Anyone else had an Xmas from hell with teenagers?

[Twobigsapphires]

Just that really. Have 3 teens from 14-17 please someone tell me it gets easier. They all loved Xmas when they were little.

I’m exhausted, got woken by a delivery 7am yesterday, then held a socially distanced tea for a few family members in the bloody garden which involves setting up gazebo, dusting off garden chairs, 3 hours of baking, setting up camping stove then after they had left, tidying it all up again then putting on a buffet for the kids. Eldest two only surfaced to drink my nice champagne and then left, leaving me and Dh to tidy again and by this time it was 10pm.

Up at 7 again this morning to put turkey in and prep Xmas day breakfast for all and my parents who were coming by. Cooked salmon, bacon, pastries etc. Dragged teens out of bed, they were moody and tired but luckily cheery enough to be sociable for a hour.

After my parents left they retreated to their room until 3pm for dinner, then left 15 mins later. Popped down for deserts at 5pm. Me and Dh have done nothing but cook, clean and tidy for 2 days. Spent £500 on food and booze and another 1k on gifts, for what?

I know the teenage years are rough but I am so bloody teary now. Dh has now taken the dogs out and I’m sat here on my own. What an epic waste of time and money.

I did get a hug and a thank you from eldest ds for his gifts this morning, but dd turned round at dinner and announced when she grows up she will prob not see us at Xmas as she’ll be too busy. Wtf!

May be able to blackmail youngest to watch a film with us later but what’s the point?

I think it's more of a bad parenting issue than a teenage issue. Why are you letting them getting away with it? Insist they help cook and clean if they want to eat the xmas dinner. Why are you spending £1k on gifts?? You're raising entitled, spoilt horrors.

I’m on my own with teens and an elderly person. There have been a few moments I’ve felt like you op. I think I might go away on my own next Christmas!

My teens have helped with the food prep, washing up, helping with my mum and tidying. They didn't get expensive presents this year either as we can't afford it. They each had some time in their rooms, but have spent the vast majority of it with us.

You need to rein it in a bit so you're not shattered and your DC need a serious nudge to be more thoughtful. Not buying presents at that age is ignorant. Doesn't have to be anything extravagant. DS 16 bought me a book & quality street and that was great. He has little money as we pay for a lot of sport for him.

Why invite your parents for breakfast? And why a turkey that needs to go in at 7am? We had a crown large enough to feed 8-10 (ordered pre-covid)and it went in at 10.30am, needed 2 hours cooking and 30 mins resting. Much curry in next couple of days

Of course they should pitch in and you need to make that clear to them well in advance of next Christmas.

You do seem to have made a huge amount of work for yourself though. Cut it right back next year. If the family want to come over ask them to bring some food, and otherwise just put out Tesco Finest or M & S ready prepared stuff with drinks.

Wny a fancy big breakfast? Does anyone actually want it? Is it not too much on one day in advance of Christmas dinner?

@Twobigsapphires

I thought I had my expectations lowered so I’m not sure why I’m so shocked/depressed.

I always end up hosting which I usually don’t mind but this year it felt so flat.

I have an amazing Dh who helps with all the good prep, tidying and sorting. We are both knackered now and can’t help wonder what it’s all been for when we have barely seen the kids as they just stay in their room. Eldest has has just started playing trash music and youngest is moaning as I’ve dragged him off his xbox.

It all just seems so pointless with teens. More exhausting than when they were little.

Why on earth haven’t they helped?.

Some New Year resolutions needed

@Twobigsapphires

Only youngest got me and Dh a gift too. this is the first year dd has not got anything for us, despite getting £40 a month pocket money and spending £60 on gifts for her mates. Eldest gets pocket money and has a part time job!

Rude.

Remind them of this on their birthdays...

Or put up with it. Your choice

It's difficult with teenagers. Mine are 21 and 19. Just the three of us today because of the restrictions. Up until an hour ago we were having a great day, really relaxed and chilled. But then out of nowhere they had a massive bust up and are now both in their rooms sulking 🙄

The past few years we've gone to my parents and it's always hard work. DS1 gets far too vocal after a few beers. DS2 is pretty anti social and spends all his time on his phone.

I think you just have to lower your expectations and just try to go worth the flow.

Spending £1000 on gifts, giving them £40 pocket money a week and two not getting gifts (or one of them, not sure) is really poor. I can't understand how they would expect to take part in Christmas and just turn up with no gifts without being mightily embarrassed. I would be having a chat about how that's not ok. Not today, but in the next few days. Then I'd revise their expectations down for gifts- we had to have a more modest Christmas and perhaps that might be better.

Gifts aside, some participation I'd ask for, but late/afternoon evening,I think it's fine for them to do their own thing.

Your way is very much the english way but imo you (all) bring it upon yourselves. My kids 14 and 18 don't stay in their rooms, they wouldnt want to. I'm not running a bedsit. And smartphones / youtube are banned for the day by mutual agreement. We do christmas together inc stockings (still!), fancy xmas breakfast, cooked/ lay table, then eaten together, food prep together, setting table, cooking/ tv, unwrapping presents, watching films, playing on new console (ps5) together, watching tv, eating etc. My 14yo just got the trifle out now for an evening snack for all and served it onto cake plates, to all on sofas.

They sound normal. Just move the meal later and let them sleep in until midday. You're trying too hard with stuff they don't care about.

It sounds to me that you’ve done too much. All the baking, cooking at 7am & spending that amount on food and drink. Less is more. I used to not enjoy Christmas as a teen as my mum was always so stressed. I didn’t start lunch until 10.30 and it was served at 1.30.

