaven. I'm envious of all pp talking about reading books and solitary baths.

On the other hand, you and your DH went to a lot of effort and they sound like a bunch of lazy, ungrateful so-and-sos. How hard is it to watch a movie or play a game with your parents or at least help with the cooking and clear-up? I remember always spending some time with my parents on Christmas day and still having plenty of alone time.

@StoorieHoose

Why are you the only one of your family providing Christmas Eve teas and excessive breakfasts? Just don't do it if it's too much. Teenagers don't really care about the amount of work that goes into Christmas so next year cut right back on your cooking and food and let them fend for themselves

God, 100% this!

1k on gifts! Wtaf!

You are doing way too much.

I’m really shocked you’ve waited on them hand and foot. Do you usually do everything? Do they usually do nothing? How do they contribute to family life and how to they learn skills for keeping a home?

I’ve 4 teen kids. One made a pudding, one cooked the roast with DH, one made breakfast (egg muffins), one organised the Buffett. I’ve just kept on top of the dishwasher all day and laid the table twice.

Teenagers are no more incapable of being at least polite to parents than men are incapable of buying presents and washing up. I would have had my arse handed to me on a plate if I had pulled that behaviour as a teenager.

I have two teens and an adult (21). They've been delightful company all day. Not sure what to say other than perhaps you are being a martyr and they are spoilt?

You spend £1K on gifts?! Blimey!

My eldest is 25 I learned to expect nothing in her teenage years.

Relax and slow things down.

The most irritating part for me is the continuous Instagram pics which depict quit a different picture of what’s really happening tbh!

Yeah, look ok, don't get me wrong, my teen DC can be total sods, I'm not bragging about how they help prepare the dinner and play board games. We are hardly the Von Trapps! It's just that after years of lone parenting I feel I have earned the right to be a bit selfish and enjoy my days off, so I have Him Indoors do the cooking and I drink the champagne. I enjoy the company of my kids when they surface from their pits, expect little more than basic politeness, and the rest of the time I please my own self. Highly recommend it!

1k on gifts is easily done. It depends what your budget is. I’ve probably spent that this year on three dc and few family.

I look back and laugh now at the present my eldest got me one year. It was a giant cookie that said ‘happy Xmas dd name’. She’d actually been given it by work but tried to pass it off as my gift

Sounds grim.

Two teens here and they understand that there are certain family activities - like Christmas fi - that they are expected to participate in. And that includes helping with the prep. They also understand that gift giving is a mutual activity.

I really dont understand why some people have such low expectations. Concentrated selfishness is really unattractive and unnecessary, whatever your age.