Ah that sounds rough.
Mine are little still but I can well imagine it might be harder with teens.

Is there anything they like doing you can do together as an activity (like play a games console or make a tik tok or something).

Can you chat to them tomorrow and be really direct and honest about how you feel. Let them know that it’s been hard work and you’ve been disappointed to have had so little help and so next year will be done differently.

I’d be honest about the gifts too and lack of help. Not in an agressive or emotionally manipulative way, just stating “I feel bad that I spent ages cooking and cleaning with no help and that you guys didn’t even buy us a token gift.

I wonder if next year you should shake it up and do something totally different....meal out at a pub or something where there is no prep.

I’d also maybe work through the year to get the em doing more around the house. Also the child that spent £60 on a friend is hopefully paying for their own clothes/phone etc I’d they have that much excess cash.

What food did you buy for £500 OP?

I guess there are some things to be said, no arguments between them, they did all get up and be social with my parents and yes I totally get that it’s not their fault I hosted little get togethers. This wasn’t the norm though and due to Covid.

I’m not usually a martyr, just tired and flat I guess. I do have a tendency to try and make everything perfect and nice for everyone. I don’t rub it in peoples faces and haven’t moaned or stropped at them about it. I realise no one has made me go to all this effort.

I am miffed at the gift thing though, just a pair of socks or box of chocolates would be nice. Not sure how to raise it without being grabby though.

They are all so different it’s hard to engage them all in the same activity/ film.

Seems like a mixed bag on here is whether I’m being unrealistic and it’s all normal and they will come round in a year or two, or that I’m an awful mother who has ruined them.
They have very little to do with their father so I know I have overcompensated by trying to provide everything for them.

You aren't awful, take no notice of the perfect mob. When people would be brag about their perfect children my granny would say, "That's not normal, are you worried about them?" Soon shut them up.

15 mins at dinner and then back up to their rooms is unacceptable IMO. It wouldn't kill them to sit and be sociable for an hour or two! I would have put my foot down OP.

@Bluewavescrashing that was for food and booze. Prob £250 on booze, 12 bottles of wine, 4 champagne and some spirits.
£250 on food, prob £50 on Xmas dinner and the rest on buffet food, cheeses, meats, party foods and extras.

I know none of this is their fault and the comment I made about the money was more of a ‘is it worth it’ comment in general and less about the teens. They also didn’t get 1k of gifts on them. Maybe £200 each and the rest on family.

I don’t mind the effort or the money if people are happy.

Tell them how you feel, maybe over the next few days. Get your DH to back you up. And tell them that next year is definitely going to be different!

My two are 13 and 16. Pretty much your average lazy, slightly moody and somewhat entitled teens. But they have spent the day with me and their dad, mucked in with cooking, housework and generally being helpful, and told us both that they loved their presents/appreciate all we do for them. They know we expect that. I’m not a housemaid. I make it very clear to them that they show manners and respect when it counts. Sounds like your DC need a sharp reminder!

Your DC

Yes forcing sulky teenagers to be sociable for an hour will make Christmas Day perfect.

@Jakey056

I think your issue is all the christmas stupidity you put yourself through. All that prep, garden event etc. Nah if I were them I'd be in my room too. Remove all the obligated stuff and spending time together can be nice.

^^This, with (jingle) bells on. It's about managing expectations. I don't knock myself out to do all this stuff. Socialising is done with a lot of bought in food etc. TBH when I opened your post I expected to read about some spectacular teenage strops. They're just being themselves. Maybe a bit unappreciative, but not terrible. Honestly, try being a Crimbo Slattern. It's much less stressful

We have my step kids here this year (12 & 15).

They got out of bed at 10am, sat around all morning, not offering to help. After I commented everyone had to be dressed for dinner they bothered to get dressed at 1pm (I can’t abide people being unwashed in PJ’s all day).

Their dad and I cooked dinner. When I asked if they could help & wash 2 pans and I got the obligatory eye role and tut and their dad rushed over (as they couldn’t possibly be so inconvenienced) to do it. More fool him. That’s it.... I won’t be doing anything else. Their dad can be the martyr.

No wounder a whole generation of selfish kids are being raised. This is a parenting issue. My parents would never have allowed this shit.....

Personally I won’t be raising another finger to help, and their dad can run around after them. was ignored, that’s it. They can fend

I have 6 year old and dd nearly 11. She was downstairs for gifts and that this am infact up at 4 eventually we got up at 7am. By 10am she retreated her her bedroom. Downstairs for inlaws comming for an hour and then 4pm for tea. Why was your turkey in at 7am. Buy a Turkey crown. 2.5 hours at 180. Mine went in at 1pm in a hot oven and we ate at 4pm. Family walk on her new bike and dd aged 6 bike. I like the quiet less stressed older child xmas tbh if my eldest said prob wont see me at xmas I'd prob say well let's hope you have a high flying career and are successful and we can chat on wattsapp and pull her in soppy kiss saying she always be your baby lol

They sound rude, I have kids aged 10, 13, 13, 15 and 18, they helped prepare lunch, cleared the table, said thank you, played games afterwards, the really quiet one has gone for some quiet time in his room, you need to raise your expectations

Same here

Shame, I know how it feels some days with teens, we're a large blended family so although we like looking after the kids and love them all, neither of us will put up with them lazing around, not taking part on a normal day, they all have housework jobs to do every week, all do their own washing, Christmas Day is no exception, they all helped clean and tidy the house ready for Christmas Day and with some jobs for cooking too. You need to get them to pitch in and then they'll appreciate what you do more. 😊